Loving a music man ain't always what it's supposed to be...

Well, you can say that again.  I'm still waiting for my tour bus and swimming pool. Hahaha!  I can't really complain, though.  He's a good husband and he's bringing home dinner!!!  Also, our band is playing this weekend... but more about that later.

So I have a lot of big plans for my writing and webpages. I know, I say that about once a year, but maybe God is trying to tell me something. 

For one thing, I'm not getting a lot of work hours right now, and this was supposed to be one of my busy times.  In February, I had 21.5 weekdays scheduled to work in March. By March 1, two days had already been canceled. On March 3, a tech called about her upcoming some surgery, which will put her out 8 weeks. She works 4 days a week. Of course, I have some days I'm scheduled to go other places. I can only be one place at a time, but the lead tech knows this, and I'm sure they'll work out the details when it gets a little closer.

On March 6, I learned that I wouldn't be needed on the 7th as well as the 12th through the 15th.  They also cancelled 4 more weeks scattered through the rest of the year at that location. On the 7th, I learned they could not use me on the 8th.  I called the CPR office and was able to pick up a few days there. That day, the surgery date was set for the above-mentioned tech, so I was able to make some plans, which included two days of teaching CPR, including the 13th and 14th. Naturally, as soon as I did that, a coworker asked if I could work on the 14th, so I canceled that day too.  A few hours later, the lead tech asked if I could work on the 13th. I told her that I had just canceled 3 CPR days and I need CPR to keep the wolf from the door during the slow times, but I'd work in the morning if she needed me to, and she took me up on that.  So, I ended up working a half a day on the 13th, then rushing over to teach CPR. On my way home, I got a text message saying that they did not need me on the 14th after all. Unfortunately, they didn't need me to teach CPR by then either.  Last night they called me in to work today, where I learned that I am no longer needed Wednesday through Friday. So I was planning to work 21.5 days and I'll end up with 13.5, unless something changes.

And so it goes.

Besides that, I've been inspired to do a lot more writing. A few months ago, I started subscribing to a website called newspapers.com.  I'd heard of it before, when I was teaching, but I didn't subscribe because I didn't think I could get my money's worth out of it.  In one of my "fact-finding missions" I do researching sometimes, I discovered an article on the site and it suddenly dawned on me... I could use it to help me with Hee Haw, country music history, Frank Sutton history, Ridgetop history, and the list goes on.  We're playing this coming Saturday night, the 25th, in Dickson, TN, at the VFW.  I don't know the time, I would guess 8:00 pm, but I will try to get that updated ASAP.  I also want to get the Brewer's Chapel page updated. In the next few months we will be getting a new pastor. This is pretty standard procedure, Methodists switch out pastors every few years and our pastor's getting ready to retire. He has had some health issues in the past, but this past year has been particularly hard on him. I am not sure what to expect from our new pastor, but we have had this website for a long time that I haven't been updating, and I think if we want more younger people involved in the church, a strong web presence would be a good thing... and that includes getting control of the Brewer's Chapel Facebook page.  A former pastor started it, which is cool, but since he's somewhere else, we need to get that.  I don't mind updating it, either, as long as I don't have to tweet!

Those two things alone would be plenty of writing, but the Hee Haw page needs some serious updating too.  One of those days off this week I will go to Springfield, to the library to do some research, and to take some pictures of the Royal Inn before it gets torn down. Now, it may be years before they tear the place down, but it could be tomorrow!  There is a man named James Lileks, a writer and reporter in Minneapolis who has a website with motel postcards, etc. Really, he has a veritable treasure trove of modern American history.  I need to send him a picture of the Royal Inn if I can get one before they tear it down, since he has one from there.  Maybe I can send him a link to that pic on the FB "You Know You're From Springfield, TN if..." page, too.  I'm sure Bill Jones would enjoy Lileks' webpage.  It'd also be good if I can get it on my Royalty page too. 

So I have a lot of exciting ideas for my webpages. Another idea I'm considering is oral history type stuff, or interviews with older folks.  I think there are organizations like libraries that have organized programs for this, so I'll have to check into it.  Another oral history idea I have is doing people's memories it Brewers Chapel in a online type thing, maybe on the web page.

But if you will, bear with me a couple of weeks because I'm scheduled to take the MRI registry exam on Friday, March 31. I will be doing a lot of studying for that in the next couple weeks. After that, I plan to be writing a lot.  Of course, if I'm working in MRI a lot at that time, then I won't really have a lot of time to work on writing then either, but I'm pretty motivated right now. I've discovered that I can dictate while I'm driving.  I can set up the phone and the iPad both to record my dictation, and I can also use the voice recognition to record on the other one so I can put them together when I get home.  That's what I've done today. It's taken me some time, but I still have several hours before I have to go to bed, so I can study after dinner.

Happy, happy birthday, blog!

TEN years ago today this blog moved from MSN Spaces to Blogger.  TEN years.  A chronicle of my life... 20% or so of my life... documented on the 'Net for all the world to see.  Yes, there were times there were gaps of up to 11 months.  Two different years that I posted only 5 times.  But, I can look back and smile, remembering things like my little girl putting the wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier when she was 13.  Now she is 23... and almost 24.

I can't believe it's been 10 years since I started this blog.  Time flies, whether you're having fun or not!

I updated my health blog this morning and will update the Brewer's Chapel blog in the near future... maybe tonight.

Life is good and keep looking for more updates!

There's a church in the valley by the wildwood...

So today some of my friends posted a picture of themselves in front of a little country church with the caption, "The church in the wildwood."  Our church isn't exactly in the wilderness, but it's in the country and a sweet little place you'd hear that song. In fact, we sang it Sunday. 

It's appropriate because today, I'm gonna preach!  No, seriously I'm not "preaching" but I have prepared a "sermon" of sorts based on last week's lectionary passages. It was Pentecost Sunday and with that in mind, let me refer you to the biblical passages of the lectionary: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts%202:1-21; https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ps%20104:24-104:35; and https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jn%2014:8-14:27. 

When I read these three passages I looked for a common theme and here is what I find:  glorify God. We are His creation and He rejoices in His creation. Our job is to bring Him glory. How do we do that? That's in the passages too:  we praise Him and obey His commandments. Jesus said in the passage from John that those who love Him will keep His commandments. I didn't really understand this until I had children. Then I realized that my rules for my kids were for their protection. And so were many of God's rules for us. One example is "Thou shalt not covet."  Yeah. I know. We ALL covet. Maybe we don't covet our neighbor's wife... Maybe instead we covet his Corvette or his bass boat or his lake frontage or something else, but coveting is part of our nature. But God said not to covet. Isn't life easier when we don't spend our time worrying about keeping up with the Joneses?  God had our best interest in mind when He made that commandment, and the others too. 

Jesus said that for those He loved, who loved Him, He would send the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, to dwell within us. And the  power of the Holy Spirit is great. We can't do a lot on our own but Jesus said if we ask in His name we can do all the things He could do. Remember some of those things, like healing lepers and blind people and crippled people??? He said all we have to do is ask. In His name. Now if we ask in Jesus' name we need to be asking for something Jesus would approve of, don't you think? Like healing or something else to - you guessed it, to glorify God.  So remember that. We have the power, He gets the glory. Amen!

Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one...

I'd planned to use this post to document my progress on the "40 bags in 40 days" project for Lent.  You know, 40 bags of decluttering... however, I've been working a lot!  I didn't do any decluttering on Ash Wednesday because I went to Randy's mom's house for dinner, but I DID clean up Sonny's bathroom and that WAS one bag of trash.

On Day 2 of Lent I cleaned off the bathroom counter.  Photos to come later.  Three bags resulted from that - one trash bag and two smaller gift bags, one for each child.

I went back to work after all the snow on Friday, and then worked in home health Friday night.  I worked Saturday morning and evening, and in between I went to Nashville and took back the rental car and finally got my car back, went to eat with Randy, his mom, his sister and her friend, and went to the karaoke pizza place.  Today I worked in the morning, napped awhile in the afternoon, and have been lazy, watching TV and playing online since.  So I guess I'm three days behind, because I really shouldn't count all three bags from Thursday.

Well... that's all I've got to say about that, so far.  More later...

He's Alive!

Happy Easter everybody!  I had a great Easter, though I didn't feel too great.  I ate a good breakfast and didn't feel much like eating lunch (but I did).  Since then I have just snacked a bit.  We went to Sunrise Service and then to regular worship where we sang in the cantata.  Then we went to Randy's mom's for lunch, with Rachel.  D had to work.

I really just wanted to post that I decided last week to put off working on the PhD until next year, if at all.  I was 22 when I got my BS, and I'll be 46 when I get my MAEd.  At that rate I'll be 70 when I get my PhD, and that's OK.  I don't know that I'll wait that long, but I don't know that I'll get it at all.  Maybe when I am not in school I will enjoy teaching more.  We shall see.  Part of me would like to get a degree in counseling also... my interest is in psychology and neuroscience... but we shall see.  I don't know that I have to get more formal education to learn more.

Accentuate the positive!

I believe I've had an entry by that name before, but today it seems good.  I am on fall break.  Yay!!!  Poor D, he has had to go to school.  The rock star will be off the next two days.  On Friday he's got a gig.  I guess our traveling won't be happening this time.  Oh, well.  Christmas will be here soon and maybe we can do some driving then.

We're going to choir practice in a few minutes so I can't write long.  I just had the urge to share my feelings.  I want to be happier being a teacher.  A few days ago Randy and I discussed this and he gave me his opinion that I lack self-confidence... which I totally agree with.  He followed that up by saying that I hate myself, with which I totally disagree. 

So today I typed in "Positive thinking Bible verses" and I saw a site with several verses.  I really liked it and I surfed around it a lot.  Here's the one I really honed in on.

Hebrews 13:5 ESV

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I love it!  It reminded me why I've been searching for a nuclear medicine part-time job, or possibly full-time job - because I'd like to make more money.  I almost forgot I'll be needing a little less after this school year, Lord willing; I'll have both vehicles paid for and I sure hope I don't need another one that requires a payment any time soon.

I'm happy with my husband 90% of the time (which is probably better than average), and with my body 75% of the time (which is probably WAY better than average, and most people would not be happy with mine!  Oh, well).  So can I be happy with my job?  My house?  I'm working on it.  I'm getting there.

Summer improvements week 0 day 2: I don't wanna work... or maybe I do

Today I have mostly been lazy. We had our church homecoming today, which was nice. I messed up my song, and I was already a bit emotional when another soloist got choked up singing his, which obviously reminded him of his grandmother who died in February. His dad, too, was emotional when the time came for him to dedicate the gift from the memorial fund in her memory so the tears flowed freely today.  


After that, a huge unhealthy meal and since then a long nap and then the runs and during that time a good read of a book about neuropathy. I have had a tough time with neuropathy lately. I have always tended to be a wuss about pain or so I was told. I believed this too until I walked around for 6 hours with a broken ankle and then worked for 3 hours with a broken hand.  I don't like pain but I can put up with a lot. This chronic pain of neuropathy has really put a cramp in my life. I can't stand up for long periods of time and I am just getting worse. I have decided that starting now I am going to eat less carbohydrate and sugar. I feel like I need to be on one of those commercials like the people who are young and suffering the effects of smoking. Yes, sugar can do this to you! Give up the candy bars now! And, sigh, the sweet tea. I always liked that more than candy anyhow. I can do candy in moderation. I don't do cheesecake in moderation. Ice cream is a big temptation too.  I hope it helps. If nothing else then at least I should lose some weight and maybe then people won't blame my pain on my weight. Sigh. I think I can live with a less wheat based diet. I hope so. 


 Randy is home after a long shopping trip. I don't know where he has been so I hope this is good. He had been to his mom's. Oh, well, that explains it. THANKS FOR MAKING ME WORRY FOR THREE HOURS. I don't mind him going to his mom's and Lord knows he doesn't have to answer to me for every minute of every day, but he not only was gone for 4.5 hours doing a one hour job, he didn't respond to a text an hour ago. We only live about 20 minutes from his mom. I am not one of those control freaks who keeps her man on a tight leash. If I had been, I probably wouldn't still be married to Randy. Sometimes, though, I feel the need to remind him that he is married and because he lives with someone, occasionally he needs to let us know what he's doing.  


I have been so lazy this weekend. I didn't clean house, pay bills, or shop or anything. Well, I DID go to the store yesterday. I hope I have a better attitude. I should. School is out after Tuesday (even though I have to go until Thursday). I never thought I'd be one of those teachers who counted the days until summer vacation. But you really can't help it. It is so stressful when the kids are ready to get out... which is every day, but worst in May. I spent this, my third year, trying to find another job. There, I admit it. I don't think that helped my attitude a bit, but my finances were the harsh reality that teachers just don't make the money nuclear medicine techs do. And, oh, yes, let's not forget I didn't WANT to get out of the field, it just seemed like a better option than where I was when I did... working in an office with uncertainty and no benefits and a toxic environment after being laid off from my dream job. If I hadn't gone into teaching, if I had stayed, I wouldn't have had any hours in December. That would've been a lovely Christmas. Granted, that Christmas sucked anyway (my grandfather died on Dec. 23) but it would've been rough if I hadn't been paid.  


It sounds like it'd be easy to find PRN work, but nobody wants to hire a PRN tech who can only work in the summer. They want people who can come in at the drop of a hat anytime (and from my previous experience, who can work all those school holidays so they can be off with their kids). If I had been working somewhere PRN when I started teaching, I could've done it.  I really should be glad I'm not doing nucs anymore. My old feet couldn't take it, for starters, and I don't miss working with people in that environment. I mean, I work with complainers (the students) and other adults (the teachers) but it's different. There is less of the "keeping up with the Joneses" because nobody's got any money. There's less drama because we're the grownups (most of the time). I miss patient care, and I wonder if that's not part of my issue, that I'm having to treat myself as a patient. I could work as a CNA but I don't know if I could handle an 8 hour shift on my feet.  


There IS a nuc tech opening in Gallatin, 47 miles away. And no, don't suggest that I could move because it is not that simple. Randy has a job about 15 miles from here (and approximately 62 miles from Gallatin) and halfway between the two is... well, it IS in Derek's school district but that would mean selling this place and that is not something that can be done overnight in this neighborhood. Besides we're assuming I'd get the job. A nuc tech can't assume that anymore especially one who is 45 and fat and has a reputation of working here there and everywhere. And has a pretty well known health history. Again losing weight would help, but I couldn't lose it fast enough to help get that job. And then there is Derek's upcoming surgery (hello, patient care skills) and all that entails. I am better off staying put for now and doing transcription when I can, writing, and just hoping being a tech coach and data coach will keep us afloat until I can get my car paid off.

All I did to improve the house today was wash dishes - fair enough, since I dirtied quite a few preparing potato casserole and cookies for church - and sweep the kitchen.  I spot-mopped a little of the kitchen floor too.

Summer Improvements Week 0: It's a beautiful morning

 I should've started my series on Thursday.  That night I had a sink full of dishes that no one had touched for days.  I felt bad about it because I hadn't done them... but nobody else here had either!  (In my defense, I had transcription work Monday night and Tuesday night and choir practice at church Wednesday night - after working all day at school those days) Thursday night Randy had a dinner for work and I didn't want him to come home to this yet again.My plan was to take pictures as I made progress.  I took pictures as I waded through the dishes but didn't take one when I finished!  Well, it does look better.  With neuropathy, standing for long enough to wash that many in one session is not an option.  It took me four short sessions to do it (broken up by laundry-folding sessions) but three hours later I got it all done.  So far it still looks pretty good!!!

So today I started my walking program again.  There are so many dogs in this subdivision.  I don't mind dogs but all the barking... well, if their owners don't like it they shouldn't have dogs, right???  I no longer own a dog.  :(  I miss my dog.  I sometimes worry that people will be annoyed because the dogs are barking at me and it's all my fault for walking.  But since most of the neighbors are dog owners, I guess I'm worrying for nothing.  

I saw a lot of pretty birds today. 

I don't have a lot planned today.  I'm going to graduation tonight, but other than that just getting ready for homecoming, maybe doing a little housekeeping.  Not going home tomorrow. so I guess I'll call Mom.  I have to go into "town" at some point and deposit a check, get creamer, and I might look for some plants while I'm out.  I dreamed I got some... I also dreamed I went to Hawaii.

