Sunday, February 22, 2009

it's just emotion that's taken me over

Today I am just overwhelmed, filled with emotions. I think Barry Gibb wrote this song:
In the words of a broken heart, it's just emotion that's taken me
over, tied up in sorrow, lost in my soul.

Some are good. Some are bad.

I feel disappointed that I could have to start all over working toward the five year mark to get the hospital's tuition benefit for my kids, and I might have to completely give that up.
That makes me angry. Yes, I made financial mistakes when I was younger but this job was "supposed" to be my "redemption."
I feel sad that I have to tell my 16-year-old daughter that our last hope for getting her through college just dried up. She just got the disappointing news that she didn't get into the summer program she was hoping would land her a good scholarship. Now, not only will she miss out on the two years of tuition assistance I thought I'd get, my income is dropping, even if they call me back.
I feel scared facing the future with such a shaky financial structure. What will I have to give up?
I feel relieved to know it's me. The waiting is over.
I feel excited that I COULD find something I would like better.
I feel bitter that I might have to start taking call again, while people who haven't taken call in 15 years won't. I've paid my dues. Two or three times, compared to some people.
I feel a little giddy that I'm going to get some paid vacation time (aka "severance pay") out of this.
I feel guilty that I feel any joy in this.

I feel a lot of things. But those are the recurring themes.

I just wanted to write that down. I needed to get it out of my system.

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