Wake me up when September ends

I seem to remember complaining a lot last September too, & using this song as a mantra. Well, I didn't know crap.

I had a stress test last September. Band kept me extremely busy, as did the rest of Rachel's social life. A quote from last September: "And there were parents at the first band boosters meeting who wanted to know why we weren't going to MORE contests. These are people who don't have a blanking life...I just mean, anyone who thinks our band (or any band, for that matter) needs to go to more than six contests in eight weeks (and really, they're going to seven - they're doing two one weekend) is certifiable."

Another quote from last September: "The hemorrhage of money is unbelievable. I know people told me this before I had a high schooler, but I didn't realize just how serious this problem would be. I don't think I would've believed them if they'd had the words to convey the reality to me. It's like this. Imagine your fingers representing your paycheck, after taxes. Now look at your pinky. Now imagine all the other fingers, and the top two sections of your pinky were cut off. See what would be left? THIS is what you have to live on until your next check. Oh, and by the way, the cupboard is bare and your mortgage and two car payments are due. Good luck."

Nice to know some things never change, ha ha. Seriously, although we are still hemorrhaging cash, at least we are a little better off this September there. Randy played the Toy Run again this year, like he did last September, among many other gigs. Funny, I don't feel like his playing helped us financially one iota, but my new job kind of took up the slack there.

Ah, but then life got really interesting.

I missed Granny today, when I thought, she knows how I feel. But she can't tell me now.

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood, & nothing seemed to go my way. The dishes were piled high when I got out of bed. There was trash on the floor, & the trash can was overflowing, & there were no trash bags in the kitchen. (There were some in the garage, though!) It rained so the drive stunk. Work went okay. In fact, after lunch, things did seem to go somewhat smoother, but if they'd gotten any worse than they were at 12:30, I would've thought God hated me.

Today, we learned why Mom's been in so much pain. I don't think I can forget the look on her face when she came out of that room. I have never seen that much sadness on her face. But like I told her, at least now we know why, & now they can treat her. They are trying something different this time - a hormone therapy. Hey, in six months she could be out doing everything she wants to do again & making me look like an old lady.

Hopefully.

I do feel a lot older this September than last. I can't explain that. Oh, sure, I'm 40 now. I have tons more energy, thanks to the CPAP, but I kind of like I did one day in college, when I got a stomach virus while I worked at the daycare. When I threw up, I had to clean it up. Nobody was there to take care of me. We didn't even have a janitor to do it. That was the day I realized - I was the grownup now.

I'm fortunate - I still have my dad, & my mom, & my granddaddy. But now it is my turn to be strong. That makes me feel old. Daddy calls me & asks me about Granny's stuff. I haven't talked to Granddaddy yet. Oh, that's going to be hard for him to take. I am glad it wasn't me who had to tell him.

So keep us - especially Mom - in your prayers. Also, if anyone knows of any assistance programs we could apply for, please let me know. Mom has been working, but she's not going to be able to do that anymore for a while - possibly not ever. I mean, they probably can't hold that job open for that long. I don't want Mom to have to worry about money.

Sunshine and rain

Though we haven't gotten a lot of rain here this summer, my personal life has been a mixture of sunshine and rain. My new job, losing Granny, Mom's illness, Rachel's homecoming experience, I could go on. Most of the summer was hard because it was so hot & it felt so desperate. Financially, I felt desperate, and the heat made life terribly hard for our farmer neighbors. We will be feeling the effects of the drought of 2007 for a long, long time.

Mom is not doing well at all. She saw the oncologist yesterday & is having tests today. He put her on some pain medicine - I'm not sure what, I didn't think to ask until after I got off the phone - & on Thursday we get the results, whatever they may be. I think finally knowing something will be a good thing. What we know may not be...but at least we will know what we are dealing with. I don't want to sound negative but things look really bad. I also know that there's a lot we don't know. God is the great physician. He knows everything. He knit Mom's body together in the womb and He knows what is going on in there now. He knows how many days He gave her to be here, and when He will take her home. I trust Him with that. All I want is for her to be free from the pain that has been making her miserable off and on for six months. If He restores her back to perfect health here on earth, that would be wonderful! If He is taking her to paradise, I will be sorrowful here without her, but I will know His way is best.

I could write a book about my feelings and emotions on the subject. But I won't, at least not today. Keep us in your prayers, will you, please? We surely need them right now.

are you proud to be a War Eagle?

The next line in the cheer is, "Yes, we are." The War Eagles of Sycamore HS did not do such a pride-inspiring job last night, getting beat really, really bad by Pearl-Cohn. But the homecoming ceremonies were beautiful & fun.

I do not have pictures of the homecoming ceremony yet but here is a photo of Rachel & her escort (& her daddy, behind the wheel) in the parade on Monday. She looks like she is leading a cheer. She is not a cheerleader! We did that back in the elementary school days.

Mom came to the game & I thought she looked really good - healthier than she has in a long time. She didn't stay for the game. She didn't miss much there. I stayed because by the time we got through the National Anthem it was 7:30, & there was no point in going back to Greenbrier to get there after the visitation period ended. Besides, a boy from our church was part of the halftime festivities, & his family was sitting right behind us. I'm sure they would've understood if we left after Rachel's portion, but like I said, at that point, it didn't make much sense to leave.

We go back to the funeral home at 12 today. It just seemed unreal until we got there. In a way I thought, no, they were calling us about the wrong person. Someone else died. It wasn't her. They will call us & tell us it was someone else. But no, it was really her. She didn't look like herself, but she looked peaceful, & better than she did the last time we saw her.

