It's all right now, Heaven should be proud

Nervous.

Just like when I was 18.

And it took about 45 minutes to get up the nerve to go up and talk to them. But I did, and now I’ll tell you about it.

Some stories develop a life all their own. Maybe it's a writer thing or an OCD thing, but some events in life turn into more than you expected. Sometimes one plus one equals more than two. Like when I sat watching CMT while Derek was in surgery, and saw a one-time promo video with Buck Owens and his “right-hand man,” and my mission became learning about this Don Rich guy, and… here I am 22 years later, still writing about Hee Haw.

So it is with today's blog entry.

While subbing at a high school in August 2015, I saw class composite pictures dating back to the 1960s. I recognized two brothers, Robert and Michael (not their real names) in the class of 1982 from their jobs in the college bookstore.  Robert frequented the Placement Office, my work-study job. I submitted his resume’ for every potentially fitting job, because even at age 18, I recognized that he was a good worker. I also thought he was gorgeous.

My first year of college, my boyfriend Donnie lived 35 miles away.  (Again, all names have been changed to protect the innocent… and the guilty.) Our romance the summer after graduation was fun and intense.  After college began and football season ended, things got weird.  This guy who’d proposed in my driveway and wanted me home every weekend suddenly stopped inviting me to family dinners. Donnie’s perfect date was semi-pro wrestling. That was fun at first, but got old quick. I wanted him to visit me, like other girls’ boyfriends.  My roommate left every weekend, so we would've had the dorm all to ourselves, but he didn't want to “make that drive.” He preferred my grandparents' house while they wintered in Florida, or his neighbor's shack, where we could hang out on their waterbed.

I was miserable, but I felt committed to Donnie.  In high school, I embarrassed myself by throwing myself at boys I liked. At least with Donnie, I didn’t have to be rejected by anyone else. I thought I should be satisfied. In general, he wasn’t a bad person. He went to church (but never mine, only his mama's), and didn’t drink or do drugs, but, as he even admitted to me years later, he was immature. Honestly, I wasn't much better.  I said all that to say that if I ever thought about taking a chance with Robert (and I did, quite often), I didn't act on it because I felt obligated to Donnie. 

Eventually, he got tired of pretending he wanted to be married, and decided we should take a break. I don’t think I ever cried. I was tired of playing the game too. It was a little too late for me to get to know Robert, as he was about to graduate.  My life got exponentially better though, and fast.  Within a year, I was dating "the rock star." Donnie wanted me back later, but I was done.

But enough about my history.

That day I subbed and saw the composite pic, I wondered what had happened to Robert, and to a lesser extent, Michael. Did they live close by? Did they have children at the school? So when I got home, I did what everybody does in 2017, or at the time, 2015, I Googled them. I saw Robert still had the job I almost kept him from getting.  But more on that later. Neither one married.

I found their names in the obit for their father, who left several siblings, his wife, Edith, 10 sons, and four daughters. That’s right, 14 kids.  I looked for an obituary for Edith. There wasn’t one, but I found the 1975 Tennessean article spotlighting this amazing family who built a beautiful home on a farm and made it work. My imagination whirled: what a life story! I wanted to interview this woman who grew up in Indiana during the Depression, became a “WAC” when it wasn’t all that common for a woman to do so, married someone she met at the end of the war, moved to his home state and contributed to the baby boom - in a big way. But these days, if someone walked up to my door and wanted to talk about my life story and maybe publish an article about me, I'd probably leave them on the porch, so I never approached any of them. 

The 1975 article grazed over the deaths of two additional children; being a morbidly curious nut, I learned that the first, a girl, died shortly after birth, and the third, a boy, at around age 6. Another died in his 40s, leaving nine sons and four daughters to survive Edith, who died this past Sunday of pneumonia.  I have a morbid habit of looking at funeral home websites and newspaper obituaries. I don’t do it every day, but several times a week.  I’ve said before that good Southerners look at the obituaries to find out who they need to visit and bring a casserole.

Today I got to meet several of them.  I sat in the back of the chapel for a long time, observing. Nervous, like I was still 18.  Finally, I got up and walked to the front, where I told Robert my story about wanting to meet his mother. I conveniently left out the part about often wishing I had taken a chance and flirted with him back in the day.  That, too, is a story for another time. I believe I've shared enough of it today.

I also shared my story with Michael, two sisters, and another brother. I told them all my regrets at not getting to meet her. I don’t think I sounded too creepy. If you’re honest, and sincerely show interest in people, they realize you aren't out to hurt them.  I try to be charming too. Hahaha… I realize not everyone has honest motives, and some people use their charm with very impure motives, but that’s not me.  I met two more brothers before I left.  Sweet folks. I may tell more of this woman's story in another blog entry. She lived a long, full life. She was a veteran. She was a super mom – didn’t have a job outside the home but successfully raising all those children and running a farm with her husband - she was an inspiration to me, and I didn't even know her.