I actually made it all the way around the circle with the exception of the part between my house and the highway, then took a break in the hammock for 10 to 15 minutes, came in and had breakfast (a peanut butter sandwich on wheat bread).  Now I've got to get up and take my medicine, change the litter, and just do what comes up!

Paperback writer...

Not really... while I am constantly coming up with ideas for story writing, I don't know who would want to read that. I'm not sure if anybody reads this!!!

Lots going on right now. I'm working on my research paper. It's due tomorrow. I've done the research. I'm just putting it together and trying to find some sources to back up my opinions. My research is about technology in the classroom. Of course! So right now I'm taking a blogging break. I'm listening to 70's music which seems to foster my creativity for some reason. I think it puts me back into my childhood where my imagination is nice and functional. Maybe that makes me weird. Maybe I'm weird anyway.

Besides that, this weekend I have to get all my stuff planned for my students for Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday because I'll be at the HOSA State Conference those days. I have to clean out the car so I can put my competitors in it, as well as my stuff for three days. While I'm there I plan to finish updating the student database for the grading program, although I have discovered that this job isn't going to be finished as long as I'm working on it (and probably, working there as well). Every time a teacher joins the school's site (and there are still quite a few to go) I'll have to update students. It's inevitable. It's okay, though. I just work on it when I can.

I also need to catch up on grading this weekend, and go by the school Sunday and pick up journals to grade too. The amusement never ends.

I'm okay with it though. I have enough to do outside the house tomorrow to make it okay to stay home and write today. I'm working on something that I have a passion for - computers and technology education - and that makes it easier. I have decided that I'm going to get my doctorate in instructional technology. Not sure what school yet - I've got to decide, but I have a year or two to do that. This summer Derek's having surgery and I'm taking a break from my studies. If I do any extra work, it'll be transcription. In the fall I'll either take one or two courses, and if I take two I'll be able to take two in the spring to graduate. If it takes me longer, so be it.

God is good to me... He gave me awesome kids and an amazing husband and the rest of my family's pretty great too. I have more than I know what to do with... life is good. Rachel's doing a formal this weekend and one next weekend. D's going to the prom next weekend. He made a 29 on his ACT! This was his 1st try! Rachel did too, on her 2nd try. Both of them are very smart! I've got a great church family but a lot going on there too... can't go into that on the blog but suffice it to say I have things I don't want to take care of there. I'll be glad when I'm no longer the chair of the PPR committee.

Well, that's what's happening... for what it's worth.

What's new, pussycat? Wo-wo-wo-oh!!!

Rachel's been here for a post-mission trip visit. She just left. I hate to see her go so soon, but... that just goes with life, sugar.

D's spending the night with a buddy.

Randy's cleaning up the storage building.

I've been updating events on websites... seems like I get that task no matter where I go. I do that on the school website, the church website, the HOSA school website... how did I get that task???

I was feeling a little frustrated. It happens so easily. I get overwhelmed with all the junk in my life and all the unfinished business I have. I have a dirty house, a big research project looming in the headlights (and getting bigger as I get closer to it) for one of my graduate courses, a smaller, but still huge work project coming up in the next few days at school, church tomorrow (two services... one should be really cool), a part-time job that doesn't pay all that well but is something that comes natural and it's something I can do at home, a full-time job that wipes me out mentally and sometimes physically and requires more time than I am willing to give it while paying about half the salary I used to make before being laid off 3 years ago, a chronic illness that tries my patience and confuses me to no end; sometimes it's easy to deal with and at other times, it's literally a huge pain. And then there are the usual things... bathrooms, furniture, and floors to clean, dishes and laundry to wash, and meals that need preparation. Thank goodness Randy doesn't mind cooking. I have a wonderful husband and two fantastic kids. Fortunately, they don't require a lot of my time anymore, but I want to spend time with them. I have parents who don't ask a lot of me, but I want to spend time with them too. I have brothers, sisters-in-law, a mother-in-law, nieces, nephews... you get the picture. I have a church family and good friends. I have a great life and it's rich and full. Unfortunately, I just don't manage my time the way I should.

I want to write. I don't usually think of that when I'm making goals for my life because... I just don't. I don't see it ever being lucrative enough for me to do it full-time. I do get a lot of my writing "jones" out by blogging and all that web work. With my "side job" of transcription, and the writing I should be doing in my online class, and especially as a teacher, I get plenty of opportunities these days. I've spent most of my life thinking, someday I will write the fiction stories that I have stored in my head all these years. Now I'm 44 and wondering, how many years do I have? Maybe I will live another 44 years, but I am already diabetic and don't eat the way I should... so really, who can say? I read an article in the Tennessean today and it got me to thinking too. It was about a woman who has dementia - and she's 49. I'll be 45 in a few weeks. That's scary.

So I was looking at "Pick the Brain." It's one of my favorite websites. I check it two or three times a week, sometimes more. I like it on Facebook, so that helps remind me to check it often. It's an inspirational - motivational site, which is something I've found really helpful over the last year. Anyway, I was reading about how "I'm the problem" and it reminded me of how often I've looked at my life and wondered, why did I end up (insert fault here... I'll give you some ideas... fat, broke, living in a perpetually-dirty house that isn't worth what I owe...)? The "fat" part - strangely, being fat doesn't bother me as far as my appearance goes, because even though I'm heavier than I've ever been, I'm still sort of in the middle. I know many thinner people and many fatter people. I still look all right, most of the time. It's my health that worries me. I wonder if my feet would feel better if I wasn't carrying around all the extra weight. I know my knees would.