I read with great joy the report of Carla's daughter Annie being restored to health. Praise God! As a health care professional, I struggle with the knowledge that sometimes the very medications we use to heal can actually harm. It is such a fine line.

Though I bear no malice toward anyone for Granny's passing - she is home & at peace - I can't help but think those pain medications accelerated the process. Her taking them at home led to the fall that led to the hospitalization that led to the "temporary" nursing home placement. Did those people give her more than she needed? If they did, I believe it was because they wanted her to be free from pain. I know it is hard to see someone hurt. I know she did not want to be in pain.

When Randy's dad died, it was a similar situation. He was sick a long time, but he, like Granny, had an infection for which they gave antibiotics & pain medication. They gave him too much pain medicine, & his breathing suffered, & his condition deteriorated rapidly. My other Granny died after a year of taking huge doses of Prednisone & having every side effect in the PDR. Medicine is a great thing, but it cannot do everything. On the other hand, God can.

you're the only one who really knew me at all

I heard this song at work today. It was the hardest moment of my job so far. You see, my grandmother died yesterday. There was nothing I could do today to help with the preparations & such, so I worked. What could I do here? Nothing. Tomorrow, that's another story. I felt out of sorts, but somehow, I made it. Tomorrow, I'm just helping for awhile in the morning, then I'm going home. I won't be driving to East Tennessee this weekend after all.

On a good day, I cry when I hear this song. You can ask my kids what I say about the 80's - though I had a lot of fun, there are just some memories I don't want to relive. I can talk about them, but I am glad I don't have to live through them again. If the only way I could live past 40 would be to repeat my high school days, I would die tomorrow. In my senior year, in a four month period, four kids from school died. One was a good friend of mine, Lee Wentz. The movie "Against All Odds" was out not long before that, & the song was still everywhere. But suddenly, when my friend was lying in St. Thomas Hospital on life support, that song took on new meaning. "You coming back to me is against all odds...it's a chance I've gotta take." There was zero chance he would make it off life support. And, he didn't.

It is probably the only song from that time in my life - maybe the only song period - that makes me cry every single time I hear it. Oh, it's a beautiful song. Usually, it's not enough to make me break down, but just enough to make me shed a tear or two, because the memories it rekindles are very painful. Sometimes I can tune it out, but if I'm driving, I change the station. At work, that's kind of hard to do when it's on more than one radio.

So today I'm at work, & this song comes on. I had to walk around the work area & stay away from it. I even covered my ears when I was in the hot lab next to the radio. I couldn't listen. "There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why. You're the only one who really knew me at all." Granny Ione knew me in ways no one else could understand.

I couldn't think about that today. It is like I cannot let myself feel everything just yet. There is too much else to think about. Our week had revolved around Rachel being in the homecoming ceremony at school tomorrow. The youth group is going whitewater rafting, & Derek is really torn up that he can't go.

To top this off, Mom is having health problems again...not sure I want to get into all that today. Let's just say that the report sounded kind of bad to a healthcare professional, but she heard the good words he said, & though that may be against the odds, I hope she's right.

I am trying to be strong, but I think that's about over. I have been waiting for the tears to come. I think they are here.

No way to slow down

I don't have much time for bloggin' these days. I'm deep into the new job, which really doesn't take me away from home a LOT more than the old one did, but the hours it takes me away are those in the early morning. I'm not that much later in the evenings, but I'm pretty worn out when I get here. So far, we are still living in that "limbo" where we've had to make it two weeks on one week's pay. For a long time, our family moments together (especially between me & Randy) have been tense because we need things we can't afford, like new clothes & shoes & sometimes, other more pressing needs like toilet paper. We are going to survive, though. This coming Thursday Randy gets paid & I get paid on Friday, and this time, I get a full two-weeks paycheck.

Gotta hit the road.

The road is long, with many a winding turn.

Although August 2007 was a month full of blessings, I can't say I was sad to see it go when I pulled the page off the calendar this morning. Like I said last night, it has been the hottest & driest summer on record here in Tennessee & I know a lot of farmers who are glad to see it come to an end.

Writing two days in a row is pretty good for me these days - I worked 50+ hours this week, so writing wasn't exactly my first priority when I got home.

I was reading some of my favorite blogs, & Pamela from "A Christian Home" shared a song that mentioned "skipping the book to read the final chapter," describing how we humans tend to want to view the destination as more important than the journey. That reminded me of my commute to Nashville. I thought back to the days when I worked at the VA (which is just across the street from where I park for my new job) & I made that commute five days a week, instead of four. I learned to love the journey. I hated that it took me so far away from my little ones who were preschoolers at the time, & I didn't always like being in the car for so long, but I loved the routes & alternate routes.

For one thing, once you get away from the urban sprawl, the scenery is beautiful. Even with the mostly brown grass, the hills are still verdant. With fall rapidly approaching, I have those colors to anticipate. After that season I love most comes the season I like least: when the days are so short. With my new work hours, this means I'll be making that commute in the dark both ways. We do have windows in our work area. I'll see my house in the daylight three days each week. As the days lengthen, if we get any snow, the hills will look like a Christmas card. I'll see them once the interstate is cleared for driving. Gradually, the brown branches will be covered in shades of yellowish-green, almost lime, then deeper & deeper to finally a forest green again.

Along the way there aren't a lot of places I can stop & grab the necessities of life, like milk & bread, but there are more now than there were ten years ago. Especially in Pleasant View, which has boomed since I left the VA. Back then I had to go to "The View" every day, since the kids stayed there while I was in Nashville, but now they get to & from there by bus. It's nice that I can stop there to pick up dinner if I need to, which I haven't yet, but it's nice to know it's there.

I do truly love the journey.