I don’t know if this is a nationwide thing, but in the South, funeral homes hand out little folded papers with a picture of the deceased, dates and places of birth and death, surviving family members, etc.  Inside Edith’s, Proverbs 31:10-31 was printed.  I believe it described her well.  You should look it up, but here are a few verses:

^10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one...

I'd planned to use this post to document my progress on the "40 bags in 40 days" project for Lent.  You know, 40 bags of decluttering... however, I've been working a lot!  I didn't do any decluttering on Ash Wednesday because I went to Randy's mom's house for dinner, but I DID clean up Sonny's bathroom and that WAS one bag of trash.

On Day 2 of Lent I cleaned off the bathroom counter.  Photos to come later.  Three bags resulted from that - one trash bag and two smaller gift bags, one for each child.

I went back to work after all the snow on Friday, and then worked in home health Friday night.  I worked Saturday morning and evening, and in between I went to Nashville and took back the rental car and finally got my car back, went to eat with Randy, his mom, his sister and her friend, and went to the karaoke pizza place.  Today I worked in the morning, napped awhile in the afternoon, and have been lazy, watching TV and playing online since.  So I guess I'm three days behind, because I really shouldn't count all three bags from Thursday.

Well... that's all I've got to say about that, so far.  More later...

Time, don't run out on me.

Time is flying.  It's already April.  What a year it has been... not all bad, certainly not all good.

I'm watching "Mask" which is bad because it means I won't ever do anything else the rest of the night... not that I was planning to do anything anyway.  I was planning to go to bed at a halfway decent hour.  I napped from 4:30 to about 5:30.  I looked at Facebook and I did Derek's taxes.  I worked on my APSU registration.  That's about it.  Sad, huh?  The night just flew.  I just wanted to document that I did something - albeit very small - with it.

He's Alive!

Happy Easter everybody!  I had a great Easter, though I didn't feel too great.  I ate a good breakfast and didn't feel much like eating lunch (but I did).  Since then I have just snacked a bit.  We went to Sunrise Service and then to regular worship where we sang in the cantata.  Then we went to Randy's mom's for lunch, with Rachel.  D had to work.

I really just wanted to post that I decided last week to put off working on the PhD until next year, if at all.  I was 22 when I got my BS, and I'll be 46 when I get my MAEd.  At that rate I'll be 70 when I get my PhD, and that's OK.  I don't know that I'll wait that long, but I don't know that I'll get it at all.  Maybe when I am not in school I will enjoy teaching more.  We shall see.  Part of me would like to get a degree in counseling also... my interest is in psychology and neuroscience... but we shall see.  I don't know that I have to get more formal education to learn more.

'Cause we live in a time when meaning falls in splinters from our lives

Today has been a hard day.

It has been a month now, and I can't say it makes sense yet.  I feel terrible, like somehow I let her down by not being able to keep her alive.  She wanted to live, so badly.  And yet I know that she wouldn't want to come back now.  She suffered so much.  I think she just got so tired.

I miss her.  I wish I could have kept her with me for the rest of my life, but only if she was healthy and enjoying life, and not having to go through all that chemo and radiation.  I thought about that occasionally, like what if we were out on a Sunday afternoon and had an accident and went together?  But that's not the way it happened and for the family's sake, I know that's a good thing. 

This experience has changed me and I'm not sure I like the way I have turned out, but I have learned a lot about myself in the past month.

I know that life is short.  I have spent too much time playing cards and looking at silly blogs and tumblrs.  I am going to use my spring break a little more wisely than I have in the past.  I am going to declutter my house 15 minutes at a time.  Yes, that's a FlyLady concept but please don't put me on the email list!  I have to declutter my emails!!!  :D

I know that life is short and we should do things we want to do and things we think will make a difference in the world, even if the difference seems small.  I have searched my heart and my soul to figure out if I am headed in the right direction.

I have had to face some of my past, not that I have a lot of regrets, but I think we should learn from our past, and one mistake I have made over and over and over again is that I seem to never be happy.  Is that why I can't get a nuclear medicine job in Nashville, because I have the reputation for never being content where I am?  I know that's why I have such a dirty house, because I was never happy living here.  I wanted to live in Ridgetop.  Now, I don't have much reason to.  Mom's gone, Grandaddy's gone, and Randy works 40 miles from there.  This house is 17.5 miles from his work and 18.5 miles from mine... and I only work 10 months out of the year. 

I like my car, though.

