Saturday, October 23, 2010

C'mon, get happy!

I keep telling myself that. I love the way people say we can choose the life we want to live. Well, I chose some of it but I didn't choose all of it! Most of us don't choose when we lose a loved one, or a job, or when a chronic illness descends upon us or a loved one. I've had all of those happen to me in the last few years. I sure as heck didn't choose them.

There was one thing I didn't choose, 20 months ago, that has been the turning point. I will admit there have been bad choices I have made in the shadow of that event. Before I made those choices, I was unhappy too. Still, there is no way to deny that the last 20 months have been the most difficult and demanding of my life...and though a couple of bad things would have happened regardless, the biggest part of what has made it difficult wouldn't have happened IF IT HAD BEEN UP TO ME.

But I am tired of being bitter. I am tired of having chest pain, crying every day, and feeling overwhelmed by the hand I've been dealt, which, at times, seems to be cruel and unusual punishment. Most of the time I do not think, I am mad at the world because I got laid off. Because, though that was the point in my life that changed everything, that's not why I am mad at the world. I am mad at the world because I worked hard and tried to do a good job where I was, only to lose my job and have to take a humiliating step back to a toxic job environment, which I tried to escape by going into teaching, which is the most overwhelming, physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing profession I know (though I'm sure it could be a lot worse). I don't have a cakewalk job. I put in twice as many hours for half the pay, and I'm tired, constantly, so tired. I don't have time to be writing this!

I have to go. More later.

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