One of these nights...

One of these nights I'm gonna write something absolutely amazing and powerful and I'm really looking forward to it.

So far, I haven't figured out what that is, exactly... but I'm okay with that.  I'll keep on writing until I do.

I'd love to write more, and really, I DO write more than I post on this blog because I prefer not to just throw everything I think onto a blog like a diary for everyone in the universe to read.  I work a lot, and I love what I do 99.44% of the time but I would love to have more time to write.  I spend too much time trying to make money. Well, I might as well while I'm able and my kids aren't little anymore so that I can retire before I die.  I tell people I write every chance I get but it's really not true.  If it were true, I'd have a lot more material to read.  I have many, many stories in my head that I really should put into writing, because I know I'm not going to live forever (at least not in this realm, and I'm not sure how much of my brain will make it through the life I'm living now) and I don't want the stories and characters to die with me. After I'm gone my kids can pass this stuff on to other people, or just give them away, but hopefully, I'll get some of them out into the world and let the universe decide whether they're worth keeping.

There were also people who once walked this earth and not just through my brain whose stories shouldn't be forgotten either.  Those who passed after about 2005 will have more information about them on the Internet for future generations than those who passed before that, and there are stories in the old newspapers and databases for those who wish to look for those folks.  Still there are people who lived quiet and simple lives, whose stories weren't compelling Nicholas Sparks novel fodder (or even Lifetime movie fodder), who've left serious marks on the manuscript of my own life.  My grandmother was one... one of her father's seventeen children as well as one of her mother's eleven.  Her oldest sister Lorene was evidently unable to bear children of her own, but I never, ever heard her complain about that, or talk about it at all.  I never asked her why she didn't have children, maybe because I was afraid to bring it up.  Her husband had lost two children in the Christmas Eve crash that claimed his first wife and left him with only his son. Maybe she figured it might've been better to have had no children at all.  His son gave her four step-grandchildren that she dearly loved in her own quiet way.  She wasn't the kind of grandmother who took the kids to Opryland (actually they didn't have that on either side, but all their grandparents cared for them very much) but she baked them goodies and visited them and kept an eye on them and probably went to graduations and things like that, I don't remember.  She also kept a lot of other relatives, like me. 

She, like Granny, had a portrait of a handsome young man I never had the privilege to know, my uncle Olie.  His death at age 18 was one of those events you see in movies, where a local teenager gets really sick (or has an accident or gets shot or... you get the picture) and dies young and the whole town shuts down for the funeral.  But before I knew all that about the town's reaction, I knew that my grandmother and all her family lost a dear brother, son, grandson, and uncle.  I guess because he didn't live long enough to have children and grandchildren of his own, I felt sort of obligated to keep his memory alive.  I think others in my family might've felt that way too.  For example, my uncle Lanny put a new headstone on Olie's grave.  Lanny was just a little fella when Olie died; I think he was about 3.

These are just a few of the stories I'd like to share, as well as some of the fictional characters I've created over the years.  Some of my characters are loosely based on real people and real events, but in general most are purely made up.  Here's an example of that:  I used to wonder what it would've been like if Lorene and her first husband had adopted a child, or had a baby late in life. Everette was only in his early 40s when he died, so he would've died very early in this baby's life.  I came up with a lot of good stories and characters from that "what if" story. Many of my stories are "what ifs" or at least they start out that way.  I do a lot of research into the past to find details and ideas.  Like looking at Olie's death certificate and obituary. 

I need to be looking at the inside of my eyelids.  Gotta go make that money while it's there.

Let me tell ya that it... HURTS SO BAD

I've written about my health and constant, chronic pain before.  Today, it is reaching new heights.  I slept about 3 hours, then I woke up to go to the bathroom and then I was hitting that period of the morning where different alarms go off every so often, my attempt at keeping my body waking up at around 5 AM when I go back to work tomorrow.  So I was in serious pain when it was time to get ready for church, and I decided not to go.  I didn't really want to miss church, but I sure didn't want to stand in the choir loft (or in the congregation) or sit in the pews while my feet were aching like sore teeth.

If you want to think I'm Miss Cheerful and never complain about anything... stop reading now, because it's gonna get hateful in here.  I hate dealing with chronic pain.  When I was in 3rd grade, I got to know a girl who was diabetic and I wanted to learn all about her.  I was a little jealous because she had a mid-morning break when she went to the teachers' lounge and my suspicion was that she had a snack (I was usually hungry before lunch so this seemed positive) and had to test her sugar... which was all by urine at the time, no sticking.  I thought it was a built-in diet trick to always drink diet sodas, I thought that would keep her from being a fat adult. (It didn't. She's not huge, but has never been thin.)  That was very important to me at the time. She did have to get insulin shots, but they didn't seem to bother her like shots bothered me. I thought, the worst thing that can happen is that old people with diabetes sometimes lost toes, and I wasn't sure why that happened, but her 11-year-old toes seemed to be in decent shape.  I also thought if shots were the worst thing... well, let me assure you, they are not.

The neuropathy started sometime around November, 2008.  I'd been diabetic for at least 2 years before that, and it wasn't too long after my diagnosis.  I was insulin resistant for many years, since at least 1985 and probably a few years before.  I thought it was just a genetic thing, most of my mom's family dealt with it.  I didn't realize what that was doing to my body, and I didn't realize that the way I ate was making it worse.  I had gestational diabetes in my first pregnancy, and though I didn't the second time, I did have a nine pound baby that time - both risk factors for developing diabetes later in life.  Even that didn't scare me.  I thought because I had low blood sugar that I wouldn't become diabetic, just like I couldn't starve myself because my sugar would dip too low.  Honestly, if my blood sugars hadn't been so wild, I probably would've been anorexic because food was always the enemy.  But I'd let them drop too low and then stuff some carbs down to get me through.  Carbs couldn't be too bad, right?  After all, they were low in fat and fat was the problem, right?  I ate more complex carbs, like pasta and potatoes, because they weren't simple sugars like candy that would run through me quickly.  I began to realize that I could eat sugars IF i ate something with protein first, so I did.

When I was diagnosed, I thought if I took my meds, I could still eat what I wanted, within limits.  I didn't really want as much sweet stuff, but I did still like it.  I thought I would never be able to cut carbs out completely, and I was eating so much less sugar than I used to, but eventually, they had to stop one of my medicines because of the liver function tests going haywire, so I just gave up and threw all caution to the wind.  For a year or so I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it.  Eventually I did attempt to cut out carbs, and I'm still pretty good at that, but I do eat some.  Like I had a hot dog, and instead of carb-laden side dishes, I had - sit down - a BUN!  Oops. Flag on the play.  The touchdown will not count.

I've been thoroughly disappointed with the inability of modern medicine to cure my pain.  Doctors say, "You've got to have better control of your sugar."  I'm like, it's 3:00 pm and all I've had all day was a protein shake that says it contains 25 carbs.  How could my sugars be high because of that?  So why are they hurting? Well, lots of things can make them hurt... but only keeping my sugars low is the only relief I can get???

I would try medical marijuana, but I live in a non-legal state.  I'm told my state representatives share the Attorney General's belief that marijuana leads to harder drugs.  I went to college.  I tried "weed" back in the day.  I never did any stronger drugs, and I was offered cocaine more than once.  For the record, I didn't try marijuana the first few times it was offered either.  I guess I did do "harder" drugs at times... I had morphine after surgery.  Once in awhile I'd have a prescription for an opiate, when I had broken bones and migraines and toothaches.  The medicine would help with whatever pain I was in at the time, but that wasn't because I smoked pot in college.  I could understand how people got hooked on opiates, because after surgery, it was a little scary to think about the pain without the drugs, but I was able to go longer and longer without them and substitute Tylenol for doses during the day until I could easily wean off the "hard stuff."  Nowadays I can't even get the doctors to write me a prescription for pain medicine, because it's taboo to prescribe opioids.  Oh, and by the way, I live in the number one opiate-prescribing state according to this study.  Not surprising, considering we are a long way from a medically-legal marijuana state.  I think in a few years our neighbor Arkansas will have it.  That's only three hours from me... certainly not convenient for moving.  Oh, if Kentucky would allow it, I'd probably move the 13 miles due north for that.

