Remember that song? "Macarthur Park"? Donna Summer recorded it, and before that...I can't remember who did that one & don't feel like getting up & finding the Billboard book to look it up. We taught Rachel to sing that in a lusty, operatic voice when she was about two. Maybe four. Anyway, it's been raining here (finally!) & it just came to mind.
The neighbor was devastated. I think, by our message left in grief and shock, he thought we blamed him, & we did not. We went to his house to tell him so. I had told him he wouldn't need to come more than 3 or 4 times while we were gone. I think he came twice, maybe three times. I can't say I knew Smokey would die while we were gone, but I worried about him. Rachel had said, "Mom, if something happens, Jessie will call." He wouldn't have known to look for Smokey if he didn't come out.
Smokey was old. He was feeble, & didn't eat good, but he was still climbing on cabinets - he climbed into the bathroom sink for his last little nap. My heart is still breaking. I just miss the little guy. I would’ve had a houseful of kids, if I could have. Of course, I nearly died the first time & had a lot of damage after the second, & a third one might have killed me…so if I‘d had it my way I probably wouldn‘t be here. So my pets have helped to fill the void. Smokey was my lap cat, usually curled up in a ball when I sat here in front of the computer.
Obviously having pets is not like raising little souls into grown responsible people - I'm not insinuating that the loss is like that. If anything, I feel this grief & feel immense pain for those who have lost a child, because this is only a tiny taste of pain compared to that.
I am ready to laugh, but I'm still haunted by the pain & still so easily moved to tears. I feel crummy because my vacation is over & I already need another one. I couldn't relax when we were in Florida. I was too caught up worrying. I worried about money, when God tried to tell me not to. I hated lying around in the condo watching TV with the kids instead of getting out & seeing Sarasota & Siesta Key. I felt depressed because I didn't bring a good book to read & couldn’t have decided what to buy anyway
I DID sit in Books-A-Million & read most of a book. It was a prosperity gospel book, & while that’s not usually my thing, I do believe that God's riches will meet our needs. I also believe that we're supposed to be content. But I am not immune to worrying about those things. And I probably believe more now than ever before. For most of my adult life I have tried to take care of everything financial on my own, & I have done a pretty bad job of it. So, reading about trusting God to open doors really helped me strengthen my belief.
After reading that I felt led to believe that God would help me with several burdens I have brought to Him lately. I'm stepping out in faith here, to say that I believe...
- By Christmas we will be financially able to give thoughtful & generous gifts to all our family & friends with whom we exchange gifts. I may still fight the bargain hunting crowds on “Black Friday,“ but I won’t have to skimp.
- By next summer, we can go on a relaxing family trip without worrying about whether we can pay bills when we get home. I would LOVE to sing at a festival or something somewhere...& enjoy the trip with my family. So if you are planning a Southern Gospel singing in the Washington, DC area sometime in the summer of 2008, just reply in the comments here!
- Finally, by next summer I am going to be thinner. But I‘m not going to go into details here.
When I got back to work on Monday, our business manager informed me that I would be getting vacation pay. I started out part-time & gradually my hours have grown, & gradually my benefits have too. It was really more than I dreamed I would ever have. Vacation pay was icing on the cake. And proof that God really IS helping me.
I know a few weeks ago I was worried about my relationship with Randy, but he has certainly gone above & beyond the last few days. I won’t go into all that now…but he’s done laundry, helped me with cats, buried Smokey (took care of everything in my inability to deal with it), taken care of getting Derek to the dentist, picked up Rachel from the library…& never complained. If he can still stand me, I think I've got quite the catch.
Anyway, I have written a book tonight, & now it's time for me to get ready for bed. I have to find something to laugh at first. Till next time!!!