Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette!

I don't smoke. I smoked for about 15 minutes in my early 20's, never more than half a pack a day. I can see how people get hooked & have a hard time quitting. If they're like caffeine... Anyway, sometimes I can smell a cigarette & want one even now, all these years later.

Tonight I watched old cigarette ads on YouTube. I did not know that the Flintstones smoked Winstons. No lie. I DO - just barely - remember cigarette commercials (Marlboro, mainly), but none of the ones I saw tonight. After watching one, I remembered how I always wondered how people could ski and smoke at the same time. (That commercial is older than me, but I do remember seeing things like that in print ads.) Even then, I knew that water & cigarette paper didn't mix.

I DID know that some brands claimed health benefits. I used to go to a doctor who had cigarette ads framed on his office wall. I am pretty sure he did not smoke, but I'm sure he remembered "What cigarette do you smoke, doctor?"

I have the day off tomorrow. Yippee!!! I'm going to lunch with my friend Cindy & her son Mason.

I also plan to do some stuff here at home. I need a change in my attitude about home. I have been rather disgusted with this house for awhile. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I've never been a great housekeeper, but that's not the only problem I have with the house. I have never been too fond of the location. Randy grew up here, but his family doesn't live close by & none of his friends do anymore either.

I like three things about the location. I like the fact that it's a nice little place to walk. It's not a very long road, but it's not too short either. I like the fact that it's close to our church, and several others, too! This puts us in close proximity to several other church families as well. And, I like the fact that it IS close to the interstate. Inside the house, it is not noticeable 90% of the time, but because the interstate exit is close, driving in bad weather is usually not that bad.

I dislike several things about the location. It is close to almost nothing except what I mentioned before. Not close to my workplace or Randy's, or to the school, or to our families, or to a grocery store, bank, restaurant or post office. Now, country living is all right, but when nothing is close to anything else, it does make things complicated. Time-consuming, too. I dislike the proximity to all the other houses. If I'm going to live 6 miles from the grocery store, I'd like to have a little privacy. Things have gotten a little better between us & the neighbors, but it's not private enough.

The kids want to live in Pleasant View, in a subdivision, or somewhere they can be close to their friends & their houses. I understand that, but it is of no consequence. They hate it here, & by the time we repair our financial situation so that buying a new home is a possibility (rather than a huge leap that could bite us hard), they will be grown & gone & then I'll be here in this house without them. Then, I'll be looking for a place with NO land & NO privacy so I won't have to take care of the yard when Randy can't do it anymore.

In general, there is not a lot I just love about the house. I am fairly indifferent about most things about it. I don't hate the yard. I sort of like the color of the brick. I sort of like the fact that it's brick. Most of the things I like best are the things I had something to do with changing from the original. I like the central heat & air. I bought that. I like the floor in the living room. Randy installed that. I like the vinyl siding. My dad & brother added that. I like the bathroom we had repaired. I paid for that too.

When Granny died, I went to her house & picked up the country music DVD's I made for her. I joked that I always knew I'd have to bring those back home someday, but I figured by then I'd have more room to store them. And you know what? I still can't believe she's really gone. It just doesn't seem possible. I keep thinking that I'll go to her house & she'll be sitting there in that old blue chair that used to belong to Randy's dad, & she'll be watching basketball...or the Food Network...or the news, with the cat on her lap. But I know that's not true.

Anyway, I don't have much room to store the DVD's or anything else, either. I try not to envy the people who do, but it's hard when all your co-workers, your brother, & your kids' friends live in houses that are 2 or 3 times bigger than yours, with paved driveways & permanently installed dishwashers & more than one bathtub. I think, in general, that most Americans have more house than they need. Seems like everyone wants one that's bigger & better than the neighbors'. And, really, people build too many of them too. Here in TN, though, seems like once they get built, they get filled up. Where do these people come from??? This size house was fine for families 30 years ago, so why isn't it now??? We have too much stuff.

So, on that note, I'm going to bed. I can't sit here & ramble on about it. It makes me angry to think about Randy's attitude about it, the kids' attitude about it, my attitude about it, & the reality that no matter what attitude we have, we are stuck here for at least another year.