So i am left to my own devices to drown out the pain.  I'm gonna try turmeric.  Hell, what do I have to lose?  I go to bed terrified of what the next day is going to bring.  I have no guarantee that a night's sleep will allow me to wake up feeling energetic and pain-free.  (Occasionally, it happens.)  If I have to work, will I be miserable all day?  Maybe I'll have a good day and it'll feel better.  But after I stand a lot, what will my night be like?  If I can't sleep, I'm guaranteed a day of intense pain.  I have to check all the boxes:  a good night of rest, all medications taken on time, all meals at the correct time (which doesn't happen often in my work), no carbs (even on Christmas! Diabetes doesn't take a holiday), a good balance of sitting and standing and walking (something else I can't always control in my job).  Now, who among us can check all those boxes every.single.day?  Maybe I am a loser because I screw up on that list on a pretty regular basis.  Then there are the matters none of us can control, such as weather.  Did we get a cold front?  Count on extra pain.  Rain?  Probably.  But it's the way I eat that's the problem.  RIGHT.  Too cold in the room?  Better cover those feet, but socks are usually too tight, exacerbating the pain.

It's a vicious cycle.  Sleep late and take meds late?  Ouch.  Work to make money and, let's face it, to keep me on my feet... and pay for it later with sleepless nights.  It's driving me insane.  I've tried B-6, B-12, biotin, evening primrose oil, alpha-lipoic acid, multi-vitamins, Metanx, and using a TENS unit... ice, heating pad, more water, liquor, prayer (begging), and acupuncture.  While the latter can be helpful, it can also be useless. I've experienced more movement after a treatment, but also experienced more pain after one too.

If I get a lot of negative comments on today's post, I'll just shut down the comments on it.  So, if you have a suggestion (like the many who say, just eat less, just exercise more... ha, let me put you into my day and see how YOU do), let your words be nice and sweet, for later they may be words you'll have to eat.

Just remember I love you, more than I can say... maybe then your blues will fade away

And I almost titled this one "Your Love Has Lifted Me Higher," because it was out that year.  I was just tired of looking for a more appropriate title from the year in my mind. 

In 1977, I turned ten. My world was pretty small. I was born in Nashville but I lived just north of the county line in Ridgetop.  I thought Nashville was a pretty important place, like Chicago or New York.  I had no idea that there were bigger places in the world, though I had heard of far-away cities like New York and Atlanta.  I had been to the ocean in North Carolina, which made me a little different from my classmates who went to PCB every couple of years.

Two girls moved in up the road from my grandparents' house in the mid '70s.  They were from Seattle, which was way, way up in the return address corner of the United States.  Looking at it on the globe, it looked like it would be much colder, and I learned that sometimes it was, but they had a lot of weather similar to ours in Tennessee with sunshine and rain.  Humidity was something else.  It's still something else, let me tell you.

Looking back, I never began to comprehend what it must have been like to be a newcomer in a town like Ridgetop.  Having moved out of town a few times since then, I feel a little sorry about that. Everybody in Ridgetop must have seemed to be related. They moved to a house on a hill, a house built by my grandmother's family when she was a little girl and their old house on that same location burned.  From the front yard one could see eight houses.  I had relatives in two of those houses, my grandmother and her cousin Jerry.  Another neighbor was my aunt's sister-in-law.  She grew up there too.

That summer the neighbor girls' dad was transferred and they returned to Seattle.  Elvis died, Star Wars premiered, and other things happened that stamped the year in my memory. One happened to my brother.  Mom took him to day care, where he refused to drink the milk.  They thought he was just "faking" when he said he was allergic.  He obeyed.  He vomited.  Mom found another babysitter quick, cousin Jerry's wife Wanda.  Mom hadn't considered really thought of her earlier because she seemed to keep a lot of kids and had her hands full.  To my knowledge though, she never lost any!  At first I stayed by myself at my grandmother's house that summer, but there was some family trouble going on (other unforgettable events I don't want to write about tonight, and a few I didn't really understand) so I started going to Wanda's too.  I think she saw me as another big kid who could help with the little ones, like her younger brother and nephews who dropped in frequently.

