One of these nights...

One of these nights I'm gonna write something absolutely amazing and powerful and I'm really looking forward to it.

So far, I haven't figured out what that is, exactly... but I'm okay with that.  I'll keep on writing until I do.

I'd love to write more, and really, I DO write more than I post on this blog because I prefer not to just throw everything I think onto a blog like a diary for everyone in the universe to read.  I work a lot, and I love what I do 99.44% of the time but I would love to have more time to write.  I spend too much time trying to make money. Well, I might as well while I'm able and my kids aren't little anymore so that I can retire before I die.  I tell people I write every chance I get but it's really not true.  If it were true, I'd have a lot more material to read.  I have many, many stories in my head that I really should put into writing, because I know I'm not going to live forever (at least not in this realm, and I'm not sure how much of my brain will make it through the life I'm living now) and I don't want the stories and characters to die with me. After I'm gone my kids can pass this stuff on to other people, or just give them away, but hopefully, I'll get some of them out into the world and let the universe decide whether they're worth keeping.

There were also people who once walked this earth and not just through my brain whose stories shouldn't be forgotten either.  Those who passed after about 2005 will have more information about them on the Internet for future generations than those who passed before that, and there are stories in the old newspapers and databases for those who wish to look for those folks.  Still there are people who lived quiet and simple lives, whose stories weren't compelling Nicholas Sparks novel fodder (or even Lifetime movie fodder), who've left serious marks on the manuscript of my own life.  My grandmother was one... one of her father's seventeen children as well as one of her mother's eleven.  Her oldest sister Lorene was evidently unable to bear children of her own, but I never, ever heard her complain about that, or talk about it at all.  I never asked her why she didn't have children, maybe because I was afraid to bring it up.  Her husband had lost two children in the Christmas Eve crash that claimed his first wife and left him with only his son. Maybe she figured it might've been better to have had no children at all.  His son gave her four step-grandchildren that she dearly loved in her own quiet way.  She wasn't the kind of grandmother who took the kids to Opryland (actually they didn't have that on either side, but all their grandparents cared for them very much) but she baked them goodies and visited them and kept an eye on them and probably went to graduations and things like that, I don't remember.  She also kept a lot of other relatives, like me. 

She, like Granny, had a portrait of a handsome young man I never had the privilege to know, my uncle Olie.  His death at age 18 was one of those events you see in movies, where a local teenager gets really sick (or has an accident or gets shot or... you get the picture) and dies young and the whole town shuts down for the funeral.  But before I knew all that about the town's reaction, I knew that my grandmother and all her family lost a dear brother, son, grandson, and uncle.  I guess because he didn't live long enough to have children and grandchildren of his own, I felt sort of obligated to keep his memory alive.  I think others in my family might've felt that way too.  For example, my uncle Lanny put a new headstone on Olie's grave.  Lanny was just a little fella when Olie died; I think he was about 3.

These are just a few of the stories I'd like to share, as well as some of the fictional characters I've created over the years.  Some of my characters are loosely based on real people and real events, but in general most are purely made up.  Here's an example of that:  I used to wonder what it would've been like if Lorene and her first husband had adopted a child, or had a baby late in life. Everette was only in his early 40s when he died, so he would've died very early in this baby's life.  I came up with a lot of good stories and characters from that "what if" story. Many of my stories are "what ifs" or at least they start out that way.  I do a lot of research into the past to find details and ideas.  Like looking at Olie's death certificate and obituary. 

I need to be looking at the inside of my eyelids.  Gotta go make that money while it's there.

Just remember I love you, more than I can say... maybe then your blues will fade away

And I almost titled this one "Your Love Has Lifted Me Higher," because it was out that year.  I was just tired of looking for a more appropriate title from the year in my mind. 

In 1977, I turned ten. My world was pretty small. I was born in Nashville but I lived just north of the county line in Ridgetop.  I thought Nashville was a pretty important place, like Chicago or New York.  I had no idea that there were bigger places in the world, though I had heard of far-away cities like New York and Atlanta.  I had been to the ocean in North Carolina, which made me a little different from my classmates who went to PCB every couple of years.

Two girls moved in up the road from my grandparents' house in the mid '70s.  They were from Seattle, which was way, way up in the return address corner of the United States.  Looking at it on the globe, it looked like it would be much colder, and I learned that sometimes it was, but they had a lot of weather similar to ours in Tennessee with sunshine and rain.  Humidity was something else.  It's still something else, let me tell you.

Looking back, I never began to comprehend what it must have been like to be a newcomer in a town like Ridgetop.  Having moved out of town a few times since then, I feel a little sorry about that. Everybody in Ridgetop must have seemed to be related. They moved to a house on a hill, a house built by my grandmother's family when she was a little girl and their old house on that same location burned.  From the front yard one could see eight houses.  I had relatives in two of those houses, my grandmother and her cousin Jerry.  Another neighbor was my aunt's sister-in-law.  She grew up there too.

That summer the neighbor girls' dad was transferred and they returned to Seattle.  Elvis died, Star Wars premiered, and other things happened that stamped the year in my memory. One happened to my brother.  Mom took him to day care, where he refused to drink the milk.  They thought he was just "faking" when he said he was allergic.  He obeyed.  He vomited.  Mom found another babysitter quick, cousin Jerry's wife Wanda.  Mom hadn't considered really thought of her earlier because she seemed to keep a lot of kids and had her hands full.  To my knowledge though, she never lost any!  At first I stayed by myself at my grandmother's house that summer, but there was some family trouble going on (other unforgettable events I don't want to write about tonight, and a few I didn't really understand) so I started going to Wanda's too.  I think she saw me as another big kid who could help with the little ones, like her younger brother and nephews who dropped in frequently.

