How can people have no feelings? Easy to be hard... easy to say no

I don't go political too much, but I have been hearing so much about healthcare reform, etc. lately. I have a lot to say about it, not as an employee but as a wife, mother, and daughter... as a woman, as a human.

No, health care is not a "right" per se, but in a country that wants to be one of the greatest, people should be able to access the necessary healthcare no matter their income. We have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If we have the right to life that means we have the right to do what's necessary to avoid death. Being ill can often feel like imprisonment, the opposite of liberty. One can be happy in poor health, but it's not easy. I have no problem with working to pay for my health insurance. The rock star and I always have. I also have no problem with my tax dollars helping people who truly cannot work to pay for their health insurance. For example, my mom had stage IV cancer and worked as a "cafeteria lady" far longer than most people in her condition would have because long-term disability wouldn't pay enough to maintain her coverage. She got a type of state-funded insurance, which she had previously when she was working in a job that did not provide insurance. Her doctor became angry when she changed coverage, but she had little choice if she wanted to buy food and have running water and electricity. Someone I knew years ago was paralyzed on a motorcycle. He has since passed, but he couldn't work. He was in his early 20s. Could you look him in the eye and tell him he didn't deserve healthcare???

http://www.salon.com/2017/05/02/alabama-congressman-people-who-lead-good-lives-dont-have-preexisting-conditions/

I read an article where a man said that people who lived right don't have pre-existing conditions. The writer specifically mentioned strokes, heart problems, and birth defects. The rock star had a stroke at age 4 (yes, four) because of a birth defect - a heart problem. Not only that, but my grandmother had a stroke at age six. I'm not kidding. Personally, I am INSULTED that I would be blamed for my child having a birth defect. Yes, I had one of those too. I still have him! I did not smoke or do drugs when I was pregnant. I had a cold and had to take some medicine early on, which was okayed by my doctor. I don't want to say I'm a victim, but I don't think it was my fault. Nor do I blame my father-in-law for becoming the father of the rock star ten months after coming home from Vietnam where he was often exposed to Agent Orange... he didn't get drafted, he enlisted... but no, it was not his fault that his son was born with a life-threatening heart defect. I read someone's comment that Jimmy Kimmel's child was born with a heart defect because it was "karma" because he made jokes about Donald Trump. I disagree. Besides, what did that tiny baby do to deserve that?

I have a pre-existing condition, though i wasn't born with it. I'll take responsibility for my Type 2 diabetes. I ate my way into it. I'm sure all those low-fat, high-carb foods I ate in attempts to lose weight and maintain it in my 20s and 30s didn't have anything to do with my body becoming insulin resistant. I had inherited a predisposition to blood sugar issues. And my mom's cancer? She didn't smoke, seldom drank, tried to eat right and maintain a healthy weight, and exercised regularly most of her adult life. So why did she get cancer? Oh, that was probably hereditary too. What do you think about people whose genetic profiles show predisposition to diseases? Should we deny coverage to those people because we know it's going to cost more to take care of them? You going to look me in the eye and tell me no? And the young but now deceased motorcyclist? What if I told you he was driving too fast and was at fault? Would you look him in the eye and deny him coverage after that?

I have a problem with people who think it's ok to deny coverage for pre-existing conditions. Even though our insurance pays for those, our dental insurance would NOT cover needed dental implants for our child who was born with a cleft palate, and had teeth that did not form enamel properly (a condition that also affected my brother, though his lip and palate were fine). He had two root canals that had broken in the growth and surgical process. He had one tooth I jokingly called a "bubba tooth" - he laughed at it too - but it really wasn't funny, it was only about half a tooth. This after nine years of braces, 12 years of dental appliances... in his (then) 18 years of life.

If my brothers, uncle, and I had not just sold my mother's house, I'd planned to refinance my car to borrow that money. We're talking five digits worth of money, and that's not counting the numbers on the right of the decimal. I felt like we were lucky. I'd rather have had my mom living in that house, but I felt she would have approved of the money being spent that way.

I agree that the ACA - "Obamacare," as it is so frequently called, is not really its name - needs work and maybe even replacement. I want to see pre-existing conditions left in. I say we do not need caps on coverage. My sweet rock star and son might have had to do without healthcare... and who knows when we'd have had to start doing without. My mom's insurance company re-analyzed several medicines over the years. I think they were surprised that someone who had been through all she had was still alive, so they didn't realize they had to keep paying for those drugs!

When I was a new nuclear medicine tech back in the early 90s, occasionally I would see kids who had been born with cystic fibrosis (CF). Back then, a kid born with CF had a life expectancy of maybe 20 years. Now, babies born with the disease have a much longer life expectancy as more and more patients are living into their 40s and even beyond. If you put a cap on their benefits, some of those kids would not survive that long because they sometimes spend a lot of time in the hospital. I care, and that's because one of my childhood friends has a child with the disease. I don't know for certain but I would be beyond shocked if I learned that they had done anything at all during pregnancy to "deserve" a child with such a condition. No, that, like so many other things, is a GENETIC issue.

If you are healthy and have lived a "good" lifestyle, you are LUCKY. You won the genetic lottery. You may be taking good care of yourself and for that, you should be proud, but you should not judge others, for you do not know their stories. Can you honestly say you've never overeaten, or had too much ice cream, or just once, slept instead of working out? Can you truly say you've never broken the speed limit? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. As the saying goes, Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. (source unknown; attributed to Plato)

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who care about evil
And social injustice

Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people be so heartless
You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to give in
Easy to help out

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice

Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

Songwriters
Ragni, Gerome / Rado, James / Mac Dermot, Galt

me and my drum

Have I written about this song?  It's on TV right now.  It was playing in the room when my grandfather passed away... in a few days that will have been seven years.  Or as he would say it, seb'm years.  I miss him all the time.

My blog hasn't been very active lately.  My focus of late has been set on preparing for the ARRT MRI registry. I still have about 90 procedures to log before I can take the test, and it isn't something you just walk in and do before you've seen 10 of them.  It's not like what I do in nucs, which is so repetitive and so ingrained into my brain that I can actually focus more on taking care of my patients and doing the many other things that are part of the job.  I do hope I can work at least part-time hours in MRI for my current employer, because I've been a part of that environment and I really, really like the pace and the interaction with the emergency room there.

I want to write about so much more.  I want to write about medicine, and education, and places and people and fiction and non-fiction.  I want to keep teaching CPR and doing nucs and MRI and hopefully some TEE too, although I think they're more likely to get one of the heart station techs for that.  I like being there.  I like what I do for a living.  I like doing it there and in the capacity I do because it is a good pace for me.  I'm getting old and I need all the help I can get.

So tonight I'm writing about writing.  I have been journaling as I usually do, documenting everything from my desire to drink a whole quart of boiled custard (not something I would recommend for a diabetic) to details of Randy's eye disease.  For me writing is not just something I do to document history or to tell stories, it's something that helps me sort through the insanity that runs through my brain. 

