Loving a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be...

Well, you can say that again.  I'm still waiting for my tour bus and swimming pool. Hahaha!  I can't really complain, though.  He's a good husband and he's bringing home dinner!!!  Also, our band is playing this weekend... but more about that later.

So I have a lot of big plans for my writing and webpages. I know, I say that about once a year, but maybe God is trying to tell me something. 

For one thing, I'm not getting a lot of work hours right now, and this was supposed to be one of my busy times.  In February, I had 21.5 weekdays scheduled to work in March. By March 1, two days had already been canceled. On March 3, a tech called about her upcoming some surgery, which will put her out 8 weeks. She works 4 days a week. Of course, I have some days I'm scheduled to go other places. I can only be one place at a time, but the lead tech knows this, and I'm sure they'll work out the details when it gets a little closer.

On March 6, I learned that I wouldn't be needed on the 7th as well as the 12th through the 15th.  They also cancelled 4 more weeks scattered through the rest of the year at that location. On the 7th, I learned they could not use me on the 8th.  I called the CPR office and was able to pick up a few days there. That day, the surgery date was set for the above-mentioned tech, so I was able to make some plans, which included two days of teaching CPR, including the 13th and 14th. Naturally, as soon as I did that, a coworker asked if I could work on the 14th, so I canceled that day too.  A few hours later, the lead tech asked if I could work on the 13th. I told her that I had just canceled 3 CPR days and I need CPR to keep the wolf from the door during the slow times, but I'd work in the morning if she needed me to, and she took me up on that.  So, I ended up working a half a day on the 13th, then rushing over to teach CPR. On my way home, I got a text message saying that they did not need me on the 14th after all. Unfortunately, they didn't need me to teach CPR by then either.  Last night they called me in to work today, where I learned that I am no longer needed Wednesday through Friday. So I was planning to work 21.5 days and I'll end up with 13.5, unless something changes.

And so it goes.

Besides that, I've been inspired to do a lot more writing. A few months ago, I started subscribing to a website called newspapers.com.  I'd heard of it before, when I was teaching, but I didn't subscribe because I didn't think I could get my money's worth out of it.  In one of my "fact-finding missions" I do researching sometimes, I discovered an article on the site and it suddenly dawned on me... I could use it to help me with Hee Haw, country music history, Frank Sutton history, Ridgetop history, and the list goes on.  We're playing this coming Saturday night, the 25th, in Dickson, TN, at the VFW.  I don't know the time, I would guess 8:00 pm, but I will try to get that updated ASAP.  I also want to get the Brewer's Chapel page updated. In the next few months we will be getting a new pastor. This is pretty standard procedure, Methodists switch out pastors every few years and our pastor's getting ready to retire. He has had some health issues in the past, but this past year has been particularly hard on him. I am not sure what to expect from our new pastor, but we have had this website for a long time that I haven't been updating, and I think if we want more younger people involved in the church, a strong web presence would be a good thing... and that includes getting control of the Brewer's Chapel Facebook page.  A former pastor started it, which is cool, but since he's somewhere else, we need to get that.  I don't mind updating it, either, as long as I don't have to tweet!

Those two things alone would be plenty of writing, but the Hee Haw page needs some serious updating too.  One of those days off this week I will go to Springfield, to the library to do some research, and to take some pictures of the Royal Inn before it gets torn down. Now, it may be years before they tear the place down, but it could be tomorrow!  There is a man named James Lileks, a writer and reporter in Minneapolis who has a website with motel postcards, etc. Really, he has a veritable treasure trove of modern American history.  I need to send him a picture of the Royal Inn if I can get one before they tear it down, since he has one from there.  Maybe I can send him a link to that pic on the FB "You Know You're From Springfield, TN if..." page, too.  I'm sure Bill Jones would enjoy Lileks' webpage.  It'd also be good if I can get it on my Royalty page too. 

So I have a lot of exciting ideas for my webpages. Another idea I'm considering is oral history type stuff, or interviews with older folks.  I think there are organizations like libraries that have organized programs for this, so I'll have to check into it.  Another oral history idea I have is doing people's memories it Brewers Chapel in a online type thing, maybe on the web page.

But if you will, bear with me a couple of weeks because I'm scheduled to take the MRI registry exam on Friday, March 31. I will be doing a lot of studying for that in the next couple weeks. After that, I plan to be writing a lot.  Of course, if I'm working in MRI a lot at that time, then I won't really have a lot of time to work on writing then either, but I'm pretty motivated right now. I've discovered that I can dictate while I'm driving.  I can set up the phone and the iPad both to record my dictation, and I can also use the voice recognition to record on the other one so I can put them together when I get home.  That's what I've done today. It's taken me some time, but I still have several hours before I have to go to bed, so I can study after dinner.

Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one...

I'd planned to use this post to document my progress on the "40 bags in 40 days" project for Lent.  You know, 40 bags of decluttering... however, I've been working a lot!  I didn't do any decluttering on Ash Wednesday because I went to Randy's mom's house for dinner, but I DID clean up Sonny's bathroom and that WAS one bag of trash.

On Day 2 of Lent I cleaned off the bathroom counter.  Photos to come later.  Three bags resulted from that - one trash bag and two smaller gift bags, one for each child.

I went back to work after all the snow on Friday, and then worked in home health Friday night.  I worked Saturday morning and evening, and in between I went to Nashville and took back the rental car and finally got my car back, went to eat with Randy, his mom, his sister and her friend, and went to the karaoke pizza place.  Today I worked in the morning, napped awhile in the afternoon, and have been lazy, watching TV and playing online since.  So I guess I'm three days behind, because I really shouldn't count all three bags from Thursday.

Well... that's all I've got to say about that, so far.  More later...