Jerry was one of my favorite relatives.  He was one of those people who always had a smile.  Even in sad moments, he could muster up a grin.  He was funny and kind.  When I was a very little girl, long before 1977, I remember thinking he was cute.  Back then we called him "Jerry Lee."  I noticed a lot of my relatives calling him that today; I even found myself saying it.  When he was born he had a hole in his heart, and some of my earliest memories of him involved him being in the hospital in serious condition, having had a heart attack or something at a very early age (like 24 maybe?).  I remember being told his heart had stopped but he was brought back to life.  I knew what that meant.  It was very scary and I remember being very afraid that he would die.

I wish I could've seen him recently.  Most of the times I've seen him over the past 20 years were when he was working on cars out in the yard and the garage, and I was driving by on my way to Mom's and Granddaddy's.  I think I saw him at Mom's funeral; I know I saw him at Granddaddy's and talked to him for quite a while.

Today I went to his funeral.  I sure hated to see him go.  I pray for Wanda and his kids and grandkids.  Ridgetop is a sadder place without him for sure.

It's Only Make-Believe

So I'm watching CNN and I think, what if there was a parody character called "Kellyanne Conway Twitty"??? And of course, I am not the first to think of this... I'm not sure who was, but Seth MacFarlane, for one, beat me to the punch.



Ah, Seth MacFarlane... I have mixed feelings about him... he is drop-dead gorgeous and insanely talented, but his sense of humor is no smarter than a fifth-grader.  A precocious fifth-grader, but... anyway, great minds think alike, eh??? ;D

Seth either loves or loves to rag on ol' Conway.  Like all Southern white kids in the 70s, I was exposed to regular doses of Conway Twitty.  We watched all those GREAT country music TV shows every Saturday afternoon (as my Granny used to say about watching Andy Griffith) BECAUSE WE HAD TO.  Now, I really love to wax nostalgic about the old country shows and seriously, they played a YUGE part in making me the music lover I am today.  The TV alternatives were limited.  Today's youngsters can not begin to imagine three or four channels. Even the "big three" have local networks!

I don't remember just three channels. I don't remember a time before PBS. I'm not sure when public TV came to Nashville, but I do remember seeing "Sesame Street" mentioned on another show, before I had discovered the Muppets.  That was the first time I ever saw that my mom tried to hide things from me.  She did not want me to start watching "Sesame Street" because she foresaw exactly what happened. She knew I'd get hooked. She didn't want to have to watch silly puppets!

If she were here, I would ask her if she really thought Gilligan was any better.

But back to Conway Twitty.  I DID discover him when I was young, like age four, but that's when he looked like this (from "Hee Haw," by the way, and also used by Seth MacFarlane on "Family Guy"):



If I'd discovered him when he looked like he did in this next clip, I probably would have thought he was hot, like my aunt Peggy and a lot of other women who were young in the 1960s and 70s did. OMG. When Conway died on June 5, 1993, Peggy and one of her friends stayed up late, drinking adult beverages, crying and listening to his music, probably on vinyl... possibly on cassette... maybe, but probably not, on 8-track... and maybe on a CD... not everyone had a player then but they were gaining popularity.  I understood that SHE liked him and I could understand, kind of, because I figured she was about 50 and he was probably about 50 and he sang all those sexy songs and had kind of a cool voice, but I didn't think he was HOT.  But in this clip below, he was kind of cute, and that song is freakin' amazing:



Here is another phenomenal clip of the same song... I did not know this show existed.  As performances go, it's not the best Conway ever did (although it might explain why he didn't dance much once color TV footage began), but it's a piece of broadcasting history for Dick Clark's intro alone. Conway looked very uncomfortable and staged, and had to be lip-synching (I just don't think there was any other way back then) but wow! What a lucky break for an Arkansas boy to share a TV audience with Fabian!



It's only make-believe... just like he's making believe he is singing...  I have a real-life, not make-believe, Conway Twitty story.  When I was 12, I ran into him - I mean, I literally ran.into.him - in a bowling alley in Hendersonville, TN.  He was polite, maybe a little annoyed, but polite.  Later I saw him playing in the 11th Frame Lounge, adjoining the bowling alley, just through the door.  I didn't go in.  That would've been a riot. I was there with my church youth group.  He didn't look it in black-and-white, but he was in his mid-20s by the time he made it to Dick Clark's Beech-Nut Show.  That makes me feel better.  I think it's kind of creepy for an old woman to think such a young man would be attractive!  But my daughter will be 25 this summer - NEXT MONTH! - so I guess that's why Conway looks like a kid in those video clips.

I have always had a great sense of imagination. I'm glad that it has grown up along with me, but I am really sorry that I haven't written everything I've dreamt up over the years.  I created characters based on people I knew but mostly based on "what if" scenarios I dreamed up about them.  I have a lot of these stories but now, I don't have nearly enough time to write about them. I'm trying, though. I'm busy in my "real job" but I have a lot more time than I let myself believe.  I like writing non-fiction as well as fiction.. or maybe I should say, real life as much as make-believe.  I'm blessed to have great memories and imagination for both.

Loving a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be...

Well, you can say that again.  I'm still waiting for my tour bus and swimming pool. Hahaha!  I can't really complain, though.  He's a good husband and he's bringing home dinner!!!  Also, our band is playing this weekend... but more about that later.

So I have a lot of big plans for my writing and webpages. I know, I say that about once a year, but maybe God is trying to tell me something. 

For one thing, I'm not getting a lot of work hours right now, and this was supposed to be one of my busy times.  In February, I had 21.5 weekdays scheduled to work in March. By March 1, two days had already been canceled. On March 3, a tech called about her upcoming some surgery, which will put her out 8 weeks. She works 4 days a week. Of course, I have some days I'm scheduled to go other places. I can only be one place at a time, but the lead tech knows this, and I'm sure they'll work out the details when it gets a little closer.

