Wednesday, April 24, 2013

And I can't get it out of my head...

I'm sure I've used that title before... but tonight I'm using it because I don't want my title to be "Look at that new Toyota!"  That's the commercial that gets into my head every single time I hear the stinking thing.

Life's been busy, busy, busy lately.  Nothing too exciting, just the usual day-in, day-out to-dos of a high school teacher with a husband, two adult children, a house, three vehicles (until October when the old car gets signed over to the boy), and lots of side jobs to make extra money.  I've done such cool things as proctor the ACT, teach CPR at the hospital, pick up a home health aide job, and selling antiques.  Oh, and we can't forget church!

My mind is somewhat full of... well, I wouldn't call it fear... I guess I'd call it anxiety.  I'm not exactly anxious either, but I wouldn't call my feelings excitement or wonder or curiosity because those terms sound like something you're looking forward to.  I'm not looking forward to getting my lab results.  The last few lab results have not been good, although the ultrasound wasn't bad.  With my WebMD degree (and undoubtedly thorough knowledge of the subject, sad to say) I have diagnosed myself with leukemia.  Not sure what kind though.  

You can laugh now.  I mean, don't we all get that feeling from Internet diagnoses sometimes?

I am not sure why I have enlarged lymph nodes and elevated WBC counts that were high even before the lymph nodes began growing and I don't feel like I have any infection and apparently I've had one for over a month.  I'm also not sure why I have some other things going on... I'd rather not get into all that... but let's just say that it wouldn't surprise me if that is, indeed, what's up.  Genetically, I don't have the best shot.  I had genetic testing for BRCA a few years ago at Mom's doctor's insistence and while I was clear for BRCA I had all kinds of leukemia genes.  This didn't surprise me.  Mom has had two maternal uncles who had it, one who died at 18 and one who was diagnosed at around age 49.  He is still living today at age 72.  She also had a cousin who had it on her dad's side of the family and died at around age 16.  So genetics haven't been very kind to me in that respect.

On the other hand, I danced around in the pep rally today like I had no worries at all, and all the energy in the world.  I came home, ate dinner, and took a nap.  Now I'm about to crash for the night.

So for the next four days I get to live like I'm dying while I wait to find out what's really going on.  We shall see.  Meanwhile, I am not living in fear.  I'm just waiting.

No comments: