Let me tell ya that it... HURTS SO BAD

I've written about my health and constant, chronic pain before.  Today, it is reaching new heights.  I slept about 3 hours, then I woke up to go to the bathroom and then I was hitting that period of the morning where different alarms go off every so often, my attempt at keeping my body waking up at around 5 AM when I go back to work tomorrow.  So I was in serious pain when it was time to get ready for church, and I decided not to go.  I didn't really want to miss church, but I sure didn't want to stand in the choir loft (or in the congregation) or sit in the pews while my feet were aching like sore teeth.

If you want to think I'm Miss Cheerful and never complain about anything... stop reading now, because it's gonna get hateful in here.  I hate dealing with chronic pain.  When I was in 3rd grade, I got to know a girl who was diabetic and I wanted to learn all about her.  I was a little jealous because she had a mid-morning break when she went to the teachers' lounge and my suspicion was that she had a snack (I was usually hungry before lunch so this seemed positive) and had to test her sugar... which was all by urine at the time, no sticking.  I thought it was a built-in diet trick to always drink diet sodas, I thought that would keep her from being a fat adult. (It didn't. She's not huge, but has never been thin.)  That was very important to me at the time. She did have to get insulin shots, but they didn't seem to bother her like shots bothered me. I thought, the worst thing that can happen is that old people with diabetes sometimes lost toes, and I wasn't sure why that happened, but her 11-year-old toes seemed to be in decent shape.  I also thought if shots were the worst thing... well, let me assure you, they are not.

The neuropathy started sometime around November, 2008.  I'd been diabetic for at least 2 years before that, and it wasn't too long after my diagnosis.  I was insulin resistant for many years, since at least 1985 and probably a few years before.  I thought it was just a genetic thing, most of my mom's family dealt with it.  I didn't realize what that was doing to my body, and I didn't realize that the way I ate was making it worse.  I had gestational diabetes in my first pregnancy, and though I didn't the second time, I did have a nine pound baby that time - both risk factors for developing diabetes later in life.  Even that didn't scare me.  I thought because I had low blood sugar that I wouldn't become diabetic, just like I couldn't starve myself because my sugar would dip too low.  Honestly, if my blood sugars hadn't been so wild, I probably would've been anorexic because food was always the enemy.  But I'd let them drop too low and then stuff some carbs down to get me through.  Carbs couldn't be too bad, right?  After all, they were low in fat and fat was the problem, right?  I ate more complex carbs, like pasta and potatoes, because they weren't simple sugars like candy that would run through me quickly.  I began to realize that I could eat sugars IF i ate something with protein first, so I did.

When I was diagnosed, I thought if I took my meds, I could still eat what I wanted, within limits.  I didn't really want as much sweet stuff, but I did still like it.  I thought I would never be able to cut carbs out completely, and I was eating so much less sugar than I used to, but eventually, they had to stop one of my medicines because of the liver function tests going haywire, so I just gave up and threw all caution to the wind.  For a year or so I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it.  Eventually I did attempt to cut out carbs, and I'm still pretty good at that, but I do eat some.  Like I had a hot dog, and instead of carb-laden side dishes, I had - sit down - a BUN!  Oops. Flag on the play.  The touchdown will not count.

I've been thoroughly disappointed with the inability of modern medicine to cure my pain.  Doctors say, "You've got to have better control of your sugar."  I'm like, it's 3:00 pm and all I've had all day was a protein shake that says it contains 25 carbs.  How could my sugars be high because of that?  So why are they hurting? Well, lots of things can make them hurt... but only keeping my sugars low is the only relief I can get???

I would try medical marijuana, but I live in a non-legal state.  I'm told my state representatives share the Attorney General's belief that marijuana leads to harder drugs.  I went to college.  I tried "weed" back in the day.  I never did any stronger drugs, and I was offered cocaine more than once.  For the record, I didn't try marijuana the first few times it was offered either.  I guess I did do "harder" drugs at times... I had morphine after surgery.  Once in awhile I'd have a prescription for an opiate, when I had broken bones and migraines and toothaches.  The medicine would help with whatever pain I was in at the time, but that wasn't because I smoked pot in college.  I could understand how people got hooked on opiates, because after surgery, it was a little scary to think about the pain without the drugs, but I was able to go longer and longer without them and substitute Tylenol for doses during the day until I could easily wean off the "hard stuff."  Nowadays I can't even get the doctors to write me a prescription for pain medicine, because it's taboo to prescribe opioids.  Oh, and by the way, I live in the number one opiate-prescribing state according to this study.  Not surprising, considering we are a long way from a medically-legal marijuana state.  I think in a few years our neighbor Arkansas will have it.  That's only three hours from me... certainly not convenient for moving.  Oh, if Kentucky would allow it, I'd probably move the 13 miles due north for that.

So i am left to my own devices to drown out the pain.  I'm gonna try turmeric.  Hell, what do I have to lose?  I go to bed terrified of what the next day is going to bring.  I have no guarantee that a night's sleep will allow me to wake up feeling energetic and pain-free.  (Occasionally, it happens.)  If I have to work, will I be miserable all day?  Maybe I'll have a good day and it'll feel better.  But after I stand a lot, what will my night be like?  If I can't sleep, I'm guaranteed a day of intense pain.  I have to check all the boxes:  a good night of rest, all medications taken on time, all meals at the correct time (which doesn't happen often in my work), no carbs (even on Christmas! Diabetes doesn't take a holiday), a good balance of sitting and standing and walking (something else I can't always control in my job).  Now, who among us can check all those boxes every.single.day?  Maybe I am a loser because I screw up on that list on a pretty regular basis.  Then there are the matters none of us can control, such as weather.  Did we get a cold front?  Count on extra pain.  Rain?  Probably.  But it's the way I eat that's the problem.  RIGHT.  Too cold in the room?  Better cover those feet, but socks are usually too tight, exacerbating the pain.