On March 6, I learned that I wouldn't be needed on the 7th as well as the 12th through the 15th.  They also cancelled 4 more weeks scattered through the rest of the year at that location. On the 7th, I learned they could not use me on the 8th.  I called the CPR office and was able to pick up a few days there. That day, the surgery date was set for the above-mentioned tech, so I was able to make some plans, which included two days of teaching CPR, including the 13th and 14th. Naturally, as soon as I did that, a coworker asked if I could work on the 14th, so I canceled that day too.  A few hours later, the lead tech asked if I could work on the 13th. I told her that I had just canceled 3 CPR days and I need CPR to keep the wolf from the door during the slow times, but I'd work in the morning if she needed me to, and she took me up on that.  So, I ended up working a half a day on the 13th, then rushing over to teach CPR. On my way home, I got a text message saying that they did not need me on the 14th after all. Unfortunately, they didn't need me to teach CPR by then either.  Last night they called me in to work today, where I learned that I am no longer needed Wednesday through Friday. So I was planning to work 21.5 days and I'll end up with 13.5, unless something changes.

And so it goes.

Besides that, I've been inspired to do a lot more writing. A few months ago, I started subscribing to a website called newspapers.com.  I'd heard of it before, when I was teaching, but I didn't subscribe because I didn't think I could get my money's worth out of it.  In one of my "fact-finding missions" I do researching sometimes, I discovered an article on the site and it suddenly dawned on me... I could use it to help me with Hee Haw, country music history, Frank Sutton history, Ridgetop history, and the list goes on.  We're playing this coming Saturday night, the 25th, in Dickson, TN, at the VFW.  I don't know the time, I would guess 8:00 pm, but I will try to get that updated ASAP.  I also want to get the Brewer's Chapel page updated. In the next few months we will be getting a new pastor. This is pretty standard procedure, Methodists switch out pastors every few years and our pastor's getting ready to retire. He has had some health issues in the past, but this past year has been particularly hard on him. I am not sure what to expect from our new pastor, but we have had this website for a long time that I haven't been updating, and I think if we want more younger people involved in the church, a strong web presence would be a good thing... and that includes getting control of the Brewer's Chapel Facebook page.  A former pastor started it, which is cool, but since he's somewhere else, we need to get that.  I don't mind updating it, either, as long as I don't have to tweet!

Those two things alone would be plenty of writing, but the Hee Haw page needs some serious updating too.  One of those days off this week I will go to Springfield, to the library to do some research, and to take some pictures of the Royal Inn before it gets torn down. Now, it may be years before they tear the place down, but it could be tomorrow!  There is a man named James Lileks, a writer and reporter in Minneapolis who has a website with motel postcards, etc. Really, he has a veritable treasure trove of modern American history.  I need to send him a picture of the Royal Inn if I can get one before they tear it down, since he has one from there.  Maybe I can send him a link to that pic on the FB "You Know You're From Springfield, TN if..." page, too.  I'm sure Bill Jones would enjoy Lileks' webpage.  It'd also be good if I can get it on my Royalty page too. 

So I have a lot of exciting ideas for my webpages. Another idea I'm considering is oral history type stuff, or interviews with older folks.  I think there are organizations like libraries that have organized programs for this, so I'll have to check into it.  Another oral history idea I have is doing people's memories it Brewers Chapel in a online type thing, maybe on the web page.

But if you will, bear with me a couple of weeks because I'm scheduled to take the MRI registry exam on Friday, March 31. I will be doing a lot of studying for that in the next couple weeks. After that, I plan to be writing a lot.  Of course, if I'm working in MRI a lot at that time, then I won't really have a lot of time to work on writing then either, but I'm pretty motivated right now. I've discovered that I can dictate while I'm driving.  I can set up the phone and the iPad both to record my dictation, and I can also use the voice recognition to record on the other one so I can put them together when I get home.  That's what I've done today. It's taken me some time, but I still have several hours before I have to go to bed, so I can study after dinner.

One more time for all of the old times!

Yesterday I worked in home health and in my free time (and afterward) I did some karaoke "hopping."  My first stop was Knight's Pizza in Greenbrier.  They need a web page!  Hey, if y'all are reading this and you need a web page, let me know by posting a reply to this post and I will get you started cheap! 

The next place I went, after work, was CJ's Grille in White House. These folks need a web page too, but they DO have a Facebook page.  I put the other link in just because I know not everybody does Facebook.  For that matter there are still a few people who don't use the Internet all the time like I do. 

All that singing had me in a great mood going from my first patient's house to my second and going home too, although by then the singing was over because the voice was tired.  Of course I really enjoy doing home health, but some days the driving gets tedious and occasionally I am in a lot of pain from beginning to end and sometimes the next day as well. 

Today there was church and then dinner at Logan's in Clarksville.  Since then it's been a day for curling up on the couch and halfway watching a movie with Randy (Machete Kills - wouldn't have been my choice, but it's got a huge cast and it's somewhat entertaining.  I would rate it NC17 for violence and language, but it's certainly not boring.). It's cold and rainy here, and we've just begun to get thunder.  Thunder snows are rare.  I haven't heard any sleet, but hopefully it will just go straight to 3 or 4 inches of snow and we won't have any of this "wintry mix" we keep hearing about.

The first time I remember hearing thunder when it was snowing was when I was almost 11.  Mom was very, very pregnant with Garner and that winter had been particularly bad.  It was 1978,one of those years we ran out of snow days and some of those snows were over six inches.  It was a sort of scary afternoon, and we needed our clothes washed, and we didn't have a washer and dryer in our apartment so we got in the VW and went to the laundromat in Greenbrier.  (Now, there is a laundromat within walking distance!)  Dad came up there looking for us because we weren't home and the weather was horrible.  Everything was all right.  We were just hurrying to get everything done so we could get home out of the elements.  By the way, the website I used for that 1978 link is pretty cool.  One can easily compare the data from the past to the future to see if they still believe in global warming, or just to prove that yes, dear, we did get deeper snows and more of them in the '70s.  Don't ask me why.

Here's a healthcare funny I might share with my students.  What if the doctor wore the johnny?

'Cause we live in a time when meaning falls in splinters from our lives

Today has been a hard day.

It has been a month now, and I can't say it makes sense yet.  I feel terrible, like somehow I let her down by not being able to keep her alive.  She wanted to live, so badly.  And yet I know that she wouldn't want to come back now.  She suffered so much.  I think she just got so tired.

I miss her.  I wish I could have kept her with me for the rest of my life, but only if she was healthy and enjoying life, and not having to go through all that chemo and radiation.  I thought about that occasionally, like what if we were out on a Sunday afternoon and had an accident and went together?  But that's not the way it happened and for the family's sake, I know that's a good thing. 

This experience has changed me and I'm not sure I like the way I have turned out, but I have learned a lot about myself in the past month.

I know that life is short.  I have spent too much time playing cards and looking at silly blogs and tumblrs.  I am going to use my spring break a little more wisely than I have in the past.  I am going to declutter my house 15 minutes at a time.  Yes, that's a FlyLady concept but please don't put me on the email list!  I have to declutter my emails!!!  :D

I know that life is short and we should do things we want to do and things we think will make a difference in the world, even if the difference seems small.  I have searched my heart and my soul to figure out if I am headed in the right direction.

I have had to face some of my past, not that I have a lot of regrets, but I think we should learn from our past, and one mistake I have made over and over and over again is that I seem to never be happy.  Is that why I can't get a nuclear medicine job in Nashville, because I have the reputation for never being content where I am?  I know that's why I have such a dirty house, because I was never happy living here.  I wanted to live in Ridgetop.  Now, I don't have much reason to.  Mom's gone, Grandaddy's gone, and Randy works 40 miles from there.  This house is 17.5 miles from his work and 18.5 miles from mine... and I only work 10 months out of the year. 

I like my car, though.

I may not always like teaching but I like my classroom.  I could improve it, but I like it.

It's late and I have an appointment early.  It may not ever make sense, but maybe I can be at peace with that.

I will wait, I will wait for you...

I like this song.  It's actually being performed on the Grammys right now.  I am really out of touch most of the time but I like this song and these guys.

I have spent a lot of time waiting in the last few days.  Waiting for Mom to take the next breath when she laid there on the bed breathing and then not breathing again for 15 or 20 seconds.  She's been like this since Friday.  I went home today because I needed to go home, I guess.  I have cried and I have slept and I've eaten.  My mind is shot... maybe my body is too, but it's probably better than my mind.

I suspect that my next journal entry will be describing the end of her journey.  Maybe then I will be able to make sense of it all.

Love is in the air...

Probably the most overused blog title on this day. So what?

We celebrated Valentine's Day in the tradition we started the night before Derek was born. It was raining hard that night. I was scheduled to be induced at 7 the next morning. We dropped Rachel, then 2.5, off with Randy's sister Amy & her family. There weren't as many places to eat around here then. We went to Red Lobster, and it was packed. We looked somewhere else, but I can't remember where. Anyway, we finally went to Cracker Barrel and they got us in. We sat at a quiet little table for two with one of those oil lamps... it was very sweet and even a little romantic.

After that, it was kind of hard to get a babysitter for Valentine's Day in the middle of the week. It was just easier to take the kids along and make it a family meal. We haven't done it every year, and Rachel couldn't be with us this year. We talked about it, but Derek was going to a competition today, and we weren't sure when he'd be home. In the meantime, she made plans to go to church tonight. It just didn't time out for us to all go together.

Well, now Randy's going to bed and I'm watching a show about a group that's working against gang violence in Chicago. When I decided to become a teacher, I didn't get into it to be a community changer. I thought I would work at Sycamore, where I could work the hours my kids were in school and be available to go to their sports events and be off when D was practicing for football. And I was, even though I didn't work at Sycamore. But I was teaching in a different universe. I was teaching in South Nashville, where I really felt like I got to know my students and I felt like I was making a difference in the lives of the kids.

I liked it, but when the opportunity to work closer to home came, I took it. I loved my new classroom, but I missed the community. I still miss it, really, but I know there are kids who need help here too. There aren't as many businesses wanting to throw money at the public school system here, but I know a lot of the kids are living in those same types of communities... kids getting shot (there were three young adults shot last semester, most known by many kids from school), kids getting killed in car accidents, kids who are being abused, neglected, you name it. It's a crazy world, and yet, if we'd lived 300 yards east of here, our kids would've been zoned for it. And even though we live 15 miles from the "hood," we only have to look out the living room window to see a lot of the same issues. Our neighbors (and I'm not just talking about the ones in the subdivision) don't look different from us, but they have family in jail, and problems. The mission field is right around me.

I said, watch what you say, now we're calling you a radical, a liberal, oh, fanatical, criminal

I picked this song because of the word "Radical." I couldn't think of another song that used that word, and I'll get to why I used it. When I looked up the lyrics and hummed through it, memories came flooding over me. Today's been a day full of memories, because I saw a photo - well, 3 actually - of the first boy I ever kissed (my first real, grown-up kiss anyway...and he's sure changed) and also because I have been watching "The Waltons" all summer. Back in 2008, I watched it all the way from the first season to the end, & at the beginning, I thought, I wonder what I saw in Jim-Bob! Then when they got to the later seasons, I remembered when I was 11, 12 years old and I had a thing for tall, skinny, buck-toothed boys.

It's funny how in the end, they all seem to look alike...

But that's not why I picked this song for today's lyric.

I picked the lyric with the word "Radical" because I read the David Platt book by the same name. I REALLY liked it, but now, on day two of the Radical Experiment, I am beginning to come down off the mountain. Blame it on my online class, for taking up so much of my focus today!

Check out the site...www.radicalthebook.com is the book's site, and from there you can get to the experiment link.

I agree with the fact that so often today's churches are focused on the wrong things, like building huge buildings instead of sending missionaries to poor countries. One critic said "Poverty isn't the biggest problem" (Platt doesn't say that it is, either) and goes on to sing the praises of capitalism. I have nothing against capitalism. Done right, it can be a good thing. On the other hand, I don't think all poor people are there by choice, or by bad decisions. I've been the primary breadwinner and lost my high-paying job. I'm one of the lucky ones. I could do something else, even if it did only pay half what my old job paid. Many others can't make more than minimum wage, which won't pay the bills. There are plenty of better paying jobs which require more training or different experience.

Oh, and by the way, if you were not Christian, and starving because your country is in a civil war and a famine, would you accept Jesus just because someone told you you would burn in Hell if you didn't? Of course not. However, you might be persuaded if a Christian gave you food and water first and then told you about a Savior who loves you more than they do. Poverty isn't the big issue, but if you don't show love and help meet needs, your message is going to blow in the wind with all that dust.

I could go on and on about this. I won't, not tonight anyway. Look for the book. See what you think.

Love ya. Mean it.

If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby

This song said it all in 1979.

I was 12 years old and madly, crazy in love with Tracey Evetts. He was two years older than me and I thought he was the most beautiful creature God put on this earth. He played baseball for my dad and he left his glove in the truck at the end of the season. I slept with it under my pillow for a year.

He had a blue bike and I had a red one. Our grandparents lived in the same neighborhood (and had for 75 years). From Tracey, I learned how to play "Galaga" because that game was at the grocery store. He knew I existed, but I'm sure he just thought I was a silly little girl.

In 7th grade, we had this unspoken agreement. When he got on the bus at the high school, he knew he had a seat next to me. I don't remember telling people not to sit there, but I must have let it be known that was his seat. He was a pest. I loved it, but I never let on. I still sort of liked him then, but by then, I was spending a lot of time on the phone with one of his buddies. As teenage "love" goes, his buddy thought I was a silly little girl, and had a crush on another girl.

In 9th grade I fell for him all over again. I don't really remember what went right, or what went wrong that time. I do remember Mom telling me she didn't know why I kept fooling with him, that he didn't care a thing about me, and that I could find someone who DID care about me. Tracey fell in love with another girl, and eventually they got married. Meanwhile, I dated several people, some who cared a lot, and others who really didn't. Most of them didn't pass muster with the parents either. I wondered if they ever thought they'd have been better off if I'd held out for Tracey. (Truthfully, looking back, I know my mom didn't. Don't know how Daddy felt though.)

A few years later, I got married too. One day we happened to be staying in the same place, with relatives at the lake, and he told me how impressed he was at what I was doing. It was nice.

Our lives went different ways. He got divorced. At that time, Randy and I were in Madisonville, having a baby. Randy and I hit a rough patch a little later, around the time we moved back to Tennessee. By then, he was married again, and they were having a baby. I only saw him once in all those years after that. He didn't quite look like the cute little boy who rode the blue bicycle...but then, I didn't look the same either. I couldn't hold that against him. He signed my guestbook on Classmates about 18 months ago. I thought that was nice.

All through these years I have loved those same songs I liked in 1978 and 1979. It was the music I loved when I was 12 years old, when life was fun, when I believed I would grow up to be pretty, and successful, and have everything I dreamed I would have. Good memories.

I loved living in my hometown. It's a good place. I live about 30 minutes from there now. You can live in town and walk to the store, or to school, or to the Post Office. You don't have to drive 5 miles to get a gallon of milk. If you do drive 5 or 6 miles, you can sit down and eat at any kind of restaurant or shop at any kind of store. (Of course, you only have to drive 10 miles for that here.) The best thing about it was that all my family was/is right there. I have often told people I miss those days when my parents and their friends would get together, and how the best times of my childhood were those neighborhood 4th of July parties and gatherings. Some people there still have those kind of get-togethers with their school buddies. I didn't know this until recently. I learned this when he died a little over 2 weeks ago.

I learned this on Facebook. It may sound superstitious, but I'll never check my Facebook during lunch on an "A" day again. It's a school thing - we have classes on alternating days. On A days my planning period is 1st; on B days it's last period. So...I have to plan for B days at the end of A days. I checked Facebook at lunch, didn't have a planning period afterward, left, distraught, at the end of the day and came in at the beginning of the next week on a B day for which I hadn't planned properly. No. I'll never do it again. I depend too much on my ability to plan for the next day, and I can't take a chance on being devastated at the end of the day.

It made me sad for his wife and his daughter. It made me thankful to have my sweet Randy. It made me feel old to think it has been that long - 30 years - since we rode the bus and he hit me with the two big nails he soldered together. It made me feel strange to realize that what I am now is all because of those days and the things I did then. It made me feel empty to think of all that I have missed living here, where I have nothing in common with my neighbors and my family's 30 minutes away and my kids don't go to school with the children of my classmates.

I have spent too much time on the computer when I should have been doing things with people. A lot of those times I was here because Randy was doing his own thing, either playing cards or playing music, and the kids were too little to leave alone, and I didn't have the money to pay someone to watch them while I did my own thing. Now they are bigger, and they don't need me as much as they did then. Rachel will be in college this time next year.

I've had a great life not living in Ridgetop. I've made a lot of friends over the years. I still see people from Ridgetop a lot. I get home often. (Probably not often enough!) In some ways, though, I've missed out on a lot.