Jerry was one of my favorite relatives.  He was one of those people who always had a smile.  Even in sad moments, he could muster up a grin.  He was funny and kind.  When I was a very little girl, long before 1977, I remember thinking he was cute.  Back then we called him "Jerry Lee."  I noticed a lot of my relatives calling him that today; I even found myself saying it.  When he was born he had a hole in his heart, and some of my earliest memories of him involved him being in the hospital in serious condition, having had a heart attack or something at a very early age (like 24 maybe?).  I remember being told his heart had stopped but he was brought back to life.  I knew what that meant.  It was very scary and I remember being very afraid that he would die.

I wish I could've seen him recently.  Most of the times I've seen him over the past 20 years were when he was working on cars out in the yard and the garage, and I was driving by on my way to Mom's and Granddaddy's.  I think I saw him at Mom's funeral; I know I saw him at Granddaddy's and talked to him for quite a while.

Today I went to his funeral.  I sure hated to see him go.  I pray for Wanda and his kids and grandkids.  Ridgetop is a sadder place without him for sure.

How can people have no feelings? Easy to be hard... easy to say no

I don't go political too much, but I have been hearing so much about healthcare reform, etc. lately. I have a lot to say about it, not as an employee but as a wife, mother, and daughter... as a woman, as a human.

No, health care is not a "right" per se, but in a country that wants to be one of the greatest, people should be able to access the necessary healthcare no matter their income. We have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If we have the right to life that means we have the right to do what's necessary to avoid death. Being ill can often feel like imprisonment, the opposite of liberty. One can be happy in poor health, but it's not easy. I have no problem with working to pay for my health insurance. The rock star and I always have. I also have no problem with my tax dollars helping people who truly cannot work to pay for their health insurance. For example, my mom had stage IV cancer and worked as a "cafeteria lady" far longer than most people in her condition would have because long-term disability wouldn't pay enough to maintain her coverage. She got a type of state-funded insurance, which she had previously when she was working in a job that did not provide insurance. Her doctor became angry when she changed coverage, but she had little choice if she wanted to buy food and have running water and electricity. Someone I knew years ago was paralyzed on a motorcycle. He has since passed, but he couldn't work. He was in his early 20s. Could you look him in the eye and tell him he didn't deserve healthcare???

http://www.salon.com/2017/05/02/alabama-congressman-people-who-lead-good-lives-dont-have-preexisting-conditions/

I read an article where a man said that people who lived right don't have pre-existing conditions. The writer specifically mentioned strokes, heart problems, and birth defects. The rock star had a stroke at age 4 (yes, four) because of a birth defect - a heart problem. Not only that, but my grandmother had a stroke at age six. I'm not kidding. Personally, I am INSULTED that I would be blamed for my child having a birth defect. Yes, I had one of those too. I still have him! I did not smoke or do drugs when I was pregnant. I had a cold and had to take some medicine early on, which was okayed by my doctor. I don't want to say I'm a victim, but I don't think it was my fault. Nor do I blame my father-in-law for becoming the father of the rock star ten months after coming home from Vietnam where he was often exposed to Agent Orange... he didn't get drafted, he enlisted... but no, it was not his fault that his son was born with a life-threatening heart defect. I read someone's comment that Jimmy Kimmel's child was born with a heart defect because it was "karma" because he made jokes about Donald Trump. I disagree. Besides, what did that tiny baby do to deserve that?

I have a pre-existing condition, though i wasn't born with it. I'll take responsibility for my Type 2 diabetes. I ate my way into it. I'm sure all those low-fat, high-carb foods I ate in attempts to lose weight and maintain it in my 20s and 30s didn't have anything to do with my body becoming insulin resistant. I had inherited a predisposition to blood sugar issues. And my mom's cancer? She didn't smoke, seldom drank, tried to eat right and maintain a healthy weight, and exercised regularly most of her adult life. So why did she get cancer? Oh, that was probably hereditary too. What do you think about people whose genetic profiles show predisposition to diseases? Should we deny coverage to those people because we know it's going to cost more to take care of them? You going to look me in the eye and tell me no? And the young but now deceased motorcyclist? What if I told you he was driving too fast and was at fault? Would you look him in the eye and deny him coverage after that?