I have a wonderful marriage. But sometimes I wonder - does Randy secretly wish he'd married the girl who married an astronaut? Would he have been better off if he had? Would she? I don't know. We'll never know. It doesn't matter, really. It didn't happen.

The more important question is, what can I do to become what I want to be? Or who I want to be? Am I ready to make the changes I need to do what I want???

Only Thou art holy...

I have noticed that most churches have songs or stories they really like. When I was a kid, I went to a church called Bethel. We had lots of songs we sang often, but I do remember the story of how Jacob had a dream and named the place Bethel. My cousins went to a church called Ebenezer. They liked that song with the line, "Here I raise mine Ebenezer." Even now, when I hear the song, "O Little Town of Bethlehem," I think of Bethlehem Baptist out in the country. At Trinity, where Rachel was baptized, they liked "Holy, Holy, Holy," with the line, "God in three persons, blessed Trinity."

I went to Trinity for four or five years. We started there when Rachel was just big enough to ask to go to the church with the orange crackers, before Derek was born, and we left when she was in the first grade. I hated leaving, in a way, but some things about it really got on my nerves. I went there tonight to see Billie and her family. Usually the funeral home has visitation at the funeral home but I guess they're pretty crowded right now. It was nice to go to the church because it was only 5 miles from here compared to the 14 or so to the funeral home.

I chose this song, though, because it is truly a worship song, even though it was traditionally number 1 in the Baptist Hymnal (as opposed to being projected onto a screen), even though it as written a long, long time ago (and not in the 1990's), even though it sounds like a hymn and not a praise chorus. I've always liked it even before our Trinity days. This morning I went to Madisonville to the annual women's conference. I would've gone back for the evening session if I hadn't been planning to go to the visitation. I don't regret going to the visitation instead. That was needed. I told my friend Karen that I wanted one of them to have a prophetic vision or something for me... I wish I could get a little more insight into what God wants me to do. It was good though. I enjoyed it.

live like... you were dying???

The day Derek was born, I called our church (at the time). It was, after all, Wednesday evening and everyone would want to know. The young lady who answered the phone was a high school senior and the daughter of a couple who had made us feel so at home in our short time there. Now Derek is 17, and today that young lady's youngest son died at the age of 10, after fighting a brain tumor for over a year. I had hoped I would catch her to give her a cap Randy got. I'm sorry that I didn't get that cap to her and Andrew.

Shortly after I heard that, I read a blog post by a woman who has lost 200 pounds. It was called "45 Simple Actions to Start Losing Weight." One of the actions: "Deal with Stress." I'm not sure how to do that. I guess I need to figure that out. This woman wrote about the stress she had from her job. I know that feeling. Some days I hate it. This week, I'm trying to get everything done so I won't have to do it during Spring Break, next week. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to get everything in. I planned to go visit Billie and Andrew last weekend. I kept over-extending myself. I stayed too long at Mom's, then at Dad's, on Saturday. Not that I regret that, I don't regret visiting my parents at all... but then I was going to eat at a fundraiser with Randy. I then had to finish a transcription assignment that I didn't complete Friday evening, because I got a late start.

Then I had classwork to do before midnight Sunday night. Though I fooled around a little and napped on Sunday afternoon after lunch, I managed to get that done at a reasonable time. Then I didn't leave myself enough time to grade my students' work because when I got through with my classwork I played online Boggle for too long. I gave up Spider Solitaire for Lent and then turned around and started playing Boggle. I am not all that great at it, and last night I decided to give it up too.

Yesterday, a couple of students and I talked about that song, "Live Like You Were Dying." They didn't really get it. I said, you know, we shouldn't live our lives waiting for something to happen later. Live like you're dying doesn't mean lie in the bed waiting for the angels to escort you home. It means live now, instead of putting things off until later. I don't know if I adequately conveyed my feelings. But in the last two weeks, when so many people have died, it means so much more.

I started teaching in August of 2009 and in the whirlwind of never-ending work and the heat of that first classroom, I lost 13 pounds in 3 months. Since then I have put on almost 30 pounds. Oh, it varies from day to day. This morning it was actually 24.5 pounds. And in November 2008, I think I even weighed less than that Nov. 2009 weight. I hate that I've gained so much weight. I don't hate myself and I don't even hate my body, but I need to get in better shape because I want to be healthier. I know a great deal of my problem is stress. I come home, eat, and have to do more work before bed. Some nights (like tonight) I put off working until it's too late. I really don't waste a ton of time on Facebook, but I spend a lot of time looking for that elusive nuclear medicine job, or some other job that promises more money and more time to relax outside of work. Next thing I know, it's 10:30, I haven't read or relaxed, I'm depressed from not finding that "perfect" job, I've still got a sack full of ungraded work and piles of housework to do, and I need to get to bed.

I don't always work as efficiently as I should. Some days I write in my blog and spend 30 minutes on Facebook. I did a lot today and I could do a lot more. I could probably stay up all night. I stayed until 7:00 doing work and grading journals. I have two more classes of journals, posters to grade, and exams to grade. I'm going to bed. I need to start living again.

But I didn't want to turn this into a story about me. I wanted to say, we all need to live like we're dying. We need to live. We need to love. We may need to work too, but we can't keep putting off our lives, because the future isn't promised. Today is a gift and we need to be grateful for it.

Love is in the air...

Probably the most overused blog title on this day. So what?

