how I wish, how I wish you were here...

One of my students plays that on his guitar just about every morning. That's right, I said My Students. I got a teaching job, left the doctor's office behind, and now I get up every morning and leave before daylight and get to work 35 minutes later...at about 6:30 every day. I get off work at 2:15 but usually work until bedtime, not always there, but sometimes I am there until time to pick up the D from football practice.

Life is sort of hard right now. I don't have time to update web pages...unless I am creating a webpage for my students to see what they've missed when they were out, and dang if there aren't four or five of those every day. In this really strange and hard-to-explain way, though, I really like it. I get aggravated from time to time but I do like my students. I think they like me. Some days they may not like me, but overall it goes pretty well. Was I born to do this? I don't know. I do know I wish I had done this a long time ago. I think when I was 22 I would have taken to it rather well. Is this why I never found a nuc job that made me happy? I don't know. I do know that if I'd been stayed at any one of several of them, I would have been there instead of at Vandy and I wouldn't have been laid off, and I wouldn't have been ready for a career change, or if I had been, I would have been afraid to make that change.

I believe I am where God wants me to be.

I can't convince my mother of that. She is terrified. I know she didn't worry so much when I worked at hospitals where I got called in at all hours and had to walk through dark parking garages and scary hallways, where I would have to be in the only car on the interstate amongst all those 18-wheelers, sometimes making two or even three 30-mile-one-way treks per night, then get up and do it all again the next day. She was probably blissfully unaware that I walked in danger then, when I would be all alone in a nuclear medicine or ultrasound department, just me with a patient. Some of those rooms didn't have emergency call buttons or if they did, they'd be ringing at some empty desk if pulled in the middle of the night. I worried back then. Would the patient fall while I was in the other room getting his dose? Or would he jump me and leave me in the cold, empty department to die? Would I hurt myself trying to move him with no help because my dose would expire before help came? Would I have to walk to the other hospital, outside in the dark or through those dark, scary hallways, trying to get the films to the radiologist? Then possibly have to take more pictures?

So far, school is much less scary.

I do sometimes look at my teaching friends who don't have to drive 35 miles to work, or who teach at their kids' schools or who teach at schools closer to home, or where I grew up, and I think, surely it would it have been easier there. But would it really? My tires might have been slashed after my son's team beat their school's team in football. My kids would be mortified if I told stories on them at their school.

It is hard work. I have no free time. I should be working on my lesson plan for tomorrow right now. No, really I should have already done it. But, I was looking at Blogger thinking this might be a good way for me to help those kids who come in every week, already behind, needing to know what they need to do to catch up. I am going to make that blog a little more private than this one, but, I think it'll be here on Blogger after all. Anyway, say a prayer for me and for Mom too, will ya? She needs all our prayers and please, ask God to comfort her about me too. I think I'm going to be all right.

School's out for summer

School was out last time I wrote, but school is about to become a lot more important in my life again. I am going back to school. Finally, I have decided what I want to do with my life. I want to be a teacher. Deep down, I think I have always wanted this. I don't necessarily regret becoming a nuclear medicine technologist, but I have always had this desire to share what I had learned. In my first nuclear medicine job, I felt very ignorant. I had a B.S. degree, and sometimes I wondered if the "other" BS wasn't appropriate. I knew so much less than the "kids" coming out of the A.S. program in radiography, for which my employer was a clinical facility. In my second job, I DID get to train nuclear medicine students, and I did my best to ensure that they didn't feel as stupid as I felt when I got into the real world. I left that job because I had two small children who needed a mom who could volunteer with their elementary school classes and Girl Scouts and Mission Friends and Children in Action. I worked part-time and then full-time again for another teaching facility. There, the supervisor assigned me to work with the x-ray students who needed to observe nuclear medicine. From there I went to an office job, where I learned that not every office is a perfect job, like the techs I worked with at Skyline had moved into. So I went back to work for another teaching hospital, where I had hoped someday to work with students again. But, that job went away as quickly as it came. So now I am at another doctor's office, wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. And it will drop. It's just a matter of time.

