Saturday, February 16, 2008

a change will do you good

Yesterday Randy joined the Y again. This was kind of like putting a gun to my head & saying, "Girl, if you don't start eating right & exercising THIS INSTANT, you are gonna regret it." You see, in 2003, he lost 70 pounds in the time it took me to lose 20. You could barely tell I'd lost an ounce. He was skinny. It was miserable. People made snide remarks. He was kind of arrogant about it, though in his defense, he could've been a lot worse.

Egotistically, I am probably retarded. I do not use that word to make fun of people. I mean, I have emotional issues a lot of people do not have. I would rather not get into all the baggage I brought with me into my marriage, self-esteem is weak. There was a lot expected of me as a child. I had good looking parents & appeared to be intellectually quite gifted. I have often felt like a failure as an adult, because I did not turn out to be pretty, successful & rich. My greatest accomplishment is that I have raised two good kids. That's nothing to sneeze at...I'm proud...but so much more was expected of me.

And those kids could still turn on me! But maybe they won't.

Anyway, when he was getting his ego stroked constantly, I was getting NOTHING positive, just ugly remarks by family members & mean-spirited co-workers. When I get nothing, after awhile I am kind of like a spoiled child who throws tantrums at the grocery store. I will get attention even if I get it the wrong way. If the hubby's not feeding my self-esteem, I'll look for someone who will. Now please don't think I go around looking over my shoulder. I don't, but back then, I did.

I didn't cheat on him. I don't think he cheated on me. But it was a horrible, dark season in our lives. He put his need to exercise before EVERY other need our family had. It was harder for me to fit in a workout because he would go to the Y straight from work, while I had to go home & take care of the kids. I resented him, a lot. It worked for awhile for him, but then things happened, & then he got big again.

He thinks I just want him to be big. I do like him the way he is, but I also want him to be healthy. I liked him when he was skinny too. My problem is that emotionally, I needed to have a good 30 pound head start on him so I don't go through that again. I felt like a failure for not having that already & I don't need more evidence that I'm a failure.

Emotionally, I am not very far removed from the last dark period of my life. I still don't think I was ready to have that gun put to my head, but it got put there, so here I am, on unstable ground again.

I have to be fairly stable emotionally in order to do my job. I couldn't care less if I'm emotionally stable at home. That's unfortunate because my husband & kids deserve for me to be strong too, but they need my income more than they need my emotional stability. Fortunately, it's mostly tears on my part - they don't have to hear me yell much. To be strong enough to do my job I have to do certain things like I mentioned in my last post. I have to avoid sad and negative music at ALL COSTS (even if it means walking out of a store, church, the funeral home, etc.). I have to fill my heart & mind & soul with positive, happy, upbeat thoughts & songs. It is a MUST. I have to compartmentalize my soul to some extent, to save my emotions until the right time.

This has set me back about 2 months in my emotional recovery from last summer & fall's dark days. I think it's great that Randy wants to do something about his health. Let me get that out there. I am proud of him. But I need MY emotional strength, & the only way I can get that is to lose the weight as rapidly as possible. The only way I know how to do that is self-loathing & beating myself to death. Emotionally, I cannot handle that right now, but I know no other way. I can coddle myself right up to 250 pounds. I can only lose weight by hurting myself.

This time I have the very slight advantage of him needing to lose more than 70 pounds, but I need to lose more than 60 myself. But, it's time for me to lose weight, & to hurry up about it. I am praying. Please, pray too.

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