We celebrated Valentine's Day in the tradition we started the night before Derek was born. It was raining hard that night. I was scheduled to be induced at 7 the next morning. We dropped Rachel, then 2.5, off with Randy's sister Amy & her family. There weren't as many places to eat around here then. We went to Red Lobster, and it was packed. We looked somewhere else, but I can't remember where. Anyway, we finally went to Cracker Barrel and they got us in. We sat at a quiet little table for two with one of those oil lamps... it was very sweet and even a little romantic.

After that, it was kind of hard to get a babysitter for Valentine's Day in the middle of the week. It was just easier to take the kids along and make it a family meal. We haven't done it every year, and Rachel couldn't be with us this year. We talked about it, but Derek was going to a competition today, and we weren't sure when he'd be home. In the meantime, she made plans to go to church tonight. It just didn't time out for us to all go together.

Well, now Randy's going to bed and I'm watching a show about a group that's working against gang violence in Chicago. When I decided to become a teacher, I didn't get into it to be a community changer. I thought I would work at Sycamore, where I could work the hours my kids were in school and be available to go to their sports events and be off when D was practicing for football. And I was, even though I didn't work at Sycamore. But I was teaching in a different universe. I was teaching in South Nashville, where I really felt like I got to know my students and I felt like I was making a difference in the lives of the kids.

I liked it, but when the opportunity to work closer to home came, I took it. I loved my new classroom, but I missed the community. I still miss it, really, but I know there are kids who need help here too. There aren't as many businesses wanting to throw money at the public school system here, but I know a lot of the kids are living in those same types of communities... kids getting shot (there were three young adults shot last semester, most known by many kids from school), kids getting killed in car accidents, kids who are being abused, neglected, you name it. It's a crazy world, and yet, if we'd lived 300 yards east of here, our kids would've been zoned for it. And even though we live 15 miles from the "hood," we only have to look out the living room window to see a lot of the same issues. Our neighbors (and I'm not just talking about the ones in the subdivision) don't look different from us, but they have family in jail, and problems. The mission field is right around me.

You gotta have faith.

I have wasted much of this day. That would be all right if I'd had the time to lose, but when you get to be 44 and in the first few years of a career that could potentially take 60 hours a week, and you're in grad school which could potentially take 12 hours a week (or more), there's not much wiggle room. So today I TOTALLY FORGOT that there was a youth group spaghetti dinner tonight until 3 hours before it was to begin... and of course nobody knew the time so I assumed it was 5. Got up there to start boiling spaghetti at 4:30 and nobody was there. Nice. So I came back.

Most of the day I've been in a rotten mood even though I tried very hard not to be. I tried feeding all my needs - enough caffeine, protein, etc. This morning I asked myself what I needed to do to get out of my funky mood and the Partridge Family theme came into my mind. "C'mon, get happy!!!"

Well, for awhile I did okay. Then Randy told me about the spaghetti dinner, WHICH he's not attending with me because he's gone to Outback with his mom. It's the annual UK vs Vandy game, and they're eating out before that. I really wouldn't have wanted him to miss that for the spaghetti dinner. I'd just completely forgotten.

As I was leaving the church (the first time, remember... gotta go back in a few), I thought, what am I gonna do with an hour??? And I saw the sign on the church... "You can do more in one hour with God than in a lifetime without Him." I came home and said, "OK, God, I've got an hour. Can You help a girl out here?" So I've put away folded clothes, written all this, eaten Girl Scout cookies... and I have a few more minutes. You gotta have faith.

Gotta keep those a-lovin' good vibrations a-happenin' with you

"I, I love the colorful clothes she wears..."

I love to wear colorful clothes, but mostly, I wear black these days, because I don't have much time for, or interest in, shopping. I've been in one of my funky moods where I spend all my non-working hours online looking for a second (or third, or fourth, or whatever) job. I WAS spending a lot of time playing Spider Solitaire, so I consider this an improvement.

Don't worry about me though, I'm really not depressed. I laugh a lot and I am happy with all the relationships in my life. I'm looking forward to Christmas. I feel a lot of good vibrations!!! I just have too much going on. Like...

Teaching: I've got a lot more grading to do, and I've had a busy week. Next week we have exams and then...2.5 weeks off!!! This semester has flown by, and I can't believe it's almost over. I have 4 observations next semester :\ Not sure how I feel about that. If I can get through them, I'll be ready to get my license advanced. On the other hand, sometimes I think I'd go back to nuc med...if anyone had an opening...if anyone would even consider me if they did.

Other jobs: Nuc med's not hiring. CNA jobs are out there, but I haven't even gotten to a real interview. Don't know if it's the fact that I have another job, or because I have more education, or because nobody wants someone who's had five jobs in five years. (Actually, this time last year I'd had six jobs in 5 years, but I've been at this one for a year and a half.) I'm working as a test proctor this Saturday, and I got a part-time online position today that I need to finish training to do. Writing is possibly another income stream...see below...

Preaching: I have to speak Sunday! Am I ready? No. Am I close? Well, if having an idea counts, then yeah.

Studying: I'm in the last week of online classes this semester. Sigh. I only have one big assignment left and uploading a few small ones onto my portfolio. Haven't decided if I'm going to take classes next semester, or wait awhile...I don't know. A lot going on, you know???

Writing: This is actually a pretty exciting time in my writing life. I'm the Nashville Southern Culture Examiner for examiner.com. Read all about it! I also have other writing ideas. I'm thinking I'll update my websites during Christmas break. I get a lot of interest in the site, but I really don't update it much. If I'm not in class, though, I might have time for updating ads and content.