My brain has caused me a lot of trouble, which I'm trying to turn into something a little more constructive.  Depression, or bipolar disorder if you believe the most current diagnosis (and I do), has taken its toll on me and this house.  Chronic pain hasn't helped either.  Diabetic neuropathy has been horrible to me.  I'm not quite as heavy as I was, but I'm more crippled by it along with the degenerative changes I've had, like plantar fasciitis, arthritis, avascular necrosis, and other issues.  And somehow during the years of constant lesson planning and grading and exhaustion, I totally lost control of this house and my finances.  I've been working on the house, not just to create a more writing-conducive environment but because I need to organize the budget and paperwork.  It's really not that we can't pay the bills anymore, because we do a pretty good job of it.  I just need to get ready for the day when I can't drive to Nashville anymore, when it's time to move to assisted living or what have you.  Hopefully, that day is a long ways off.

Today I cleaned under my son's old bed and then moved the queen mattress and box springs into his old room.  I have a place for the twin mattress and frame and the old box spring is ready for the dump.  I have a box spring for the twin where it's going.  I moved my old recliner and took a TV into the kitchen/office and I am set up to get this room and all its paperwork under control so I can get out of debt.  I do see that as a possibility someday and it excites me.  Getting in there and working was exciting for me too.  So hopefully, in a few days, I'll be ready to start on some of the projects I think about all the time... like updating all my websites.  The Hee Haw almanac and website need a lot of work and I have some real goals to work on.  I need to get my ads up to date on all my sites and try to make them pay off a little.  I want to sell some of the collectible stuff I have and thin out my collections.  I want to write a lot more about country music history because there is a whole lot of it to share.  I want to write about not just the health issues I have but also those that are in the news and on the medical TV shows... about health education for health science teachers and college students who are interested in medicine.  And music... I want to market myself as well as our band.  I want to have information about my health and wellness business.  And lest I forget, this is where I sometimes do a little preaching.  So watch this space for more...

I get a peaceful, easy feeling... and I know you won't let me down.

Hey, y'all... been a long, long time since my last post and probably for good reason.  Life has changed forever, and whether that's a good or bad thing is still kind of too soon to know, but it's been great so far. The Rock Star had a gastric bypass in January and since then it's been... well, even before that it got pretty crazy.  I could write a book about it, and someday maybe I will.  The great part is that, so far, any changes it's made in him have been very positive.

We haven't had a real smooth road. Well, the Rock Star has but I have taken the whole process very hard as it has opened some really bad emotional baggage from years ago.  And just like opening luggage that's been closed for a long time, it has been pretty nasty at times.  But like washing out old, well-built suitcases and well-made clothes, the end results can be profitable (like selling them in vintage clothing stores).  I'm not selling my marriage at the flea market or giving it to the Goodwill.  I'm keeping it because by golly, this old suitcase is the bomb.com.  But I did get rid of the 50-year-old straws and napkins.  The bell bottom jeans are staying too.

I have been through a lot of issues about my body size, and tomorrow I may feel totally different, but I'm in a little better place since I decided to stay away from the scale and focus on looking the best I can for the adventure that day will bring.  My diet... well, that's whatever I need to do to keep my blood sugar in a good place.  If my blood sugars tend to run over 140, my feet hurt a lot.  Now, other things can aggravate the feet too, but if there's no other logical reason (such as a heavy workload or strenuous exercise the previous day, or lack of sleep or an incoming storm or weather change), I look at my blood sugars.  I don't check it every day but I do look at it several times a week at different times of the day and if I see it trending upward I keep a close eye on it until I get it under control.  I need to exercise more but we've been doing a lot of hiking and in general I try to move more than I did in the past.

And then I didn't end up with one ounce of weight loss, and I thought maybe I needed to have a gastric bypass, but the doctor suggested a change of lifestyle, and I changed it a little more by watching my diet a little closer and moving a tad more, and changing my diet drastically, and then thinking, this is not sustainable... and going through another low point where I felt completely devastated.  So several people I talked to said, "Go to another doctor, surely you will find someone who will help you with this," and I realized that I really do not WANT to have a gastric bypass at this point in my life.  I may later, if I continue to gain weight even after the lifestyle changes, or if I don't lose any weight at all... but at this point I am not ready for that.  I am enjoying the "new" Randy a lot.  He seems to be enjoying me too.  I have a lot to be thankful for... and one of those things is that Randy likes to do a lot more stuff outside the house and it's really great to get to do that with him. 

I'm actually sort of a Cheatham County Rock Star myself these days.  Randy's band "Traveler" invited me to be a part of their lineup and I'm happily doing so.  Always on the lookout for more gigs and singing opportunities... so keep looking here and on Facebook for updates (www.facebook.com/travelerclarksville).

This week on RFD-TV they're featuring from 2/26/1977, Season 8 episode 22, with guest stars Ernest Tubb and Jody Miller.  I'm not sure how I feel about this "Hee Haw" episode... it features Ernest Tubb, which is great, but Buck Owens is singing "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" and I'm not sure how I like that.  Funny, though, I may go back and listen to it again sometime so I can feel for some higher harmony.  Too bad Don Rich was already gone by the time this came out...

And this song "Roll Me On the Water" by Jody Miller... wow.  Those are some risqué lyrics for the 70s.  She was cute though.  Wonder what ever happened to her???  Well, I wondered and here is what Google told me.  http://www.jodymillermusic.com/

Hee Haw salutes Ernest Tubb's hometown of Crisp, Texas!  I heard that the Ernest Tubb Record Shop in Music Valley Village has closed.  I sure hate that.  I wonder what happened to the old tour bus there?

Well... that's not all by any means, but it's a return to the blogging world and I hope someone is glad I shared. 

Accentuate the positive!

I believe I've had an entry by that name before, but today it seems good.  I am on fall break.  Yay!!!  Poor D, he has had to go to school.  The rock star will be off the next two days.  On Friday he's got a gig.  I guess our traveling won't be happening this time.  Oh, well.  Christmas will be here soon and maybe we can do some driving then.

We're going to choir practice in a few minutes so I can't write long.  I just had the urge to share my feelings.  I want to be happier being a teacher.  A few days ago Randy and I discussed this and he gave me his opinion that I lack self-confidence... which I totally agree with.  He followed that up by saying that I hate myself, with which I totally disagree. 

So today I typed in "Positive thinking Bible verses" and I saw a site with several verses.  I really liked it and I surfed around it a lot.  Here's the one I really honed in on.

Hebrews 13:5 ESV

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I love it!  It reminded me why I've been searching for a nuclear medicine part-time job, or possibly full-time job - because I'd like to make more money.  I almost forgot I'll be needing a little less after this school year, Lord willing; I'll have both vehicles paid for and I sure hope I don't need another one that requires a payment any time soon.

I'm happy with my husband 90% of the time (which is probably better than average), and with my body 75% of the time (which is probably WAY better than average, and most people would not be happy with mine!  Oh, well).  So can I be happy with my job?  My house?  I'm working on it.  I'm getting there.

Summer improvements week 0 day 2: I don't wanna work... or maybe I do

Today I have mostly been lazy. We had our church homecoming today, which was nice. I messed up my song, and I was already a bit emotional when another soloist got choked up singing his, which obviously reminded him of his grandmother who died in February. His dad, too, was emotional when the time came for him to dedicate the gift from the memorial fund in her memory so the tears flowed freely today.  