I may not always like teaching but I like my classroom.  I could improve it, but I like it.

It's late and I have an appointment early.  It may not ever make sense, but maybe I can be at peace with that.

And I don't know how you do it, making love out of nothing at all

It was the song from the 80s that I play sometimes and always think of someone who didn't turn out to be my soulmate, but who has been in my thoughts at least once a day, every day, ever since.  Not in such a way that it ruins my life, more in a wow, that was a fun memory kind of way.  Or yeah, Jeff used to do that, I wonder if he still does.  Things like, the Seahawks were his team, or he had a Herschel Walker "You lied like a dawg" t-shirt, or that he would never admit it to his friends but he liked Air Supply.

He and most of his friends were brainy and somewhat immature, in an innocent and sweet way.  They weren't out tearing up the neighborhood; they were renting movies, hanging out at houses with pool tables and Ataris, ordering pizza, playing football and/or basketball in the backyard, and collecting comic books.  If they were 17 now, they'd be playing video games like my son.  It was sort of like a high school version of "The Big Bang Theory."  There were a few of us girls who had classes with this crowd.  I saw a few of us there today.  If girls who hang out with gay men are "f@g hags" (and I apologize for being offensive, I would never refer to a person that way myself, but I have friends who referred to themselves that way) what are girls who hang out with nerds called?  They weren't really nerds, at least, I thought they all had good qualities.  Brains and wit were far more entertaining than popularity and obsession with looking good.

So today I went to the funeral home to visit a childhood friend, a mutual friend of ours, a former classmate (a grade younger) and even a short-time boyfriend.  His mom died on the 17th.  I sat next to Jeff, another former classmate a grade younger, longtime friend, former neighbor, and sometimes boyfriend in the old days.  I went out with him 3 weeks before I married Randy.  Bill said Randy and I were people who needed that time of trial, that idea of, well, we've tried everything else, and this is what's right for us.  I guess that was true.  We've been together for a long time - and married for 23.5 years.

When you're happy in your relationship, and I am, and I'm pretty sure Randy is too, it's good to see your exes in happy relationships too.  I like Jeff's wife.  She is so sweet, and she tries to take care of Jeff's dad, and he needs that.  I almost wish I could set him up with Mom because they could both use the company.  But, he doesn't need to have to take care of anybody and she's not able to.  And Bill seems to be happy too.  His girlfriend is cute, and seems kind and sweet.

So yeah.  I'm happy for them all.  Really and truly.

Some people call me the Space Cowboy...

I couldn't decide on a song title for today's post.  Yesterday was Christmas, and Mom is doing better so I didn't need anything else for Christmas.  Randy was really disappointed that we had to spend our Christmas money on Rachel's car.  He never would tell me what he wanted to get me... or what he secretly wanted to spend that money on... but I wasn't disappointed at all.

Well, I don't like to post about job stuff, not anymore, but I am going to admit that I'd been interested in a nuc med job.  I miss working in nuc med and not just because teaching is a stressful job.  (Nucs could be stressful too.)  Today I talked to a former co-worker who is the imaging director at her current workplace.  She was not very encouraging (it's a long story but she was very nice), though she did say she'd consider me for summer PRN work.  I have 2 possibilities for that, which is better than where I've been in the past.

So, I guess I'm staying in the classroom.  Last semester ended on a sad note.  I can't go into all the details but all of you know about what happened in Connecticut at the end of the semester.  That happened right after I had a not-so-hot observation and right before I got a threatening email.  I felt like there was a huge shadow hanging over the idea of having two weeks off.  On the other hand, I was looking forward to having two weeks - or at least one - to plan ahead.  I've done a little of that today and I'm glad.  I'm not ready, but I'm feeling a lot better about it.

I tell it like it used to be.

Yesterday I had this song on my mind.  I guess you could take it different ways.  I am not living in the past like the writer of the song.  It was more like telling it like it will be.

Sometimes I have to fight the negative thoughts in my head.  Don't we all, sometimes?  Like, I sometimes find myself thinking, "I'm depressed" for no apparent reason.  Oh, I have as many reasons as most people to be depressed:  a stressful job, more month than money, car troubles once or twice a month, a sick relative (or two or three) at least that often... I could go on, but I won't because I don't want to get depressed.  I have just as many, if not more, reasons NOT to be depressed:  a wonderful husband, amazing children, a good family, a warm house and a steady job, a great church family and good friends, and I could go on and on.

So yesterday when "I'm depressed" entered my head, I thought, "No, I used to be."

And I thought, I could apply that to so many other negatives in life, not just mine but others' lives as well.

I'm lazy.  No, I used to be.  Now I'm not.

