Let me tell ya that it... HURTS SO BAD

I've written about my health and constant, chronic pain before.  Today, it is reaching new heights.  I slept about 3 hours, then I woke up to go to the bathroom and then I was hitting that period of the morning where different alarms go off every so often, my attempt at keeping my body waking up at around 5 AM when I go back to work tomorrow.  So I was in serious pain when it was time to get ready for church, and I decided not to go.  I didn't really want to miss church, but I sure didn't want to stand in the choir loft (or in the congregation) or sit in the pews while my feet were aching like sore teeth.

If you want to think I'm Miss Cheerful and never complain about anything... stop reading now, because it's gonna get hateful in here.  I hate dealing with chronic pain.  When I was in 3rd grade, I got to know a girl who was diabetic and I wanted to learn all about her.  I was a little jealous because she had a mid-morning break when she went to the teachers' lounge and my suspicion was that she had a snack (I was usually hungry before lunch so this seemed positive) and had to test her sugar... which was all by urine at the time, no sticking.  I thought it was a built-in diet trick to always drink diet sodas, I thought that would keep her from being a fat adult. (It didn't. She's not huge, but has never been thin.)  That was very important to me at the time. She did have to get insulin shots, but they didn't seem to bother her like shots bothered me. I thought, the worst thing that can happen is that old people with diabetes sometimes lost toes, and I wasn't sure why that happened, but her 11-year-old toes seemed to be in decent shape.  I also thought if shots were the worst thing... well, let me assure you, they are not.

The neuropathy started sometime around November, 2008.  I'd been diabetic for at least 2 years before that, and it wasn't too long after my diagnosis.  I was insulin resistant for many years, since at least 1985 and probably a few years before.  I thought it was just a genetic thing, most of my mom's family dealt with it.  I didn't realize what that was doing to my body, and I didn't realize that the way I ate was making it worse.  I had gestational diabetes in my first pregnancy, and though I didn't the second time, I did have a nine pound baby that time - both risk factors for developing diabetes later in life.  Even that didn't scare me.  I thought because I had low blood sugar that I wouldn't become diabetic, just like I couldn't starve myself because my sugar would dip too low.  Honestly, if my blood sugars hadn't been so wild, I probably would've been anorexic because food was always the enemy.  But I'd let them drop too low and then stuff some carbs down to get me through.  Carbs couldn't be too bad, right?  After all, they were low in fat and fat was the problem, right?  I ate more complex carbs, like pasta and potatoes, because they weren't simple sugars like candy that would run through me quickly.  I began to realize that I could eat sugars IF i ate something with protein first, so I did.

When I was diagnosed, I thought if I took my meds, I could still eat what I wanted, within limits.  I didn't really want as much sweet stuff, but I did still like it.  I thought I would never be able to cut carbs out completely, and I was eating so much less sugar than I used to, but eventually, they had to stop one of my medicines because of the liver function tests going haywire, so I just gave up and threw all caution to the wind.  For a year or so I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it.  Eventually I did attempt to cut out carbs, and I'm still pretty good at that, but I do eat some.  Like I had a hot dog, and instead of carb-laden side dishes, I had - sit down - a BUN!  Oops. Flag on the play.  The touchdown will not count.

I've been thoroughly disappointed with the inability of modern medicine to cure my pain.  Doctors say, "You've got to have better control of your sugar."  I'm like, it's 3:00 pm and all I've had all day was a protein shake that says it contains 25 carbs.  How could my sugars be high because of that?  So why are they hurting? Well, lots of things can make them hurt... but only keeping my sugars low is the only relief I can get???

I would try medical marijuana, but I live in a non-legal state.  I'm told my state representatives share the Attorney General's belief that marijuana leads to harder drugs.  I went to college.  I tried "weed" back in the day.  I never did any stronger drugs, and I was offered cocaine more than once.  For the record, I didn't try marijuana the first few times it was offered either.  I guess I did do "harder" drugs at times... I had morphine after surgery.  Once in awhile I'd have a prescription for an opiate, when I had broken bones and migraines and toothaches.  The medicine would help with whatever pain I was in at the time, but that wasn't because I smoked pot in college.  I could understand how people got hooked on opiates, because after surgery, it was a little scary to think about the pain without the drugs, but I was able to go longer and longer without them and substitute Tylenol for doses during the day until I could easily wean off the "hard stuff."  Nowadays I can't even get the doctors to write me a prescription for pain medicine, because it's taboo to prescribe opioids.  Oh, and by the way, I live in the number one opiate-prescribing state according to this study.  Not surprising, considering we are a long way from a medically-legal marijuana state.  I think in a few years our neighbor Arkansas will have it.  That's only three hours from me... certainly not convenient for moving.  Oh, if Kentucky would allow it, I'd probably move the 13 miles due north for that.

