Thursday, September 20, 2007

you're the only one who really knew me at all

I heard this song at work today. It was the hardest moment of my job so far. You see, my grandmother died yesterday. There was nothing I could do today to help with the preparations & such, so I worked. What could I do here? Nothing. Tomorrow, that's another story. I felt out of sorts, but somehow, I made it. Tomorrow, I'm just helping for awhile in the morning, then I'm going home. I won't be driving to East Tennessee this weekend after all.

On a good day, I cry when I hear this song. You can ask my kids what I say about the 80's - though I had a lot of fun, there are just some memories I don't want to relive. I can talk about them, but I am glad I don't have to live through them again. If the only way I could live past 40 would be to repeat my high school days, I would die tomorrow. In my senior year, in a four month period, four kids from school died. One was a good friend of mine, Lee Wentz. The movie "Against All Odds" was out not long before that, & the song was still everywhere. But suddenly, when my friend was lying in St. Thomas Hospital on life support, that song took on new meaning. "You coming back to me is against all's a chance I've gotta take." There was zero chance he would make it off life support. And, he didn't.

It is probably the only song from that time in my life - maybe the only song period - that makes me cry every single time I hear it. Oh, it's a beautiful song. Usually, it's not enough to make me break down, but just enough to make me shed a tear or two, because the memories it rekindles are very painful. Sometimes I can tune it out, but if I'm driving, I change the station. At work, that's kind of hard to do when it's on more than one radio.

So today I'm at work, & this song comes on. I had to walk around the work area & stay away from it. I even covered my ears when I was in the hot lab next to the radio. I couldn't listen. "There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why. You're the only one who really knew me at all." Granny Ione knew me in ways no one else could understand.

I couldn't think about that today. It is like I cannot let myself feel everything just yet. There is too much else to think about. Our week had revolved around Rachel being in the homecoming ceremony at school tomorrow. The youth group is going whitewater rafting, & Derek is really torn up that he can't go.

To top this off, Mom is having health problems again...not sure I want to get into all that today. Let's just say that the report sounded kind of bad to a healthcare professional, but she heard the good words he said, & though that may be against the odds, I hope she's right.

I am trying to be strong, but I think that's about over. I have been waiting for the tears to come. I think they are here.

No comments: