Thursday, December 29, 2016

I'm only human... of flesh and blood I'm made...

I don't know why I've had this song on my mind today, but I looked it up and it was released in August 1986.  I associated it with college, and I guess that's why... that was right before my 2nd year at APSU.  I think if I ever write my Rhonda/Tony/Steve/Robbie story, and I'm sure I will, that song would be really good because the way it happened was that Rhonda and Tony were separated in the summer of 1985, and that was when Steve (or Allen Sinclair, or something) came to the house and Robbie came along about 7 or 8 months later, in the winter of 1986, after Rhonda and Tony had gotten back together.  That was, of course, before Rhonda and Sonny Stevens hooked up - what a weird match that was - and then she and Tony got back together again.

Reconciliation was a theme in several of my stories. My parents didn't get divorced until I was well into my 20s. Actually, I think I was closer to 30, but I try not to remember. I have always had a really good memory, but I'm starting to lose whole pieces, entire chunks of my past.  I need to start writing more, and yet, I feel like I write all the time.  I have many, many, many old fictional stories as well as true history to tell, and I feel like I'm running out of time to tell my tales.  Will I die before I get all my stories out there?  SHOULD I get all my stories out there???

I'm not sure I should try and publish all my stories (haha, really, I probably shouldn't publish any of them), but I definitely want to put them all down.  Maybe someone will enjoy them someday.  At least all my characters.  I don't write too many more characters but the two I've developed in the past year or so, in the time since I saw a certain picture at a certain school where I used to substitute, are some of my very favorites and in my opinion, two really good characters.  I'm ready to do more work in that area. I'd always hoped that someday I would be able to write and garden and do more fun stuff than work all the time.  Now I don't have much choice.  I need to work for the money, while I'm still mostly able to do so, but full-time nuc med work is hard to find these days in Nashville. Every job I apply for gets taken by some fresh-out-of-school kid who doesn't require as much money, but though I make more hourly, I don't make more overall. Subbing is terribly hard on me, mentally and physically, for the small amount that I make. I need to do more nucs but I really can't create more demand for that.  I knew what I was getting into when I went there, and I thought I could make enough on the side to make it work out.  But subbing doesn't really give me the amount of joy I thought it would. I just don't have the stamina to keep up with the little ones and the bigger ones give me headaches.

Honestly, I think the time has come for me to spend my days off working on the house and creating a balance between home and health and working and writing, something that will be sort of an investment for the years to come mentally, physically, and financially.  I wish I could go back and start all over in a lot of ways and financially probably most of all.  I don't regret some of the foolishness in which I've "invested" - Avon was a lesson and really should've been the lesson to end all lessons, but I had to get "robbed" one more time before that lesson sunk in - but I do wish I'd wasted less and invested more.  All the money I've spent on cell phone coverage and packages and gas for cruising and fast food and ice cream and interest on credit cards and late payments and Lord only knows what other fees... just because I have had no balance in my life.  All things in moderation, it's in the Bible and also something I believe to be the "gospel" truth, and yet I am so human.  I screw up every day.  Why does "bad" food taste so good?  Why does the grass look greener on the other side?  Why do we abuse our bodies so?  Why does alcohol feel so good when it's destroying our livers?  Why does sugar taste so good when it's destroying our entire bodies?  Why do we want what we can't have?  Because we're only human. 

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