I'm selfish.  No, I used to be.  Now I'm giving and caring.

Maybe it's crazy to carry on both sides of a conversation in your mind, but then again, maybe it used to be.  Maybe now I'm rational.

Accentuate the positive!

I believe I've had an entry by that name before, but today it seems good.  I am on fall break.  Yay!!!  Poor D, he has had to go to school.  The rock star will be off the next two days.  On Friday he's got a gig.  I guess our traveling won't be happening this time.  Oh, well.  Christmas will be here soon and maybe we can do some driving then.

We're going to choir practice in a few minutes so I can't write long.  I just had the urge to share my feelings.  I want to be happier being a teacher.  A few days ago Randy and I discussed this and he gave me his opinion that I lack self-confidence... which I totally agree with.  He followed that up by saying that I hate myself, with which I totally disagree. 

So today I typed in "Positive thinking Bible verses" and I saw a site with several verses.  I really liked it and I surfed around it a lot.  Here's the one I really honed in on.

Hebrews 13:5 ESV

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I love it!  It reminded me why I've been searching for a nuclear medicine part-time job, or possibly full-time job - because I'd like to make more money.  I almost forgot I'll be needing a little less after this school year, Lord willing; I'll have both vehicles paid for and I sure hope I don't need another one that requires a payment any time soon.

I'm happy with my husband 90% of the time (which is probably better than average), and with my body 75% of the time (which is probably WAY better than average, and most people would not be happy with mine!  Oh, well).  So can I be happy with my job?  My house?  I'm working on it.  I'm getting there.

you might think I'm delirious...

Oh, it was back in the day.  Way, way back in the day... a lot of water's gone under the bridge since then - the Prince Green bridge, or its predecessor, which I hit in my big old land barge Catalina - and I am reliving it tonight on Facebook.  I heard this song the other day and I would've posted on Tim Horn's wall how this reminded me of going to Ridgecrest, but I had posted a link to "PYT" on Tim's wall the day before and God knows I don't need anybody thinking I'm fooling around with somebody because I posted songs from 1984 on their Facebook wall.

I normally don't like to think about 1984 much, and especially not this time of the year and now, my baby is starting HIS senior year and I know exactly how many years it's been (do the math!  there's a teacher answer for you).  But for some reason, this year has mellowed my memory of 1984 and I can deal with the ugly memories... most of them anyway.  The ones I don't like to remember are the ugly ones caused by me.  The other not-so-pretty memories, well, they are what they are and at least I still have them.

Summer's about over for me.  We had open house at school tonight.  Down here in the extremely hot South we send our kids back to school in the heat of August so we can spend a ton of money on air conditioning (and believe you me, we need our air conditioning in our schools without windows).  It gets earlier and earlier too, although I will say that the August 7 start date is a few days later than the August 4 start date we had my first year in our neighboring county to the east-northeast.  Usually, we get out in mid- to late- May and that makes coming in from bus duty soaked with sweat a little more worthwhile.

Every year I say I'm going to be a little tougher than I was the year before, and every year I end up being a pushover.  I don't want to be meaner than I ought to be, but I don't want to be a pushover, either.  I'm praying and honestly, at the moment, I feel like I'll be all right.  I know I can make it.  I know I can handle it.

I do know that one thing I need to do, in order to make it, is to go to bed and get some well-deserved rest.

SI... oh, who cares. When you close your eyes, do you dream about me?

Do you remember this song?  I do.  Does it have any significant meaning for today's post?  Well, it has a significant meaning for today.  I woke up early this morning, dreaming about someone from my past.  And in my dream I must have been watching something that would have happened 25 plus years ago and I said, "It's all right.  One day he is going to realize what he's missed out on and it's going to be too late."


And he did.  


And it was.  


And now I have these dreams from time to time and sometimes they worry me because back in the day I would dream about him two nights in a row and find out that something had happened, like his grandmother died, and there was something else, but I don't remember what.  Maybe when his aunt died, I don't know.  I didn't have a premonition about his mother, I can tell you that.  Well, I did in a way... a few months before she died I dreamed about him and wondered.  Nothing specific though.


I am still working on improvements (cleaning, specifically) and starting tomorrow (it's a holiday weekend) I'll go back to working on something for school every day, or every weekday at least.  I'm trying to do healthy things for myself too and I'm learning about herbs again.  I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I have toyed with the idea for a long time, but yesterday I was talking with my mom about... of all things, medical marijuana. Now, we didn't get into the whole, "This could be good for you," thing.  Nothing that deep, of course; it was more speculation on whether someone we know from a state where medicinal use is legal has a prescription.  She says no but this person is using it illegally.  I said maybe he or she is, maybe he or she is not, but if this person is using it, he/she very likely has an rx.  Mom didn't think this person had the financial resources to get a prescription.  It was at that point I stopped arguing with her because... well,  there comes a point in family arguments/discussions where tensions and voices are raised and motives are questioned (and you really do not want to know what motives have been questioned in the past).  We had not come to that point yet and I didn't think it was worth going there.  And somehow my thought process came around to what would I do if I couldn't teach anymore... I guess because the subject of our discussion is unemployed.  I thought, nuc med jobs are scarce everywhere, and if for some reason I couldn't teach, I'd want to move somewhere like Arizona and become a midwife or an herbalist or something like that.  I think another thought on my mind was what someone like Mom would do.  I don't know what she is going to do now.  I don't know how long she can keep her disability, her insurance, and all of that.  And how many people are out there who don't have insurance?  Who don't have treatments for diseases like cancer?  There's a lot to think about.


So is that what I need to do?  I don't think so.  I think teaching is the thing for me right now.  Someday it may not be, and when that happens, at least I know there are options out there.  

SI wk 0 day 6: School's out for summer

Not quite forever just yet...


I really enjoyed my day today.  I wasn't at school all that long and I came home and piddled around here after that.  I decided that every day I'm going to try to do several things.  


One, I'm going to do something each day to improve my health.  Today... well, I ate broccoli and cheese for supper, along with baked beans.  Not the healthiest meal but not the worst either.  I didn't exercise today because my feet have hurt just about all day.  I relaxed.  Isn't that good?


Two, I'm going to do something fun every day, or some kind of treat to myself.  Now you have to realize that I can have fun with a lot of different things!  I did several fun things today.  I watched "The Women of SNL" which was pretty funny.  I've relaxed on the hammock several times (isn't that healthy too?).  I worked on my Jux account, because I'm thinking about trying to sell some medical photography.  Maybe... 


Three, I'm doing something school-related each day because I have lots of good ideas and I'd like to get ahead of the game.  I had to set a limit on that - no more than four hours a day.  There will be days when I have to do more than four hours a day, because of professional development and such.  I'm excited though.  Today was a half-day so there was my four hours.


Four, I'm going to do something spiritual every day.  That's sort of broad... a lot of things fit in here.  Doing something for somebody would fit, as would singing in a nursing home.  Could I count meditating in the hammock here?  


Finally, I'm going to do something for the home each day.  I washed dishes and a load of clothes.  I folded a load of clothes, and I dusted the dresser in the master bedroom.  I had to deal with Sonny's urine... don't want to talk about that.  I haven't done a lot of housework but I've done something today and will improve tomorrow.

SI week 0 day 5: one more day...

Tomorrow's the last official day.  The good thing is that the tough part is done.  The grades are in and I just have a few more loose ends to tie up.  Yesterday was the last day for the kids and tomorrow all they're going to do is hand out report cards.  That may mean I have students coming in and out, but I don't know.  I woke up at 2:35 this morning.  I checked my e-mail and read the FlyLady digest.  I don't remember much of what it said, but in the shower I thought to myself, "I deserve peace."  FlyLady is big about encouraging her followers to say "I love myself," and I'm not arguing with that.  As a Christian though, I tend to think that I don't deserve a whole lot.  By that I mean that I believe I have good things by the grace of God and not anything I have done.  What I thought in the shower, though, is what's in my control.  I should treat myself better than to run myself ragged trying to do the impossible, or to beat myself up for things I cannot control.  I don't need to beat myself up for things over which I once had control but don't anymore. (in other words, things I screwed up).  


In turn, I deserve respect from others whether they are my students or my supervisors.  I deserve proper treatment and I am going to start expecting it.


So I got a lot done at school today. I didn't feel really good and I had to do a lot of running around. I will be doing even more putting stuff up tomorrow and hopefully no one will want to use my computer expertise.

I got more done here than usual too. Folded clothes, washed dishes, and now I'm watching "Trauma: Life in the ER" and getting ideas for how to use these in class. I can't keep showing episodes of "House" UNLESS I find better ways to tie it into my standards. However, I have NO problem at all using TV shows, movies, etc. to teach the kids while they think they're doing something else. 

SI wk 0, day 4: And when I'm itchy, I scratch.

Anybody remember this one?  It was from Sesame Street back in the 70's.  

Today did not start well.  Randy played yesterday's messages and we learned that Derek's surgery has been postponed for two weeks. This means his jaw will be wired shut when we planned to go on vacation. That means we've got to reschedule not just us but six or seven more people. But he is a good kid; he said not to worry about him. Bless his heart. 

After that we discovered that the cat crapped in the bath tub and vomited in the hall. Not only that but he crapped on a towel in the bathroom too.  Not a good morning.