So i am left to my own devices to drown out the pain.  I'm gonna try turmeric.  Hell, what do I have to lose?  I go to bed terrified of what the next day is going to bring.  I have no guarantee that a night's sleep will allow me to wake up feeling energetic and pain-free.  (Occasionally, it happens.)  If I have to work, will I be miserable all day?  Maybe I'll have a good day and it'll feel better.  But after I stand a lot, what will my night be like?  If I can't sleep, I'm guaranteed a day of intense pain.  I have to check all the boxes:  a good night of rest, all medications taken on time, all meals at the correct time (which doesn't happen often in my work), no carbs (even on Christmas! Diabetes doesn't take a holiday), a good balance of sitting and standing and walking (something else I can't always control in my job).  Now, who among us can check all those boxes every.single.day?  Maybe I am a loser because I screw up on that list on a pretty regular basis.  Then there are the matters none of us can control, such as weather.  Did we get a cold front?  Count on extra pain.  Rain?  Probably.  But it's the way I eat that's the problem.  RIGHT.  Too cold in the room?  Better cover those feet, but socks are usually too tight, exacerbating the pain.

It's a vicious cycle.  Sleep late and take meds late?  Ouch.  Work to make money and, let's face it, to keep me on my feet... and pay for it later with sleepless nights.  It's driving me insane.  I've tried B-6, B-12, biotin, evening primrose oil, alpha-lipoic acid, multi-vitamins, Metanx, and using a TENS unit... ice, heating pad, more water, liquor, prayer (begging), and acupuncture.  While the latter can be helpful, it can also be useless. I've experienced more movement after a treatment, but also experienced more pain after one too.

If I get a lot of negative comments on today's post, I'll just shut down the comments on it.  So, if you have a suggestion (like the many who say, just eat less, just exercise more... ha, let me put you into my day and see how YOU do), let your words be nice and sweet, for later they may be words you'll have to eat.

How can people have no feelings? Easy to be hard... easy to say no

I don't go political too much, but I have been hearing so much about healthcare reform, etc. lately. I have a lot to say about it, not as an employee but as a wife, mother, and daughter... as a woman, as a human.

No, health care is not a "right" per se, but in a country that wants to be one of the greatest, people should be able to access the necessary healthcare no matter their income. We have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If we have the right to life that means we have the right to do what's necessary to avoid death. Being ill can often feel like imprisonment, the opposite of liberty. One can be happy in poor health, but it's not easy. I have no problem with working to pay for my health insurance. The rock star and I always have. I also have no problem with my tax dollars helping people who truly cannot work to pay for their health insurance. For example, my mom had stage IV cancer and worked as a "cafeteria lady" far longer than most people in her condition would have because long-term disability wouldn't pay enough to maintain her coverage. She got a type of state-funded insurance, which she had previously when she was working in a job that did not provide insurance. Her doctor became angry when she changed coverage, but she had little choice if she wanted to buy food and have running water and electricity. Someone I knew years ago was paralyzed on a motorcycle. He has since passed, but he couldn't work. He was in his early 20s. Could you look him in the eye and tell him he didn't deserve healthcare???

http://www.salon.com/2017/05/02/alabama-congressman-people-who-lead-good-lives-dont-have-preexisting-conditions/

I read an article where a man said that people who lived right don't have pre-existing conditions. The writer specifically mentioned strokes, heart problems, and birth defects. The rock star had a stroke at age 4 (yes, four) because of a birth defect - a heart problem. Not only that, but my grandmother had a stroke at age six. I'm not kidding. Personally, I am INSULTED that I would be blamed for my child having a birth defect. Yes, I had one of those too. I still have him! I did not smoke or do drugs when I was pregnant. I had a cold and had to take some medicine early on, which was okayed by my doctor. I don't want to say I'm a victim, but I don't think it was my fault. Nor do I blame my father-in-law for becoming the father of the rock star ten months after coming home from Vietnam where he was often exposed to Agent Orange... he didn't get drafted, he enlisted... but no, it was not his fault that his son was born with a life-threatening heart defect. I read someone's comment that Jimmy Kimmel's child was born with a heart defect because it was "karma" because he made jokes about Donald Trump. I disagree. Besides, what did that tiny baby do to deserve that?

I have a pre-existing condition, though i wasn't born with it. I'll take responsibility for my Type 2 diabetes. I ate my way into it. I'm sure all those low-fat, high-carb foods I ate in attempts to lose weight and maintain it in my 20s and 30s didn't have anything to do with my body becoming insulin resistant. I had inherited a predisposition to blood sugar issues. And my mom's cancer? She didn't smoke, seldom drank, tried to eat right and maintain a healthy weight, and exercised regularly most of her adult life. So why did she get cancer? Oh, that was probably hereditary too. What do you think about people whose genetic profiles show predisposition to diseases? Should we deny coverage to those people because we know it's going to cost more to take care of them? You going to look me in the eye and tell me no? And the young but now deceased motorcyclist? What if I told you he was driving too fast and was at fault? Would you look him in the eye and deny him coverage after that?

I have a problem with people who think it's ok to deny coverage for pre-existing conditions. Even though our insurance pays for those, our dental insurance would NOT cover needed dental implants for our child who was born with a cleft palate, and had teeth that did not form enamel properly (a condition that also affected my brother, though his lip and palate were fine). He had two root canals that had broken in the growth and surgical process. He had one tooth I jokingly called a "bubba tooth" - he laughed at it too - but it really wasn't funny, it was only about half a tooth. This after nine years of braces, 12 years of dental appliances... in his (then) 18 years of life.

If my brothers, uncle, and I had not just sold my mother's house, I'd planned to refinance my car to borrow that money. We're talking five digits worth of money, and that's not counting the numbers on the right of the decimal. I felt like we were lucky. I'd rather have had my mom living in that house, but I felt she would have approved of the money being spent that way.

I agree that the ACA - "Obamacare," as it is so frequently called, is not really its name - needs work and maybe even replacement. I want to see pre-existing conditions left in. I say we do not need caps on coverage. My sweet rock star and son might have had to do without healthcare... and who knows when we'd have had to start doing without. My mom's insurance company re-analyzed several medicines over the years. I think they were surprised that someone who had been through all she had was still alive, so they didn't realize they had to keep paying for those drugs!

When I was a new nuclear medicine tech back in the early 90s, occasionally I would see kids who had been born with cystic fibrosis (CF). Back then, a kid born with CF had a life expectancy of maybe 20 years. Now, babies born with the disease have a much longer life expectancy as more and more patients are living into their 40s and even beyond. If you put a cap on their benefits, some of those kids would not survive that long because they sometimes spend a lot of time in the hospital. I care, and that's because one of my childhood friends has a child with the disease. I don't know for certain but I would be beyond shocked if I learned that they had done anything at all during pregnancy to "deserve" a child with such a condition. No, that, like so many other things, is a GENETIC issue.

If you are healthy and have lived a "good" lifestyle, you are LUCKY. You won the genetic lottery. You may be taking good care of yourself and for that, you should be proud, but you should not judge others, for you do not know their stories. Can you honestly say you've never overeaten, or had too much ice cream, or just once, slept instead of working out? Can you truly say you've never broken the speed limit? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. As the saying goes, Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. (source unknown; attributed to Plato)

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who care about evil
And social injustice

Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people be so heartless
You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to give in
Easy to help out

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice

Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

Songwriters
Ragni, Gerome / Rado, James / Mac Dermot, Galt

Time marches on.

OK. History has been/is being made. Congratulations to President-elect Obama. May God guide you as you lead our nation.

I didn't blog about the election & I'm not going to say any more about it. I just don't do political arguments very well. I guess I am too open-minded, because I can usually see both sides of the story, & most elections are no exception to that.

I don't make decisions very well. It is just part of who I am. Oh, some decisions come easy for me. When Randy wrecked his truck last week, I had time to go up to see the truck first, but I went to see him. The truck could wait until the next day, but I wanted to see that he was, truly, all right. Most decisions aren't so simple. Do I pick the more expensive & time-consuming but healthier meal or go for the convenient, cheaper (& sometimes, better tasting) fast food? Do I spend $800 on tires at the tire store or take a chance with the $400 tires we can get from Randy's buddy who works at the salvage yard?

By the way, the $400 tires that didn't fit exactly right caused us to spend $400 on repairs. And less than a month later, the truck got totaled - when someone pulled out & hit my husband, through no fault of his own. This is what's wrong with the economy at my house. I try not to look at life with a victim mentality, but when you've about got a truck paid for & someone else hits you, & you can't get a truck as good as that one for the money the insurance company gives you, well, it's kind of hard not to think, "I need $10,000 more dollars, & I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this."

So, I am ready to move on. I don't know exactly what changes our nation is headed for, only what I have heard from many different prognosticators. I do, however, know Someone who does.

When I started this blog, I thought I would use it to write more about my faith & about my desire to live a simpler, greener life. It has not turned out that way much at all. I don't have time to do a lot of blogging, but I am not going to quit. I just don't update often.

My life has changed. I used to work 30 hours a week, spend hours finding the cheapest grocery prices, drive a lot of miles to find organically-grown chicken & wheat for grinding to make my own bread. (I never did get that into a habit, though, as much as I like baking bread.) I spent hours & money trying to build my own home-based business. I thought I would have been better off if I had married someone who wanted to have as many children as God would give them, homeschooling them & living on one income. But, I didn't do that. I didn't know that was an option when I was 18, 19, 20 years old. Even though I grew up in church & my mom didn't work full-time most of my childhood, I didn't think I would be an at-home mom, because there were all kinds of moms in my community, & I didn't see that one kind was better than the other. I was always encouraged to go to college & have a career, & that I could have it all.

I have no desire to argue with people who, for whatever reasons, are living their dream or a life I find intriguing but wouldn't work for me because I didn't marry the same man they did. I don't blame my husband for the fact that I work 40 hours a week outside the home, but he grew up in a two-income family & wanted two children & no more. I've blogged about that before. I tried working less, to spend more time at home, & I ended up in more debt. Now I am working more, still in debt, but thankful to have a job with good benefits, thankful to have a loving husband who understands what I am going through every day, & thankful to have two teenagers who are hard-working, good kids.

I would like to spend more time at home, doing more domestic things like healthy meal preparation. I hope to do more blogging about that.

I would also like to do more writing & I intend to do more blogging about that.

So, my focus may change a little, from the "I wish I was a "crunchy" conservative homeschooling mom but I'm too broke & screwed up" perspective to "Here's what I'm doing in the garden & where I'm singing this week & what I've been writing." Personally, I think it's going to be a positive & fun change.

Living in America

Happy Independence Day! Hope everyone is having a great, fun day celebrating our nation & all it stands for. Though this country is going through a hard time, I hold onto hope that the best of times is yet to come. As bad as things are, I still think this is a great place to live.

I have had a lot on my mind to write about lately. There's no way I could put it all into one post. So since I can't put everything into writing, I'll write about a topic that's on my mind right now.

I'm not really ready to declare my independence from foreign oil, but I'm working toward doing a better job of it. Oh, I don't dare kid myself that I can do it. I drive 35 miles to work & visit my family 25 miles away once a week or more if I can. And that's just the beginning of what I do to fuel the big demand for oil. But I am trying to do a better job of taking care of my world.

I bought a Honda Civic a few weeks ago. I LOVE it! I am getting about 36 mpg. This is a little less than I'd hoped for (I want perfection!) but it's better than the 27 mpg I got in the Grand Prix. I figure that as much driving as I've been doing, I ought to save about $1000 a year. Of course, I'm paying $4000 a year for the thing. I really needed a third vehicle, though, because Rachel's old enough to drive now, & a third driver in the family will be helpful. Oh, I dread it, but with our busy schedules a third car makes sense.

I have been reading a new book. Well, it's new to me - Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. It is a little more drastic of a move than I could make. I've tried changing my eating habits to help the "little guys" out in the past, & my fledgling efforts did not get far. I tried buying raw milk & naturally-raised chicken & bacon. It didn't work for me because of Randy. He was afraid to drink the milk. "You'll die because it's not pasteurized. You can't give this to the kids." He didn't have to worry - his fearful attitude was contagious, & the kids refused to drink it anyway. I didn't get sick at all. He thought the chicken tasted "wild" & preferred "the kind you get at Wal-Mart." He loved the bacon, but he totally freaked out when I told him how much it cost. "Well, no wonder we can't afford to pay off our credit cards." I tried arguing that I didn't spend $80 every six weeks to get my hair cut & colored like some of my co-workers. (And this was in the old days at my old job. I have lots more arguments now...but more on that another time.) It didn't impress him much. So, gradually, I cut my ties with that farmer's family. I just quit buying from them, & I still get their emails, but I just don't respond. It was nothing personal, I liked them very much although sometimes I felt guilty after reading their newsletters.

Every year we buy a portion of a calf from a family in our church. Their family is not dependent totally on people like us for their survival. They have a big operation & sell a lot of cattle each year. You can read about them here. Now for the purists here, I know they use artificial insemination & they give soy byproducts in addition to grass. Well, I didn't choose their beef because it was organic. I chose it because a few years ago I wanted to buy beef from someone I knew. When I was a kid my grandfather raised cattle & it just made sense to me to eat meat that's grown up nearby. It doesn't get much more local than less than a mile from the house. Randy goes for that one for several reasons. He loves the taste, for starters! He also likes the fact that overall it's cheaper than buying beef from the grocery store. You might get ground beef cheaper, but the steak & roast prices never fail to make up the difference.

I do buy eggs from a farmer about six miles up the road. Unlike most egg farmers, he charges prices comparable to the grocery store (instead of twice as high). I buy honey from them too. He is a sweet little old man with a fairly small farm, but because the price is not bad & the taste is so good, Randy doesn't give me any grief about that.

I also buy vegetables from local folks. We have a few markets fairly close to us, & there are also some organic farms along the way. Randy doesn't like their prices, in general, but as long as I use what I buy Randy doesn't tend to freak out too much about that.

I don't grow a lot because I just don't live a lifestyle that works well for that, but maybe I can do more of that in the future.

I have a long, long way to go toward lessening my carbon footprint, but I'm learning as I go. I think the Barbara Kingsolver book has helped me in one way for sure - I am doing a little better about eating at home instead of on the road.

Make room for the new!

It has been a happy new year, so far!