This year has been particularly hard because it takes me 30 or more hours a week to prepare for the 40 I spend teaching, and after you count the 10 hours a week I spend commuting and the 10 I spend eating breakfast, showering, reading the paper, checking email, etc. every week, and the 56 I should spend sleeping, that only leaves 22 hours a week to do everything else. That sounds like a lot until you think of what all has to be done. Church is 2 or more hours a week. (I'm glad I became a Methodist! If I were still Baptist that would be more like 5 or 6 hours.) Going to Mom's takes 30 minutes each way, so if I visit for 2 hours, that's 3 hours total. That leaves 17 hours, divided over 7 days...meaning, I only have about 2.5 hours a day to relax and that's not really accurate because I have to do things like go to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. I'd like to work out more often, but that's 30 minutes each way travel time and 30 minutes of exercise. And, of course, I spend about an hour of my day on Facebook, but I do get a little social interaction out of that. It's no wonder I feel isolated, though.

I didn't make new year's resolutions this year. Today, though, Feb. 1, I am making new month's resolutions. In my journal, sometime around Jan. 1, I wrote that I need to be happy with the life I have. I do intend to do that. I also intend to start spending more time with my friends while I can.

Happy New Year to All!

I have about 10 minutes to spare this morning so here I am. I have a new website to tell you about. The URL is www.singingbush.com and it's the beginning of what will be my music website. I still have to add pictures, and to figure out how to add MP3s, but it is off to a nice start. Actually, I need to edit something on it, so I guess I only have 5 minutes now.

Musically, things are going great right now. I am singing for a couple of local nursing homes in the next month, and this excites me. After Granny's few weeks in a nursing home I really feel for people who are in there and can't go anywhere. A lot of them love music but can't go see any performers, and there are a lot of them who don't have a DVD player or don't know how to use one.

(Kind of like I don't know how to text without looking at the cell phone in annoyance. They finally found something electronic that I can't do. Or, at least, I can't do very well.)

Anyway, I am looking forward to giving those good folks a little distraction from their long and lonely days. I think it will be good for me too, and not just as a way for me to hone my entertainment skills. A few weeks ago I went to visit my great-aunt and -uncle in Ridgetop and it was as much a blessing for me as for them. They are so entertaining. The story of that would take another day to write!

I also took them a copy of the demo CD I made, which they LOVED and immediately asked for more copies of, to give to other relatives. It was what I call "Sampler 3.0" because it was the third one...I made a copy of three songs I did here at the house with Audacity & my accompaniment tracks, then I got three done at the studio at Opry Mills, then I took those together & put them on one. Now I am on "4.0" because I re-did one of my songs that I did here at home. I like the mix much, much better. Anyway, I am trying to figure out how to put clips of those on my website. In time!

My time has run out this morning! I have to go with Derek to his wrestling "banquet." They are "rock" climbing in Nashville! After that we are going to a movie. More later.

You can't always get what you want.

Wow. Two posts in one day. I haven't played the game yet. I've been tempted but I stayed away. I'll go to bed shortly. It's just now getting dark here, but O-dark-thirty comes mighty fast. Randy & Rachel are watching "No Country For Old Men." I've sort of watched it too...been checking email, planning my tomorrow, washing dishes, & that kind of stuff while the movie's been running.

I can't say I've been a lot more cheerful since I got home, but I've cleaned out the bag of medical bills (& got the checks ready to mail in the morning!), cleaned out the fridge & washed the dishes. I've washed some clothes too. So I feel like I've accomplished something.

I have been on a hippie wannabe kick lately. I have to wonder about something. Maybe there are some old hippies out there who can answer this for me. It seems to me that becoming a hippie in 2008 is more expensive than living in the mainstream. Now, you can look at this in the long term & think, well, non-sustainable living isn't really cheaper...but that isn't my point. My point is, in the short-term, it seems to be more expensive to eat locally grown food & buy earth-friendly clothing. You can save money on makeup & hair care (of course, if you have a real job you might have to invest in a few grooming products - & again, if you use the "green" stuff it's going to cost you more than the Dollar General store stuff). So, my question is this. Was it more expensive to be a hippie instead of a conformist in the 60's? I don't see evidence that it was...but I was born in 1967 so I don't know this for certain.

I know we didn't have much, & we didn't live like hippies. We lived in a trailer. My parents were young, but they weren't hippies. My mom wasn't anti-hippie. She shared a lot of their values like being for peace & accepting people for what they are. She liked some of the music but she will tell you she didn't "get" the messages, except maybe the ones about stopping the war. Most young mothers in our hometown were like Mom was back then. She liked fashion too much to be a hippie. I can't imagine my mom letting her hair grow wild. Not back then anyway. She probably also cared about the fact that being a hippie wasn't so widely accepted in our hometown back then. At that time she wasn't really ready to take that step.

My dad could've been anti-hippie. He was a clean-cut Merle Haggard fan. You know, "We don't smoke marijuana in Muskogee." A few years down the road, Dad let his hair grow out a little & had Elvis-style sideburns, & would've lived in a cabin in the wilderness if he hadn't already owed money on a house in a subdivision. But a hippie he was not, even though his dad owned a VW bus.

I thought hippies were cool back then, but I didn't know about all the protests & drugs. I just knew about the psychedelic vans & clothes & the cool music, the people with long hair who said "groovy" & hung beads in the doorway. Lava lamps were cool, but like VW buses, I didn't associate them with hippies because my non-hippie aunt had one. She also had a gold Nova & watched PBS a lot.

Now I want to be a hippie but I can't seem to get what I want! But for now, I need to go to bed. Later!

Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find

Quick! Name that tune.

If you said, "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon, you're right!

Last night I was angry. I had gotten stuck with a little job I didn't really want, & having been upset with Randy the night before for a similar situation, I blamed him once again. I don't want to get into the specifics of the argument, though I don't mind saying that it was one of those typical old married people arguments where one partner feels the other has taken advantage of them, but the fight's over & behind us now, so that's all I'll say about that.