Work was easy, relatively... my first block took their exam and I graded it, and spent most of the rest of the day doing the end-of-year packing and paperwork.  We have 1.5 more days, and I'll spend them doing more of the same.  It's all right.  I'm going to spend a little time each week preparing for next year.

Randy is practicing and Derek went to spend the night with a buddy.  Rach moved out today, to start her new summer job as a youth worker intern at a church in Nashville.  I've been sitting here itching all evening.  I don't know if the loveseat's got fleas or what.  (That would figure, wouldn't it?)  I need to stop being so lazy but I figure I'll work hard tomorrow.  Just doing some laundry tonight.

S.I. Wk. 0 Day 3: They call me Dr. Love

No!  They really don't.  


I'm not a doctor or a nurse but I've had 26 years of healthcare experience.  Now I get questions... "What is this rash on my arm?"  "Do you have any bandaids?"  "I've got something stuck in my foot.  Do you have any tweezers?"  or... "There's a girl passed out in the bathroom floor!"  I don't mind that, really.  I am just as happy to be the computer MD.  I get questions there too, and half of them aren't the kind I can answer.  I mean, I know a lot about computers but I don't have the answers to everything.


I do miss health care.  All the while I was in nuclear medicine, I was looking for more... more money when I was working part-time, and when I was working full-time, I was looking for more to do with my life.  I knew I wasn't going to set the world on fire doing nucs, but I thought maybe I could catch a wave of some new treatment or discovery... even if it was an old remedy like discovering a new use for ginseng or something like that.  Then I got this job that really changed my life, first in a good way and then in a bad way, and now... well, you decide.  I went to work at Vanderbilt and thought that would make my life complete.  I loved it, and then I got laid off, and it's been a wild ride ever since.


So I spent time today looking for a part-time medical job.  I could be a CNA but with my feet the way they are, I don't think that would work, and I went into excruciating detail about nuc jobs last night.  Looks like I'll be spending my summer planning to be a better teacher, and there's nothing wrong with that.  Maybe I can make some extra money doing transcription.  I wonder if I could do any writing...


Today was the first day of exams.  I have a few who need to make up their exams and one who didn't come to school today.  I didn't have any foot trouble during the day but this afternoon and evening have been a different story.  I need some pain relief NOW.  I didn't improve anything here at home... but I've done a lot of thinking and maybe that is a step in the right direction.

Summer Improvements Week 0: It's a beautiful morning

 I should've started my series on Thursday.  That night I had a sink full of dishes that no one had touched for days.  I felt bad about it because I hadn't done them... but nobody else here had either!  (In my defense, I had transcription work Monday night and Tuesday night and choir practice at church Wednesday night - after working all day at school those days) Thursday night Randy had a dinner for work and I didn't want him to come home to this yet again.My plan was to take pictures as I made progress.  I took pictures as I waded through the dishes but didn't take one when I finished!  Well, it does look better.  With neuropathy, standing for long enough to wash that many in one session is not an option.  It took me four short sessions to do it (broken up by laundry-folding sessions) but three hours later I got it all done.  So far it still looks pretty good!!!

So today I started my walking program again.  There are so many dogs in this subdivision.  I don't mind dogs but all the barking... well, if their owners don't like it they shouldn't have dogs, right???  I no longer own a dog.  :(  I miss my dog.  I sometimes worry that people will be annoyed because the dogs are barking at me and it's all my fault for walking.  But since most of the neighbors are dog owners, I guess I'm worrying for nothing.  

I saw a lot of pretty birds today. 

I don't have a lot planned today.  I'm going to graduation tonight, but other than that just getting ready for homecoming, maybe doing a little housekeeping.  Not going home tomorrow. so I guess I'll call Mom.  I have to go into "town" at some point and deposit a check, get creamer, and I might look for some plants while I'm out.  I dreamed I got some... I also dreamed I went to Hawaii.

I actually made it all the way around the circle with the exception of the part between my house and the highway, then took a break in the hammock for 10 to 15 minutes, came in and had breakfast (a peanut butter sandwich on wheat bread).  Now I've got to get up and take my medicine, change the litter, and just do what comes up!

Summer's comin' and it's gettin' warmer

It's a line from "Runaway" by Jefferson Starship.  Love, love, love that song.

In less than a week I'll be celebrating the last day of school and the beginning of my summer vacation!!!  It promises to be an interesting summer.  D's having surgery, we're going out of town at some point, and I'm not taking classes.  I'm taking a break!