Can you feel the love tonight?

You could if you were here. I'm in my apron, drinking real milk, eating chocolate chips I just made with flour I just milled...the domestic earth mama has returned!

Just kidding, sort of???

Actually, after I came home dog tired last night, I did a lot of thinking. While I have no regrets about leaving my previous job for my current one - not by a long, long shot - the change in lifestyle has not been all it promised to be. Yet. I think it's coming. Right now I am still too broke to buy a hybrid with a plug for my mp3 player, or to have Randy bring the kids to Nashville on a weeknight so we can see live music after I get off work. For that matter, I have to get to bed really early on weeknights, because I have to leave the house by 6 am or I'll be late. Too many nights up past 9, & I can barely function by the end of the week. Ten hour days are tough. I get home 12.5 hours after I leave every day.

I've been broadening my horizons by listening to books on CD during the drives. So far I have listened to "Sisterchicks On the Loose," by Robin Jones Gunn, "The Year the Colored Sisters Came to Town," by Jacqueline Guidry, & now I'm listening to "I Hate to See that Evening Sun Go Down," a collection of short stories by William Gay. "Sisterchicks" is not my usual kind of read, but I enjoyed it. I was a little disappointed to learn that the next Sisterchicks book wasn't about the characters Penny and Sharon because I had really come to love them! My favorite so far is the Jacqueline Guidry book, but I'm enjoying the work of my fellow Tennessean. In one story a character is named "Stayrook," which is an unusual name but the maiden name of the mother of one of my best friends. Mr. Gay lives in Lewis County, & my friend's mom's family lives next door in Perry County. I have other friends in Perry County too, & I recognize some of the towns he mentions.

I am very thankful that Randy helps me a lot. I think he felt sorry for me there for awhile. I was in such a daze there for a few weeks, when Granny died & then Mom had bad test results. But, she is feeling a lot better & I am too. She has returned to work part-time, which is perfect, because it keeps her busy without wearing her out. She may go back to full-time, after she regains some of her strength. But one step at a time.

One step at a time in the changes in our lifestyle, too. For awhile I tried baking my own bread, making my own butter, & all that stuff, back when I was working part-time. There is something really wrong with the world when it is cheaper to buy canned carrots than fresh ones & to buy factory-made soap than homemade. Before I got this job, it was too costly to keep messing up practice loaves of bread. That's sad. Now, I don't have lots & lots of extra time (case in point: I need to go to bed NOW.) but I do still have a day off every week, besides the weekend, & so today, I spent a little time making old fashioned cookies. Yum.

you better stop and smell the roses

I wish I could smell today. I am congested. I dreamed that I was congested, & when I woke up, I knew why. So, we stayed home from church. We weren't planning a trip to see the family this afternoon because Mom had plans. She was planning to either celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday with her family, or her brother's birthday with his.

We didn't get invited to either of those. I didn't expect to be invited to my sister-in-law's family dinner. Randy's mom doesn't invite my brother & his family to Randy's birthday dinner (though I'm sure they'd be welcome). As for Mom's brother's big surprise blow-out (which is going on right now, so it's not a surprise anymore), I think they all believe we live SO FAR AWAY that we wouldn't be able to come. I tell myself this, so I won't think it's because they just don't want us around. Really, though, I think it's more like what I said. We live 25 miles away - only about 250 feet from the very county in which they live. I drive further than that to work every day. But because I don't live under foot in Ridgetop, I might as well still live in Kentucky, like I did FOURTEEN YEARS AGO.

As it turned out, I had a cold today anyway. Instead of rushing around today, wearing myself out, I'm taking a day of rest, hoping to feel better tomorrow when I hit the ground running & go back to work. Yesterday the whole family went to eat at the Blackhorse in Clarksville (half courtesy of Jostens, who gave a gift card as a Bingo prize at the employee picnic last week), then Rachel & I went shopping for awhile, until I got a blister on my foot. She & I were both tired & stressed by the time we got home. She spent the night with her friend Ashley, Derek spent the evening with his new Xbox 360 (which, I am proud to say, he sold other games, etc. to pay for!), & Randy laid on the bed watching TV while I watched "ER" & burned some Elvis stuff I had on TiVo to DVD for my personal collection. I just love the 70's concert with the light blue jumpsuit.