After the argument was over & we'd made peace for the night (because that is very important for me), this song came into my mind while I was mentally reciting the Lord's Prayer.

This song came out just before this time of year in 1984, my senior year of high school. At first I felt like the song was a distraction, because it reminds me of a crush I had at the time, but I suspected that the song was there for a reason, so I let it continue to play in my head. To this day, when I hear the line about "the candle in the window on a cold dark winter night," in my mind's eye I see the single Christmas light in each window of the guy's home, overlooking the lake in my hometown.

The crush began - or at least became obvious to me - on Thanksgiving morning 1984, when I awoke from a very graphic dream about him. Before that, I barely even talked to him, though we had some mutual friends. The crush didn't last a terribly long time, but it changed me.

The guy was a lot like the man I ended up marrying. It's hard to explain, but I think I might not have given Randy a chance if I hadn't liked the other guy first. In my fiction, I also loosely based a boyfriend of one of my favorite characters on the guy & the feelings I had for him.

I thought maybe this song was a reminder to be thankful for those weird situations like a crush on someone I'd never thought about before, because you don't always know what blessings a strange dream might bring. But when, in my mind, I remembered the lyric I used as today's title, I knew why it was there. As aggravating as Randy can be, he takes me to places that alone I'd never find. And I want to do that for him. I want to do that for EVERYBODY who knows me.

Maybe not in the same way, though.

you better stop and smell the roses

I wish I could smell today. I am congested. I dreamed that I was congested, & when I woke up, I knew why. So, we stayed home from church. We weren't planning a trip to see the family this afternoon because Mom had plans. She was planning to either celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday with her family, or her brother's birthday with his.

We didn't get invited to either of those. I didn't expect to be invited to my sister-in-law's family dinner. Randy's mom doesn't invite my brother & his family to Randy's birthday dinner (though I'm sure they'd be welcome). As for Mom's brother's big surprise blow-out (which is going on right now, so it's not a surprise anymore), I think they all believe we live SO FAR AWAY that we wouldn't be able to come. I tell myself this, so I won't think it's because they just don't want us around. Really, though, I think it's more like what I said. We live 25 miles away - only about 250 feet from the very county in which they live. I drive further than that to work every day. But because I don't live under foot in Ridgetop, I might as well still live in Kentucky, like I did FOURTEEN YEARS AGO.

As it turned out, I had a cold today anyway. Instead of rushing around today, wearing myself out, I'm taking a day of rest, hoping to feel better tomorrow when I hit the ground running & go back to work. Yesterday the whole family went to eat at the Blackhorse in Clarksville (half courtesy of Jostens, who gave a gift card as a Bingo prize at the employee picnic last week), then Rachel & I went shopping for awhile, until I got a blister on my foot. She & I were both tired & stressed by the time we got home. She spent the night with her friend Ashley, Derek spent the evening with his new Xbox 360 (which, I am proud to say, he sold other games, etc. to pay for!), & Randy laid on the bed watching TV while I watched "ER" & burned some Elvis stuff I had on TiVo to DVD for my personal collection. I just love the 70's concert with the light blue jumpsuit.

So, I guess I'd better get up & do some stuff to get my week organized. Fortunately, this week should be slightly easier than most because the kids are out of school & Randy's off work part of the week. If I can organize the household chores so that the house doesn't get too dirty & the clothes stay washed, then maybe the kids (Rachel, at least) can help with dinner, & maybe I won't be spending tons of money all the time. Of course, this means the kids will be eating me out of house & home...but not costing me as much in lunch money.

Later!

Don't stand so close to me

Don't stand behind me watching what I'm writing. It's not that I have any secrets from you - if I do, they're fun things I have planned to surprise you with later - but I had something to say & with you standing behind me I can't think of how to put it.

There. Now he's gone. The hubby was standing behind me & whether or not he was looking over my shoulder, I couldn't stand it! Ordinarily I enjoy being close to him.

Anyway, I have just a couple things to write today. We have a busy weekend planned.

Today, we - the whole family (of course, with only 2 kids this isn't quite the undertaking it sounds like) - head to Nashville. Our first stop is Derek's recheck by the plastic surgeon. He was born with a cleft lip & palate, & most of the time this doesn't bother him at all. We know that there's another surgery sometime "in the teen years" so this might be one of the more significant appointments he has in his life.

We're making a day of it. We're going to eat afterwards (probably at The Mellow Mushroom - the kids love it) & then Randy & the kids will drop me off at Vanderbilt to ponder future options & changes that might be in the works while they go shopping, most likely at Grimey's.

After that we'll head home. I have a busy evening preparing for VBS tomorrow - a one day extravaganza. This is my first time to teach since 2003. I am not ready.

Sunday we go to Ridgetop to my mom's to celebrate the birthdays of my brother Trever (34 today) & my dear Rachel who will be 15 on the 31st.

So I have a busy weekend ahead of me!!!

Never say goodbye.

Tonight I'm going to wax nostalgic for a bit.

You see, here in Middle Tennessee, a unique and special man is leaving the airwaves, signing off after 41 years on the air. Well, maybe he was actually on air somewhere before 1967, but he's been at NewsChannel 5 since 1966. His name is Chris Clark.

Chris Clark has been at Channel 5 ALL MY LIFE. Not that the man is old. He is 68, but he looks like he's got plenty of years left. One of my co-workers said, "I remember when he came to Channel 5." I said, "I don't." Other news reporters have come & gone. The "competition," WSMV, Channel 4, has been home to John Tesh & Pat Sajak. Chris himself hired a young Oprah Winfrey. On the Channel 5 website, it says he is the longest-running anchor in Channel 5 history. Well, DUH! I wonder how many news reporters ANYWHERE have lasted at one station longer than 41 years. Not many, I would wager.