Home: Rachel comes home next week...Derek's in school until the 22nd (I think)...after Christmas it's Randy's busy season. The house is a mess, though maybe better than usual. Still don't have the tree up, still haven't figured out how much more shopping I need to do.

Singing: Nothing much to tell here. I sang at church and then the Messiah on Sunday. Though I loved it, I'm glad to have a break. I'll probably sing at the Christian Care Center at some point during the Christmas break. We'll see.

Well, I'm going to bed now. Maybe I'll get enough sleep to get up on time!!!

How could I be without your love

I really wasn't writing with the intention of waxing poetic about my husband. I couldn't think of a "how to" song that I wanted to post. I like this one, though. It's pretty.

I have spent my evening searching "How To" articles online for help with a class assignment. The hardest part so far has been figuring out what I want to learn. I’m not saying I know how to do everything, because I don’t (as you’ll learn by reading this), but sometimes I feel like I know how to do too many things. I have craft supplies I don’t have time to use, holiday decorations I don’t have time to put out, and websites I don’t have time to maintain. I don’t always have time to go to the grocery store, much less cook. The things I’d like to learn how to do are too complex to learn in a Web tutorial. There are the intangibles, like “How to get a job in a stagnant field from which you were laid off,” or“How to find time to keep your house looking immaculate clean decent while you work full-time, take two graduate courses, raise a teenager, have three indoor pets, support a college student, stay married, and go to church.” Then, there’s the way too involved for the Web stuff, like “How to become a massage therapist,” or “How to make some extra money (for supporting that college student).” I’d like to solve problems. How about, “How to cure cancer,” or “How to stop domestic violence”?

If you’ve read this far, you’re probably thinking I need to find “How to Get a Positive Attitude!”

Seriously…maybe there’s a story there.

I went to Google. I typed in “how to” and then started with a, went to b, c, d, etc. all the way through the alphabet. Did you know you can learn to roll a joint on the Internet? I don’t need to know how to do that. After going through the alphabet I thought I’d start over and type ab, ac, ad, and so forth. You can learn how to abort a baby on the Internet. I would say, “Well, I never!” but unfortunately, I am NOT surprised at that. I didn’t know how valuable some of my knowledge was…such as “How to elope” (been there, done that), “how to flirt” (how do you think I learned how to elope?), “how to give a hickey” (not going there) and “how to do an EKG” (well, I did know that was valuable). Still, I kept going.

I got to “ezine” and almost stopped there, but the thought of adding another responsibility to my list seemed too daunting.

How to hook up a laptop to your TV…hmm…

How to make a QR code…that could be good.

How to build apps for smartphones…NOW WE ARE TALKING.

How to organize your home…maybe this is what I need, really.

I said, watch what you say, now we're calling you a radical, a liberal, oh, fanatical, criminal

I picked this song because of the word "Radical." I couldn't think of another song that used that word, and I'll get to why I used it. When I looked up the lyrics and hummed through it, memories came flooding over me. Today's been a day full of memories, because I saw a photo - well, 3 actually - of the first boy I ever kissed (my first real, grown-up kiss anyway...and he's sure changed) and also because I have been watching "The Waltons" all summer. Back in 2008, I watched it all the way from the first season to the end, & at the beginning, I thought, I wonder what I saw in Jim-Bob! Then when they got to the later seasons, I remembered when I was 11, 12 years old and I had a thing for tall, skinny, buck-toothed boys.

It's funny how in the end, they all seem to look alike...

But that's not why I picked this song for today's lyric.

I picked the lyric with the word "Radical" because I read the David Platt book by the same name. I REALLY liked it, but now, on day two of the Radical Experiment, I am beginning to come down off the mountain. Blame it on my online class, for taking up so much of my focus today!

Check out the site...www.radicalthebook.com is the book's site, and from there you can get to the experiment link.

I agree with the fact that so often today's churches are focused on the wrong things, like building huge buildings instead of sending missionaries to poor countries. One critic said "Poverty isn't the biggest problem" (Platt doesn't say that it is, either) and goes on to sing the praises of capitalism. I have nothing against capitalism. Done right, it can be a good thing. On the other hand, I don't think all poor people are there by choice, or by bad decisions. I've been the primary breadwinner and lost my high-paying job. I'm one of the lucky ones. I could do something else, even if it did only pay half what my old job paid. Many others can't make more than minimum wage, which won't pay the bills. There are plenty of better paying jobs which require more training or different experience.

Oh, and by the way, if you were not Christian, and starving because your country is in a civil war and a famine, would you accept Jesus just because someone told you you would burn in Hell if you didn't? Of course not. However, you might be persuaded if a Christian gave you food and water first and then told you about a Savior who loves you more than they do. Poverty isn't the big issue, but if you don't show love and help meet needs, your message is going to blow in the wind with all that dust.

I could go on and on about this. I won't, not tonight anyway. Look for the book. See what you think.

Love ya. Mean it.

She's so heavy

That would be me.

This is a long one so bear with.

I think I have been in denial for the past few years. Suddenly I see photos that made me think, "I'm not that big," and I think, yeah, I am.

Now, don't feel sorry for me, please. I don't.

I've spent a lot of years hating my body. When I was about 9, I heard that I was fat. Mom told me I'd "run it off" in the summer. That was when the troubles began. I would starve myself one day, and overeat the next. Mom told me that I needed to just relax, just eat a little less and not go crazy, so I stopped dieting for awhile.

The next fall, a group of boys laughed at me as I rounded the corner into the restroom. I don't remember crying then - I guess I waited until I got home - but I do remember crying about it.