Someday, lady, you'll accomp'ny me

I could've sworn I used this post title before... but I couldn't find it.  Doesn't matter.  I have had this song in my mind the last few days, and then I got "Roll Me Away," because it, too, was in my head.  I didn't really understand the feeling of wanting to just go back then, when those songs came out.  Now I do.  I wish I could've driven off and kept driving during my spring break.  It's OK though.  I did some different things last week after I got my medical stuff out of the way.  I had a fairly normal ultrasound, a cavity filled, blood work that I still haven't heard about... and then I moved a bunch of furniture from Mom's house and moved some out of here.  I rented a booth at an antique mall and a storage bin in Pleasant View.  Life is pretty good, I think.  I hope I feel the same way tomorrow after school.

'Cause we live in a time when meaning falls in splinters from our lives

Today has been a hard day.

It has been a month now, and I can't say it makes sense yet.  I feel terrible, like somehow I let her down by not being able to keep her alive.  She wanted to live, so badly.  And yet I know that she wouldn't want to come back now.  She suffered so much.  I think she just got so tired.

I miss her.  I wish I could have kept her with me for the rest of my life, but only if she was healthy and enjoying life, and not having to go through all that chemo and radiation.  I thought about that occasionally, like what if we were out on a Sunday afternoon and had an accident and went together?  But that's not the way it happened and for the family's sake, I know that's a good thing. 

This experience has changed me and I'm not sure I like the way I have turned out, but I have learned a lot about myself in the past month.

I know that life is short.  I have spent too much time playing cards and looking at silly blogs and tumblrs.  I am going to use my spring break a little more wisely than I have in the past.  I am going to declutter my house 15 minutes at a time.  Yes, that's a FlyLady concept but please don't put me on the email list!  I have to declutter my emails!!!  :D

I know that life is short and we should do things we want to do and things we think will make a difference in the world, even if the difference seems small.  I have searched my heart and my soul to figure out if I am headed in the right direction.

I have had to face some of my past, not that I have a lot of regrets, but I think we should learn from our past, and one mistake I have made over and over and over again is that I seem to never be happy.  Is that why I can't get a nuclear medicine job in Nashville, because I have the reputation for never being content where I am?  I know that's why I have such a dirty house, because I was never happy living here.  I wanted to live in Ridgetop.  Now, I don't have much reason to.  Mom's gone, Grandaddy's gone, and Randy works 40 miles from there.  This house is 17.5 miles from his work and 18.5 miles from mine... and I only work 10 months out of the year. 

I like my car, though.

I may not always like teaching but I like my classroom.  I could improve it, but I like it.

It's late and I have an appointment early.  It may not ever make sense, but maybe I can be at peace with that.

Come on sugar, let me know!

Not really... the other day I thought, "Do ya think I'm sexy" would be a cool title for a blog entry... but next thing you know I'd be getting responses of naked people.  So I just put those words in the blog itself, and I'll take my chances.

Actually I have nothing sexy at all to tell in this post.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for many things in my life.  The $54 it cost to get Derek's car fixed - really thankful for that!  Praise God and thanks to Auto Service of Pleasant View.

Going to my brother's house for the big day tomorrow and may go to Dad's for awhile too.

A few weeks ago I got the urge - the quite sudden urge - to start working with pottery.  It was like I suddenly wanted to work with a pottery wheel.  I did some molding with clay, and I enjoyed that to some extent, but there aren't many real pottery classes around here.  So one day I thought I'd go to Hobby Lobby and see what kind of craft supplies they had and suddenly, I didn't want to do that anymore.  I decided to get back into crocheting.  I'm glad I did.  I am enjoying it even though all I've done so far is make a "bootie" for myself.  My feet get cold easily and then they hurt, but they hurt really bad if I wear socks!  So I'm making "booties" to wear around the house.  I may even line them with memory foam because they would then be a little more supportive for my arches and then the yarn wouldn't hurt my feet either.  (I have plenty of room in this first one I made.)

you might think I'm delirious...

Oh, it was back in the day.  Way, way back in the day... a lot of water's gone under the bridge since then - the Prince Green bridge, or its predecessor, which I hit in my big old land barge Catalina - and I am reliving it tonight on Facebook.  I heard this song the other day and I would've posted on Tim Horn's wall how this reminded me of going to Ridgecrest, but I had posted a link to "PYT" on Tim's wall the day before and God knows I don't need anybody thinking I'm fooling around with somebody because I posted songs from 1984 on their Facebook wall.

I normally don't like to think about 1984 much, and especially not this time of the year and now, my baby is starting HIS senior year and I know exactly how many years it's been (do the math!  there's a teacher answer for you).  But for some reason, this year has mellowed my memory of 1984 and I can deal with the ugly memories... most of them anyway.  The ones I don't like to remember are the ugly ones caused by me.  The other not-so-pretty memories, well, they are what they are and at least I still have them.

Summer's about over for me.  We had open house at school tonight.  Down here in the extremely hot South we send our kids back to school in the heat of August so we can spend a ton of money on air conditioning (and believe you me, we need our air conditioning in our schools without windows).  It gets earlier and earlier too, although I will say that the August 7 start date is a few days later than the August 4 start date we had my first year in our neighboring county to the east-northeast.  Usually, we get out in mid- to late- May and that makes coming in from bus duty soaked with sweat a little more worthwhile.

Every year I say I'm going to be a little tougher than I was the year before, and every year I end up being a pushover.  I don't want to be meaner than I ought to be, but I don't want to be a pushover, either.  I'm praying and honestly, at the moment, I feel like I'll be all right.  I know I can make it.  I know I can handle it.

I do know that one thing I need to do, in order to make it, is to go to bed and get some well-deserved rest.