Here is an excerpt (well, most of) the e-mail I sent to Chris:

I was born in Nashville in 1967 & have lived in the Channel 5 Viewing Area
my entire life - in Ridgetop, Goodlettsville, Greenbrier, Clarksville, & Pleasant View. When I was 22 & moved to Madisonville, KY, I was so relieved to see that WTVF was on the local cable!!! My husband can vouch for the fact that when I was homesick, I would watch Channel 5 just to get a little dose of home. (Although I was known to cry at the sight of a Tennessee Pride sausage commercial. Something about tasting the sunrise, I guess.)

Chris, you have been one of the family. Your smiling face entered our living room every night at 6 sharp. When I was starting kindergarten my mom said, "You'll sit at a desk," & immediately I thought of Chris Clark & the news desk at Channel 5. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed when I got to school!

NewsChannel 5 without Chris Clark will be like fries without ketchup & cereal without milk - it'll still be NewsChannel 5 but it won't be the same!!!

Wishing you all life's blessings & especially a long, healthy & happy retirement!

I didn't share the story about my grandparents' dog, Dixie. She used to get excited at 10 pm every night because it was time for her evening treat. Granddaddy swore she could tell time because she would look at the clock. I countered that it was because she recognized Chris Clark's voice over the TV. Maybe we were both right.

There's not much I can say that hasn't already been said about this man who has, in my mind, been synonymous with Channel 5 and Nashville news in general. When I was a kid, I thought he was at least as knowledgeable & popular as Walter Cronkite; as a young adult, I realized he was only human & wasn't perfect about everything, but you have to say this for the man - a more dedicated newsman you'll never find. I mean, 41 years at one job! That says it all.

Best wishes, Chris - we'll see you then.

happy anniversary baby, got you on my mi-i-ind

Twenty years ago today Randy & I became a couple. Oh, wait a minute. That would be 20 years ago yesterday, now...it's officially 4/29 here. But it's 4/28 somewhere. Anyway, as is usually the case on anniversaries, only one of us is home - tonight it's me. Randy is being a Cheatham County Rock Star at one of his Cheatham County classmates' birthday party. The 40th. Yes, I know. It is rapidly - very rapidly - approaching. If the gap between this blog & the next is as long as the one between this one & the last, I'll be 40 when I blog again.

I went out & spent a bunch of money today buying shoes. It's sales-tax-free weekend, for clothing & school supplies anyway. (Here in TN we normally pay a rather exorbitant sales tax on everything, including food.) I was NOT the only person who had the idea to shop today. The mall was jam-packed. I won't go into all the horrible things I saw there - suffice it to say that when we finally made our purchase, I was good & ready to get out of there.

This week has gone by quickly & it has been somewhat eventful. I pulled some strings & got the results of my CPAP titration done a few weeks ago. I am waiting on the doctor's office to get me my very own machine with all the bells & whistles, but meanwhile I am using Randy's old one. I love the Internet. Using it, I learned how to reset the machine so it's on MY pressure instead of Randy's. I know some people hate the things & I do have my middle-of-the-night moments when I can't get comfortable with it, but the very next day I saw a huge difference, & I really see a lot of improvement already. The next morning on my way to work I not only didn't have to fight sleep, but I actually noticed things I'd never paid attention to before!!! Now, granted, I need to discipline myself to get enough TIME to sleep right now...that's my plan for TOMORROW night. Yeah, famous last words, I know. But tomorrow between morning church & evening church I will be here watching the Talladega race (Sterling starts 4th!!! First time in a long time he's been that close to the pole!!!) - hopefully for the whole thing - & that will be a good time to rest up - & maybe finish up my laundry before this rather eventful upcoming week.

One afternoon this week I got an e-mail from a fellow named Barry who went to school with me & as it turns out way back (at least 7 generations ago) there are some family connections. Now, where we grew up, I always heard most of us in Ridgetop & Greenbrier were "kin" but now I am starting to believe it. I couldn't believe all the names I recognized in his family tree. He's a descendant of one of the founders of Ridgetop. My family's been there for at least 7 generations (really, I think most of them were around before the town became a town). His ancestor married into one of the families I came from.

I used to be really into the collection of family history, but most of the time the present day takes most of my time & attention. And sometimes, the future does too. Truthfully, I started writing these things down & looking this stuff up because (1) I want the future generations of our family to have this information in case they need it & (2) I just have a lot of fun digging up old records, looking at old newspapers on microfilm, & stuff like that. Every now & then I might dig out a folder & look through, or if someone in the family passes away I might copy the obit or something, but I haven't done much serious searching in years. I suppose I got tagged the family historian because I spent a lot of time hanging out with my grandmother, who lived across the road from the old homeplace, & I knew all the old folks in the family when my cousins my age didn't. Anyway, this week I've corresponded with Barry a few times & have learned a lot I didn't know about that branch of the family. There's a lot to learn yet - though I am in no hurry, I kind of like getting more info as it trickles in. That way it's not boring. The best part about that has been catching up.

Wednesday night I went to a nuclear medicine educational meeting in Nashville after work - so glad I wasn't fighting sleep - & that gave me time to catch up with my friend Cindy. This coming weekend we have another nuc med meeting to go to, & that should be fun too.

Thursday night Rachel had a piano lesson, then on Friday she had a recital, which I baked about 100 pigs in blankets for. So, yes, it's been quite an eventful week. I am ever so thankful for the CPAP. It is definitely a blessing. No way I could've made it through 2 trips through the mall, a trip to my grandmother's in Greenbrier, shopping in Springfield, & doing some laundry here at home today without it.

Well, it is really, really late so I am gonna hit the hay - & the CPAP. More later, sometime, maybe.