So, knowing that, I had to think about what I might be able to do when I need another job. Two nuc techs I know went into teaching vocational health occupations courses. I would love to do this, but I was told in my home county that they have an opening, but only RN's could teach this class. Another county near here has an opening and the ad specifically says an RN is not necessary, just preferred. I just don't know if I want to teach THERE. I don't know. I am thinking about it, but one thing I know for certain: I want to teach. Another thing I know for certain: I start classes in August for my MA. I met with the Graduate Coordinator yesterday. I am going to be a teacher. Maybe not this year (doesn't look good anyway) but probably next year. Keep looking in this spot for more updates...just don't expect them very often!!!

always something breaking us in two.

i broke my right hand 11 days ago. 17 more days to wear the cast. i am sick of it already. it is hot and miserable. tired of not being able to do things. hurts sometimes. broke it at new job. the "hold on to the patient's belt, it will keep them from falling on the treadmill" trick does not work. patient still fell and i have a broken hand to prove it. life is still busy. just wanted to check in. back in another 2 months, ha ha.

Who wants to go to Fire Lake?

I want to go to the lake. Only I want it to be warmer there than it is here.

I love Easter, but today I just didn't feel very good. My morning got off to a bad start. The sunrise service was sort of stressful. The cantata went all right. The dinner at Randy's mom's house was good. Dinner was good at Mom's too, but by that time I had eaten too much. I am tired of my thumb being in a protective sock while my cut heals. Everybody thought I was mad, but I really wasn't, when I wanted Rachel to take Randy's plate. I didn't want Mom to have to take it because I didn't want her to think Randy was too lazy to take his own.

Deep down I really wanted to have Easter here today. I knew it wouldn't happen because nobody wants to come out here. My house is too small (like Mom's isn't?), it's too far away (ok, I'll give them that - so I drive that far every week of my life) & it's got too many animals. Well, that is for sure. I am ready for a new house. I know, I am not going to get one. It really doesn't have to be big and fancy. It just needs to be a little bigger. I need a second back door. I need a lot of things.

I am tired. Later!

Behind Closed Doors

I haven't blogged in awhile because...well, I just haven't made the time to write a lot lately. I started this post this morning. Then I re-thought the whole situation & now it's midnight - the next morning & I'm working on it again.

Life is busy, as usual.

This month I finally got an iPod & so far, the song I have played most has been "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich.

I liked this song when I was a kid. I wonder how much of it I understood, when I was six years old. Did I know what he meant when he said "She makes me glad that I'm a MAN!"? I wonder. But I knew it was something like "She's A Lady." I knew I wanted to be not just a woman, but a lady when I grew up.

I could go into all this, why this song in particular has been the one I've played over and over ad nauseum. And by the way, I always have one of those at any particular time in my life. A few months ago it was "Can't Fight This Feeling." Before that it was something else. My hair is longer now than it used to be, so sometimes I put it up...and behind closed doors, I let my hair hang down. But that's not why I like it. It might be what makes me think of it more often.

This made the fourth week I worked at the new place. I have liked it far more than I thought I would. I really didn't see that coming. I just realized I haven't written about that at all. Wow.

It has been wild. At first, when I was training, I cried a lot. I mean, a LOT. Then I actually did it on my own a few days, & I was OK with it. And after about a week, well, I was glad things happened the way they did. And after two weeks, I was sure it was for the best. I miss my old job. I loved it. But I like the new place too. I have a lot more autonomy and it is a lot closer to home. I may not be getting quite as good of a package, but it is nice to have more free time. I had a tough day today, but it wasn't awful. It was better than sitting at home wondering if Vanderbilt was ever going to call me back. Which they haven't.

It has been a tremendous change, going to a place where I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am making things better. I may not ever be appreciated for that by my employers, but, I think the patients appreciate it. And, just for that alone, I feel much more valuable. Just about every day, at least one patient - sometimes more than one - hugs me, or tells me they had a good experience. Some days I will see a patient I scanned a few days ago & they will say something nice about their test. I hope they are telling the doctors that too. I try to make the patients feel as good as some of them make me feel. So far, it seems to be working.