After that, a huge unhealthy meal and since then a long nap and then the runs and during that time a good read of a book about neuropathy. I have had a tough time with neuropathy lately. I have always tended to be a wuss about pain or so I was told. I believed this too until I walked around for 6 hours with a broken ankle and then worked for 3 hours with a broken hand.  I don't like pain but I can put up with a lot. This chronic pain of neuropathy has really put a cramp in my life. I can't stand up for long periods of time and I am just getting worse. I have decided that starting now I am going to eat less carbohydrate and sugar. I feel like I need to be on one of those commercials like the people who are young and suffering the effects of smoking. Yes, sugar can do this to you! Give up the candy bars now! And, sigh, the sweet tea. I always liked that more than candy anyhow. I can do candy in moderation. I don't do cheesecake in moderation. Ice cream is a big temptation too.  I hope it helps. If nothing else then at least I should lose some weight and maybe then people won't blame my pain on my weight. Sigh. I think I can live with a less wheat based diet. I hope so. 


 Randy is home after a long shopping trip. I don't know where he has been so I hope this is good. He had been to his mom's. Oh, well, that explains it. THANKS FOR MAKING ME WORRY FOR THREE HOURS. I don't mind him going to his mom's and Lord knows he doesn't have to answer to me for every minute of every day, but he not only was gone for 4.5 hours doing a one hour job, he didn't respond to a text an hour ago. We only live about 20 minutes from his mom. I am not one of those control freaks who keeps her man on a tight leash. If I had been, I probably wouldn't still be married to Randy. Sometimes, though, I feel the need to remind him that he is married and because he lives with someone, occasionally he needs to let us know what he's doing.  


I have been so lazy this weekend. I didn't clean house, pay bills, or shop or anything. Well, I DID go to the store yesterday. I hope I have a better attitude. I should. School is out after Tuesday (even though I have to go until Thursday). I never thought I'd be one of those teachers who counted the days until summer vacation. But you really can't help it. It is so stressful when the kids are ready to get out... which is every day, but worst in May. I spent this, my third year, trying to find another job. There, I admit it. I don't think that helped my attitude a bit, but my finances were the harsh reality that teachers just don't make the money nuclear medicine techs do. And, oh, yes, let's not forget I didn't WANT to get out of the field, it just seemed like a better option than where I was when I did... working in an office with uncertainty and no benefits and a toxic environment after being laid off from my dream job. If I hadn't gone into teaching, if I had stayed, I wouldn't have had any hours in December. That would've been a lovely Christmas. Granted, that Christmas sucked anyway (my grandfather died on Dec. 23) but it would've been rough if I hadn't been paid.  


It sounds like it'd be easy to find PRN work, but nobody wants to hire a PRN tech who can only work in the summer. They want people who can come in at the drop of a hat anytime (and from my previous experience, who can work all those school holidays so they can be off with their kids). If I had been working somewhere PRN when I started teaching, I could've done it.  I really should be glad I'm not doing nucs anymore. My old feet couldn't take it, for starters, and I don't miss working with people in that environment. I mean, I work with complainers (the students) and other adults (the teachers) but it's different. There is less of the "keeping up with the Joneses" because nobody's got any money. There's less drama because we're the grownups (most of the time). I miss patient care, and I wonder if that's not part of my issue, that I'm having to treat myself as a patient. I could work as a CNA but I don't know if I could handle an 8 hour shift on my feet.  


There IS a nuc tech opening in Gallatin, 47 miles away. And no, don't suggest that I could move because it is not that simple. Randy has a job about 15 miles from here (and approximately 62 miles from Gallatin) and halfway between the two is... well, it IS in Derek's school district but that would mean selling this place and that is not something that can be done overnight in this neighborhood. Besides we're assuming I'd get the job. A nuc tech can't assume that anymore especially one who is 45 and fat and has a reputation of working here there and everywhere. And has a pretty well known health history. Again losing weight would help, but I couldn't lose it fast enough to help get that job. And then there is Derek's upcoming surgery (hello, patient care skills) and all that entails. I am better off staying put for now and doing transcription when I can, writing, and just hoping being a tech coach and data coach will keep us afloat until I can get my car paid off.

All I did to improve the house today was wash dishes - fair enough, since I dirtied quite a few preparing potato casserole and cookies for church - and sweep the kitchen.  I spot-mopped a little of the kitchen floor too.

Summer's comin' and it's gettin' warmer

It's a line from "Runaway" by Jefferson Starship.  Love, love, love that song.

In less than a week I'll be celebrating the last day of school and the beginning of my summer vacation!!!  It promises to be an interesting summer.  D's having surgery, we're going out of town at some point, and I'm not taking classes.  I'm taking a break!

I find myself making summer resolutions, like some people make new year's resolutions.  I'm going to get the house cleaner, I'll say to myself, or I'm going to lose 10 pounds.  I'd like to do both this summer.  So begins a new "series" so to speak - Summer Improvements.  I'd like to write about what I'm doing and post photos of it too.  I have plenty of tech gadgets.  I've got a Kindle Fire, a laptop, an iPad (thanks, SHS) and a new iPhone.  I can post pics of anything.

What's new, pussycat? Wo-wo-wo-oh!!!

Rachel's been here for a post-mission trip visit. She just left. I hate to see her go so soon, but... that just goes with life, sugar.

D's spending the night with a buddy.

Randy's cleaning up the storage building.

I've been updating events on websites... seems like I get that task no matter where I go. I do that on the school website, the church website, the HOSA school website... how did I get that task???

I was feeling a little frustrated. It happens so easily. I get overwhelmed with all the junk in my life and all the unfinished business I have. I have a dirty house, a big research project looming in the headlights (and getting bigger as I get closer to it) for one of my graduate courses, a smaller, but still huge work project coming up in the next few days at school, church tomorrow (two services... one should be really cool), a part-time job that doesn't pay all that well but is something that comes natural and it's something I can do at home, a full-time job that wipes me out mentally and sometimes physically and requires more time than I am willing to give it while paying about half the salary I used to make before being laid off 3 years ago, a chronic illness that tries my patience and confuses me to no end; sometimes it's easy to deal with and at other times, it's literally a huge pain. And then there are the usual things... bathrooms, furniture, and floors to clean, dishes and laundry to wash, and meals that need preparation. Thank goodness Randy doesn't mind cooking. I have a wonderful husband and two fantastic kids. Fortunately, they don't require a lot of my time anymore, but I want to spend time with them. I have parents who don't ask a lot of me, but I want to spend time with them too. I have brothers, sisters-in-law, a mother-in-law, nieces, nephews... you get the picture. I have a church family and good friends. I have a great life and it's rich and full. Unfortunately, I just don't manage my time the way I should.

I want to write. I don't usually think of that when I'm making goals for my life because... I just don't. I don't see it ever being lucrative enough for me to do it full-time. I do get a lot of my writing "jones" out by blogging and all that web work. With my "side job" of transcription, and the writing I should be doing in my online class, and especially as a teacher, I get plenty of opportunities these days. I've spent most of my life thinking, someday I will write the fiction stories that I have stored in my head all these years. Now I'm 44 and wondering, how many years do I have? Maybe I will live another 44 years, but I am already diabetic and don't eat the way I should... so really, who can say? I read an article in the Tennessean today and it got me to thinking too. It was about a woman who has dementia - and she's 49. I'll be 45 in a few weeks. That's scary.