Did Mom tell me that the boys were silly & just looking for someone to pick on? Or did I figure that out on my own? I don't remember for sure. I can't say I intentionally blocked it from my memory. I was just in the 4th grade. It was a long time ago.

I grew taller, and skinnier for awhile. Over the next few years, I'd gain a little, then lose a little. In photos I looked great. Unfortunately, I was totally body dysmorphic. I thought I was obese in 7th grade because my classmates weighed in the 90's. I weighed 117. I'd be skin and bones if I weighed that now. At the end of 7th grade I gained 13 pounds and actually had a bustline for a change. But suddenly even my family was in on the fat comments. I really don't want to go there online, but I felt terrible pressure to be thin.

In high school, I went to church with the popular girls, and everybody made over their tiny little figures, and all I heard was that they weighed 90 or 93 or one of them cried because she gained a pound...oh, I felt horrible, fluctuating between 123 and 133. Dieting seemed too complicated, and like a ton of work. Back then, there weren't that many opportunities to work out except sports, which I was too uncoordinated to do. I liked biking and I was in marching band, and I liked shooting the basketball a bit. Once I did Weight Watchers religiously for a week and lost a half-pound. It seemed like way too much effort to be so unnoticeable.

One of the popular girls, let's call her Jamie, said she just naturally didn't feel like eating every day and that's what kept her small. So I thought, well, there you go. I'll just skip eating sometimes. What I didn't realize was that I was starting a cycle that would totally ruin my metabolism. I'd starve myself as long as I could stand it, then eat everything in sight.

I've talked about my blood sugar issues in this blog and they sort of started then. I hated myself for not being strong enough to fight my weight. I hated myself for not having the willpower to stick with a diet, or to keep myself starving even though I was shaking like a leaf from hypoglycemia. I hated my body for having hypoglycemia (I was insulin resistant for a long, long time) and not letting me starve it into submission.

Occasionally I'd get really busy or active for awhile and lose some weight, but it never stayed off, so I felt like a failure again, and in my depression, pack on a few more pounds. I had some successful times, followed by failures, over and over. I've lost and gained the same 30 pounds - or parts of it - at least 5 times in the last 14 years. Now I'm pretty close to "maximum density" again.

This time there's a difference.

This time Randy has convinced me that I look beautiful to him. Beautiful, just as I am, not 50 pounds ago or "still beautiful despite the weight gain." He treats me like a queen, like he really means it. It has made all the difference in the world. This time, it's all right.

Never mind a few months ago, when I was complaining about gaining weight in my stomach, Mom said I needed willpower. I countered that it took all the willpower I had to keep going when I was taking two graduate courses while teaching at a new school - one with a bad reputation. I was proud of myself for that one. She managed to keep her weight down with willpower for a long time. Now she's sick & can't keep weight on, but fails to realize that we're not all that way. (I won't say that lucky, because she has definitely not been lucky in the health area.) The neuropathy medicine makes you gain; the treatment for a recent injury makes you gain. When I told her about one med, she said, "Are you sure you want to take that?" I'm thinking, "Uh, yeah, if it comes between gaining weight and my injury getting infected and rotting off, yeah, I'll take a little weight gain." THAT weight came off, but what was left was totally redistributed, rendering some clothes too tight.

I have long thought beauty came in all sizes. For whatever reason, though (probably at least one of those I've talked about today), I thought I needed to be super skinny, like in the double-digit weights. I could "settle" for being on the top side of my BMI, which would still be 60 plus pounds less than I weigh today. Fantasizing about how wonderful life would be if I lost 50 - or 75 - or 100 - or 120 - pounds didn't get me there.

Life is pretty wonderful now.

So am I, even with a big behind and busting out of my old shirts.

We were young and strong, we were running against the wind.

This evening I've been writing my sermon. Yes, you read that right. I am taking a Lay Speaking Course, and Saturday, I have to give a sermon to a jury of my peers, I mean, my class of beginning lay speakers. I am not planning to become a pastor. I do not think God's calling me to do that. Maybe to fill in a pulpit here & there, but no, the shepherding instinct is just not there. God's been working on me for a long time. I've felt the call for about 30 years now, but sometimes I ran from it. Sometimes I was just too busy serving myself. Sometimes I didn't trust God to do what I thought was right. At times I wondered if God was even concerned with me at all. Still, He was always taking care of me, always had a plan for me. Right about the time I first felt the call, my pastor at the time, the late Mike Nelson, started a sermon one Sunday with the song, "Against the Wind." He told us we needed to stop running against the wind and let God have us. I thought I was doing that, but I kept trying to take back the control of my future. I had no idea what I was in for!

Thunder only happens when it's raining.

I could've sworn I used this title before, but I couldn't find it. I could've spent the whole day reading old blog posts. I enjoyed revisiting 2006, when my kids were 11 and 14, Rachel, a freshman in high school. Life's changed a lot since then! Now she's a freshman at Lipscomb. She came home yesterday and we were glad to see her. Driving's going all right for Derek. I wish he'd get a job. I am home today because an old injury has reared its ugly head again. I don't want to go into detail, but it's been a physically miserable last few days. I attended the Lay Speaking Course on Saturday & though I couldn't get comfortable physically, it was very uplifting and thought-provoking. Now, I have to write a sermon before the next one. Just add that to the list...laundry, housecleaning, lesson plans, dishes, supper, exercise, money management...and all that when the pain's under control! Well, on that note I guess I'll get up and get moving. We're supposed to have storms today. Stay dry!