I have a problem with people who think it's ok to deny coverage for pre-existing conditions. Even though our insurance pays for those, our dental insurance would NOT cover needed dental implants for our child who was born with a cleft palate, and had teeth that did not form enamel properly (a condition that also affected my brother, though his lip and palate were fine). He had two root canals that had broken in the growth and surgical process. He had one tooth I jokingly called a "bubba tooth" - he laughed at it too - but it really wasn't funny, it was only about half a tooth. This after nine years of braces, 12 years of dental appliances... in his (then) 18 years of life.

If my brothers, uncle, and I had not just sold my mother's house, I'd planned to refinance my car to borrow that money. We're talking five digits worth of money, and that's not counting the numbers on the right of the decimal. I felt like we were lucky. I'd rather have had my mom living in that house, but I felt she would have approved of the money being spent that way.

I agree that the ACA - "Obamacare," as it is so frequently called, is not really its name - needs work and maybe even replacement. I want to see pre-existing conditions left in. I say we do not need caps on coverage. My sweet rock star and son might have had to do without healthcare... and who knows when we'd have had to start doing without. My mom's insurance company re-analyzed several medicines over the years. I think they were surprised that someone who had been through all she had was still alive, so they didn't realize they had to keep paying for those drugs!

When I was a new nuclear medicine tech back in the early 90s, occasionally I would see kids who had been born with cystic fibrosis (CF). Back then, a kid born with CF had a life expectancy of maybe 20 years. Now, babies born with the disease have a much longer life expectancy as more and more patients are living into their 40s and even beyond. If you put a cap on their benefits, some of those kids would not survive that long because they sometimes spend a lot of time in the hospital. I care, and that's because one of my childhood friends has a child with the disease. I don't know for certain but I would be beyond shocked if I learned that they had done anything at all during pregnancy to "deserve" a child with such a condition. No, that, like so many other things, is a GENETIC issue.

If you are healthy and have lived a "good" lifestyle, you are LUCKY. You won the genetic lottery. You may be taking good care of yourself and for that, you should be proud, but you should not judge others, for you do not know their stories. Can you honestly say you've never overeaten, or had too much ice cream, or just once, slept instead of working out? Can you truly say you've never broken the speed limit? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. As the saying goes, Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. (source unknown; attributed to Plato)

How can people be so heartless
How can people be so cruel
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who care about evil
And social injustice

Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people be so heartless
You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to give in
Easy to help out

And especially people
Who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice

Do you only
Care about the bleeding crowd
How about a needing friend?
I need a friend

How can people have no feelings
How can they ignore their friends
Easy to be hard
Easy to be cold
Easy to be proud
Easy to say no

Songwriters
Ragni, Gerome / Rado, James / Mac Dermot, Galt

me and my drum

Have I written about this song?  It's on TV right now.  It was playing in the room when my grandfather passed away... in a few days that will have been seven years.  Or as he would say it, seb'm years.  I miss him all the time.

My blog hasn't been very active lately.  My focus of late has been set on preparing for the ARRT MRI registry. I still have about 90 procedures to log before I can take the test, and it isn't something you just walk in and do before you've seen 10 of them.  It's not like what I do in nucs, which is so repetitive and so ingrained into my brain that I can actually focus more on taking care of my patients and doing the many other things that are part of the job.  I do hope I can work at least part-time hours in MRI for my current employer, because I've been a part of that environment and I really, really like the pace and the interaction with the emergency room there.

I want to write about so much more.  I want to write about medicine, and education, and places and people and fiction and non-fiction.  I want to keep teaching CPR and doing nucs and MRI and hopefully some TEE too, although I think they're more likely to get one of the heart station techs for that.  I like being there.  I like what I do for a living.  I like doing it there and in the capacity I do because it is a good pace for me.  I'm getting old and I need all the help I can get.