So I was looking at "Pick the Brain." It's one of my favorite websites. I check it two or three times a week, sometimes more. I like it on Facebook, so that helps remind me to check it often. It's an inspirational - motivational site, which is something I've found really helpful over the last year. Anyway, I was reading about how "I'm the problem" and it reminded me of how often I've looked at my life and wondered, why did I end up (insert fault here... I'll give you some ideas... fat, broke, living in a perpetually-dirty house that isn't worth what I owe...)? The "fat" part - strangely, being fat doesn't bother me as far as my appearance goes, because even though I'm heavier than I've ever been, I'm still sort of in the middle. I know many thinner people and many fatter people. I still look all right, most of the time. It's my health that worries me. I wonder if my feet would feel better if I wasn't carrying around all the extra weight. I know my knees would.

I have a wonderful marriage. But sometimes I wonder - does Randy secretly wish he'd married the girl who married an astronaut? Would he have been better off if he had? Would she? I don't know. We'll never know. It doesn't matter, really. It didn't happen.

The more important question is, what can I do to become what I want to be? Or who I want to be? Am I ready to make the changes I need to do what I want???

live like... you were dying???

The day Derek was born, I called our church (at the time). It was, after all, Wednesday evening and everyone would want to know. The young lady who answered the phone was a high school senior and the daughter of a couple who had made us feel so at home in our short time there. Now Derek is 17, and today that young lady's youngest son died at the age of 10, after fighting a brain tumor for over a year. I had hoped I would catch her to give her a cap Randy got. I'm sorry that I didn't get that cap to her and Andrew.

Shortly after I heard that, I read a blog post by a woman who has lost 200 pounds. It was called "45 Simple Actions to Start Losing Weight." One of the actions: "Deal with Stress." I'm not sure how to do that. I guess I need to figure that out. This woman wrote about the stress she had from her job. I know that feeling. Some days I hate it. This week, I'm trying to get everything done so I won't have to do it during Spring Break, next week. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to get everything in. I planned to go visit Billie and Andrew last weekend. I kept over-extending myself. I stayed too long at Mom's, then at Dad's, on Saturday. Not that I regret that, I don't regret visiting my parents at all... but then I was going to eat at a fundraiser with Randy. I then had to finish a transcription assignment that I didn't complete Friday evening, because I got a late start.

Then I had classwork to do before midnight Sunday night. Though I fooled around a little and napped on Sunday afternoon after lunch, I managed to get that done at a reasonable time. Then I didn't leave myself enough time to grade my students' work because when I got through with my classwork I played online Boggle for too long. I gave up Spider Solitaire for Lent and then turned around and started playing Boggle. I am not all that great at it, and last night I decided to give it up too.

Yesterday, a couple of students and I talked about that song, "Live Like You Were Dying." They didn't really get it. I said, you know, we shouldn't live our lives waiting for something to happen later. Live like you're dying doesn't mean lie in the bed waiting for the angels to escort you home. It means live now, instead of putting things off until later. I don't know if I adequately conveyed my feelings. But in the last two weeks, when so many people have died, it means so much more.

I started teaching in August of 2009 and in the whirlwind of never-ending work and the heat of that first classroom, I lost 13 pounds in 3 months. Since then I have put on almost 30 pounds. Oh, it varies from day to day. This morning it was actually 24.5 pounds. And in November 2008, I think I even weighed less than that Nov. 2009 weight. I hate that I've gained so much weight. I don't hate myself and I don't even hate my body, but I need to get in better shape because I want to be healthier. I know a great deal of my problem is stress. I come home, eat, and have to do more work before bed. Some nights (like tonight) I put off working until it's too late. I really don't waste a ton of time on Facebook, but I spend a lot of time looking for that elusive nuclear medicine job, or some other job that promises more money and more time to relax outside of work. Next thing I know, it's 10:30, I haven't read or relaxed, I'm depressed from not finding that "perfect" job, I've still got a sack full of ungraded work and piles of housework to do, and I need to get to bed.

I don't always work as efficiently as I should. Some days I write in my blog and spend 30 minutes on Facebook. I did a lot today and I could do a lot more. I could probably stay up all night. I stayed until 7:00 doing work and grading journals. I have two more classes of journals, posters to grade, and exams to grade. I'm going to bed. I need to start living again.

But I didn't want to turn this into a story about me. I wanted to say, we all need to live like we're dying. We need to live. We need to love. We may need to work too, but we can't keep putting off our lives, because the future isn't promised. Today is a gift and we need to be grateful for it.

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday...

I think I've used this song title before, but so what?

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to our Bonnie. She was 13 and in kidney failure, and even if we'd treated her and held on to her a little longer, we would've just had to watch that painful slope downward. It was hard to let her go, but we decided that it was better to go on and do it than to keep dragging it out... for her and for us. It hasn't been easy though. I cried. A LOT. I could cry now, if I let myself, but late night cries are not good for my sinuses and I've got to be on top of things tomorrow. I just have to remind myself that even if we'd brought her home, she would never be her old healthy self again. Three years ago I was pretty sure it would be our last Christmas with her, so I have felt like we were blessed to have her as long as we did.

I am still having terrible problems with my feet. If I have to stand or walk a lot, I may not hurt then, but I pay for it later. That's the worst. I don't like knowing that if I go shopping, I'll have to hurt later (if not sooner). And I'm not talking about a mall marathon, I'm talking about going to the grocery. In all honesty, I'm thinking it's time for me to get a desk job (and no, teaching is NOT a desk job... at least not at my school) but that scares me too. Will I weigh 500 pounds if I don't have to stand up a lot? I read about three medicines, over the counter supplements, that I started yesterday (only after I looked them up for interactions with my current meds). I hope they'll work...

I do entirely too much complaining, so let me tell a happy story. Today we celebrated my mom's birthday. She is 63 and this means she has lived longer than her mom and both her grandmothers did. I used to say I was going to party like nobody's business when I made it to number 63, but now, it'll be no big deal because Mom has been there first. AND THAT IS ALL RIGHT. Now, if you are one of my Facebook friends don't pass that around... I have many more FB friends than I do blog followers so I figure I'm safe to tell her age here, LOL!!!

It's not what I did, it's what I didn't do.

First let me say that I'm not referring to my marriage. Right now, that's fine. No complaints.

I picked this song for the title because today I've been bothered a bit by the mistakes I made in the past. While typing that sentence I wondered how many mistakes I've blogged about. I thought I'd read the entries from the month that had the most, July 2007...but I couldn't read them all because I remembered where they led, where I went the next few months. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I got the job I had wanted, the job that ended 18 months later. I had two grandparents living then...I don't have either one now. But that wasn't my fault and neither was the loss of my job. Still, even now I wonder how different my life would be if I'd stayed at Skyline instead of going to Clarksville Cardiology and then Vandy and then Dr. Mishra's and then Glencliff and then Springfield. I don't regret moving from Madisonville, or leaving the VA or leaving Northcrest. I would go back to any of them if offered the right job, but I don't regret any moves before leaving Skyline.