I find myself making summer resolutions, like some people make new year's resolutions.  I'm going to get the house cleaner, I'll say to myself, or I'm going to lose 10 pounds.  I'd like to do both this summer.  So begins a new "series" so to speak - Summer Improvements.  I'd like to write about what I'm doing and post photos of it too.  I have plenty of tech gadgets.  I've got a Kindle Fire, a laptop, an iPad (thanks, SHS) and a new iPhone.  I can post pics of anything.

Paperback writer...

Not really... while I am constantly coming up with ideas for story writing, I don't know who would want to read that. I'm not sure if anybody reads this!!!

Lots going on right now. I'm working on my research paper. It's due tomorrow. I've done the research. I'm just putting it together and trying to find some sources to back up my opinions. My research is about technology in the classroom. Of course! So right now I'm taking a blogging break. I'm listening to 70's music which seems to foster my creativity for some reason. I think it puts me back into my childhood where my imagination is nice and functional. Maybe that makes me weird. Maybe I'm weird anyway.

Besides that, this weekend I have to get all my stuff planned for my students for Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday because I'll be at the HOSA State Conference those days. I have to clean out the car so I can put my competitors in it, as well as my stuff for three days. While I'm there I plan to finish updating the student database for the grading program, although I have discovered that this job isn't going to be finished as long as I'm working on it (and probably, working there as well). Every time a teacher joins the school's site (and there are still quite a few to go) I'll have to update students. It's inevitable. It's okay, though. I just work on it when I can.

I also need to catch up on grading this weekend, and go by the school Sunday and pick up journals to grade too. The amusement never ends.

I'm okay with it though. I have enough to do outside the house tomorrow to make it okay to stay home and write today. I'm working on something that I have a passion for - computers and technology education - and that makes it easier. I have decided that I'm going to get my doctorate in instructional technology. Not sure what school yet - I've got to decide, but I have a year or two to do that. This summer Derek's having surgery and I'm taking a break from my studies. If I do any extra work, it'll be transcription. In the fall I'll either take one or two courses, and if I take two I'll be able to take two in the spring to graduate. If it takes me longer, so be it.

God is good to me... He gave me awesome kids and an amazing husband and the rest of my family's pretty great too. I have more than I know what to do with... life is good. Rachel's doing a formal this weekend and one next weekend. D's going to the prom next weekend. He made a 29 on his ACT! This was his 1st try! Rachel did too, on her 2nd try. Both of them are very smart! I've got a great church family but a lot going on there too... can't go into that on the blog but suffice it to say I have things I don't want to take care of there. I'll be glad when I'm no longer the chair of the PPR committee.

Well, that's what's happening... for what it's worth.

What's new, pussycat? Wo-wo-wo-oh!!!

Rachel's been here for a post-mission trip visit. She just left. I hate to see her go so soon, but... that just goes with life, sugar.

D's spending the night with a buddy.

Randy's cleaning up the storage building.

I've been updating events on websites... seems like I get that task no matter where I go. I do that on the school website, the church website, the HOSA school website... how did I get that task???

I was feeling a little frustrated. It happens so easily. I get overwhelmed with all the junk in my life and all the unfinished business I have. I have a dirty house, a big research project looming in the headlights (and getting bigger as I get closer to it) for one of my graduate courses, a smaller, but still huge work project coming up in the next few days at school, church tomorrow (two services... one should be really cool), a part-time job that doesn't pay all that well but is something that comes natural and it's something I can do at home, a full-time job that wipes me out mentally and sometimes physically and requires more time than I am willing to give it while paying about half the salary I used to make before being laid off 3 years ago, a chronic illness that tries my patience and confuses me to no end; sometimes it's easy to deal with and at other times, it's literally a huge pain. And then there are the usual things... bathrooms, furniture, and floors to clean, dishes and laundry to wash, and meals that need preparation. Thank goodness Randy doesn't mind cooking. I have a wonderful husband and two fantastic kids. Fortunately, they don't require a lot of my time anymore, but I want to spend time with them. I have parents who don't ask a lot of me, but I want to spend time with them too. I have brothers, sisters-in-law, a mother-in-law, nieces, nephews... you get the picture. I have a church family and good friends. I have a great life and it's rich and full. Unfortunately, I just don't manage my time the way I should.

I want to write. I don't usually think of that when I'm making goals for my life because... I just don't. I don't see it ever being lucrative enough for me to do it full-time. I do get a lot of my writing "jones" out by blogging and all that web work. With my "side job" of transcription, and the writing I should be doing in my online class, and especially as a teacher, I get plenty of opportunities these days. I've spent most of my life thinking, someday I will write the fiction stories that I have stored in my head all these years. Now I'm 44 and wondering, how many years do I have? Maybe I will live another 44 years, but I am already diabetic and don't eat the way I should... so really, who can say? I read an article in the Tennessean today and it got me to thinking too. It was about a woman who has dementia - and she's 49. I'll be 45 in a few weeks. That's scary.