It's a vicious cycle.  Sleep late and take meds late?  Ouch.  Work to make money and, let's face it, to keep me on my feet... and pay for it later with sleepless nights.  It's driving me insane.  I've tried B-6, B-12, biotin, evening primrose oil, alpha-lipoic acid, multi-vitamins, Metanx, and using a TENS unit... ice, heating pad, more water, liquor, prayer (begging), and acupuncture.  While the latter can be helpful, it can also be useless. I've experienced more movement after a treatment, but also experienced more pain after one too.

If I get a lot of negative comments on today's post, I'll just shut down the comments on it.  So, if you have a suggestion (like the many who say, just eat less, just exercise more... ha, let me put you into my day and see how YOU do), let your words be nice and sweet, for later they may be words you'll have to eat.

I'm not Lisa. My name is Julie.

My name is not Julie.  Nor was the woman's singing this song - that would've been Jessi Colter, the undeniably hot wife (now widow) of Waylon Jennings.  My really pretty stepsister looks a lot like a young Jessi, to me.  Yes, I am a little jealous - Jessi was hot, but also extremely cool.  Still is, really.

That link will take you to a YouTube video of her singing on "Hee Haw" and, of course, if you know me, you'll know I've written a bunch of stuff about that show.

I didn't start this post with the intention of writing about Jessi Colter.  I wanted to write about someone named Julie, Julie London.  She was another hot but extremely cool lady.  Yes, I really AM heterosexual.  I promise.  But when you're a kid, you often admire the beautiful women in your life and in front of you on the TV.  I haven't forgotten this!

With this sort of mindset, the other morning I was fighting the urge to go back to sleep.  The night before, I'd been up late and I read the IMDb profile I linked above, and I thought, I really need to watch some "Emergency."  So that morning when I was dragging, I thought, "What would Dixie McCall do?"  Dixie, of course, was the name of Julie's character, the unflappable, consummate ER nurse who was, in my humble opinion, perfect for the job.  She stood up for others, whether they be the patient or a co-worker, whenever necessary.  She offered a listening ear or a hand to hold.  She was efficient and professional, caring and yet direct.  She was smart and always knew what to do.  I still want to be Dixie when I grow up.

What would Dixie have done that early morning?  Why, she'd have gotten up and made a pot of coffee and gotten down to business!  I could've made a pot of coffee, but I've been drinking tea more lately.  I had a jug in the kitchen, so I poured myself a big glass and got on with my day.  I had an observation that day.  I don't know yet how it went (my meeting is tomorrow) but I felt cool, calm, unflappable, and interesting.  I created a meme and put it on my desktop both at home and work, and even printed a copy for my desk at work:

You may copy it... I don't remember where the picture came from either so I deserve no credit.  It's good to have it.  I sat down here awhile ago and I saw that picture and I thought... Dixie would sit here and do her lesson plans!

Of course I sat here and wrote this post instead... but I'll get to work on those lesson plans right away.  I just had to share this with my "fans."  (tee, hee... these probably never get read!)

Come fly away, let's fly, let's fly away...

Are you familiar with the FlyLady?  I have been a fledgling off-and-on for awhile.  I don't usually like adhering to a "system" unless it's something I've designed myself (for example, I go through my list every morning - I made it up one summer when I was having a hard time getting up at a "decent" hour and getting ready to go anywhere - for some reason I have no problem remembering "Tea, hair, meds, dress, teeth, eat, phone.").  So, I've struggled with sticking to the FlyLady system too.

A lot of people who know me probably think I am fairly organized.  Most of them might be surprised if they came to my house and saw it in the pigsty condition in which it usually stays.  Many things have contributed to this.  It started when I was working part-time at NorthCrest and I felt guilty because I didn't have my house clean all the time.  Well, I guess really it started before that.  I was "born organized" as FlyBabies say, but when I started dating Randy I discovered that one could survive while flying by the seat of the pants (Not to be confused with "FLYing.") not just where cleaning is concerned but in many other ways as well.   A few years later I wanted to fill my house with more little ones - so I ended up with 3 cats and a dog - and my house got messier and messier.  Then my health started interfering, where I couldn't stand up for long periods of time.  And somewhere in there my work schedule started interfering too.  Not only was I working at home just to keep up, I was taking online classes... and of course I had to rebel and do nothing to "relax."

So the house is a wreck.

I REALLY want to clean it up and post pictures of before and after.  I am not sure I want people to know how bad it is, but maybe once I get it under control I'll be okay with it.  One challenge I have is that it's kind of like catching up on your laundry or your dishes or for us teachers, catching up all the grading... just because you get it completely clean (or caught up) doesn't mean you never have to clean it again.  It's a constant job; it never really ends.  The FlyLady system has a lot of built-in routines to address this issue.  I am going to try it again.  Now if this works I will have to write another blog entry about self-discipline and the Word of God... but more on that later.

you might think I'm delirious...

Oh, it was back in the day.  Way, way back in the day... a lot of water's gone under the bridge since then - the Prince Green bridge, or its predecessor, which I hit in my big old land barge Catalina - and I am reliving it tonight on Facebook.  I heard this song the other day and I would've posted on Tim Horn's wall how this reminded me of going to Ridgecrest, but I had posted a link to "PYT" on Tim's wall the day before and God knows I don't need anybody thinking I'm fooling around with somebody because I posted songs from 1984 on their Facebook wall.

I normally don't like to think about 1984 much, and especially not this time of the year and now, my baby is starting HIS senior year and I know exactly how many years it's been (do the math!  there's a teacher answer for you).  But for some reason, this year has mellowed my memory of 1984 and I can deal with the ugly memories... most of them anyway.  The ones I don't like to remember are the ugly ones caused by me.  The other not-so-pretty memories, well, they are what they are and at least I still have them.

Summer's about over for me.  We had open house at school tonight.  Down here in the extremely hot South we send our kids back to school in the heat of August so we can spend a ton of money on air conditioning (and believe you me, we need our air conditioning in our schools without windows).  It gets earlier and earlier too, although I will say that the August 7 start date is a few days later than the August 4 start date we had my first year in our neighboring county to the east-northeast.  Usually, we get out in mid- to late- May and that makes coming in from bus duty soaked with sweat a little more worthwhile.

Every year I say I'm going to be a little tougher than I was the year before, and every year I end up being a pushover.  I don't want to be meaner than I ought to be, but I don't want to be a pushover, either.  I'm praying and honestly, at the moment, I feel like I'll be all right.  I know I can make it.  I know I can handle it.

I do know that one thing I need to do, in order to make it, is to go to bed and get some well-deserved rest.

SI... oh, who cares. When you close your eyes, do you dream about me?

Do you remember this song?  I do.  Does it have any significant meaning for today's post?  Well, it has a significant meaning for today.  I woke up early this morning, dreaming about someone from my past.  And in my dream I must have been watching something that would have happened 25 plus years ago and I said, "It's all right.  One day he is going to realize what he's missed out on and it's going to be too late."


And he did.  


And it was.  


And now I have these dreams from time to time and sometimes they worry me because back in the day I would dream about him two nights in a row and find out that something had happened, like his grandmother died, and there was something else, but I don't remember what.  Maybe when his aunt died, I don't know.  I didn't have a premonition about his mother, I can tell you that.  Well, I did in a way... a few months before she died I dreamed about him and wondered.  Nothing specific though.


I am still working on improvements (cleaning, specifically) and starting tomorrow (it's a holiday weekend) I'll go back to working on something for school every day, or every weekday at least.  I'm trying to do healthy things for myself too and I'm learning about herbs again.  I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I have toyed with the idea for a long time, but yesterday I was talking with my mom about... of all things, medical marijuana. Now, we didn't get into the whole, "This could be good for you," thing.  Nothing that deep, of course; it was more speculation on whether someone we know from a state where medicinal use is legal has a prescription.  She says no but this person is using it illegally.  I said maybe he or she is, maybe he or she is not, but if this person is using it, he/she very likely has an rx.  Mom didn't think this person had the financial resources to get a prescription.  It was at that point I stopped arguing with her because... well,  there comes a point in family arguments/discussions where tensions and voices are raised and motives are questioned (and you really do not want to know what motives have been questioned in the past).  We had not come to that point yet and I didn't think it was worth going there.  And somehow my thought process came around to what would I do if I couldn't teach anymore... I guess because the subject of our discussion is unemployed.  I thought, nuc med jobs are scarce everywhere, and if for some reason I couldn't teach, I'd want to move somewhere like Arizona and become a midwife or an herbalist or something like that.  I think another thought on my mind was what someone like Mom would do.  I don't know what she is going to do now.  I don't know how long she can keep her disability, her insurance, and all of that.  And how many people are out there who don't have insurance?  Who don't have treatments for diseases like cancer?  There's a lot to think about.


So is that what I need to do?  I don't think so.  I think teaching is the thing for me right now.  Someday it may not be, and when that happens, at least I know there are options out there.  

live like... you were dying???

The day Derek was born, I called our church (at the time). It was, after all, Wednesday evening and everyone would want to know. The young lady who answered the phone was a high school senior and the daughter of a couple who had made us feel so at home in our short time there. Now Derek is 17, and today that young lady's youngest son died at the age of 10, after fighting a brain tumor for over a year. I had hoped I would catch her to give her a cap Randy got. I'm sorry that I didn't get that cap to her and Andrew.

Shortly after I heard that, I read a blog post by a woman who has lost 200 pounds. It was called "45 Simple Actions to Start Losing Weight." One of the actions: "Deal with Stress." I'm not sure how to do that. I guess I need to figure that out. This woman wrote about the stress she had from her job. I know that feeling. Some days I hate it. This week, I'm trying to get everything done so I won't have to do it during Spring Break, next week. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to get everything in. I planned to go visit Billie and Andrew last weekend. I kept over-extending myself. I stayed too long at Mom's, then at Dad's, on Saturday. Not that I regret that, I don't regret visiting my parents at all... but then I was going to eat at a fundraiser with Randy. I then had to finish a transcription assignment that I didn't complete Friday evening, because I got a late start.

Then I had classwork to do before midnight Sunday night. Though I fooled around a little and napped on Sunday afternoon after lunch, I managed to get that done at a reasonable time. Then I didn't leave myself enough time to grade my students' work because when I got through with my classwork I played online Boggle for too long. I gave up Spider Solitaire for Lent and then turned around and started playing Boggle. I am not all that great at it, and last night I decided to give it up too.

Yesterday, a couple of students and I talked about that song, "Live Like You Were Dying." They didn't really get it. I said, you know, we shouldn't live our lives waiting for something to happen later. Live like you're dying doesn't mean lie in the bed waiting for the angels to escort you home. It means live now, instead of putting things off until later. I don't know if I adequately conveyed my feelings. But in the last two weeks, when so many people have died, it means so much more.

I started teaching in August of 2009 and in the whirlwind of never-ending work and the heat of that first classroom, I lost 13 pounds in 3 months. Since then I have put on almost 30 pounds. Oh, it varies from day to day. This morning it was actually 24.5 pounds. And in November 2008, I think I even weighed less than that Nov. 2009 weight. I hate that I've gained so much weight. I don't hate myself and I don't even hate my body, but I need to get in better shape because I want to be healthier. I know a great deal of my problem is stress. I come home, eat, and have to do more work before bed. Some nights (like tonight) I put off working until it's too late. I really don't waste a ton of time on Facebook, but I spend a lot of time looking for that elusive nuclear medicine job, or some other job that promises more money and more time to relax outside of work. Next thing I know, it's 10:30, I haven't read or relaxed, I'm depressed from not finding that "perfect" job, I've still got a sack full of ungraded work and piles of housework to do, and I need to get to bed.

I don't always work as efficiently as I should. Some days I write in my blog and spend 30 minutes on Facebook. I did a lot today and I could do a lot more. I could probably stay up all night. I stayed until 7:00 doing work and grading journals. I have two more classes of journals, posters to grade, and exams to grade. I'm going to bed. I need to start living again.