I don't know that regret is the right word for how I feel about the other moves. I had my reasons for leaving all of them. I thought Vandy would give me a more secure future and help get my kids through college. I thought I could make peace with my situation working for Dr. Mishra, but it was everything I didn't like about working in nuclear cardiology. I left the Cliff because I wanted to teach closer to home. I don't regret going to Springfield, and I'm not sure I regret going into teaching, but, I miss working in health care. And, I miss the money I used to make.

Nuclear medicine technology is an oft-misunderstood profession, as I've learned over the years, even since I left the field, as I wrote last night. All those years, I felt like it sounded impressive but it wasn't. Now, I think, that DID sound impressive, and in some ways it was, and all the while, I didn't like it.

I feel like I haven't done much with my life. I've raised two great kids, and for that I'm very happy and thankful. Otherwise, I've spent too much time eating, playing on the computer, driving too much, writing about nonsense, and learning about trivia. I haven't written anything great or accomplished great things either for God or my family. I live from paycheck to paycheck and sometimes fall in the gap in between.

I haven't even made the most of this summer. I haven't cleaned the house as well as I should've, gotten in shape, or done enough fun stuff. Heck, I haven't even worked hard enough, because I haven't planned at all for this coming semester. And, it's coming fast. Not only that, but I've bitten off more than I can chew. But, I've done that for a reason. I have to do what I have to do.

Right now, I need to do laundry. So, I'll write more later.

I'm walking on sunshine!

Ever since I decided to ease up on myself ten or twelve days ago, life has been amazing.

Physically, the water experiment seems to be going well. I did not get all my water in today. I will do better tomorrow. I feel better, my skin is better, and I worked out today. I don't have to be skinny, but I'd like to be strong and active. Regular exercise helps me control my sugars, even if I don't change my diet. I'm planning to do more this summer, but I didn't want to wait that long to get started.

Mentally, things are all right. School is getting to those final days when nobody - including me - wants to do anything! Fortunately, I have some interesting topics going on so they're having a good time and doing something too. I'm getting ready to go back to school this summer. I've decided to get a master's in instructional technology. I feel like it's a good way to incorporate my website and computer expertise with education, and to broaden my horizons as well. I think the classes sound very interesting. I am also working on a trial article for an online publication. More on that later, I hope! There are also interesting things going on in Randy's work. They have announced that they're going to a larger building in Clarksville. There will certainly be some changes but not all the details are available yet.

Spiritually, I could be doing better. I feel that God is with me, working on me, and helping me in all ways. He's been good to me, but I really haven't been as good to Him as I should be. I've been thanking Him...but I could do better. Well, I will do better on that too.

The kids are doing great and Randy's doing all right too. Rachel will be coming home this week!

Now I am getting sleepy and I know I need to get in the kitchen & wash dishes. Just wanted to jot down the good stuff going on right now.

She's so heavy

That would be me.

This is a long one so bear with.

I think I have been in denial for the past few years. Suddenly I see photos that made me think, "I'm not that big," and I think, yeah, I am.

Now, don't feel sorry for me, please. I don't.

I've spent a lot of years hating my body. When I was about 9, I heard that I was fat. Mom told me I'd "run it off" in the summer. That was when the troubles began. I would starve myself one day, and overeat the next. Mom told me that I needed to just relax, just eat a little less and not go crazy, so I stopped dieting for awhile.

The next fall, a group of boys laughed at me as I rounded the corner into the restroom. I don't remember crying then - I guess I waited until I got home - but I do remember crying about it.

Did Mom tell me that the boys were silly & just looking for someone to pick on? Or did I figure that out on my own? I don't remember for sure. I can't say I intentionally blocked it from my memory. I was just in the 4th grade. It was a long time ago.

I grew taller, and skinnier for awhile. Over the next few years, I'd gain a little, then lose a little. In photos I looked great. Unfortunately, I was totally body dysmorphic. I thought I was obese in 7th grade because my classmates weighed in the 90's. I weighed 117. I'd be skin and bones if I weighed that now. At the end of 7th grade I gained 13 pounds and actually had a bustline for a change. But suddenly even my family was in on the fat comments. I really don't want to go there online, but I felt terrible pressure to be thin.

In high school, I went to church with the popular girls, and everybody made over their tiny little figures, and all I heard was that they weighed 90 or 93 or one of them cried because she gained a pound...oh, I felt horrible, fluctuating between 123 and 133. Dieting seemed too complicated, and like a ton of work. Back then, there weren't that many opportunities to work out except sports, which I was too uncoordinated to do. I liked biking and I was in marching band, and I liked shooting the basketball a bit. Once I did Weight Watchers religiously for a week and lost a half-pound. It seemed like way too much effort to be so unnoticeable.

One of the popular girls, let's call her Jamie, said she just naturally didn't feel like eating every day and that's what kept her small. So I thought, well, there you go. I'll just skip eating sometimes. What I didn't realize was that I was starting a cycle that would totally ruin my metabolism. I'd starve myself as long as I could stand it, then eat everything in sight.

I've talked about my blood sugar issues in this blog and they sort of started then. I hated myself for not being strong enough to fight my weight. I hated myself for not having the willpower to stick with a diet, or to keep myself starving even though I was shaking like a leaf from hypoglycemia. I hated my body for having hypoglycemia (I was insulin resistant for a long, long time) and not letting me starve it into submission.

Occasionally I'd get really busy or active for awhile and lose some weight, but it never stayed off, so I felt like a failure again, and in my depression, pack on a few more pounds. I had some successful times, followed by failures, over and over. I've lost and gained the same 30 pounds - or parts of it - at least 5 times in the last 14 years. Now I'm pretty close to "maximum density" again.

This time there's a difference.

This time Randy has convinced me that I look beautiful to him. Beautiful, just as I am, not 50 pounds ago or "still beautiful despite the weight gain." He treats me like a queen, like he really means it. It has made all the difference in the world. This time, it's all right.

Never mind a few months ago, when I was complaining about gaining weight in my stomach, Mom said I needed willpower. I countered that it took all the willpower I had to keep going when I was taking two graduate courses while teaching at a new school - one with a bad reputation. I was proud of myself for that one. She managed to keep her weight down with willpower for a long time. Now she's sick & can't keep weight on, but fails to realize that we're not all that way. (I won't say that lucky, because she has definitely not been lucky in the health area.) The neuropathy medicine makes you gain; the treatment for a recent injury makes you gain. When I told her about one med, she said, "Are you sure you want to take that?" I'm thinking, "Uh, yeah, if it comes between gaining weight and my injury getting infected and rotting off, yeah, I'll take a little weight gain." THAT weight came off, but what was left was totally redistributed, rendering some clothes too tight.

I have long thought beauty came in all sizes. For whatever reason, though (probably at least one of those I've talked about today), I thought I needed to be super skinny, like in the double-digit weights. I could "settle" for being on the top side of my BMI, which would still be 60 plus pounds less than I weigh today. Fantasizing about how wonderful life would be if I lost 50 - or 75 - or 100 - or 120 - pounds didn't get me there.

Life is pretty wonderful now.

So am I, even with a big behind and busting out of my old shirts.

My heart is on fire, part two.

Continuing that last post...

For two years, the neuropathy has been off and on. Sometimes it has been pretty easy to ignore, but for the last six weeks or so it has been nearly unbearable at times, not all day every day, but nearly every day for at least three hours. I used to do the elliptical for thirty minutes at a time but I haven't been able to do that in awhile. Yesterday I probably could have, but my stomach was upset, so I didn't get to finish. This, on top of my plantar fasciitis (which isn't nearly as bad as it was in the summer), has made any activity where I have to stand for more than 10 minutes a real challenge. Shopping gets the best of me after about 20 minutes; the standing in line is usually miserable. Socks and shoes aggravate the neuropathy, and being barefoot aggravates the fasciitis.


So now I stumble around, sometimes fall, and have to sit a lot more than I would like.


On top of this, I have learned that in the last four years, I have gone from having one mildly leaky valve in my heart to four in various stages of leaking. Mostly the leaks are mild, with one that has graduated to moderate. Whoopee! In addition to this, it beats too fast and, though it didn't happen when I wore the monitor, it throws out extra beats here and there.

Yes, I DO feel like I am falling apart.

I don't share a lot of this very often because I figure everybody has their share of troubles. Compared to some people, my troubles aren't very bad. Compared to others, I seem like a train wreck. For a long time I didn't share this because I wanted to do what I want without other people telling me I can't. Mainly, that meant I wanted to eat whatever I wanted without people making judgment. However, the last four months have been enough to change my mind. This past semester I gave in and told them when I kept coming in irritable or groggy and getting sick to my stomach, wearing funny shoes and stumbling around like a drunk sometimes.

I'm telling it now, because I am tired of bearing this alone.

Yesterday after my doctor's visit I felt like I had everything wrong with me. I don't, though. I don't have cancer, and I'm thankful for that, because I have seen cancer, and it is definitely no fun. But I admire cancer survivors. I would like to be a survivor.

Heart disease is the number one killer of women. Now I have a vested interest. I am going to be a survivor.

My heart is on fire.

Well, my heart isn't really on fire. My soul may be like a wheel that's turning, but I'll talk about that later. My feet are on fire. They feel like I've been walking around in the snow, which we don't have this week, yet (but we might by Christmas).

I don't talk about this a lot, but I have some health issues, and lately, they have been worse than ever.

First of all, I am a type 2 diabetic.

I was insulin resistant at a very young age - the earliest incidence of it I remember was when I was in 7th grade. I did not understand a lot about that problem and neither did anyone else I knew. I knew that I wasn't SUPPOSED to eat a lot of sugar, but at that time, I thought I just shouldn't be eating at all, which, of course, does not work if you are insulin resistant. So I would try not to eat and then when I got really hungry, I would eat everything in sight. In time, I got over the trying not to eat part. I tried other things. I thought if I ate really big meals that I wouldn't get hungry as quickly. Instead, I got hungry at the same times I always did, but I ate more at meals, so I got bigger and bigger. I dieted from time to time, which helped. I tried the Weigh Down method of only eating when I was hungry, which did help me not to gain weight and I actually lost a little, but I screwed up my blood sugar doing that too. That method says you can eat anything when you are hungry, and not when you are full. So I would eat something high in carbs, have a drop in blood sugar, eat more carbs, sugar low, you get the picture. I would lose 20 pounds, then gain 20 pounds.

Then, at age 37, I went to three different doctors for three different conditions and every one of them said, "Are you diabetic?" I said no, I'd never been told that. After my 38th birthday I went for my annual blood draw at the doctor, I got the news. I had rounded the corner. I got on medication. I didn't crave as many sweets, but I didn't cut them out completely. I started exercising and lost weight and my sugars went down. I got laid off and got a job I hated and gained weight. I got a new job where I sweated a lot and worked 80 hours a week and I lost weight. I got depressed and hurt my foot and I gained it back. Then I got another job and took two graduate courses and I didn't have a free minute to work out. It is just a wonder I am weighing the same as I did in the summer.

For three months I have had higher sugars and now, my provider has upped my dose. Thank God, no insulin yet. I'm trying to avoid that.

Two Thanksgivings ago I got neuropathy. Yay! There's something to be thankful for, NOT!

I will post more on this in my next post which will be tonight! Later.

you can count on me...

I am thinking about using my journal to write a book about my first year in the classroom. I tried to come up with song lyrics that summed up each month last school year. In August, the title would have been, "A Change is Gonna Come." In September I was still overwhelmed and in the honeymoon stage. I picked "Dancin' in the Moonlight" for that one. October brought the end of the honeymoon phase and "The Thrill is Gone." In November, "There's a New Kid in Town" reflected the changes when Sarah came. I picked "Like a Rock" for December, with my strong resolve when Granddaddy passed. January was another story, with "Hopelessly Devoted to You." ("If I Can't Have You" would've been good too.) February, I chose "Rollercoaster" to describe the emotional upheaval in my house, and in March, "With a Little Luck" seemed to sum up my optimism. In April, I chose this song..."Count on Me" by Jefferson Starship. It was a song that reminded me of those happy moments in 1978, and the words of the title seemed to echo my sentiment for Glencliff as the job possibilities at other places came and went. (But more on that later.) With the flood on May 1, picking a song for that month was easy - "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?"

As school ended, I thought I had made up my mind to stay at Glencliff. Then, I heard there would probably be a position at Sycamore. I applied. The next day the county posted on their website that they're looking for health science teachers but specifically put, "Must have RN license." In other words, "we got your resume, health science teacher without an RN license, but we want you and everyone else to know, we're only interested if you're a nurse, because one of these days we're going to offer the ONE course the state of TN requires to be taught by an RN. We haven't yet but we will." I wrote ugly things about this in my journal, but, que sera sera.

Well, that's all I have to say about that.

There were openings in Montgomery County, all gone now. One was taken by a teacher who left and went to Ft. Campbell. She tried to recruit me for Ft. Campbell and now she's going back to teaching. Ft. Campbell never called, by the way, and I wasn't all that fired up about going back to nucs so soon anyway. The money would be nice, though. One was taken by a teacher from Robertson County, which never posted that opening. I wonder if they were going to downsize anyway? There WAS an opening in Robertson County but it was as far from here as Glencliff is, and taking on two schools. I thought about it, but was kind of waiting for some other stuff to happen at the time, so I didn't apply. Had it been closer to home, I'd have been more interested.

So, at this point I think it's safe to say I'm going back to the Cliff next year, and I'm actually very happy about it. I have a new classroom and two of the three preps I had last year, with one added that I don't know much about but I'm excited to have. I have plans for HOSA and I think it will be a good year.

I hope my health will cooperate. Since school's been out, I've had an ear infection, stomach troubles, and a heel spur...plus, I'm waiting for the results of some lab work that could be life-changing. We shall see what this brings. I had really hoped to get into shape this summer but between a sore foot, giving up my Y membership because of money, and the extreme heat for this point in the year, I have just not been able to get anywhere. Still, I am LOVING the summer. It is GREAT to have days off.

Derek's mowing at Me-maw's today & Rachel's helping at a camp. Randy was off last week but had to go back today. I'm going to do some homework for my two summer courses now. Later, I'll do a little planning for the school year, and later, go to class. Summer is great.

If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby

This song said it all in 1979.