So tonight I'm writing about writing.  I have been journaling as I usually do, documenting everything from my desire to drink a whole quart of boiled custard (not something I would recommend for a diabetic) to details of Randy's eye disease.  For me writing is not just something I do to document history or to tell stories, it's something that helps me sort through the insanity that runs through my brain. 

My brain has caused me a lot of trouble, which I'm trying to turn into something a little more constructive.  Depression, or bipolar disorder if you believe the most current diagnosis (and I do), has taken its toll on me and this house.  Chronic pain hasn't helped either.  Diabetic neuropathy has been horrible to me.  I'm not quite as heavy as I was, but I'm more crippled by it along with the degenerative changes I've had, like plantar fasciitis, arthritis, avascular necrosis, and other issues.  And somehow during the years of constant lesson planning and grading and exhaustion, I totally lost control of this house and my finances.  I've been working on the house, not just to create a more writing-conducive environment but because I need to organize the budget and paperwork.  It's really not that we can't pay the bills anymore, because we do a pretty good job of it.  I just need to get ready for the day when I can't drive to Nashville anymore, when it's time to move to assisted living or what have you.  Hopefully, that day is a long ways off.

Today I cleaned under my son's old bed and then moved the queen mattress and box springs into his old room.  I have a place for the twin mattress and frame and the old box spring is ready for the dump.  I have a box spring for the twin where it's going.  I moved my old recliner and took a TV into the kitchen/office and I am set up to get this room and all its paperwork under control so I can get out of debt.  I do see that as a possibility someday and it excites me.  Getting in there and working was exciting for me too.  So hopefully, in a few days, I'll be ready to start on some of the projects I think about all the time... like updating all my websites.  The Hee Haw almanac and website need a lot of work and I have some real goals to work on.  I need to get my ads up to date on all my sites and try to make them pay off a little.  I want to sell some of the collectible stuff I have and thin out my collections.  I want to write a lot more about country music history because there is a whole lot of it to share.  I want to write about not just the health issues I have but also those that are in the news and on the medical TV shows... about health education for health science teachers and college students who are interested in medicine.  And music... I want to market myself as well as our band.  I want to have information about my health and wellness business.  And lest I forget, this is where I sometimes do a little preaching.  So watch this space for more...

Happy, happy birthday, blog!

TEN years ago today this blog moved from MSN Spaces to Blogger.  TEN years.  A chronicle of my life... 20% or so of my life... documented on the 'Net for all the world to see.  Yes, there were times there were gaps of up to 11 months.  Two different years that I posted only 5 times.  But, I can look back and smile, remembering things like my little girl putting the wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier when she was 13.  Now she is 23... and almost 24.

I can't believe it's been 10 years since I started this blog.  Time flies, whether you're having fun or not!

I updated my health blog this morning and will update the Brewer's Chapel blog in the near future... maybe tonight.

Life is good and keep looking for more updates!

I get a peaceful, easy feeling... and I know you won't let me down.

Hey, y'all... been a long, long time since my last post and probably for good reason.  Life has changed forever, and whether that's a good or bad thing is still kind of too soon to know, but it's been great so far. The Rock Star had a gastric bypass in January and since then it's been... well, even before that it got pretty crazy.  I could write a book about it, and someday maybe I will.  The great part is that, so far, any changes it's made in him have been very positive.

We haven't had a real smooth road. Well, the Rock Star has but I have taken the whole process very hard as it has opened some really bad emotional baggage from years ago.  And just like opening luggage that's been closed for a long time, it has been pretty nasty at times.  But like washing out old, well-built suitcases and well-made clothes, the end results can be profitable (like selling them in vintage clothing stores).  I'm not selling my marriage at the flea market or giving it to the Goodwill.  I'm keeping it because by golly, this old suitcase is the bomb.com.  But I did get rid of the 50-year-old straws and napkins.  The bell bottom jeans are staying too.