Yesterday Mom got a good report! Hallelujah! God is good! She's still a long way from well, but I feel so much more hopeful now. It may take awhile but I feel good about how it's going.

Last night Randy played at a bar in Clarksville. They probably wouldn't appreciate me calling it a beer joint, but that's what it is. I went for one set & enjoyed listening to them. I always enjoy watching my baby out there playing his bass guitar. (all you who know me, you know how I am about those tall dark haired guys with guitars!) I know I was the only non-smoker in the place. I guess I am getting old but I can't take it like I used to. You wouldn't think I grew up in a family full of smokers. Mom never smoked, but my dad & all my grandparents used to. Granny Ione (the one who died in Sept.) quit many years ago. I didn't even know she ever smoked until years later. Dad's father smoked his entire adult life. Mom's mother quit a year before she died, from a totally non-smoking-related cause. Mom's dad quit over 20 years ago & is still around to tell you about it. We now have smoke-free holidays but when I was a kid, one had to go outside to get any fresh air. Now the smokers have to go outside!

So last night before I went to see Randy & then again after, I went to hang out with the youth who were having a lock-in at our church. Since I am old & had worked all day (& we had someone call in sick too, so I had a full day), I went home & slept in my bed last night. After I picked D up at 7 am, I came back to bed & slept until 11. I don't remember the last time I slept until 11! Around 1, I picked up Rachel from her friend's sleepover. Around 5, I took her to work on the movie the drama teacher is producing, then I picked up dinner for the guys & myself before coming home.

I was glad to get here too. It is cold & windy out. I am going back to the Bridge soon - hopefully next week. I wasn't in Nashville today or I'd have gone tonight. That wind makes me feel really bad for those folks. I wish I could give them all campers or something. Anyway, I am going back. I am kind of working on another music project too - more on that later.

Be sure you look at the YouTube videos listed to the right of the blog entries. I have added a few of my favorites. I watch some of them every day! I am also working on some changes on my main webpage. I even got on MySpace! Welcome to the 21st century!

It promises to be a good year! I'm still believing for that vacation & a slimmer body!

The road is long, with many a winding turn.

Although August 2007 was a month full of blessings, I can't say I was sad to see it go when I pulled the page off the calendar this morning. Like I said last night, it has been the hottest & driest summer on record here in Tennessee & I know a lot of farmers who are glad to see it come to an end.

Writing two days in a row is pretty good for me these days - I worked 50+ hours this week, so writing wasn't exactly my first priority when I got home.

I was reading some of my favorite blogs, & Pamela from "A Christian Home" shared a song that mentioned "skipping the book to read the final chapter," describing how we humans tend to want to view the destination as more important than the journey. That reminded me of my commute to Nashville. I thought back to the days when I worked at the VA (which is just across the street from where I park for my new job) & I made that commute five days a week, instead of four. I learned to love the journey. I hated that it took me so far away from my little ones who were preschoolers at the time, & I didn't always like being in the car for so long, but I loved the routes & alternate routes.

For one thing, once you get away from the urban sprawl, the scenery is beautiful. Even with the mostly brown grass, the hills are still verdant. With fall rapidly approaching, I have those colors to anticipate. After that season I love most comes the season I like least: when the days are so short. With my new work hours, this means I'll be making that commute in the dark both ways. We do have windows in our work area. I'll see my house in the daylight three days each week. As the days lengthen, if we get any snow, the hills will look like a Christmas card. I'll see them once the interstate is cleared for driving. Gradually, the brown branches will be covered in shades of yellowish-green, almost lime, then deeper & deeper to finally a forest green again.

Along the way there aren't a lot of places I can stop & grab the necessities of life, like milk & bread, but there are more now than there were ten years ago. Especially in Pleasant View, which has boomed since I left the VA. Back then I had to go to "The View" every day, since the kids stayed there while I was in Nashville, but now they get to & from there by bus. It's nice that I can stop there to pick up dinner if I need to, which I haven't yet, but it's nice to know it's there.

I do truly love the journey.

more of the same

I'm borrowing again...since I don't have much news yet...finding the beauty in the small everyday things...

What I see... earlier today, I saw the little black kitty lying on the footstool in a little ball. A favorite sight.

What I smell... nothing. Really!

What I hear... Randy demonstrating that the electric screwdriver works fine now. It wasn't on the charger correctly before.

I'm wearing... blue sweat pants & Randy's old Beachaven Winery t-shirt (from his days working there)

I've been watching... ummm...earlier I watched "The Office." I also watched Hope Hines' interview with Sterling Marlin.

The garden... hasn't done much since the other day.

School... 7th grade parent night is a week from tomorrow. I don't get this Friday night parent night thing...kind of unusual. At least there's not a football game.

in the kitchen... had KFC tonight.

What's in the CD player: nothing at the moment, because I took out the CD of some of my favorite songs from high school & before.