It has its moments. I cut my thumb open yesterday with a razor, getting ready to prep a man's chest. In my old job, that wouldn't have happened because (A) we had shavers with a different type of blade, though they were trying to replace them when I left, and (B) I didn't have to prep most of my patients...though I did prep some of them so it could've happened there, I guess. On the other hand, in my old job I mashed a finger & cut my hand on a collimator, so you can get hurt anywhere. I had to spend 20 minutes getting put back together, with patients waiting. But as always, it worked out.

The rest of my life has been interesting too. It seems to be going by in a frenzied rush...sort of like the tornadoes that seem to hit on a weekly basis in this area.

A few weeks ago Randy's fraternity was re-chartered at APSU & we got to see some of our old buddies from college. That made me do some thinking...as did a picture a friend put on Facebook...as did a chance encounter with an old acquaintance, & then a second chance encounter with that acquaintance a few days later. I remembered a lot of things from our younger days that I have missed a lot since we grew up & changed. For instance, I used to love going to functions when Randy worked at The Messenger. I don't know if I realized it at the time...I probably dreaded getting ready, I was probably nervous about going, but I have great, great memories of those dinners. And since he left there, he hasn't worked anywhere I got to do that kind of socializing. Once or twice a year we have dinners with Jostens people, and I do like those. But it is so rare.

When we were young, I used to like going to see Randy play because his band played clubs where a lot of people would go: college friends, family members, his co-workers, you name it. That fell by the wayside too. Now, if his bands play out, they're in biker bars, and I'm not really comfortable there. (Though the Bikers Who Care Christmas party I went to was great!) Most of the time his bands just get together & practice, then they sit around & play cards or watch a race or game or something. I am not a part of this scene. I spend most of my weekend nights here at the house doing nothing.

This has always been a source of friction for me & Randy. His friends are mostly single, or divorced...few have girlfriends. When they get girlfriends, the girls keep them out of that circle. I don't particularly want to hang out with single women on the weekends. It is nothing personal. I just feel like I'm the only one not looking for a date, or who has to get home to the kids. It makes me wonder if Randy's buddies are looking for dates too. (If they are truly at some guy's house playing cards, probably not.) If I weren't married to Randy, I wouldn't be out trolling in some bar looking for a date. I seriously don't think I would have to, but if I did, I'd rather go sit at Borders & read for my own personal pleasure! Or sing Karaoke at Talents!

Truth be told, I LIKED the hobnobbing. I liked being the lady who was leaving with Randy! I liked the feeling that he was proud to be seen out with me in places like that. I don't necessarily have to be the most beautiful woman there, or by any means the most important one. I just want to be there, & for Randy to be proud to have me there. For a long time, that has been missing. I used to think I looked too frumpy & it didn't matter. But now, I don't feel all that frumpy anymore & by golly, I want him to be proud to be with me. So stay tuned. We will see how this pans out.

Mom's hanging in there, not getting any better really (I am a medical professional. Please don't tell me she's not going to get better. I know how this works. I also know people who have lived with this disease for a long time.) but, considering all, it is nothing short of AMAZING that she has been able to work as long as she has in her job as a school cafeteria worker. I think she would've liked to have been off work more, but at the same time, she didn't WANT to quit. But the time has come that she needs to quit her job. Hopefully, this will allow her to use her strength to feel better, instead of to get by. It is a tough time for her.

Rachel's job situation isn't good. Her hours have been cut. I hate this because we go to church with her boss, and Sunday is Easter, of course, so we will have to see her. But losing my job, though it seemed like the end of the world, has opened new doors for me, and maybe this change will do the same for Rachel.

I thought about saying something crazy, like publicly asking the church to donate money for Rachel's trip to Costa Rica because she was getting her hours cut...but I have more class than that. I am not going to be mean. Like I said, it wasn't bad for me in the long run, so it might be good for Rachel too. Besides, we've just about got this trip paid for anyway.

Longtime Channel 4 news anchor Dan Miller died this week. He's been a fixture in Nashville news. He will be missed, especially by his family. I understand he was a great dad.

Well, that's enough for now, I guess.