But I didn't want to turn this into a story about me. I wanted to say, we all need to live like we're dying. We need to live. We need to love. We may need to work too, but we can't keep putting off our lives, because the future isn't promised. Today is a gift and we need to be grateful for it.

But time makes you bolder, children get older, I'm getting older too

I haven't blogged lately, because although I've been busy, I haven't had anything profound to say. Now that Spring Break has arrived, here are some updates on the family.

The boy is now 16 and has his driver's license. I thought I was going to lose my mind...just knew he'd get himself or someone else killed the first time he pulled the Grand Prix out of the driveway...but a month of driving has been pretty uneventful. Unlike when his sister started driving, jobs for teens aren't aplenty around here, but we think he might get a decent summer job (if gas prices don't crash the economy again). They're about to crash OUR economy here in the CCRS household.

The girl is loving Lipscomb and social club (read: sorority) life. She has a date for the formal next month, and they seem to be enjoying one another's company. She, too, is on Spring Break, but right now she's sleeping in her room, and he's on a mission trip with one of our cousins. She's planning to go on a mission trip in June.

The CCRS (man of the house) is doing all right. It's his busy time of the year, so he's NOT on Spring Break with the rest of us. He's getting quite a lot of playing time these days, which is probably good because it helps him blow off steam, but sometimes I wonder if it doesn't just make his stress level increase because it's quite time consuming and really messes with his sleep schedule. Of course I know nothing so I don't bring this up.

I'm doing much better. Though the neuropathy is bugging me at the moment, overall it bothers me a lot less lately than it has in the last few months. I'm taking new meds & they've been a real answer to prayer. School's been going all right, though I'm struggling with feeling like I am boring & don't make exciting, engaging, thought-provoking lessons. As I type this, I feel a little stressed just thinking about it. I may be a tiny bit better at showing my backbone these days, but I have a ways to go. I struggle with what God wants from me. I want to do what God wants me to do, but sometimes, I wonder just what that is. I'm taking the Lay Speaker Course next month. I don't see myself becoming a pastor (PLEASE don't get me started on that) but someone suggested I take it since I DO sing in other churches and it might help with giving testimony and things like that. I think I get plenty of public speaking experience.

We've unfortunately filled this week with medical appointments; today D & I go to the optometrist, Thursday he goes to the orthodontist, and Friday I go to the doctor for a follow-up on all the lovely health conditions that seem to enjoy hanging out in my body. That's all right. I'd rather go on vacation when I have a week to clean house prior and a week to relax afterward - I guess I was meant to be a teacher after all. Yesterday I sang at the nursing home again. I always love that.

If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby

This song said it all in 1979.

I was 12 years old and madly, crazy in love with Tracey Evetts. He was two years older than me and I thought he was the most beautiful creature God put on this earth. He played baseball for my dad and he left his glove in the truck at the end of the season. I slept with it under my pillow for a year.

He had a blue bike and I had a red one. Our grandparents lived in the same neighborhood (and had for 75 years). From Tracey, I learned how to play "Galaga" because that game was at the grocery store. He knew I existed, but I'm sure he just thought I was a silly little girl.

In 7th grade, we had this unspoken agreement. When he got on the bus at the high school, he knew he had a seat next to me. I don't remember telling people not to sit there, but I must have let it be known that was his seat. He was a pest. I loved it, but I never let on. I still sort of liked him then, but by then, I was spending a lot of time on the phone with one of his buddies. As teenage "love" goes, his buddy thought I was a silly little girl, and had a crush on another girl.

In 9th grade I fell for him all over again. I don't really remember what went right, or what went wrong that time. I do remember Mom telling me she didn't know why I kept fooling with him, that he didn't care a thing about me, and that I could find someone who DID care about me. Tracey fell in love with another girl, and eventually they got married. Meanwhile, I dated several people, some who cared a lot, and others who really didn't. Most of them didn't pass muster with the parents either. I wondered if they ever thought they'd have been better off if I'd held out for Tracey. (Truthfully, looking back, I know my mom didn't. Don't know how Daddy felt though.)

A few years later, I got married too. One day we happened to be staying in the same place, with relatives at the lake, and he told me how impressed he was at what I was doing. It was nice.

Our lives went different ways. He got divorced. At that time, Randy and I were in Madisonville, having a baby. Randy and I hit a rough patch a little later, around the time we moved back to Tennessee. By then, he was married again, and they were having a baby. I only saw him once in all those years after that. He didn't quite look like the cute little boy who rode the blue bicycle...but then, I didn't look the same either. I couldn't hold that against him. He signed my guestbook on Classmates about 18 months ago. I thought that was nice.

All through these years I have loved those same songs I liked in 1978 and 1979. It was the music I loved when I was 12 years old, when life was fun, when I believed I would grow up to be pretty, and successful, and have everything I dreamed I would have. Good memories.

I loved living in my hometown. It's a good place. I live about 30 minutes from there now. You can live in town and walk to the store, or to school, or to the Post Office. You don't have to drive 5 miles to get a gallon of milk. If you do drive 5 or 6 miles, you can sit down and eat at any kind of restaurant or shop at any kind of store. (Of course, you only have to drive 10 miles for that here.) The best thing about it was that all my family was/is right there. I have often told people I miss those days when my parents and their friends would get together, and how the best times of my childhood were those neighborhood 4th of July parties and gatherings. Some people there still have those kind of get-togethers with their school buddies. I didn't know this until recently. I learned this when he died a little over 2 weeks ago.

I learned this on Facebook. It may sound superstitious, but I'll never check my Facebook during lunch on an "A" day again. It's a school thing - we have classes on alternating days. On A days my planning period is 1st; on B days it's last period. So...I have to plan for B days at the end of A days. I checked Facebook at lunch, didn't have a planning period afterward, left, distraught, at the end of the day and came in at the beginning of the next week on a B day for which I hadn't planned properly. No. I'll never do it again. I depend too much on my ability to plan for the next day, and I can't take a chance on being devastated at the end of the day.