What I'm reading: I was reading a lot of Amish novels by Beverly Lewis & Wanda Brunstetter, but I've kind of burned myself out on them, so I've just been reading old magazines. I throw out a lot of them, but I keep all the old Oxford Americans, some of the old Utne Readers, & many of the Southern Livings.

Projects going on around the house: I finished relocating the patio this afternoon. In case you are wondering how I did that, let me explain. My patio is made of individual paver blocks, & I moved several of them over. This makes room for expanding the driveway. Of course, I have to wait awhile for that - Miss Rachel's birthday takes my extra change this week, & then after that's the car insurance, & after that, finally, I should be able to re-rock the driveway. Between now & then, I am making a brick edge for the rest of the driveway.

I have a week off work, which will go by really, really fast, but I will enjoy it.

How ya' gonna keep 'em down on the farm?

As I recall, this song had a message like, "How are you going to keep the kids on the farm once they've seen Paris?" Or, for that matter, any big city?

In January, Randy & I chaperoned a church youth trip to "Warmth in Winter," an annual gathering of teenaged Methodists & their brave adult advisors. This was our third year, & we've almost got the job down now. One of the boys asked why anyone would want to live in a city the size of Nashville. Most of the other youth agreed in their doubts about city living. They've never lived anywhere larger than Clarksville (which is no small town anymore - it's well over 100,000). Most of them haven't ever lived anywhere bigger than Pleasant View (population somewhere around 3600 - which is about 1500 more than it was when we moved out here in 1993). All of them currently live out here in the country between those two municipalities, out here where subdivisions and cattle farms co-exist, where the Interstate & the old Dixie Bee Line connect us to the nearby state capitol, where roads are named after people's great-grandparents.

I felt like the closest thing to an expert on the matter, having a brother who lives in Weehawken, NJ & works in Manhattan. I told him that some people like living close to work, where they can have a nice dinner after work or see the Titans play and not worry about parking or driving home late at night. Having worked in Nashville for several years and always living way out of town, I can appreciate that desire. I can also appreciate the desire to live in the country.

I've spent a lot of time pondering these things lately. I've pondered a lot of things. Most of them seem kind of insignificant. Here are a few sample questions.

Should I cut my hair? Almost everyone I work with thinks long hair looks terrible on older women. I'm only 39. But I'm almost 40! I hate when my hair looks bushy. I used to look good with short hair. But I think I look old with short hair now. I have a lot of gray, but I like the color of my hair. If I let my hair grow it will be wild and unprofessional looking. But I would love to have long hair, if only just so I could say I'm not disobeying I Corinthians 11.

But are we supposed to be wearing headcoverings too???

Why am I haunted by my decision to get out of the nursing program back in 1987? Didn't I really want to be a technologist, & nuclear medicine seemed like the perfect marriage of patient care & technology for me? Didn't I want to be a technologist, like, as long as I knew what one was??? Why haven't I felt as respected as a technologist? Why do I think I have to be a nurse to get respect? Would I really get more respect as one? Why is it so hard for someone like me to go back to college to get my RN degree? And why do I even want to?

Why didn't I know when I was younger that...I would wish I hadn't taken birth control pills? That I would wonder what it would've been like to have as many kids as God would have given me? That I would regret having epidural anesthesia? That I would regret using disposable diapers, and being in debt so much that I never got to be a solely-at-home mom? That I would wish I'd started homeschooling the kids in 1997? That I would wish I'd been more active & less interested in the computer???

Why can't I agree with Randy that our life isn't so bad...that cheap & easy (& overprocessed) food from Wal-Mart is best...that I need to work a 40-hour week in a hospital job even if it means driving 40 miles one way to work...that two kids was more than enough...that women wearing pants & short hair is not necessarily a bad thing...that public schools are better than homeschooling...that constant TV & movie entertainment is a necessity instead of a luxury...that eating home-grown food is a luxury & not a necessity? Why can't I be a good housekeeper and work full time like his mom did? With very little help from his dad, who preferred working outside the house instead?

Where did these zillions & zillions of homeschooling, homesteading women find the men who wanted their wives to live that way??? And for the record, NO, I'm not looking for a man!!! Though Randy & I disagree on a lot of stuff, we do love each other very much. But if they could teach Randy what they know...naah, I don't think I'd want to change him that much. I just wonder though.

I DO know why there are few blogs for & by Christian women like me, who don't live on a farm, who don't homeschool, who watch TV. BECAUSE ALL THE OTHERS ARE BUSY DOING HOUSEKEEPING JOBS & I'M SITTING HERE AT THE DANG COMPUTER.

