Tuesday, June 16, 2009
always something breaking us in two.
i broke my right hand 11 days ago. 17 more days to wear the cast. i am sick of it already. it is hot and miserable. tired of not being able to do things. hurts sometimes. broke it at new job. the "hold on to the patient's belt, it will keep them from falling on the treadmill" trick does not work. patient still fell and i have a broken hand to prove it. life is still busy. just wanted to check in. back in another 2 months, ha ha.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Who wants to go to Fire Lake?
I want to go to the lake. Only I want it to be warmer there than it is here.
I love Easter, but today I just didn't feel very good. My morning got off to a bad start. The sunrise service was sort of stressful. The cantata went all right. The dinner at Randy's mom's house was good. Dinner was good at Mom's too, but by that time I had eaten too much. I am tired of my thumb being in a protective sock while my cut heals. Everybody thought I was mad, but I really wasn't, when I wanted Rachel to take Randy's plate. I didn't want Mom to have to take it because I didn't want her to think Randy was too lazy to take his own.
Deep down I really wanted to have Easter here today. I knew it wouldn't happen because nobody wants to come out here. My house is too small (like Mom's isn't?), it's too far away (ok, I'll give them that - so I drive that far every week of my life) & it's got too many animals. Well, that is for sure. I am ready for a new house. I know, I am not going to get one. It really doesn't have to be big and fancy. It just needs to be a little bigger. I need a second back door. I need a lot of things.
I am tired. Later!
I love Easter, but today I just didn't feel very good. My morning got off to a bad start. The sunrise service was sort of stressful. The cantata went all right. The dinner at Randy's mom's house was good. Dinner was good at Mom's too, but by that time I had eaten too much. I am tired of my thumb being in a protective sock while my cut heals. Everybody thought I was mad, but I really wasn't, when I wanted Rachel to take Randy's plate. I didn't want Mom to have to take it because I didn't want her to think Randy was too lazy to take his own.
Deep down I really wanted to have Easter here today. I knew it wouldn't happen because nobody wants to come out here. My house is too small (like Mom's isn't?), it's too far away (ok, I'll give them that - so I drive that far every week of my life) & it's got too many animals. Well, that is for sure. I am ready for a new house. I know, I am not going to get one. It really doesn't have to be big and fancy. It just needs to be a little bigger. I need a second back door. I need a lot of things.
I am tired. Later!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Behind Closed Doors
I haven't blogged in awhile because...well, I just haven't made the time to write a lot lately. I started this post this morning. Then I re-thought the whole situation & now it's midnight - the next morning & I'm working on it again.
Life is busy, as usual.
This month I finally got an iPod & so far, the song I have played most has been "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich.
I liked this song when I was a kid. I wonder how much of it I understood, when I was six years old. Did I know what he meant when he said "She makes me glad that I'm a MAN!"? I wonder. But I knew it was something like "She's A Lady." I knew I wanted to be not just a woman, but a lady when I grew up.
I could go into all this, why this song in particular has been the one I've played over and over ad nauseum. And by the way, I always have one of those at any particular time in my life. A few months ago it was "Can't Fight This Feeling." Before that it was something else. My hair is longer now than it used to be, so sometimes I put it up...and behind closed doors, I let my hair hang down. But that's not why I like it. It might be what makes me think of it more often.
This made the fourth week I worked at the new place. I have liked it far more than I thought I would. I really didn't see that coming. I just realized I haven't written about that at all. Wow.
It has been wild. At first, when I was training, I cried a lot. I mean, a LOT. Then I actually did it on my own a few days, & I was OK with it. And after about a week, well, I was glad things happened the way they did. And after two weeks, I was sure it was for the best. I miss my old job. I loved it. But I like the new place too. I have a lot more autonomy and it is a lot closer to home. I may not be getting quite as good of a package, but it is nice to have more free time. I had a tough day today, but it wasn't awful. It was better than sitting at home wondering if Vanderbilt was ever going to call me back. Which they haven't.
It has been a tremendous change, going to a place where I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am making things better. I may not ever be appreciated for that by my employers, but, I think the patients appreciate it. And, just for that alone, I feel much more valuable. Just about every day, at least one patient - sometimes more than one - hugs me, or tells me they had a good experience. Some days I will see a patient I scanned a few days ago & they will say something nice about their test. I hope they are telling the doctors that too. I try to make the patients feel as good as some of them make me feel. So far, it seems to be working.
It has its moments. I cut my thumb open yesterday with a razor, getting ready to prep a man's chest. In my old job, that wouldn't have happened because (A) we had shavers with a different type of blade, though they were trying to replace them when I left, and (B) I didn't have to prep most of my patients...though I did prep some of them so it could've happened there, I guess. On the other hand, in my old job I mashed a finger & cut my hand on a collimator, so you can get hurt anywhere. I had to spend 20 minutes getting put back together, with patients waiting. But as always, it worked out.