It made me sad for his wife and his daughter. It made me thankful to have my sweet Randy. It made me feel old to think it has been that long - 30 years - since we rode the bus and he hit me with the two big nails he soldered together. It made me feel strange to realize that what I am now is all because of those days and the things I did then. It made me feel empty to think of all that I have missed living here, where I have nothing in common with my neighbors and my family's 30 minutes away and my kids don't go to school with the children of my classmates.

I have spent too much time on the computer when I should have been doing things with people. A lot of those times I was here because Randy was doing his own thing, either playing cards or playing music, and the kids were too little to leave alone, and I didn't have the money to pay someone to watch them while I did my own thing. Now they are bigger, and they don't need me as much as they did then. Rachel will be in college this time next year.

I've had a great life not living in Ridgetop. I've made a lot of friends over the years. I still see people from Ridgetop a lot. I get home often. (Probably not often enough!) In some ways, though, I've missed out on a lot.

This year has been particularly hard because it takes me 30 or more hours a week to prepare for the 40 I spend teaching, and after you count the 10 hours a week I spend commuting and the 10 I spend eating breakfast, showering, reading the paper, checking email, etc. every week, and the 56 I should spend sleeping, that only leaves 22 hours a week to do everything else. That sounds like a lot until you think of what all has to be done. Church is 2 or more hours a week. (I'm glad I became a Methodist! If I were still Baptist that would be more like 5 or 6 hours.) Going to Mom's takes 30 minutes each way, so if I visit for 2 hours, that's 3 hours total. That leaves 17 hours, divided over 7 days...meaning, I only have about 2.5 hours a day to relax and that's not really accurate because I have to do things like go to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. I'd like to work out more often, but that's 30 minutes each way travel time and 30 minutes of exercise. And, of course, I spend about an hour of my day on Facebook, but I do get a little social interaction out of that. It's no wonder I feel isolated, though.

I didn't make new year's resolutions this year. Today, though, Feb. 1, I am making new month's resolutions. In my journal, sometime around Jan. 1, I wrote that I need to be happy with the life I have. I do intend to do that. I also intend to start spending more time with my friends while I can.

Oooh, dream weaver...

Splain this one.

Early in the morning last Friday, the day I lost my job, I had a crazy dream.

I was standing at the corner just down the road, where my road meets the main highway, where kids wait for the bus. Well, I looked toward Nashville (where my old job is) & saw this white and black spotted pit bull running toward Clarksville, going just as fast as he could. This dog looked healthy and fit. He didn't look at anything around him, didn't stop to sniff people or road kill or anything, just ran as fast as he could.

He didn't even stop to sniff the other dog, the black, healthy looking pit bull that was running just as fast as he could from Clarksville to Nashville. Neither did that dog stop to sniff either the other dog or the human (me). He just ran as fast as he could!

If I ever have that dream again, I am going back to bed.

Earlier in the week I had dreamed about Granny Adcock. In that dream she was older than she was when she died - it was sort of like what she might've looked like had she lived a little longer. I saw myself in her. I used to be so sad when I dreamed about her, because they always reminded me that she was gone. Now I kind of like it - it's kind of like she's still here.

Make room for the new!

It has been a happy new year, so far!

Yesterday Mom got a good report! Hallelujah! God is good! She's still a long way from well, but I feel so much more hopeful now. It may take awhile but I feel good about how it's going.

Last night Randy played at a bar in Clarksville. They probably wouldn't appreciate me calling it a beer joint, but that's what it is. I went for one set & enjoyed listening to them. I always enjoy watching my baby out there playing his bass guitar. (all you who know me, you know how I am about those tall dark haired guys with guitars!) I know I was the only non-smoker in the place. I guess I am getting old but I can't take it like I used to. You wouldn't think I grew up in a family full of smokers. Mom never smoked, but my dad & all my grandparents used to. Granny Ione (the one who died in Sept.) quit many years ago. I didn't even know she ever smoked until years later. Dad's father smoked his entire adult life. Mom's mother quit a year before she died, from a totally non-smoking-related cause. Mom's dad quit over 20 years ago & is still around to tell you about it. We now have smoke-free holidays but when I was a kid, one had to go outside to get any fresh air. Now the smokers have to go outside!

So last night before I went to see Randy & then again after, I went to hang out with the youth who were having a lock-in at our church. Since I am old & had worked all day (& we had someone call in sick too, so I had a full day), I went home & slept in my bed last night. After I picked D up at 7 am, I came back to bed & slept until 11. I don't remember the last time I slept until 11! Around 1, I picked up Rachel from her friend's sleepover. Around 5, I took her to work on the movie the drama teacher is producing, then I picked up dinner for the guys & myself before coming home.

I was glad to get here too. It is cold & windy out. I am going back to the Bridge soon - hopefully next week. I wasn't in Nashville today or I'd have gone tonight. That wind makes me feel really bad for those folks. I wish I could give them all campers or something. Anyway, I am going back. I am kind of working on another music project too - more on that later.

Be sure you look at the YouTube videos listed to the right of the blog entries. I have added a few of my favorites. I watch some of them every day! I am also working on some changes on my main webpage. I even got on MySpace! Welcome to the 21st century!

It promises to be a good year! I'm still believing for that vacation & a slimmer body!

The waiting is the hardest part.

I believe I've used this title before. It's still true. Usually when there's something "out there" in the forseeable, not too distant, future, just waiting to see what happens IS the hardest part. Whether you're waiting to see what happens after a job interview, or wondering if you're going to bring another little soul into the world, or waiting for a bank loan to go through, there's a lot of anxiety. It can be "good anxiety," but it's nerve-wracking just the same. So while I am waiting for some things to transpire - could be a month or so before I know details I can share with everyone else - I'm trying to keep my mind busy.