So, I guess I'd better get up & do some stuff to get my week organized. Fortunately, this week should be slightly easier than most because the kids are out of school & Randy's off work part of the week. If I can organize the household chores so that the house doesn't get too dirty & the clothes stay washed, then maybe the kids (Rachel, at least) can help with dinner, & maybe I won't be spending tons of money all the time. Of course, this means the kids will be eating me out of house & home...but not costing me as much in lunch money.

Later!

just a quick note...

Went to see Mom yesterday & she seems to be doing pretty well so far. She went to church & evidently to do a little shopping before she got home. She got tired after lunch but still seems to be doing so much better than last week! So things are improving!

Wake me up when September ends

I seem to remember complaining a lot last September too, & using this song as a mantra. Well, I didn't know crap.

I had a stress test last September. Band kept me extremely busy, as did the rest of Rachel's social life. A quote from last September: "And there were parents at the first band boosters meeting who wanted to know why we weren't going to MORE contests. These are people who don't have a blanking life...I just mean, anyone who thinks our band (or any band, for that matter) needs to go to more than six contests in eight weeks (and really, they're going to seven - they're doing two one weekend) is certifiable."

Another quote from last September: "The hemorrhage of money is unbelievable. I know people told me this before I had a high schooler, but I didn't realize just how serious this problem would be. I don't think I would've believed them if they'd had the words to convey the reality to me. It's like this. Imagine your fingers representing your paycheck, after taxes. Now look at your pinky. Now imagine all the other fingers, and the top two sections of your pinky were cut off. See what would be left? THIS is what you have to live on until your next check. Oh, and by the way, the cupboard is bare and your mortgage and two car payments are due. Good luck."

Nice to know some things never change, ha ha. Seriously, although we are still hemorrhaging cash, at least we are a little better off this September there. Randy played the Toy Run again this year, like he did last September, among many other gigs. Funny, I don't feel like his playing helped us financially one iota, but my new job kind of took up the slack there.

Ah, but then life got really interesting.

I missed Granny today, when I thought, she knows how I feel. But she can't tell me now.

I woke up this morning in a terrible mood, & nothing seemed to go my way. The dishes were piled high when I got out of bed. There was trash on the floor, & the trash can was overflowing, & there were no trash bags in the kitchen. (There were some in the garage, though!) It rained so the drive stunk. Work went okay. In fact, after lunch, things did seem to go somewhat smoother, but if they'd gotten any worse than they were at 12:30, I would've thought God hated me.

Today, we learned why Mom's been in so much pain. I don't think I can forget the look on her face when she came out of that room. I have never seen that much sadness on her face. But like I told her, at least now we know why, & now they can treat her. They are trying something different this time - a hormone therapy. Hey, in six months she could be out doing everything she wants to do again & making me look like an old lady.

Hopefully.

I do feel a lot older this September than last. I can't explain that. Oh, sure, I'm 40 now. I have tons more energy, thanks to the CPAP, but I kind of like I did one day in college, when I got a stomach virus while I worked at the daycare. When I threw up, I had to clean it up. Nobody was there to take care of me. We didn't even have a janitor to do it. That was the day I realized - I was the grownup now.

I'm fortunate - I still have my dad, & my mom, & my granddaddy. But now it is my turn to be strong. That makes me feel old. Daddy calls me & asks me about Granny's stuff. I haven't talked to Granddaddy yet. Oh, that's going to be hard for him to take. I am glad it wasn't me who had to tell him.

So keep us - especially Mom - in your prayers. Also, if anyone knows of any assistance programs we could apply for, please let me know. Mom has been working, but she's not going to be able to do that anymore for a while - possibly not ever. I mean, they probably can't hold that job open for that long. I don't want Mom to have to worry about money.