Behind Closed Doors

I haven't blogged in awhile because...well, I just haven't made the time to write a lot lately. I started this post this morning. Then I re-thought the whole situation & now it's midnight - the next morning & I'm working on it again.

Life is busy, as usual.

This month I finally got an iPod & so far, the song I have played most has been "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich.

I liked this song when I was a kid. I wonder how much of it I understood, when I was six years old. Did I know what he meant when he said "She makes me glad that I'm a MAN!"? I wonder. But I knew it was something like "She's A Lady." I knew I wanted to be not just a woman, but a lady when I grew up.

I could go into all this, why this song in particular has been the one I've played over and over ad nauseum. And by the way, I always have one of those at any particular time in my life. A few months ago it was "Can't Fight This Feeling." Before that it was something else. My hair is longer now than it used to be, so sometimes I put it up...and behind closed doors, I let my hair hang down. But that's not why I like it. It might be what makes me think of it more often.

This made the fourth week I worked at the new place. I have liked it far more than I thought I would. I really didn't see that coming. I just realized I haven't written about that at all. Wow.

It has been wild. At first, when I was training, I cried a lot. I mean, a LOT. Then I actually did it on my own a few days, & I was OK with it. And after about a week, well, I was glad things happened the way they did. And after two weeks, I was sure it was for the best. I miss my old job. I loved it. But I like the new place too. I have a lot more autonomy and it is a lot closer to home. I may not be getting quite as good of a package, but it is nice to have more free time. I had a tough day today, but it wasn't awful. It was better than sitting at home wondering if Vanderbilt was ever going to call me back. Which they haven't.

It has been a tremendous change, going to a place where I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am making things better. I may not ever be appreciated for that by my employers, but, I think the patients appreciate it. And, just for that alone, I feel much more valuable. Just about every day, at least one patient - sometimes more than one - hugs me, or tells me they had a good experience. Some days I will see a patient I scanned a few days ago & they will say something nice about their test. I hope they are telling the doctors that too. I try to make the patients feel as good as some of them make me feel. So far, it seems to be working.

It has its moments. I cut my thumb open yesterday with a razor, getting ready to prep a man's chest. In my old job, that wouldn't have happened because (A) we had shavers with a different type of blade, though they were trying to replace them when I left, and (B) I didn't have to prep most of my patients...though I did prep some of them so it could've happened there, I guess. On the other hand, in my old job I mashed a finger & cut my hand on a collimator, so you can get hurt anywhere. I had to spend 20 minutes getting put back together, with patients waiting. But as always, it worked out.

The rest of my life has been interesting too. It seems to be going by in a frenzied rush...sort of like the tornadoes that seem to hit on a weekly basis in this area.

A few weeks ago Randy's fraternity was re-chartered at APSU & we got to see some of our old buddies from college. That made me do some thinking...as did a picture a friend put on Facebook...as did a chance encounter with an old acquaintance, & then a second chance encounter with that acquaintance a few days later. I remembered a lot of things from our younger days that I have missed a lot since we grew up & changed. For instance, I used to love going to functions when Randy worked at The Messenger. I don't know if I realized it at the time...I probably dreaded getting ready, I was probably nervous about going, but I have great, great memories of those dinners. And since he left there, he hasn't worked anywhere I got to do that kind of socializing. Once or twice a year we have dinners with Jostens people, and I do like those. But it is so rare.

When we were young, I used to like going to see Randy play because his band played clubs where a lot of people would go: college friends, family members, his co-workers, you name it. That fell by the wayside too. Now, if his bands play out, they're in biker bars, and I'm not really comfortable there. (Though the Bikers Who Care Christmas party I went to was great!) Most of the time his bands just get together & practice, then they sit around & play cards or watch a race or game or something. I am not a part of this scene. I spend most of my weekend nights here at the house doing nothing.

This has always been a source of friction for me & Randy. His friends are mostly single, or divorced...few have girlfriends. When they get girlfriends, the girls keep them out of that circle. I don't particularly want to hang out with single women on the weekends. It is nothing personal. I just feel like I'm the only one not looking for a date, or who has to get home to the kids. It makes me wonder if Randy's buddies are looking for dates too. (If they are truly at some guy's house playing cards, probably not.) If I weren't married to Randy, I wouldn't be out trolling in some bar looking for a date. I seriously don't think I would have to, but if I did, I'd rather go sit at Borders & read for my own personal pleasure! Or sing Karaoke at Talents!

Truth be told, I LIKED the hobnobbing. I liked being the lady who was leaving with Randy! I liked the feeling that he was proud to be seen out with me in places like that. I don't necessarily have to be the most beautiful woman there, or by any means the most important one. I just want to be there, & for Randy to be proud to have me there. For a long time, that has been missing. I used to think I looked too frumpy & it didn't matter. But now, I don't feel all that frumpy anymore & by golly, I want him to be proud to be with me. So stay tuned. We will see how this pans out.

Mom's hanging in there, not getting any better really (I am a medical professional. Please don't tell me she's not going to get better. I know how this works. I also know people who have lived with this disease for a long time.) but, considering all, it is nothing short of AMAZING that she has been able to work as long as she has in her job as a school cafeteria worker. I think she would've liked to have been off work more, but at the same time, she didn't WANT to quit. But the time has come that she needs to quit her job. Hopefully, this will allow her to use her strength to feel better, instead of to get by. It is a tough time for her.

Rachel's job situation isn't good. Her hours have been cut. I hate this because we go to church with her boss, and Sunday is Easter, of course, so we will have to see her. But losing my job, though it seemed like the end of the world, has opened new doors for me, and maybe this change will do the same for Rachel.

I thought about saying something crazy, like publicly asking the church to donate money for Rachel's trip to Costa Rica because she was getting her hours cut...but I have more class than that. I am not going to be mean. Like I said, it wasn't bad for me in the long run, so it might be good for Rachel too. Besides, we've just about got this trip paid for anyway.

Longtime Channel 4 news anchor Dan Miller died this week. He's been a fixture in Nashville news. He will be missed, especially by his family. I understand he was a great dad.

Well, that's enough for now, I guess.