The long and winding road

that leads to McMinnville...that's where Randy and I went today. We had a blast. I really enjoyed hanging out with him today and I think he enjoyed being with me too. He played a bunch of Elvis on his iPod. We went to get airbags for Rachel's CRV. We ate at a little place called Wilma Jean's Kitchen. YUM. It was awesome! Fried fish, potato bites, and some of the best white beans ever. Oh, yes, and cornbread. We topped that off with pie. I had chess pie like my granny used to make and Randy had chocolate cream pie. We shared our desserts, but I preferred the chess.

I know, I don't need all that fattening, sweet stuff, but I sure enjoyed it. Generally when we eat like that we don't do supper, maybe sandwiches or something. I haven't even been hungry and it's 9 pm.

After all that driving, though, it was good to get home. Took us about all day!!!

But time makes you bolder, children get older, I'm getting older too

I haven't blogged lately, because although I've been busy, I haven't had anything profound to say. Now that Spring Break has arrived, here are some updates on the family.

The boy is now 16 and has his driver's license. I thought I was going to lose my mind...just knew he'd get himself or someone else killed the first time he pulled the Grand Prix out of the driveway...but a month of driving has been pretty uneventful. Unlike when his sister started driving, jobs for teens aren't aplenty around here, but we think he might get a decent summer job (if gas prices don't crash the economy again). They're about to crash OUR economy here in the CCRS household.

The girl is loving Lipscomb and social club (read: sorority) life. She has a date for the formal next month, and they seem to be enjoying one another's company. She, too, is on Spring Break, but right now she's sleeping in her room, and he's on a mission trip with one of our cousins. She's planning to go on a mission trip in June.

The CCRS (man of the house) is doing all right. It's his busy time of the year, so he's NOT on Spring Break with the rest of us. He's getting quite a lot of playing time these days, which is probably good because it helps him blow off steam, but sometimes I wonder if it doesn't just make his stress level increase because it's quite time consuming and really messes with his sleep schedule. Of course I know nothing so I don't bring this up.

I'm doing much better. Though the neuropathy is bugging me at the moment, overall it bothers me a lot less lately than it has in the last few months. I'm taking new meds & they've been a real answer to prayer. School's been going all right, though I'm struggling with feeling like I am boring & don't make exciting, engaging, thought-provoking lessons. As I type this, I feel a little stressed just thinking about it. I may be a tiny bit better at showing my backbone these days, but I have a ways to go. I struggle with what God wants from me. I want to do what God wants me to do, but sometimes, I wonder just what that is. I'm taking the Lay Speaker Course next month. I don't see myself becoming a pastor (PLEASE don't get me started on that) but someone suggested I take it since I DO sing in other churches and it might help with giving testimony and things like that. I think I get plenty of public speaking experience.

We've unfortunately filled this week with medical appointments; today D & I go to the optometrist, Thursday he goes to the orthodontist, and Friday I go to the doctor for a follow-up on all the lovely health conditions that seem to enjoy hanging out in my body. That's all right. I'd rather go on vacation when I have a week to clean house prior and a week to relax afterward - I guess I was meant to be a teacher after all. Yesterday I sang at the nursing home again. I always love that.

when am i going to learn

to bring headphones on car trips

Time for a cool change

I just realized, I had not posted on my blog in so long, I didn't write about changing jobs! I teach in Springfield now...much closer to home.

you can count on me...

I am thinking about using my journal to write a book about my first year in the classroom. I tried to come up with song lyrics that summed up each month last school year. In August, the title would have been, "A Change is Gonna Come." In September I was still overwhelmed and in the honeymoon stage. I picked "Dancin' in the Moonlight" for that one. October brought the end of the honeymoon phase and "The Thrill is Gone." In November, "There's a New Kid in Town" reflected the changes when Sarah came. I picked "Like a Rock" for December, with my strong resolve when Granddaddy passed. January was another story, with "Hopelessly Devoted to You." ("If I Can't Have You" would've been good too.) February, I chose "Rollercoaster" to describe the emotional upheaval in my house, and in March, "With a Little Luck" seemed to sum up my optimism. In April, I chose this song..."Count on Me" by Jefferson Starship. It was a song that reminded me of those happy moments in 1978, and the words of the title seemed to echo my sentiment for Glencliff as the job possibilities at other places came and went. (But more on that later.) With the flood on May 1, picking a song for that month was easy - "Have You Ever Seen the Rain?"

As school ended, I thought I had made up my mind to stay at Glencliff. Then, I heard there would probably be a position at Sycamore. I applied. The next day the county posted on their website that they're looking for health science teachers but specifically put, "Must have RN license." In other words, "we got your resume, health science teacher without an RN license, but we want you and everyone else to know, we're only interested if you're a nurse, because one of these days we're going to offer the ONE course the state of TN requires to be taught by an RN. We haven't yet but we will." I wrote ugly things about this in my journal, but, que sera sera.

Well, that's all I have to say about that.

There were openings in Montgomery County, all gone now. One was taken by a teacher who left and went to Ft. Campbell. She tried to recruit me for Ft. Campbell and now she's going back to teaching. Ft. Campbell never called, by the way, and I wasn't all that fired up about going back to nucs so soon anyway. The money would be nice, though. One was taken by a teacher from Robertson County, which never posted that opening. I wonder if they were going to downsize anyway? There WAS an opening in Robertson County but it was as far from here as Glencliff is, and taking on two schools. I thought about it, but was kind of waiting for some other stuff to happen at the time, so I didn't apply. Had it been closer to home, I'd have been more interested.

So, at this point I think it's safe to say I'm going back to the Cliff next year, and I'm actually very happy about it. I have a new classroom and two of the three preps I had last year, with one added that I don't know much about but I'm excited to have. I have plans for HOSA and I think it will be a good year.

I hope my health will cooperate. Since school's been out, I've had an ear infection, stomach troubles, and a heel spur...plus, I'm waiting for the results of some lab work that could be life-changing. We shall see what this brings. I had really hoped to get into shape this summer but between a sore foot, giving up my Y membership because of money, and the extreme heat for this point in the year, I have just not been able to get anywhere. Still, I am LOVING the summer. It is GREAT to have days off.

Derek's mowing at Me-maw's today & Rachel's helping at a camp. Randy was off last week but had to go back today. I'm going to do some homework for my two summer courses now. Later, I'll do a little planning for the school year, and later, go to class. Summer is great.

If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby

This song said it all in 1979.

I was 12 years old and madly, crazy in love with Tracey Evetts. He was two years older than me and I thought he was the most beautiful creature God put on this earth. He played baseball for my dad and he left his glove in the truck at the end of the season. I slept with it under my pillow for a year.

He had a blue bike and I had a red one. Our grandparents lived in the same neighborhood (and had for 75 years). From Tracey, I learned how to play "Galaga" because that game was at the grocery store. He knew I existed, but I'm sure he just thought I was a silly little girl.

In 7th grade, we had this unspoken agreement. When he got on the bus at the high school, he knew he had a seat next to me. I don't remember telling people not to sit there, but I must have let it be known that was his seat. He was a pest. I loved it, but I never let on. I still sort of liked him then, but by then, I was spending a lot of time on the phone with one of his buddies. As teenage "love" goes, his buddy thought I was a silly little girl, and had a crush on another girl.

In 9th grade I fell for him all over again. I don't really remember what went right, or what went wrong that time. I do remember Mom telling me she didn't know why I kept fooling with him, that he didn't care a thing about me, and that I could find someone who DID care about me. Tracey fell in love with another girl, and eventually they got married. Meanwhile, I dated several people, some who cared a lot, and others who really didn't. Most of them didn't pass muster with the parents either. I wondered if they ever thought they'd have been better off if I'd held out for Tracey. (Truthfully, looking back, I know my mom didn't. Don't know how Daddy felt though.)

A few years later, I got married too. One day we happened to be staying in the same place, with relatives at the lake, and he told me how impressed he was at what I was doing. It was nice.

Our lives went different ways. He got divorced. At that time, Randy and I were in Madisonville, having a baby. Randy and I hit a rough patch a little later, around the time we moved back to Tennessee. By then, he was married again, and they were having a baby. I only saw him once in all those years after that. He didn't quite look like the cute little boy who rode the blue bicycle...but then, I didn't look the same either. I couldn't hold that against him. He signed my guestbook on Classmates about 18 months ago. I thought that was nice.

All through these years I have loved those same songs I liked in 1978 and 1979. It was the music I loved when I was 12 years old, when life was fun, when I believed I would grow up to be pretty, and successful, and have everything I dreamed I would have. Good memories.

I loved living in my hometown. It's a good place. I live about 30 minutes from there now. You can live in town and walk to the store, or to school, or to the Post Office. You don't have to drive 5 miles to get a gallon of milk. If you do drive 5 or 6 miles, you can sit down and eat at any kind of restaurant or shop at any kind of store. (Of course, you only have to drive 10 miles for that here.) The best thing about it was that all my family was/is right there. I have often told people I miss those days when my parents and their friends would get together, and how the best times of my childhood were those neighborhood 4th of July parties and gatherings. Some people there still have those kind of get-togethers with their school buddies. I didn't know this until recently. I learned this when he died a little over 2 weeks ago.

I learned this on Facebook. It may sound superstitious, but I'll never check my Facebook during lunch on an "A" day again. It's a school thing - we have classes on alternating days. On A days my planning period is 1st; on B days it's last period. So...I have to plan for B days at the end of A days. I checked Facebook at lunch, didn't have a planning period afterward, left, distraught, at the end of the day and came in at the beginning of the next week on a B day for which I hadn't planned properly. No. I'll never do it again. I depend too much on my ability to plan for the next day, and I can't take a chance on being devastated at the end of the day.

It made me sad for his wife and his daughter. It made me thankful to have my sweet Randy. It made me feel old to think it has been that long - 30 years - since we rode the bus and he hit me with the two big nails he soldered together. It made me feel strange to realize that what I am now is all because of those days and the things I did then. It made me feel empty to think of all that I have missed living here, where I have nothing in common with my neighbors and my family's 30 minutes away and my kids don't go to school with the children of my classmates.

I have spent too much time on the computer when I should have been doing things with people. A lot of those times I was here because Randy was doing his own thing, either playing cards or playing music, and the kids were too little to leave alone, and I didn't have the money to pay someone to watch them while I did my own thing. Now they are bigger, and they don't need me as much as they did then. Rachel will be in college this time next year.

I've had a great life not living in Ridgetop. I've made a lot of friends over the years. I still see people from Ridgetop a lot. I get home often. (Probably not often enough!) In some ways, though, I've missed out on a lot.

This year has been particularly hard because it takes me 30 or more hours a week to prepare for the 40 I spend teaching, and after you count the 10 hours a week I spend commuting and the 10 I spend eating breakfast, showering, reading the paper, checking email, etc. every week, and the 56 I should spend sleeping, that only leaves 22 hours a week to do everything else. That sounds like a lot until you think of what all has to be done. Church is 2 or more hours a week. (I'm glad I became a Methodist! If I were still Baptist that would be more like 5 or 6 hours.) Going to Mom's takes 30 minutes each way, so if I visit for 2 hours, that's 3 hours total. That leaves 17 hours, divided over 7 days...meaning, I only have about 2.5 hours a day to relax and that's not really accurate because I have to do things like go to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. I'd like to work out more often, but that's 30 minutes each way travel time and 30 minutes of exercise. And, of course, I spend about an hour of my day on Facebook, but I do get a little social interaction out of that. It's no wonder I feel isolated, though.

I didn't make new year's resolutions this year. Today, though, Feb. 1, I am making new month's resolutions. In my journal, sometime around Jan. 1, I wrote that I need to be happy with the life I have. I do intend to do that. I also intend to start spending more time with my friends while I can.

how I wish, how I wish you were here...