The rest of my life has been interesting too. It seems to be going by in a frenzied rush...sort of like the tornadoes that seem to hit on a weekly basis in this area.
A few weeks ago Randy's fraternity was re-chartered at APSU & we got to see some of our old buddies from college. That made me do some thinking...as did a picture a friend put on Facebook...as did a chance encounter with an old acquaintance, & then a second chance encounter with that acquaintance a few days later. I remembered a lot of things from our younger days that I have missed a lot since we grew up & changed. For instance, I used to love going to functions when Randy worked at The Messenger. I don't know if I realized it at the time...I probably dreaded getting ready, I was probably nervous about going, but I have great, great memories of those dinners. And since he left there, he hasn't worked anywhere I got to do that kind of socializing. Once or twice a year we have dinners with Jostens people, and I do like those. But it is so rare.
When we were young, I used to like going to see Randy play because his band played clubs where a lot of people would go: college friends, family members, his co-workers, you name it. That fell by the wayside too. Now, if his bands play out, they're in biker bars, and I'm not really comfortable there. (Though the Bikers Who Care Christmas party I went to was great!) Most of the time his bands just get together & practice, then they sit around & play cards or watch a race or game or something. I am not a part of this scene. I spend most of my weekend nights here at the house doing nothing.
This has always been a source of friction for me & Randy. His friends are mostly single, or divorced...few have girlfriends. When they get girlfriends, the girls keep them out of that circle. I don't particularly want to hang out with single women on the weekends. It is nothing personal. I just feel like I'm the only one not looking for a date, or who has to get home to the kids. It makes me wonder if Randy's buddies are looking for dates too. (If they are truly at some guy's house playing cards, probably not.) If I weren't married to Randy, I wouldn't be out trolling in some bar looking for a date. I seriously don't think I would have to, but if I did, I'd rather go sit at Borders & read for my own personal pleasure! Or sing Karaoke at Talents!
Truth be told, I LIKED the hobnobbing. I liked being the lady who was leaving with Randy! I liked the feeling that he was proud to be seen out with me in places like that. I don't necessarily have to be the most beautiful woman there, or by any means the most important one. I just want to be there, & for Randy to be proud to have me there. For a long time, that has been missing. I used to think I looked too frumpy & it didn't matter. But now, I don't feel all that frumpy anymore & by golly, I want him to be proud to be with me. So stay tuned. We will see how this pans out.
Mom's hanging in there, not getting any better really (I am a medical professional. Please don't tell me she's not going to get better. I know how this works. I also know people who have lived with this disease for a long time.) but, considering all, it is nothing short of AMAZING that she has been able to work as long as she has in her job as a school cafeteria worker. I think she would've liked to have been off work more, but at the same time, she didn't WANT to quit. But the time has come that she needs to quit her job. Hopefully, this will allow her to use her strength to feel better, instead of to get by. It is a tough time for her.
Rachel's job situation isn't good. Her hours have been cut. I hate this because we go to church with her boss, and Sunday is Easter, of course, so we will have to see her. But losing my job, though it seemed like the end of the world, has opened new doors for me, and maybe this change will do the same for Rachel.
I thought about saying something crazy, like publicly asking the church to donate money for Rachel's trip to Costa Rica because she was getting her hours cut...but I have more class than that. I am not going to be mean. Like I said, it wasn't bad for me in the long run, so it might be good for Rachel too. Besides, we've just about got this trip paid for anyway.
Longtime Channel 4 news anchor Dan Miller died this week. He's been a fixture in Nashville news. He will be missed, especially by his family. I understand he was a great dad.
Well, that's enough for now, I guess.
Life is busy, as usual.
This month I finally got an iPod & so far, the song I have played most has been "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich.
I liked this song when I was a kid. I wonder how much of it I understood, when I was six years old. Did I know what he meant when he said "She makes me glad that I'm a MAN!"? I wonder. But I knew it was something like "She's A Lady." I knew I wanted to be not just a woman, but a lady when I grew up.
I could go into all this, why this song in particular has been the one I've played over and over ad nauseum. And by the way, I always have one of those at any particular time in my life. A few months ago it was "Can't Fight This Feeling." Before that it was something else. My hair is longer now than it used to be, so sometimes I put it up...and behind closed doors, I let my hair hang down. But that's not why I like it. It might be what makes me think of it more often.
This made the fourth week I worked at the new place. I have liked it far more than I thought I would. I really didn't see that coming. I just realized I haven't written about that at all. Wow.
It has been wild. At first, when I was training, I cried a lot. I mean, a LOT. Then I actually did it on my own a few days, & I was OK with it. And after about a week, well, I was glad things happened the way they did. And after two weeks, I was sure it was for the best. I miss my old job. I loved it. But I like the new place too. I have a lot more autonomy and it is a lot closer to home. I may not be getting quite as good of a package, but it is nice to have more free time. I had a tough day today, but it wasn't awful. It was better than sitting at home wondering if Vanderbilt was ever going to call me back. Which they haven't.
It has been a tremendous change, going to a place where I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am making things better. I may not ever be appreciated for that by my employers, but, I think the patients appreciate it. And, just for that alone, I feel much more valuable. Just about every day, at least one patient - sometimes more than one - hugs me, or tells me they had a good experience. Some days I will see a patient I scanned a few days ago & they will say something nice about their test. I hope they are telling the doctors that too. I try to make the patients feel as good as some of them make me feel. So far, it seems to be working.
It has its moments. I cut my thumb open yesterday with a razor, getting ready to prep a man's chest. In my old job, that wouldn't have happened because (A) we had shavers with a different type of blade, though they were trying to replace them when I left, and (B) I didn't have to prep most of my patients...though I did prep some of them so it could've happened there, I guess. On the other hand, in my old job I mashed a finger & cut my hand on a collimator, so you can get hurt anywhere. I had to spend 20 minutes getting put back together, with patients waiting. But as always, it worked out.
The rest of my life has been interesting too. It seems to be going by in a frenzied rush...sort of like the tornadoes that seem to hit on a weekly basis in this area.
A few weeks ago Randy's fraternity was re-chartered at APSU & we got to see some of our old buddies from college. That made me do some thinking...as did a picture a friend put on Facebook...as did a chance encounter with an old acquaintance, & then a second chance encounter with that acquaintance a few days later. I remembered a lot of things from our younger days that I have missed a lot since we grew up & changed. For instance, I used to love going to functions when Randy worked at The Messenger. I don't know if I realized it at the time...I probably dreaded getting ready, I was probably nervous about going, but I have great, great memories of those dinners. And since he left there, he hasn't worked anywhere I got to do that kind of socializing. Once or twice a year we have dinners with Jostens people, and I do like those. But it is so rare.
When we were young, I used to like going to see Randy play because his band played clubs where a lot of people would go: college friends, family members, his co-workers, you name it. That fell by the wayside too. Now, if his bands play out, they're in biker bars, and I'm not really comfortable there. (Though the Bikers Who Care Christmas party I went to was great!) Most of the time his bands just get together & practice, then they sit around & play cards or watch a race or game or something. I am not a part of this scene. I spend most of my weekend nights here at the house doing nothing.
This has always been a source of friction for me & Randy. His friends are mostly single, or divorced...few have girlfriends. When they get girlfriends, the girls keep them out of that circle. I don't particularly want to hang out with single women on the weekends. It is nothing personal. I just feel like I'm the only one not looking for a date, or who has to get home to the kids. It makes me wonder if Randy's buddies are looking for dates too. (If they are truly at some guy's house playing cards, probably not.) If I weren't married to Randy, I wouldn't be out trolling in some bar looking for a date. I seriously don't think I would have to, but if I did, I'd rather go sit at Borders & read for my own personal pleasure! Or sing Karaoke at Talents!
Truth be told, I LIKED the hobnobbing. I liked being the lady who was leaving with Randy! I liked the feeling that he was proud to be seen out with me in places like that. I don't necessarily have to be the most beautiful woman there, or by any means the most important one. I just want to be there, & for Randy to be proud to have me there. For a long time, that has been missing. I used to think I looked too frumpy & it didn't matter. But now, I don't feel all that frumpy anymore & by golly, I want him to be proud to be with me. So stay tuned. We will see how this pans out.
Mom's hanging in there, not getting any better really (I am a medical professional. Please don't tell me she's not going to get better. I know how this works. I also know people who have lived with this disease for a long time.) but, considering all, it is nothing short of AMAZING that she has been able to work as long as she has in her job as a school cafeteria worker. I think she would've liked to have been off work more, but at the same time, she didn't WANT to quit. But the time has come that she needs to quit her job. Hopefully, this will allow her to use her strength to feel better, instead of to get by. It is a tough time for her.
Rachel's job situation isn't good. Her hours have been cut. I hate this because we go to church with her boss, and Sunday is Easter, of course, so we will have to see her. But losing my job, though it seemed like the end of the world, has opened new doors for me, and maybe this change will do the same for Rachel.
I thought about saying something crazy, like publicly asking the church to donate money for Rachel's trip to Costa Rica because she was getting her hours cut...but I have more class than that. I am not going to be mean. Like I said, it wasn't bad for me in the long run, so it might be good for Rachel too. Besides, we've just about got this trip paid for anyway.