My body will be busy today no matter what. Like I said yesterday, today I'm teaching in VBS for the first time since 2003. My body is not happy about this, as I have awakened with a stiff & sore left hip & lower back. My body may be protesting after I walked around a hospital wearing uncomfortable shoes, or because I spent a lot of time in the car going to Nashville & back, & to Clarksville & back, & to Ashland City & back, & to Clarksville & back, or because I sat in the floor at Books-a-Million watching crazy people walk around in costume last night, or because I had about six hours of sleep instead of a nice eight.

Totally changing the subject...Didja hear about my favorite driver, Sterling Marlin? He hasn't had a great year - or two, really - but he was planning to step back & race part-time once he finished out this year's contract. Well, he lost his ride this week in yet another typical NASCAR team move. Here's what Kyle Petty had to say. People used to race on a handshake & now even contracts are no good.

Well, I have to walk the dog, eat something & shower before I leave today, & at some point I have to get the kids going too! So I'm getting out of here for now.

Don't settle for anything less, be blessed!

Today's title comes from the Ivan Parker Southern Gospel song. As you know if you've been reading my blog, God's been working on me & I have really gotten into that kind of music.

As you also know if you've read my blog over the last couple of months, I have had to make some lifestyle changes because of a sleep disorder. Folks, if you think you might have sleep problems I cannot urge you fast enough to get that checked out. It has literally changed my life. My quality of life has improved 100 fold. I feel 20 years younger.

So now I am thinking I might finally be ready to lose weight. I would love to be skinny Minnie, but I'm going to take it slow. My first goal is to drop about 15 pounds permanently. I will still be really fat, but that will drop me below a milestone. Then maybe I will feel even better. And if I can manage that, maybe I can lose 15 more. . .& 15 more. . .& eventually after about 20 cycles of this I might weigh what I should based on my height! Seriously, if I did that once a year I would weigh my desired weight at age 46. Does that tell you how bad I need to lose weight? Well, I have to lose that first 15 first.

That's all for now.

I've got a mansion, just over the hilltop

And I can't wait to be there!!!

I started to name tonight's missive "nuts & bolts, nuts & bolts...". You know what comes next. If you don't...sorry. Ask a cheerleader.

I could use a cheerleader right now. Today has been a hard day. Work was stressful enough. Outside of work was stressful, too. Randy was home trying to get some work lined up for our plumbing. Randy & I don't do major plumbing or other major household repairs very well. By that I mean, not only do we not know beans about major problems, we don't emotionally handle those kind of problems well either. Give us a new surround sound or TiVo or computer network, we can handle that. We can scan your photos & mail them around the world. We can sing whatever you want to hear. We can produce musically talented younguns. But we can just barely plunge the toilet.

I really am not being fair when I say that. Randy can change a washer or even the sink or toilet itself. I can install washing machines. I can MacGyver my way into rigging together a toilet flush apparatus out of paper clips. I highly recommend a plunger for every commode in the house. And, as I said, Randy can even put in new toilets like a pro. But we are the dream customers for plumbers, because we will - left to our own devices - agree to pay whatever the plumber says we should. You say gold pipes are today's standard? Sure. They cost how much? Well, if we gotta have 'em.

My co-workers think I married an idiot. Well, I COULD sit back & compare husbands & get into vile name-calling, but I am gonna take the high road here. I didn't marry an idiot. As I said, he's a whiz at the wiring & sound stuff. And, he knows the difference in conjugating verbs & dangling participles. (Boy, has THAT been financially lucrative. Just like my knowledge of principles of accounting, identifying wildflowers, & comparing the vegetation of north- & south-facing slopes.) He's a good cook. He's a good daddy. He is a sweetheart who hung my new hammock, which I bought with my birthday money & immediately felt guilty about (turns out, though, the cost of the hammock is just a drop in the bucket, pun intended, in the grand scheme of the 21st century Watergate scandal). He hates me right now. I don't think there's anything I can say that would help that. I didn't tell him he was an idiot. He inferred it from what I said about my co-workers. And I didn't tell him everything they said. Nor did I tell them everything he said.

I am not going to say anything when he gets off the phone with his mama either. She's in there giving him names of plumbers too. When I did that I got lambasted. I don't hear him giving her down the road. (Honestly, though, I would worry if I did.) No, I am gonna take the high road here & NOT say, "See, even SHE thinks you could do better than that estimate you got." For all I know, he might've told her what a meanie I was, & THEN she went & got more numbers.

No, that's not what happened. She told her sister, who told her that we were getting reamed! & gave her a number for us to call. So she called to tell Randy, who felt more like an idiot.

Believe it or not, I can find things to be thankful for. It seems like a pipe dream to imagine moving out of this house & into something I might dream about. Unfortunately, I owe too much on this one & houses seem really, really expensive here to me. I found this article - America's 10 most overpriced housing markets - & believe it or not, I didn't find Clarksville, Pleasant View or even Nashville on the list!

Ten more things I'm thankful for, & then I have to get ready for bed.

1. My patients were all really nice today, &
2. All the stress tests went well.
3. I spoke to both my brothers - even the one who lives in NJ - today. And -
4. They're both doing fine.
5. I made it to Derek's band concert tonight just in time, & didn't even have to exceed the speed limit. much.
6. I am SO glad I have been using the CPAP. Without it, I wonder how I would be functioning right now.
7. I am SO glad I got rid of all those attempts at side businesses that sucked out a lot of my time & benefitted me very, very little. If I were still doing all that stuff, I wonder how much more of my time they'd be draining.
8. I am SO glad I got back into Southern Gospel music, because without the positive, upbeat messages I feed my mind, I would really be down & out right now.
9. I am SO thankful I won that mp3 player at the state nuclear medicine meeting 10 days ago, because it has kept me entertained & given me a lot more inspiration to sing!
and finally, though this might seem a little crazy...
10. I am SO thankful I read Vestal Goodman's biography, Vestal! this weekend, because I need all the inspiration I can get. And how they got money in miraculous situations - yes, Lord, I needed that.
Two more? Three? I got paid today. I have a check I forgot to cash from my grandmother. I also got a check for $50 from a prescription program Randy's enrolled in, where we get our copay back every month. And, they sent us next month's coupon too. Praise the Lord!

happy anniversary baby, got you on my mi-i-ind

Twenty years ago today Randy & I became a couple. Oh, wait a minute. That would be 20 years ago yesterday, now...it's officially 4/29 here. But it's 4/28 somewhere. Anyway, as is usually the case on anniversaries, only one of us is home - tonight it's me. Randy is being a Cheatham County Rock Star at one of his Cheatham County classmates' birthday party. The 40th. Yes, I know. It is rapidly - very rapidly - approaching. If the gap between this blog & the next is as long as the one between this one & the last, I'll be 40 when I blog again.