One of my students plays that on his guitar just about every morning. That's right, I said My Students. I got a teaching job, left the doctor's office behind, and now I get up every morning and leave before daylight and get to work 35 minutes later...at about 6:30 every day. I get off work at 2:15 but usually work until bedtime, not always there, but sometimes I am there until time to pick up the D from football practice.

Life is sort of hard right now. I don't have time to update web pages...unless I am creating a webpage for my students to see what they've missed when they were out, and dang if there aren't four or five of those every day. In this really strange and hard-to-explain way, though, I really like it. I get aggravated from time to time but I do like my students. I think they like me. Some days they may not like me, but overall it goes pretty well. Was I born to do this? I don't know. I do know I wish I had done this a long time ago. I think when I was 22 I would have taken to it rather well. Is this why I never found a nuc job that made me happy? I don't know. I do know that if I'd been stayed at any one of several of them, I would have been there instead of at Vandy and I wouldn't have been laid off, and I wouldn't have been ready for a career change, or if I had been, I would have been afraid to make that change.

I believe I am where God wants me to be.

I can't convince my mother of that. She is terrified. I know she didn't worry so much when I worked at hospitals where I got called in at all hours and had to walk through dark parking garages and scary hallways, where I would have to be in the only car on the interstate amongst all those 18-wheelers, sometimes making two or even three 30-mile-one-way treks per night, then get up and do it all again the next day. She was probably blissfully unaware that I walked in danger then, when I would be all alone in a nuclear medicine or ultrasound department, just me with a patient. Some of those rooms didn't have emergency call buttons or if they did, they'd be ringing at some empty desk if pulled in the middle of the night. I worried back then. Would the patient fall while I was in the other room getting his dose? Or would he jump me and leave me in the cold, empty department to die? Would I hurt myself trying to move him with no help because my dose would expire before help came? Would I have to walk to the other hospital, outside in the dark or through those dark, scary hallways, trying to get the films to the radiologist? Then possibly have to take more pictures?

So far, school is much less scary.

I do sometimes look at my teaching friends who don't have to drive 35 miles to work, or who teach at their kids' schools or who teach at schools closer to home, or where I grew up, and I think, surely it would it have been easier there. But would it really? My tires might have been slashed after my son's team beat their school's team in football. My kids would be mortified if I told stories on them at their school.

It is hard work. I have no free time. I should be working on my lesson plan for tomorrow right now. No, really I should have already done it. But, I was looking at Blogger thinking this might be a good way for me to help those kids who come in every week, already behind, needing to know what they need to do to catch up. I am going to make that blog a little more private than this one, but, I think it'll be here on Blogger after all. Anyway, say a prayer for me and for Mom too, will ya? She needs all our prayers and please, ask God to comfort her about me too. I think I'm going to be all right.

How does it feel? To be on your own, Like a rolling stone

I guess I'm a rolling stone now. I lost my job yesterday.

If you read my last post, you know. Numbers were down. It was a case of the candle burning at both ends. On one side, we had my employer expanding & sending doctors to outlying areas - then the patients opted to have their tests at their home hospital instead of driving to the main campus. (Economic reasons? High gas? Probably.) On the other side, the economy was just flat out knocking down our numbers. Healthcare may be recession-proof, but diagnostic imaging is not. People can't afford to come have an expensive test if they don't have insurance. People can't afford their 10% if they DO have insurance.

I make good money, but if you subtract the cost of the medicines themselves & the supplies, one test would still pay my salary for five weeks. I don't know how much the machines cost per test. But if one machine lasts for ten years (and that's probably close to average), and if they cost twice what they did 15 years ago, then they'd only need to do two tests a month to pay for it. I figure if my house costs $300 a month to keep it heated & cooled & watered & hooked up to the phone (and it really doesn't cost that much), one test ought to pay for lights & water for one scan room for two years. I know all these things add up, & I know I don't know everything about running a hospital, but I think what they've been making from my work area in the course of a month minus the salaries, the benefits, the medicines, the estimated cost of a month of using the machine and the utitlities equals 1 million dollars. I know they don't get the full price for every test either. It's much more complicated than all that. It is just that - it is complicated.

That's my ranting. I won't go into the politics of who got what or whose fault it is or any of that. It is possible that I could be offered another job through Vanderbilt. It is hard to say. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know when, really. I go back Monday, & then we take it day by day, I guess, until the paperwork is completed. Then I get paid for awhile afterwards, then...we will see if the other job is open. I don't have to make up my mind right away about what I'm going to do, but a lot of this wasn't my choice. I didn't do it my way this time.

It is a strange feeling to look across the table at the person who hired you, who was someone you trained back in the day, telling you that your services are no longer needed. It is strange to think, I changed my whole life for this, to drive 35 miles one way to work so that my kids could have assistance going to college, & then find out, I may have to start all over. I have to work there full time for 5 years to get that benefit. When I started my kids were 15 and 12. Five years would've put the benefit going into effect at ages 20 and 17. I could've gotten the benefit for half of Rachel's college, all of Derek's. Now, if all I can get is part-time in three months, and if indeed it does become full-time again in six, and I have to start over the kids will be 17 and 14. Five years would put it completely out of Rachel's range, and cut off a year out of Derek's. And that's provided I get full-time that soon.

Randy said, "Well, before you cut Vanderbilt completely out of your plans, let me know. I don't want to put my future trust in some doctor's office." I said, "Well, I don't know that I'll ever completely trust Vanderbilt again."

Do you blame me?

There's within my heart a melody...

Life is bittersweet right now.