I was 12 years old and madly, crazy in love with Tracey Evetts. He was two years older than me and I thought he was the most beautiful creature God put on this earth. He played baseball for my dad and he left his glove in the truck at the end of the season. I slept with it under my pillow for a year.

He had a blue bike and I had a red one. Our grandparents lived in the same neighborhood (and had for 75 years). From Tracey, I learned how to play "Galaga" because that game was at the grocery store. He knew I existed, but I'm sure he just thought I was a silly little girl.

In 7th grade, we had this unspoken agreement. When he got on the bus at the high school, he knew he had a seat next to me. I don't remember telling people not to sit there, but I must have let it be known that was his seat. He was a pest. I loved it, but I never let on. I still sort of liked him then, but by then, I was spending a lot of time on the phone with one of his buddies. As teenage "love" goes, his buddy thought I was a silly little girl, and had a crush on another girl.

In 9th grade I fell for him all over again. I don't really remember what went right, or what went wrong that time. I do remember Mom telling me she didn't know why I kept fooling with him, that he didn't care a thing about me, and that I could find someone who DID care about me. Tracey fell in love with another girl, and eventually they got married. Meanwhile, I dated several people, some who cared a lot, and others who really didn't. Most of them didn't pass muster with the parents either. I wondered if they ever thought they'd have been better off if I'd held out for Tracey. (Truthfully, looking back, I know my mom didn't. Don't know how Daddy felt though.)

A few years later, I got married too. One day we happened to be staying in the same place, with relatives at the lake, and he told me how impressed he was at what I was doing. It was nice.

Our lives went different ways. He got divorced. At that time, Randy and I were in Madisonville, having a baby. Randy and I hit a rough patch a little later, around the time we moved back to Tennessee. By then, he was married again, and they were having a baby. I only saw him once in all those years after that. He didn't quite look like the cute little boy who rode the blue bicycle...but then, I didn't look the same either. I couldn't hold that against him. He signed my guestbook on Classmates about 18 months ago. I thought that was nice.

All through these years I have loved those same songs I liked in 1978 and 1979. It was the music I loved when I was 12 years old, when life was fun, when I believed I would grow up to be pretty, and successful, and have everything I dreamed I would have. Good memories.

I loved living in my hometown. It's a good place. I live about 30 minutes from there now. You can live in town and walk to the store, or to school, or to the Post Office. You don't have to drive 5 miles to get a gallon of milk. If you do drive 5 or 6 miles, you can sit down and eat at any kind of restaurant or shop at any kind of store. (Of course, you only have to drive 10 miles for that here.) The best thing about it was that all my family was/is right there. I have often told people I miss those days when my parents and their friends would get together, and how the best times of my childhood were those neighborhood 4th of July parties and gatherings. Some people there still have those kind of get-togethers with their school buddies. I didn't know this until recently. I learned this when he died a little over 2 weeks ago.

I learned this on Facebook. It may sound superstitious, but I'll never check my Facebook during lunch on an "A" day again. It's a school thing - we have classes on alternating days. On A days my planning period is 1st; on B days it's last period. So...I have to plan for B days at the end of A days. I checked Facebook at lunch, didn't have a planning period afterward, left, distraught, at the end of the day and came in at the beginning of the next week on a B day for which I hadn't planned properly. No. I'll never do it again. I depend too much on my ability to plan for the next day, and I can't take a chance on being devastated at the end of the day.

It made me sad for his wife and his daughter. It made me thankful to have my sweet Randy. It made me feel old to think it has been that long - 30 years - since we rode the bus and he hit me with the two big nails he soldered together. It made me feel strange to realize that what I am now is all because of those days and the things I did then. It made me feel empty to think of all that I have missed living here, where I have nothing in common with my neighbors and my family's 30 minutes away and my kids don't go to school with the children of my classmates.

I have spent too much time on the computer when I should have been doing things with people. A lot of those times I was here because Randy was doing his own thing, either playing cards or playing music, and the kids were too little to leave alone, and I didn't have the money to pay someone to watch them while I did my own thing. Now they are bigger, and they don't need me as much as they did then. Rachel will be in college this time next year.

I've had a great life not living in Ridgetop. I've made a lot of friends over the years. I still see people from Ridgetop a lot. I get home often. (Probably not often enough!) In some ways, though, I've missed out on a lot.

This year has been particularly hard because it takes me 30 or more hours a week to prepare for the 40 I spend teaching, and after you count the 10 hours a week I spend commuting and the 10 I spend eating breakfast, showering, reading the paper, checking email, etc. every week, and the 56 I should spend sleeping, that only leaves 22 hours a week to do everything else. That sounds like a lot until you think of what all has to be done. Church is 2 or more hours a week. (I'm glad I became a Methodist! If I were still Baptist that would be more like 5 or 6 hours.) Going to Mom's takes 30 minutes each way, so if I visit for 2 hours, that's 3 hours total. That leaves 17 hours, divided over 7 days...meaning, I only have about 2.5 hours a day to relax and that's not really accurate because I have to do things like go to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. I'd like to work out more often, but that's 30 minutes each way travel time and 30 minutes of exercise. And, of course, I spend about an hour of my day on Facebook, but I do get a little social interaction out of that. It's no wonder I feel isolated, though.

I didn't make new year's resolutions this year. Today, though, Feb. 1, I am making new month's resolutions. In my journal, sometime around Jan. 1, I wrote that I need to be happy with the life I have. I do intend to do that. I also intend to start spending more time with my friends while I can.

Little victories

Do you remember this song? It was on Bob Seger's album "The Distance." I probably still own this album, somewhere.

I bought it for the guy who took me to his prom that year. I saw him yesterday. He works at Vanderbilt. There's not much to tell there. It was a short visit. It was nice to see him. In all the time I have been working there, that was the first time I saw him, & I wasn't along my usual route. I did know he worked there, but I don't think he knew I was there.

That really wasn't why I thought of the song, though. I was thinking of how far I've come in a week.

This time last week we were at Randy's sister's house, "recovering" from the wedding. I wasn't recovered yet. I think Randy & I were the only ones over 21 who weren't drinking. Well, maybe Randy's mom wasn't drinking. But, we both had to drive because Randy had too much stuff in his truck, so no drinking for me. I don't drink much anyway, but I could have really tied one on after that wedding.

I picked last week, that busy week, to start the FlyLady system for housekeeping. I have toyed with it before but really, I wasn't ready for it at the time. This time I knew I was ready to make some changes. I also knew I wouldn't be ready to jump in headfirst, as I usually do. FlyLady encourages people to take Baby Steps. At first I was skeptical, until I printed off the tips for Payroll SHEs (you really need to go to her website to understand all this!). Seeing that it worked for other people who work outside the home made it look a little more do-able for me. I didn't try to do everything at once, but I did go ahead & make a control journal right off. I still have a long way to go, but I've made a lot of progress.

FlyLady's system makes the weekends mostly chore-free by doing all the cleaning jobs during the week. I haven't quite graduated to that point yet. Last week, because there was a lot of laundry to do before the week began & because we were not home at all on Friday & Saturday, I washed clothes on Sunday. I did my night & morning routines through the weekend, then added the weekly plan on Monday.