So I was looking at "Pick the Brain." It's one of my favorite websites. I check it two or three times a week, sometimes more. I like it on Facebook, so that helps remind me to check it often. It's an inspirational - motivational site, which is something I've found really helpful over the last year. Anyway, I was reading about how "I'm the problem" and it reminded me of how often I've looked at my life and wondered, why did I end up (insert fault here... I'll give you some ideas... fat, broke, living in a perpetually-dirty house that isn't worth what I owe...)? The "fat" part - strangely, being fat doesn't bother me as far as my appearance goes, because even though I'm heavier than I've ever been, I'm still sort of in the middle. I know many thinner people and many fatter people. I still look all right, most of the time. It's my health that worries me. I wonder if my feet would feel better if I wasn't carrying around all the extra weight. I know my knees would.

I have a wonderful marriage. But sometimes I wonder - does Randy secretly wish he'd married the girl who married an astronaut? Would he have been better off if he had? Would she? I don't know. We'll never know. It doesn't matter, really. It didn't happen.

The more important question is, what can I do to become what I want to be? Or who I want to be? Am I ready to make the changes I need to do what I want???

live like... you were dying???

The day Derek was born, I called our church (at the time). It was, after all, Wednesday evening and everyone would want to know. The young lady who answered the phone was a high school senior and the daughter of a couple who had made us feel so at home in our short time there. Now Derek is 17, and today that young lady's youngest son died at the age of 10, after fighting a brain tumor for over a year. I had hoped I would catch her to give her a cap Randy got. I'm sorry that I didn't get that cap to her and Andrew.

Shortly after I heard that, I read a blog post by a woman who has lost 200 pounds. It was called "45 Simple Actions to Start Losing Weight." One of the actions: "Deal with Stress." I'm not sure how to do that. I guess I need to figure that out. This woman wrote about the stress she had from her job. I know that feeling. Some days I hate it. This week, I'm trying to get everything done so I won't have to do it during Spring Break, next week. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to get everything in. I planned to go visit Billie and Andrew last weekend. I kept over-extending myself. I stayed too long at Mom's, then at Dad's, on Saturday. Not that I regret that, I don't regret visiting my parents at all... but then I was going to eat at a fundraiser with Randy. I then had to finish a transcription assignment that I didn't complete Friday evening, because I got a late start.

Then I had classwork to do before midnight Sunday night. Though I fooled around a little and napped on Sunday afternoon after lunch, I managed to get that done at a reasonable time. Then I didn't leave myself enough time to grade my students' work because when I got through with my classwork I played online Boggle for too long. I gave up Spider Solitaire for Lent and then turned around and started playing Boggle. I am not all that great at it, and last night I decided to give it up too.

Yesterday, a couple of students and I talked about that song, "Live Like You Were Dying." They didn't really get it. I said, you know, we shouldn't live our lives waiting for something to happen later. Live like you're dying doesn't mean lie in the bed waiting for the angels to escort you home. It means live now, instead of putting things off until later. I don't know if I adequately conveyed my feelings. But in the last two weeks, when so many people have died, it means so much more.

I started teaching in August of 2009 and in the whirlwind of never-ending work and the heat of that first classroom, I lost 13 pounds in 3 months. Since then I have put on almost 30 pounds. Oh, it varies from day to day. This morning it was actually 24.5 pounds. And in November 2008, I think I even weighed less than that Nov. 2009 weight. I hate that I've gained so much weight. I don't hate myself and I don't even hate my body, but I need to get in better shape because I want to be healthier. I know a great deal of my problem is stress. I come home, eat, and have to do more work before bed. Some nights (like tonight) I put off working until it's too late. I really don't waste a ton of time on Facebook, but I spend a lot of time looking for that elusive nuclear medicine job, or some other job that promises more money and more time to relax outside of work. Next thing I know, it's 10:30, I haven't read or relaxed, I'm depressed from not finding that "perfect" job, I've still got a sack full of ungraded work and piles of housework to do, and I need to get to bed.

I don't always work as efficiently as I should. Some days I write in my blog and spend 30 minutes on Facebook. I did a lot today and I could do a lot more. I could probably stay up all night. I stayed until 7:00 doing work and grading journals. I have two more classes of journals, posters to grade, and exams to grade. I'm going to bed. I need to start living again.

But I didn't want to turn this into a story about me. I wanted to say, we all need to live like we're dying. We need to live. We need to love. We may need to work too, but we can't keep putting off our lives, because the future isn't promised. Today is a gift and we need to be grateful for it.