I went out & spent a bunch of money today buying shoes. It's sales-tax-free weekend, for clothing & school supplies anyway. (Here in TN we normally pay a rather exorbitant sales tax on everything, including food.) I was NOT the only person who had the idea to shop today. The mall was jam-packed. I won't go into all the horrible things I saw there - suffice it to say that when we finally made our purchase, I was good & ready to get out of there.

This week has gone by quickly & it has been somewhat eventful. I pulled some strings & got the results of my CPAP titration done a few weeks ago. I am waiting on the doctor's office to get me my very own machine with all the bells & whistles, but meanwhile I am using Randy's old one. I love the Internet. Using it, I learned how to reset the machine so it's on MY pressure instead of Randy's. I know some people hate the things & I do have my middle-of-the-night moments when I can't get comfortable with it, but the very next day I saw a huge difference, & I really see a lot of improvement already. The next morning on my way to work I not only didn't have to fight sleep, but I actually noticed things I'd never paid attention to before!!! Now, granted, I need to discipline myself to get enough TIME to sleep right now...that's my plan for TOMORROW night. Yeah, famous last words, I know. But tomorrow between morning church & evening church I will be here watching the Talladega race (Sterling starts 4th!!! First time in a long time he's been that close to the pole!!!) - hopefully for the whole thing - & that will be a good time to rest up - & maybe finish up my laundry before this rather eventful upcoming week.

One afternoon this week I got an e-mail from a fellow named Barry who went to school with me & as it turns out way back (at least 7 generations ago) there are some family connections. Now, where we grew up, I always heard most of us in Ridgetop & Greenbrier were "kin" but now I am starting to believe it. I couldn't believe all the names I recognized in his family tree. He's a descendant of one of the founders of Ridgetop. My family's been there for at least 7 generations (really, I think most of them were around before the town became a town). His ancestor married into one of the families I came from.

I used to be really into the collection of family history, but most of the time the present day takes most of my time & attention. And sometimes, the future does too. Truthfully, I started writing these things down & looking this stuff up because (1) I want the future generations of our family to have this information in case they need it & (2) I just have a lot of fun digging up old records, looking at old newspapers on microfilm, & stuff like that. Every now & then I might dig out a folder & look through, or if someone in the family passes away I might copy the obit or something, but I haven't done much serious searching in years. I suppose I got tagged the family historian because I spent a lot of time hanging out with my grandmother, who lived across the road from the old homeplace, & I knew all the old folks in the family when my cousins my age didn't. Anyway, this week I've corresponded with Barry a few times & have learned a lot I didn't know about that branch of the family. There's a lot to learn yet - though I am in no hurry, I kind of like getting more info as it trickles in. That way it's not boring. The best part about that has been catching up.

Wednesday night I went to a nuclear medicine educational meeting in Nashville after work - so glad I wasn't fighting sleep - & that gave me time to catch up with my friend Cindy. This coming weekend we have another nuc med meeting to go to, & that should be fun too.

Thursday night Rachel had a piano lesson, then on Friday she had a recital, which I baked about 100 pigs in blankets for. So, yes, it's been quite an eventful week. I am ever so thankful for the CPAP. It is definitely a blessing. No way I could've made it through 2 trips through the mall, a trip to my grandmother's in Greenbrier, shopping in Springfield, & doing some laundry here at home today without it.

Well, it is really, really late so I am gonna hit the hay - & the CPAP. More later, sometime, maybe.

It's a beautiful morning!

And, so I hear on NewsChannel 5, it's gonna be a beautiful day! In a way, all days are beautiful. I've been looking forward to a nice, sunny, comfortable day though. It's been too cool, or windy, or rainy, or something to be comfortable outside for a couple of weeks now. So I plan to get out there & enjoy this day.

I had a strange dream last night. I think it was brought on by being pulled in too many directions at once. That, & the fact that Derek forgot I was picking him up after school yesterday, so he rode the bus home. Meanwhile, I was at the school with smoke spewing out of my ears because I couldn't get to the elementary school in time to meet the bus because the traffic is SO bad in Pleasant View in the afternoons. I had plans to take him to a store in Ashland City before picking up the dog at 4:30 in Pleasant View, but I had to go the 8 miles in the opposite direction to the house. Well, things worked out. When Randy got home, he took Derek shopping (which is something I hate to do anyway), & Rachel & I went to pick up Bonnie.

In my dream we were visiting Randy's great-aunt, recently widowed, who lived behind a park. (In reality, he DOES have a great-aunt who was widowed within the last year. She doesn't live near a park, to my knowledge. My mom & grandfather do, though.)

Derek was playing football in said park with a junior pro league. I went with one of the other moms (who lives near us, in real life) to a house where some of the moms were sitting by windows, watching their sons play, but most were in other rooms sitting around gossiping. The mom who took me there just left me with this group of women I barely knew. (In real life, this would probably happen; this mom is kind of like that.) The ones who were friendly to me were the "snobby" moms; the more down-to-earth moms (whom I'd probably really be more comfortable with) were snobby to me.