I have been through a lot of issues about my body size, and tomorrow I may feel totally different, but I'm in a little better place since I decided to stay away from the scale and focus on looking the best I can for the adventure that day will bring.  My diet... well, that's whatever I need to do to keep my blood sugar in a good place.  If my blood sugars tend to run over 140, my feet hurt a lot.  Now, other things can aggravate the feet too, but if there's no other logical reason (such as a heavy workload or strenuous exercise the previous day, or lack of sleep or an incoming storm or weather change), I look at my blood sugars.  I don't check it every day but I do look at it several times a week at different times of the day and if I see it trending upward I keep a close eye on it until I get it under control.  I need to exercise more but we've been doing a lot of hiking and in general I try to move more than I did in the past.

And then I didn't end up with one ounce of weight loss, and I thought maybe I needed to have a gastric bypass, but the doctor suggested a change of lifestyle, and I changed it a little more by watching my diet a little closer and moving a tad more, and changing my diet drastically, and then thinking, this is not sustainable... and going through another low point where I felt completely devastated.  So several people I talked to said, "Go to another doctor, surely you will find someone who will help you with this," and I realized that I really do not WANT to have a gastric bypass at this point in my life.  I may later, if I continue to gain weight even after the lifestyle changes, or if I don't lose any weight at all... but at this point I am not ready for that.  I am enjoying the "new" Randy a lot.  He seems to be enjoying me too.  I have a lot to be thankful for... and one of those things is that Randy likes to do a lot more stuff outside the house and it's really great to get to do that with him. 

I'm actually sort of a Cheatham County Rock Star myself these days.  Randy's band "Traveler" invited me to be a part of their lineup and I'm happily doing so.  Always on the lookout for more gigs and singing opportunities... so keep looking here and on Facebook for updates (www.facebook.com/travelerclarksville).

This week on RFD-TV they're featuring from 2/26/1977, Season 8 episode 22, with guest stars Ernest Tubb and Jody Miller.  I'm not sure how I feel about this "Hee Haw" episode... it features Ernest Tubb, which is great, but Buck Owens is singing "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" and I'm not sure how I like that.  Funny, though, I may go back and listen to it again sometime so I can feel for some higher harmony.  Too bad Don Rich was already gone by the time this came out...

And this song "Roll Me On the Water" by Jody Miller... wow.  Those are some risqué lyrics for the 70s.  She was cute though.  Wonder what ever happened to her???  Well, I wondered and here is what Google told me.  http://www.jodymillermusic.com/

Hee Haw salutes Ernest Tubb's hometown of Crisp, Texas!  I heard that the Ernest Tubb Record Shop in Music Valley Village has closed.  I sure hate that.  I wonder what happened to the old tour bus there?

Well... that's not all by any means, but it's a return to the blogging world and I hope someone is glad I shared. 

Working for a living...

So tonight I'm sitting here halfway watching TV and halfway working.  I need to figure out how much work I need to do outside of my part-time jobs this week.  But Hee Haw is on!  That's actually pretty good inspiration for working on webpages.  I'm doing nukes tomorrow.  I've got a doctor appointment Tuesday and then working afterward, then all day Wednesday, and teaching CPR the end of the week in Springfield and at Vandy.  This is my "audition" with Vandy so I hope I "pass." 

I figure blogging is a good start to my workweek. 

Tonight's the weekly Arbonne sales call for our team.  I have asked two people to host for me in the last 2 days, 3 really, but 2 are hosting together.  They scheduled a date for me, next month, but that's all right... better than no date at all.  The third didn't, yet, but maybe soon.  I'm going to make some ads to put on my pages.  I don't like to work too much on Sundays... I think we all need to rest one day a week if we can.

I'm pushing the 80/20 rule on eating.  I'm only following about 50/50 right now!  No, maybe 60/40.  I'm working at it.  I went to the Y in Clarksville today and that was a good thing.

The day Billy Joe McCalister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge

It was the third of June!

See the video of "Ode to Billy Joe" here.

Anyway, it was quite a day.  I had a venous Doppler ultrasound on my leg, which swells when it wants to and hurts most of the time.  I forgot to take my morning meds so I suffered through the early afternoon, napped for a couple of hours with the cats all up in the bed with me, and then I woke up, packed the vehicle, and headed to my daughter's place so I can be closer to my jobs for a couple of days.