On one hand, I am at a very exciting point. My music "career," if you can call it that, is moving in the right direction, and at a pretty good rate. I had my first "solo gig" at a nursing home this past Wednesday and it was great. The director, who used to be the activities director at a large nursing home (that PAYS for entertainment!) gave me a big thumbs-up and her assistant told me about a place I need to contact in Clarksville. Also, the assistant told me I reminded her of Sandi Patty (not a comparison I'd heard before, but one I could kind of understand, and appreciate!). She got me thinking about checking out Sandi's website, which led me to the GMA website, which is truly a wealth of information for singers.

I am scheduled to sing at my uncle's church in Ridgetop on Feb. 8, which alternately thrills and terrifies me. I think it will go well - I am trusting in God for this! - but I can't help being a bit nervous. I don't want to go into all of that. I am excited.

I have so many potential opportunities in front of me. I am looking into singing at smaller churches that may not have a deep pool of singers within their membership. There really are a lot of them around here. I don't want to take away from any other church's music program, just to provide a break from their usual routine and/or possibly provide special music for special occasions. A fellow in Washington state contacted me about putting a video on his television show. That is really exciting!

Recording a real, sellable album is my next big goal, with some smaller ones in the meantime such as talking to people I know about singing in their churches and nursing homes. I may possibly record again at the little studio in the mall, a CD of traditional songs that people might play on more somber occasions. And this Wednesday, on my day off, I am going to set up some dates in some of those places.

I admit that the call of the road - traveling in a Silver Eagle and singing in different churches every night and recording - and the lifestyle that sometimes goes with it, can be very enticing. I am not perfect. I admit I think it would be nice to make enough money to do that. But I am really enjoying what's going on right now in that part of my life. It's exciting, the busy-going-every-direction, working at the office full time and going home to put together websites and CDs.

My goal isn't to get rich, but I would like to be able to pay off some debts. I made up my mind going into this that I am not going into debt to buy anything to do with my music ministry. Not even an accompaniment track! I believe that if I give God this gift and this desire, He will meet my needs. And, so far, things have been great in that respect. I don't want to go into detail on this either, but I got some money I wasn't expecting. Not a lot, not even enough to make that CD I was talking about, but a little trickle I didn't think I'd get, and that made me feel good.

On a more personal note, I joined Facebook this week and already have 41 friends. I am not in competition with anyone but I have gone way past some folks I know who have been on for awhile. I really do know everybody. No, that's obviously not true.

I am a little slow getting to the other hand. Unfortunately, it is just as hard to deal with as the other hand is fun and exciting. Mom got a really bad report yesterday. The ugly, hateful, bad cancer is trying very hard to take her away from us. She is so positive and upbeat, I believe if your faith will make you whole, she should already be there. That's just not happened yet, and she needs our prayers, y'all. Please keep her, as well as Karen Shearron, who plays guitar with me, Randy & Rachel sometimes, in your prayers. Both of them are going through a really rough time.

Singing as I go

Life has been busy, as usual. Maybe more than usual.

Wrestling season is in full force & that's kept us occupied. Here's a link to our local paper, which mentions Derek in the Nov. 24 edition on page 12. (It's actually page 17 but each 2 pages are in one PDF.) That's not Derek in the picture! He is still learning the moves. When he has lost matches, it's been because he really didn't know how to get out of them! He has come a long way, though. I'm proud of him.

One night he had four matches within an hour. He lost them all. That was hard on him. It was hard on his mama too.

Though Rachel's activities haven't taken as much of my time, I've enjoyed watching her perform at the choir's Veterans' Day concert & the school's talent show. She is working a lot & always on the go.

Thanksgiving is upon us & we are thankful for a lot of things. Mom & Granddaddy are doing fairly well. Randy's still with us & still walking on both feet after this year of leg problems & car accidents. The kids are doing great. My job is going all right & my health is better than usual. (And, usually, it's pretty good!) There's a lot of trouble & trials in the world, but there's a bright & a sunny side of life too.

I feel like all the parts of my life are full & rich right now, even though I do seem to have a difficult time working in enough physical activity. That's a project for another day. I try to fit in plenty of time to be artistic, whether it's writing or singing or another form.

As for writing, I am trying to figure out how to use speech recognition so I can dictate stories while I drive to work. I really haven't done as much writing as I should lately.

I definitely work in time for music. I've been fooling with the guitar and the autoharp, preparing for the cantata with the choir, & hoping to do some recording very soon. I would really like to have some kind of "sampler" to give to people. I would like to sing Southern Gospel in some other churches or maybe at nursing homes. I've had two sermons & a sign I pass every day all telling me I need to go forward with this. But I also have the desire to sing more classical music. I miss having some kind of "class" experience where I learn skills to get better. I got a little tired of that, but I miss it now that it's not there. Because of that, I'm also planning to audition for the Vanderbilt Community Chorus again. I auditioned last year & didn't make it, probably because they had too many women singers & not enough men. This year they have a new director.

I liked singing in the Music City Community Chorus & Renee, the director, is great, but it did not work so well with my schedule. The Vanderbilt chorus rehearses on the night prior to my regularly scheduled day off. I don't have to drive so far to get there (I really don't have to drive any extra at all) & I don't have to work the next day! They also don't have weekend sectionals, which were hard for me to make because I live so far out. I'm glad I got out when I did this semester, because I don't think I'd be doing so well fitting 1-2 chorus rehearsals in with two wrestling matches & two church choir practices every week.

As for other art, I'm doing a lot of cross-stitching at these wrestling matches. They are rather long events. The regular matches take about 4 to 5 hours from start to finish. Tournaments are all day events. Saturday we got to Harpeth at 7 a.m. & got home about 4:30. And we were some of the early ones to leave! I like to watch, but it's also nice to have time to cross-stitch. I was glad to have a whole day to do it, but my butt was about sick of those bleachers.

Well, I am late getting to bed. I have a big week ahead.

Talk to God, & listen to the casual reply

Name that tune!

If you said "Rocky Mountain High" by John Denver, you are right.

I've been listening to John Denver a lot lately. I'm not sure why. I think it's because it's fall, & that's when "a fire softly burning" & "supper on the stove" sounds pretty good. ("When the sun's comin' up I got cakes on the griddle" sounds promising as well.) I am off work this week & though I don't have a fireplace, I do try to have supper on the stove when Randy gets home if I'm not working. Cakes on the griddle aren't really good for him (blood sugar issues, you know). If he would eat the kind I make with whole wheat & maple syrup instead of that sugary artificial (but really tasty) stuff they put in the bottles shaped like old servant women or log cabins, then he might not have the problems he does with them. But who am I to judge?

Tonight I was a little late with supper & I remembered rather quickly why this is my goal. He was very irritable. I wasn't much better. The combination was unpleasant. I have more ideas for crockpot meals for the future. Maybe he can come home & stir them before he picks Derek up from wrestling practice.

I spent a little time out on the hammock tonight. The light of the full moon mixed with the smoke from the tobacco barn behind us to create a silvery haze. The hanging branches still laden with pin oak leaves glowed with a mystical aura. OK, too much John Denver. But there really aren't words to describe the beauty. Going out there tonight was a good idea, as I told Randy. He was worried that my cold would get worse. I feel like it's getting a little better. I know my attitude has improved too.

I haven't written in a long time, & there's no way I could properly "catch up." So here I am. I hope to do more writing in the near future. I have lots of ideas, but usually, not a lot of time. I have to make time, I guess. I need to make time to "be still & know that (He is) God." (The verse actually says "I am God," but that would've made it look like I was trying to be God...you know what I mean.) To talk to God, & listen to the casual reply.

Tonight while being still I realized a few things. First of all, I was out there at a time I could be out there ANY night. Well, many nights anyway. The nights will soon be colder, but I should take the time to enjoy these nights while I can.

One day at work we were talking about the way we grew up. The three of us who were there that day had grown up in modest situations, not dirt poor but not much better off. I don't think any of us could've been considered "white trash," but I don't know...there are some people who probably would've thought that. But I don't, because we weren't "common" as my Granny used to say, just "ordinary decent people." Anyway, I digress. I said, "You know, there are certain things I really miss about living like I did when I was a kid. Like, I see my neighbors" (and here I add, I am NOT calling them trash, you can infer what you want) "all sitting on the front porch smoking & I think, I miss when I was a little kid & all the grownups sat around in the yard talking...some smoking, some drinking beer." They had things they missed about their childhoods too.

I thought about how many nights & early mornings I have gone out with my dog, Bonnie, & looked up at the many, many stars in the sky. Even with security lights nearby I could make out many of the constellations. Most mornings at 4:30 I am not enjoying myself out there with Bonnie, but I should be. Most mornings when I'm looking at the world through a windshield I am too stressed out, trying to stay awake or eat breakfast while I'm driving or find the right CD to practice with. I do try to enjoy the view. More often, the evening drive has the best views. If it's not dark, the changing colors get prettier every day. For awhile. If it's starting to get dark, the changing sky color is the highlight.

So...what have I learned from this "vacation" that I can take back to my daily rat race?

- to take time to be still & lie on the hammock.

- to enjoy the beauty in the ordinary, every day things.

Living in America

Happy Independence Day! Hope everyone is having a great, fun day celebrating our nation & all it stands for. Though this country is going through a hard time, I hold onto hope that the best of times is yet to come. As bad as things are, I still think this is a great place to live.

I have had a lot on my mind to write about lately. There's no way I could put it all into one post. So since I can't put everything into writing, I'll write about a topic that's on my mind right now.

I'm not really ready to declare my independence from foreign oil, but I'm working toward doing a better job of it. Oh, I don't dare kid myself that I can do it. I drive 35 miles to work & visit my family 25 miles away once a week or more if I can. And that's just the beginning of what I do to fuel the big demand for oil. But I am trying to do a better job of taking care of my world.

I bought a Honda Civic a few weeks ago. I LOVE it! I am getting about 36 mpg. This is a little less than I'd hoped for (I want perfection!) but it's better than the 27 mpg I got in the Grand Prix. I figure that as much driving as I've been doing, I ought to save about $1000 a year. Of course, I'm paying $4000 a year for the thing. I really needed a third vehicle, though, because Rachel's old enough to drive now, & a third driver in the family will be helpful. Oh, I dread it, but with our busy schedules a third car makes sense.

I have been reading a new book. Well, it's new to me - Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. It is a little more drastic of a move than I could make. I've tried changing my eating habits to help the "little guys" out in the past, & my fledgling efforts did not get far. I tried buying raw milk & naturally-raised chicken & bacon. It didn't work for me because of Randy. He was afraid to drink the milk. "You'll die because it's not pasteurized. You can't give this to the kids." He didn't have to worry - his fearful attitude was contagious, & the kids refused to drink it anyway. I didn't get sick at all. He thought the chicken tasted "wild" & preferred "the kind you get at Wal-Mart." He loved the bacon, but he totally freaked out when I told him how much it cost. "Well, no wonder we can't afford to pay off our credit cards." I tried arguing that I didn't spend $80 every six weeks to get my hair cut & colored like some of my co-workers. (And this was in the old days at my old job. I have lots more arguments now...but more on that another time.) It didn't impress him much. So, gradually, I cut my ties with that farmer's family. I just quit buying from them, & I still get their emails, but I just don't respond. It was nothing personal, I liked them very much although sometimes I felt guilty after reading their newsletters.