After a while, I decided to find Randy & Rachel. I'm not sure what Randy was doing but Rachel had gone with some of her friends to work at this store downtown (which looked more like Goodlettsville, which in reality is a lot further away than it was in the dream). I called Randy & asked him to meet me. Then I thought I'd drive downtown & get Rachel & then meet Randy. But instead of being a short drive (as I thought it would be in the dream), traffic there was awful (ha! just like Pleasant View) because they were having some sort of festival (which, in real life, is happening in downtown Clarksville this weekend). So I try to call Randy to let him know, but his cell phone is in the truck with me. I try calling Rachel, but someone else has her phone. I go to Rachel's workplace. I can't get hold of her - she's in another location. Finally, I get Rachel when a bus arrives, carrying employees from one work locale to another. I was letting Rachel have it for not keeping her cell phone nearby when the mom who took me to the football mom house appears out of nowhere & says, "I need you to come with me." I said, "I know Randy's mad, but he needs to hear what happened." When I got to him, he was yelling & really letting me have it. Then the alarm went off. What a relief!!!

The moral of the story: who knows??? It was just a dream, right???

Well, I'm not going to analyze my dream, or anything else for that matter. I think, instead, I'll go outside & get the paper & let the pets out for some sunshine. I'm still a little sleepy.

I like dreaming.

Actually, I like sleeping. I hate waking up. Not because I'm depressed. No, life is pretty good right now most of the time. (Unfortunately, life's not really good everywhere right now...there's an awful war going on & a seriously messed up guy just up & shot a bunch of people at a college in Virginia...but my personal life is not bad.) No, I'm not depressed. I'm just anxiously awaiting the next step in treating sleep apnea.

Have you ever heard of sleep architecture? I had never ever heard of such a thing until last week, when I learned that mine is disordered. Well, THAT's just what I needed to hear. LOL. Seriously, sleep architecture is a pretty interesting concept.

Normally, sleep architecture looks something like this:

Stage 1 - a sort of "pre-sleep" - 5%
Stage 2 - a not-quite-deep sleep - 50%
Stages 3 and 4 (AKA Delta sleep or slow-wave sleep) - 20-25%
REM sleep - 20-25%

My sleep architecture looks like this:

Stage 1 - 5% (so something's normal about me)
Stage 2 - 77%
Stages 3 and 4 - 0%
REM sleep - 17%

Why the lack of slow-wave sleep? Good question. Some might say it's the apnea itself. But in 2001 I had a sleep study. I wasn't sleeping long enough, but back then I had higher than average slow-wave sleep. What's different? I wasn't taking SSRI's. I started those in the fall of 2001. I DID have more obstructive apneas back then - & I weighed 25 pounds less than I do now. So, like I've said all along, I don't think my weight has as much to do with it as my nose, throat & neck.

I've learned a lot. For instance...from the blog See One, Do One, Teach One, lack of slow-wave sleep has shown to decrease cognitive performance. And here I thought I was just forgetting everything because I'm about to turn 40. Also, according to this same doctor, you increase your chances of having a car wreck. Untreated patients with narcolepsy have a ten times more risk of car accidents than normal subjects. This morning I had to stop & nap for 5 minutes before hitting the road again. I almost didn't make it.

Here's what ought to make me stand up & take notice: Less sleep equals more fat. “appetite is substantially larger.” Lack of sleep is associated with abnormalities in the hormones that control food intake.

And here's another one...I can actually back this one up with real examples...people who sleep normally, live longer. Ever heard of Marty Robbins? I'm a big Marty Robbins fan. I have visited his grave on a couple of occasions. He did just about everything. He was an awesome singer, a great songwriter, not a bad race car driver. He also acted, wrote Western books, & did a lot of other stuff. He didn't sleep much. In the PBS special, his son Ronny said that his dad didn't sleep much. He put 90 years of life into his 57 years. Now that I'm 40, 57 seems pretty young. He was the first person in the world to have a triple-vessel heart bypass surgery. That's not such an awesome statistic to have. He did, however, live 13 years after that, which was probably pretty good at the time.

My grandmother didn't sleep much either. She'd stay up until midnight watching "Gunsmoke" & reading, then she'd get up early in the morning & work, either at a restaurant or in the garden or the kitchen. I can close my eyes & see her there on the couch, wearing her pajamas, feet on the floor, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, cigarette in her right hand, book in the left, moving her lips as she read silently. You know, she quit smoking about a year before she died. She got hypnotized. It worked. Her heart didn't get her. Neither did her lungs. She had a ruptured ulcer which was attributed to steroid use for a skin condition. That last year of her life was the only one she didn't spend working hours in the garden, staying up all night canning beans or making zucchini relish or cooking a huge Thanksgiving dinner. The prednisone just zapped her completely. But Mom & I think she wore herself out.

Well, I'm convinced I need to get some sleep therapy. I wish they'd call me & get me set up for this thing already.

Later...

News that's good enough to eat.

I saw this headline on Google today: Turkey, Kurds Move Toward All-Out Fighting...turkey's a food...curds (although spelled differently) are food...hmmmm.....I know, it's not nice to make jokes like that. The thought of food in the news just struck me as funny. I'm just picturing the cottage cheese quivering on the plate as the turkey gradually moves across.

I learned today that I have sleep apnea & have to start wearing a CPAP. I included links so that you can read more than I know about it. I know this because I got called to go back for a 2nd sleep study. I had a sleep study years ago & didn't have to go back. So this time, I flunked. I wonder how bad it was. I'm not really in the dark about this condition though; Randy's had a CPAP for at least 7 or 8 years. He tells me it will make me feel a lot better. I'm looking forward to that. I have had some awful near-sleep experiences in the car. There for awhile it seemed to be a daily thing. I've been taking different routes lately, which might be helping a little. I really blamed the morning fatigue on the pets who think they should share my bed, but then I started waking myself up snoring. I've snored all my life, but it's really bad now.

Last night I started the Chauncey blog. The URL is chaunceyalmanac.blogspot.com. I spent too much time tonight putting stuff on this blog, but I'll post more on there later!!!