Cheap tricks

Well, I've had a fairly busy week, so I haven't done much writing. I've been a little under the weather, and the weather's been kind of wintry this week. The kids got out of school Friday because the flu has been running rampant through the county, but they'd have had a snow day anyway. The day before, we were "supposed" to get a bunch of snow, but that didn't happen. I think most of the kids who missed Thursday were tired from staying up late anticipating a snow day. At least, this is the story my daughter tells me. I've spent a little time working on the house, and a little time planning the Super Bowl party for our youth at church, and a lot of time looking for bargains.

Randy likes my "new" hobby of looking for bargains. I told him that's because it actually benefits him. Yesterday I spent quite some time viewing sites that came up when I Googled "coupons." I don't like these survey-type sites where they send your e-mail to advertisers who offer "free" stuff for $1 shipping - & of course they want your credit or debit card to get your $1. I feel like all that's a big waste of time, between the multiple times you end up answering the same question & the zillions of e-mails you get from these people. Instead, I prefer going to the sites of brands I like to buy. I signed up with "My Coke Rewards" yesterday. If you don't get the Procter & Gamble coupons from your local paper, try www.pg.com. The Tennessean's Ms. Cheap has a regular column in the paper plus every year she has a "Cheapest of the Cheap" contest.

We filed our taxes this morning with Turbo Tax. I've been using this program for years & I highly recommend it. It's not free, but it's been cheaper for us than going to a tax preparer, & I feel better using the program than doing it completely by myself. Unfortunately, I didn't realize I could log in through my bank and get it cheaper until I'd already filed. Dang! So if you're a U.S. Bank online customer, be sure to click on "Special Offers" at the left of the screen.

Now, I know all this sounds like I've really gotten far away from my "shop locally" message. I like to save money on some things (like cleaning products, shampoo, etc.) so I can have a little more money to splurge on the things I buy from "the little guys." If I'm going to eat out, I prefer Stratton's in Ashland City to their neighbor, McDonald's. But occasionally, I might go to the golden arches too.

Why do you want to be so weird???

The boy asked me this earlier today. He doesn't understand the pursuit of the perfect loaf of freshly-ground wheat bread, the idea that milk & cheese might be healthier for you if they're unpasteurized, and growing food. He's happy to eat the beef we got from the farm down the road, & doesn't mind the chicken I get from an organic farm, but he doesn't understand. He thinks I should spend my money on a new HDTV instead of organic chicken and whole wheat to grind into flour for homemade bread. I explain that I have to buy groceries anyway, so why not eat it the way God intended? He thinks it makes me weird. Maybe it does. Is that such a bad thing?

I said I wanted to be part of the solution. I meant learning how to stop the epidemic of diabetes. He & Rachel thought it sounded pretentious. I guess it did. I told them that I just want to learn more about diabetes & how to control it so I can share that information with others. The boy thinks I'm off the deep end. This from the child who thinks ice cream with chocolate syrup is a fine snack. Or meal. I told him he's lucky I still let him eat ice cream & watch our old-fashioned TV.

Earlier in the day, as I prayed for guidance I realized that while I talk a good talk, I am not eating what I need. I ate grilled chicken and green peas for lunch - and peach cobbler. Yesterday I ate chili & a sandwich for lunch - and pecan pie for dinner. I drink raw milk & eat whole wheat bread, and pop-tarts and Krystals. I know better, but I do it anyway. I guess I get discouraged: "What the heck, it doesn't matter anyway..." Well, I can improve from here.

I'm not exercising like I should either. This one's a little harder. Randy works out every afternoon - because he knows I'm going home to cook dinner & see about the kids. I'm glad I can make it easier for him, but I don't really know how to fit it in for myself. Going to the Y before work's not an option. The kids have to be at school at 7:30. I have to be at work shortly thereafter. We live 13 miles from the Y, which is near where I work & not far from Randy's work. The kids' school is eight miles in the opposite direction. With gas so high (& I just hate wearing out a car before it's paid for), I try to avoid making two trips to "town." If I go before taking them to school, I'd have to make two trips. If they ride the bus, I have to be here at 6:30 to see that they get on. If I leave after that, I won't make it to the Y in time to work out, shower, and eat before work. After work, it's not much of an option either. I don't like for the kids to be home by themselves. I could take the kids - another trip - but Derek doesn't like the kids' room at the Y & he's too young for the machines, and Rachel's not into the Y. That's a long story there - basically, I just want to keep her away from a certain person who frequents the Y. That pretty much leaves Saturdays & maybe Sundays, if I don't go spend time with my mom & grandparents. And then I have to consider what else I need to do while I'm "in town." If I have to take the kids anywhere, I have to decide whether it's worth two trips.

I do live on a pretty nice circle for walking, and I have a fat dog who needs the exercise about as badly as I do. So, I'm going to try again to MAKE MYSELF do that walk every morning. The dog would love it, & I know it would be good for me too. It may mean a little less computer time in the AM, & it might mean a little earlier wake up time, but I have to do it. It's now or never. (Had to throw in a little Elvis - today's his birthday. It's also the birthday of a high school friend of mine, Jeff Mohon. If you're reading this, Jeff, hope you had a good one.)

On that note I think I'll get up & get ready for bed. Maybe I can get up early enough to drag myself out of bed early in the morning.

"Sorry about your weight. . ."

I have noticed a trend at the drive-thru windows. (Yes, I know it's terrible to eat fast food. Thank you for noticing. I won't bother to explain my reasons for it - it's nobody's business anyway.) Whenever I have to wait for more than 30 seconds either at the speaker box or the window itself, the next words I hear are, "Sorry about your wait."

This sounds like something else to me. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive about my obesity. But one day I got to the window, where a lady who outweighed me by, oh, at least 75 pounds, said, "Sorry about your wait," and I thought - Thank You, Lord, for keeping my mouth shut - Sorry about your weight too.

It's ironic to me that fast food chains say something that could be misinterpreted to mean we're sorry we made you fat. It's not just one chain. I've heard this same phrase at Sonic, Krystal, Wendy's, & Taco Bell. Others may say it too, I just haven't been to any others lately.

While fast food chains aren't the only reason we have such an epidemic of obesity in this country (they're not holding guns to our heads to MAKE us eat the food), I do believe most of us are completely misled about fast food. We think they're out to provide a lot of food for little money. Well, who do we think is going to benefit? The customers? We're paying for those million dollar commercial spots. I could go on and on. As for just part of the health issue, I found this tidbit on a site called TreeLight. Now I don't necessarily agree with the worldview of this site - I haven't had time to read it all - but I do find the facts about foods to be very interesting.

"For commercial deep frying, though, butter is prohibitively expensive. Things were better when foods were fried in beef tallow and coconut oil, because they had a lot of flavor and the saturated fats aren't harmed by the heat. But all that saturated fat sounds bad, so restaurants switched to partially hydrogenated vegetable oils. One "healthy" Mexican restaurant even advertised that they fried in vegetable oil. That would be somewhat better than partially hydrogenated oil -- assuming that they weren't using partially hydrogenated vegetable oil in the first place -- but subjecting the unsaturated fatty acids contained in a vegetable oil to the high heat of a deep frying vat is deadly, especially when the oil is used and reused all day long. The result would be the same kind of trans fats that you get in the hydrogenation process!

But the absolute worst commercial frying is done by the fast-food chains, who almost uniformly do their deep frying in cheap, deadly partially hydrogenated oil. Any fats that escaped being transmogrified in the hydrogenation process are now subjected to the deep frying process. It's a miracle that any of the unsaturated fats escape being transmogrified, if any of them do."

TreeLight has information like the definition of words like "transmogrification." I don't know how to explain that word. It just sounds terrible to me.

So, I'm not going to lie. I do occasionally eat fast food. I admit to trying the Cheesecake Bites at Sonic. Rachel loves them, & wanted me to try them too. Not such a good idea, but I did it. They taste good, unfortunately for me. I also have a Krystal Kraving once in awhile, & if I happen to be on that side of town when this happens, I stop. There's a Wendy's right down the road from us, and they do have SOME real food like salads & potatoes. As does Taco Bell, though I'm a little nervous about eating there right now.

The kids & Randy think I'm strange for even trying to beat the system. I'm not trying to put fast food chains out of business. I'm just trying to eat what's good for my body. I figure I spent 39 years eating too much refined sugar, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and refined flour. I didn't know that the sugar and flour made me crave more sugar & flour. I didn't know that the bad fats were keeping me from getting the essential fatty acids that are, well, essential to nutrition. I didn't know that those things would keep me hungry for the real nutrition my body needed. That's the reason I'm 75 pounds overweight and Type II diabetic. I don't blame my parents. They ate it too. My mom had breast cancer at 45. My dad's brothers and my mom's brother all had heart disease by the age of 55. My grandfather's 78 & hasn't been in the hospital but once, and that in the last year. His heart was in good shape until about 5 years ago when he started developing hypertension & eventually congestive heart failure.

If a woman gets breast cancer & starts trying to raise money for cancer research, people don't think that's strange. If someone is injured in an accident & their friends & family join MADD or raise money for the Brain Injury Foundation, people think that's a natural thing. So why is it strange for me to study nutrition & try to change my diet & enlighten others about the information I've learned? I don't think it's strange at all.

Unlike some people, I don't really try to force my knowledge on other people like my family. I find that a gradual process is forceful enough for my picky eaters. I prefer to try my new plan myself, then if I get healthier from it, I have proof my way works, & then can help others. Right now I'm just waiting for the new plan to work on the outside of me. The inside - well, I already feel a lot better. So far this fall, both my kids & several of my co-workers have been sick. I haven't. I have had a symptom or two to visit me, like a slightly sore throat or ear or stuffy nose, but I got over them before they brought me down. The kids have missed school & sounded terrible.

Well, I need to go do something about my wait.