Every year we buy a portion of a calf from a family in our church. Their family is not dependent totally on people like us for their survival. They have a big operation & sell a lot of cattle each year. You can read about them here. Now for the purists here, I know they use artificial insemination & they give soy byproducts in addition to grass. Well, I didn't choose their beef because it was organic. I chose it because a few years ago I wanted to buy beef from someone I knew. When I was a kid my grandfather raised cattle & it just made sense to me to eat meat that's grown up nearby. It doesn't get much more local than less than a mile from the house. Randy goes for that one for several reasons. He loves the taste, for starters! He also likes the fact that overall it's cheaper than buying beef from the grocery store. You might get ground beef cheaper, but the steak & roast prices never fail to make up the difference.

I do buy eggs from a farmer about six miles up the road. Unlike most egg farmers, he charges prices comparable to the grocery store (instead of twice as high). I buy honey from them too. He is a sweet little old man with a fairly small farm, but because the price is not bad & the taste is so good, Randy doesn't give me any grief about that.

I also buy vegetables from local folks. We have a few markets fairly close to us, & there are also some organic farms along the way. Randy doesn't like their prices, in general, but as long as I use what I buy Randy doesn't tend to freak out too much about that.

I don't grow a lot because I just don't live a lifestyle that works well for that, but maybe I can do more of that in the future.

I have a long, long way to go toward lessening my carbon footprint, but I'm learning as I go. I think the Barbara Kingsolver book has helped me in one way for sure - I am doing a little better about eating at home instead of on the road.

tryin' to get to you

I cannot update my web pages to let people know about the death of Jim Hager, who rose to fame with "Hee Haw." My host must be having problems. I really cannot say enough about my web host, iPowerWeb...this is the first time I've been unable to log on in the six years I've been using them.

Thanks to an upcoming birthday & last week's "tax-free weekend" I now own a laptop computer, which has pretty much done nothing except take up my evenings since I got it. Oh, I have wanted a laptop for a long time, in hopes of finding time to update my webpages & write more fiction. So far, I haven't done much except download my money management software & copying a few more programs that I won't be using on my old computer anymore. Vista won't let me use EVERYTHING I use to make my pages but I'm working on getting it all together again. Now I just need the host to let me get back on!

Life has been strange the last few weeks. I wrote about why I didn't have much time to blog last month. Well, I think everyone's getting better, if they're not well yet. Even the kids & I have had colds, sniffles, backaches, toothaches...& our flexible benefit card hasn't been working...talk about craziness.

I am not dealing really well with life this week. You can tell when I'm not dealing well with life because I play a lot of spider solitaire. However, I seem to be getting a little better. I actually watched both last week's & this week's "ER"s while I tried to update the webpage. I installed some programs & tried to do a few more things. Anyway, now I need to go to bed. I will write again soon.

I wouldn't take nothin' for my journey now

Yesterday was my day off. I had been kind of sentimental for a place I used to live, so I took a road trip to Madisonville, KY. I just wanted to reminisce, I guess, & I wanted to see what had changed & what was still the same.

Recently I re-read Vestal Goodman's autobiography (and, as you can see on my last post, I've been enjoying their music lately too). They lived in Madisonville before we did. The day we moved there, we passed a church & Mom said, "I think that's the Happy Goodmans' church." It wasn't. Even if it had been, they were already gone - the family wasn't performing together anymore & most of them had moved elsewhere. I've written about them before here. And, even when I wrote that, I was looking for an excuse to visit again. I wanted to put things together in my mind...to see their old church, because I couldn't recall it anymore...to see where we lived on Princeton Road...& other places.

So, I went to Madisonville. I prayed about it, & I felt even more strongly that I needed to go. I went to the library, drove by several places, & took a few pictures. Here are a few.


Here is the first place we lived in Madisonville, the afore-mentioned place on Princeton Road. The apartment on the very end, nearest the camera, is the one. We lived there for a month, before we moved to the opposite end of the complex. It was a wild time. I took this picture from the parking lot of the Elks lodge. Lodges were a pretty foreign concept to me when I moved there. The Elks had bingo once a week. The letters on the outside of the building are "BPOE" which stands for Benevolent Protective Order of Elks. I always said it stood for Bingo Players Of Elks number whatever it was.

When we were deciding where to move, I said, "I can't live anywhere there's not a Dairy Queen." I wasn't really serious. Now I very seldom go to a Dairy Queen! But that goes back to my childhood, when the closest fast food was the Dairy Queen in Goodlettsville!


The next photo is of El Bracero, which obviously used to be a KFC. When we moved to Madisonville, it was Video-Ville, which is now located across town. We called it Chicken Video. It is still located in the building which once housed "Club Radical," an attempt to become a Christian teen hangout. When Video-Ville moved over there, we started calling it "Radical Chicken." I didn't get a picture of that place. I took this picture from the parking lot of the old laundromat where I used to go every Tuesday night & wash clothes. I watched "Growing Pains," "Coach," & "thirtysomething" every week while I washed. The laundromat seemed fresh & neat compared to the other ones in town...now it is closed, & the inside looks trashed.

This next picture is where Randy worked back then, the Messenger.

Finally, this last picture is a special place. One night when Rachel was a baby & I was angry at God about a lot of things - well, I don't want to get into all that - I wanted God to prove to me that He was real. Like a brash youngster, I was demanding & I basically said that if He didn't prove Himself to me I wouldn't raise my baby in church. Shortly after that - seven seconds, to be exact - a lady from that church called me. Rachel is a beautiful young lady now who really has God in her life & wants to get into ministry.

Vestal Goodman mentioned this church in her book as well. After the book was written, her nephew Kris Goodman became the pastor there. Yesterday I went into that church & told my story to Pastor Kris. It's strange, but after I told him my story, I felt like I could put things in the past & go on & do what God has for me to do now. I am not sure exactly what He wants - I never have been - but I know He will show me the way.



Speaking of what God wants me to do now...on Tuesday night I went to the Bridge again. I have spent an hour & a half here at the computer writing about my Madisonville trip, so I'm not going to write about the Bridge tonight, but I'll try & tell that story next time.