Longtime Channel 4 news anchor Dan Miller died this week. He's been a fixture in Nashville news. He will be missed, especially by his family. I understand he was a great dad.
Well, that's enough for now, I guess.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Oooh, dream weaver...
Splain this one.
Early in the morning last Friday, the day I lost my job, I had a crazy dream.
I was standing at the corner just down the road, where my road meets the main highway, where kids wait for the bus. Well, I looked toward Nashville (where my old job is) & saw this white and black spotted pit bull running toward Clarksville, going just as fast as he could. This dog looked healthy and fit. He didn't look at anything around him, didn't stop to sniff people or road kill or anything, just ran as fast as he could.
He didn't even stop to sniff the other dog, the black, healthy looking pit bull that was running just as fast as he could from Clarksville to Nashville. Neither did that dog stop to sniff either the other dog or the human (me). He just ran as fast as he could!
If I ever have that dream again, I am going back to bed.
Earlier in the week I had dreamed about Granny Adcock. In that dream she was older than she was when she died - it was sort of like what she might've looked like had she lived a little longer. I saw myself in her. I used to be so sad when I dreamed about her, because they always reminded me that she was gone. Now I kind of like it - it's kind of like she's still here.
Early in the morning last Friday, the day I lost my job, I had a crazy dream.
I was standing at the corner just down the road, where my road meets the main highway, where kids wait for the bus. Well, I looked toward Nashville (where my old job is) & saw this white and black spotted pit bull running toward Clarksville, going just as fast as he could. This dog looked healthy and fit. He didn't look at anything around him, didn't stop to sniff people or road kill or anything, just ran as fast as he could.
He didn't even stop to sniff the other dog, the black, healthy looking pit bull that was running just as fast as he could from Clarksville to Nashville. Neither did that dog stop to sniff either the other dog or the human (me). He just ran as fast as he could!
If I ever have that dream again, I am going back to bed.
Earlier in the week I had dreamed about Granny Adcock. In that dream she was older than she was when she died - it was sort of like what she might've looked like had she lived a little longer. I saw myself in her. I used to be so sad when I dreamed about her, because they always reminded me that she was gone. Now I kind of like it - it's kind of like she's still here.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
it's just emotion that's taken me over
Today I am just overwhelmed, filled with emotions. I think Barry Gibb wrote this song:
Some are good. Some are bad.
I feel disappointed that I could have to start all over working toward the five year mark to get the hospital's tuition benefit for my kids, and I might have to completely give that up.
That makes me angry. Yes, I made financial mistakes when I was younger but this job was "supposed" to be my "redemption."
I feel sad that I have to tell my 16-year-old daughter that our last hope for getting her through college just dried up. She just got the disappointing news that she didn't get into the summer program she was hoping would land her a good scholarship. Now, not only will she miss out on the two years of tuition assistance I thought I'd get, my income is dropping, even if they call me back.
I feel scared facing the future with such a shaky financial structure. What will I have to give up?
I feel relieved to know it's me. The waiting is over.
I feel excited that I COULD find something I would like better.
I feel bitter that I might have to start taking call again, while people who haven't taken call in 15 years won't. I've paid my dues. Two or three times, compared to some people.
I feel a little giddy that I'm going to get some paid vacation time (aka "severance pay") out of this.
I feel guilty that I feel any joy in this.
I feel a lot of things. But those are the recurring themes.
I just wanted to write that down. I needed to get it out of my system.
In the words of a broken heart, it's just emotion that's taken me
over, tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul.
Some are good. Some are bad.
I feel disappointed that I could have to start all over working toward the five year mark to get the hospital's tuition benefit for my kids, and I might have to completely give that up.
That makes me angry. Yes, I made financial mistakes when I was younger but this job was "supposed" to be my "redemption."
I feel sad that I have to tell my 16-year-old daughter that our last hope for getting her through college just dried up. She just got the disappointing news that she didn't get into the summer program she was hoping would land her a good scholarship. Now, not only will she miss out on the two years of tuition assistance I thought I'd get, my income is dropping, even if they call me back.
I feel scared facing the future with such a shaky financial structure. What will I have to give up?
I feel relieved to know it's me. The waiting is over.
I feel excited that I COULD find something I would like better.
I feel bitter that I might have to start taking call again, while people who haven't taken call in 15 years won't. I've paid my dues. Two or three times, compared to some people.
I feel a little giddy that I'm going to get some paid vacation time (aka "severance pay") out of this.
I feel guilty that I feel any joy in this.
I feel a lot of things. But those are the recurring themes.
I just wanted to write that down. I needed to get it out of my system.
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