This week's zone was the living room, which was probably the cleanest room in the house before I started. We just got rid of an old recliner & couch & moved in a new couch & loveseat, so we had already straightened up a bit. My weekly house blessing helped, & by the end of the week I had the laundry pretty well caught up. Today, though, I had to employ the crisis cleaning method because Rachel wanted to have a picnic for her friends. Over the last few weeks she has, a little at a time, straightened up her room a lot, because she wanted her friends to come over. Having the house in fair condition made it easy for me to focus on what needed doing: decluttering the dining room, making the garage presentable, & cleaning the countertop in the main bathroom.


So, the picnic was a success. Several kids are still here. I need to do a little cleanup work...gotta make sure everything got picked up in the yard.


Here are some pictures from the wedding last week. I realized that my MySpace link is just to the regular site. So, here you can see the photos in small form. Now you see what I meant about being the short, fat one! But I am not dwelling on that either, because I had another small victory yesterday. I noticed my scrub pants were kind of loose in the legs. Then I remembered that when I bought those scrubs back before Christmas (17 pounds ago) they were very tight. Now they aren't!

I told Randy I SHOULD have put those scrubs on LAST Friday when I needed an ego boost. Oh, well. Rome wasn't built in a day.

The heat is on.

It is really, really hot right now. Every day seems to be a little hotter than the one before. Unlike last year, we ARE getting rain, thanks be to God. It has been a hot summer so far.

Today Rachel turned 16 & she got her driver's license. Life has changed all of a sudden!

The last few weeks have been rather messy for me. In some ways, my life has changed for the better because of these last three weeks or so. In other ways, it's hard to tell if it's been worth the pain.

My niece got married last Saturday night & if you want to see pictures, check out the photo album on MySpace. I am easy to pick out of the crowd. I am the short woman. (I know. I'm the fat woman too. Don't tell my husband you noticed this. He thinks no one will notice but me. Bless his heart.) Actually these photos are really small but give me time, maybe one of these days I will put them on one of my other web pages.

I really, really did not want to be in the front row in the picture & to be truthful, it broke my heart that I had to. I am too short to be in the back & too fat to be in the front. Well, facing the reality that I was going to have to be the fat one has not been easy for me. I mean, I know I am but being reminded of it kind of stinks. Anyway, I have been on a mental growth spurt lately. I can't go into all of it but I can say this. I used to hate myself for getting fat, letting my house go & always being in financial trouble. Well, I am trying to get fitter, I am doing the Flylady system to get my house in order, & I started getting out of financial trouble last summer when I changed jobs. I used to think I hated myself because those things happened. Now I think they happened because I didn't love myself. So, I'm going to get the priorities straight this time.

I would love to write more but it is time for me to get to bed. Later!!!

It's raining again.

It's supposed to turn into snow. Uh huh. We've heard this before. They blow smoke & act like it's gonna be the blizzard of '08. We get a few flakes. So, I will believe it when I see it. I really am not all that excited about seeing more snow. I like snow occasionally but I am really not in the mood anymore. I'm kind of ready for spring now.

The weight loss challenge is going all right. I think I've lost a pound or two, I am trying to stay off the scale because it gets frustrating. I have been cold ever since the day we joined the Y. Well, I'm not usually cold after I get off the treadmill but I'm not hot either. If I had known dieting would make me cold all the time I would've started in August when it was 105 at sunrise every day. I think this has something to do with my blood sugar. Now that I am exercising more, my sugar runs lower, which is a good thing (it was never extremely high to begin with, just high enough to require oral medication to keep it in fairly normal range), but it also drops easier & when that happens, I get cold. Fortunately, I have been feeling pretty good, not even a sniffle.

I have run out of time for writing this morning. I need to walk the dog & finish getting ready for work. Tomorrow I plan to do some serious writing & I'll update the blog then too. A couple of interesting things have happened - nothing earth-shattering, but kind of cool - so I'll write about them tomorrow.

a change will do you good

Yesterday Randy joined the Y again. This was kind of like putting a gun to my head & saying, "Girl, if you don't start eating right & exercising THIS INSTANT, you are gonna regret it." You see, in 2003, he lost 70 pounds in the time it took me to lose 20. You could barely tell I'd lost an ounce. He was skinny. It was miserable. People made snide remarks. He was kind of arrogant about it, though in his defense, he could've been a lot worse.

Egotistically, I am probably retarded. I do not use that word to make fun of people. I mean, I have emotional issues a lot of people do not have. I would rather not get into all the baggage I brought with me into my marriage, but...my self-esteem is weak. There was a lot expected of me as a child. I had good looking parents & appeared to be intellectually quite gifted. I have often felt like a failure as an adult, because I did not turn out to be pretty, successful & rich. My greatest accomplishment is that I have raised two good kids. That's nothing to sneeze at...I'm proud...but so much more was expected of me.

And those kids could still turn on me! But maybe they won't.

Anyway, when he was getting his ego stroked constantly, I was getting NOTHING positive, just ugly remarks by family members & mean-spirited co-workers. When I get nothing, after awhile I am kind of like a spoiled child who throws tantrums at the grocery store. I will get attention even if I get it the wrong way. If the hubby's not feeding my self-esteem, I'll look for someone who will. Now please don't think I go around looking over my shoulder. I don't, but back then, I did.

I didn't cheat on him. I don't think he cheated on me. But it was a horrible, dark season in our lives. He put his need to exercise before EVERY other need our family had. It was harder for me to fit in a workout because he would go to the Y straight from work, while I had to go home & take care of the kids. I resented him, a lot. It worked for awhile for him, but then things happened, & then he got big again.

He thinks I just want him to be big. I do like him the way he is, but I also want him to be healthy. I liked him when he was skinny too. My problem is that emotionally, I needed to have a good 30 pound head start on him so I don't go through that again. I felt like a failure for not having that already & I don't need more evidence that I'm a failure.

Emotionally, I am not very far removed from the last dark period of my life. I still don't think I was ready to have that gun put to my head, but it got put there, so here I am, on unstable ground again.

I have to be fairly stable emotionally in order to do my job. I couldn't care less if I'm emotionally stable at home. That's unfortunate because my husband & kids deserve for me to be strong too, but they need my income more than they need my emotional stability. Fortunately, it's mostly tears on my part - they don't have to hear me yell much. To be strong enough to do my job I have to do certain things like I mentioned in my last post. I have to avoid sad and negative music at ALL COSTS (even if it means walking out of a store, church, the funeral home, etc.). I have to fill my heart & mind & soul with positive, happy, upbeat thoughts & songs. It is a MUST. I have to compartmentalize my soul to some extent, to save my emotions until the right time.

This has set me back about 2 months in my emotional recovery from last summer & fall's dark days. I think it's great that Randy wants to do something about his health. Let me get that out there. I am proud of him. But I need MY emotional strength, & the only way I can get that is to lose the weight as rapidly as possible. The only way I know how to do that is self-loathing & beating myself to death. Emotionally, I cannot handle that right now, but I know no other way. I can coddle myself right up to 250 pounds. I can only lose weight by hurting myself.

This time I have the very slight advantage of him needing to lose more than 70 pounds, but I need to lose more than 60 myself. But, it's time for me to lose weight, & to hurry up about it. I am praying. Please, pray too.