Lately I've been doing a lot of website work because in a few weeks the nuc tech work will dry up a little bit and I'll need more money.  Heck, I need more money now!!!  So, in the next few weeks I'm hoping you'll see a lot more activity on this blog and my others as well.  Well, maybe not the teaching blogs, but some of the others anyway.

Stay tuned...

One more time for all of the old times!

Yesterday I worked in home health and in my free time (and afterward) I did some karaoke "hopping."  My first stop was Knight's Pizza in Greenbrier.  They need a web page!  Hey, if y'all are reading this and you need a web page, let me know by posting a reply to this post and I will get you started cheap! 

The next place I went, after work, was CJ's Grille in White House. These folks need a web page too, but they DO have a Facebook page.  I put the other link in just because I know not everybody does Facebook.  For that matter there are still a few people who don't use the Internet all the time like I do. 

All that singing had me in a great mood going from my first patient's house to my second and going home too, although by then the singing was over because the voice was tired.  Of course I really enjoy doing home health, but some days the driving gets tedious and occasionally I am in a lot of pain from beginning to end and sometimes the next day as well. 

Today there was church and then dinner at Logan's in Clarksville.  Since then it's been a day for curling up on the couch and halfway watching a movie with Randy (Machete Kills - wouldn't have been my choice, but it's got a huge cast and it's somewhat entertaining.  I would rate it NC17 for violence and language, but it's certainly not boring.). It's cold and rainy here, and we've just begun to get thunder.  Thunder snows are rare.  I haven't heard any sleet, but hopefully it will just go straight to 3 or 4 inches of snow and we won't have any of this "wintry mix" we keep hearing about.

The first time I remember hearing thunder when it was snowing was when I was almost 11.  Mom was very, very pregnant with Garner and that winter had been particularly bad.  It was 1978,one of those years we ran out of snow days and some of those snows were over six inches.  It was a sort of scary afternoon, and we needed our clothes washed, and we didn't have a washer and dryer in our apartment so we got in the VW and went to the laundromat in Greenbrier.  (Now, there is a laundromat within walking distance!)  Dad came up there looking for us because we weren't home and the weather was horrible.  Everything was all right.  We were just hurrying to get everything done so we could get home out of the elements.  By the way, the website I used for that 1978 link is pretty cool.  One can easily compare the data from the past to the future to see if they still believe in global warming, or just to prove that yes, dear, we did get deeper snows and more of them in the '70s.  Don't ask me why.

Here's a healthcare funny I might share with my students.  What if the doctor wore the johnny?

tapestry

Don't die of shock because I'm writing two days in a row!

I'm actually seeing some benefit in using this as a method for web curation.  I Tweet interesting articles but I don't think I can use Twitter in class.  Interestingly, Tumblr isn't blocked, or at least it wasn't earlier in the school year.

Here's an article from Neuroscience News about a polio-like illness recently found in California.  I'd just Tweeted about another one... that one was in the emergency medicine journal Medscape Emergency.

I'm teaching about ECGs right now.  Here's a blog I just found:  Keeping ECGs Simple

Professional dress article in NurseTogether.com... I may have to see if I can get into the "inner circle" of this site.  I'm sure I can add something!

I've been a little disturbed by this recent news:  Three Parents.  Can you see me shivering?  Eeehhwww.

Another possibly troubling lab test... new DNA test for Down Syndrome.  As a parent of a child born with a birth defect, I know that knowing what we were facing before he was born was a wonderful gift, but I wonder how this test will affect abortion rates.  I'm sure there will be many heated debates about this one (but hopefully, not on this blog...).

Growing up, the first person I ever knew with Downs was Dawn Hulsizer, who passed away Sunday night and was buried today.  My heart is so heavy for her family, but she is flying with the angels now.  I love the picture her family put on the funeral home website.  I can't help but wonder... what if we're not the "normal" ones, they are?  Or if they're the more advanced, evolved models of humanity? I can just hear her dad calling her "Dawnie" with his New York accent...

Anybody remember diagramming sentences?  Here's a fun article about those.  Speaking of sentences, here are some really strange sentences.

I've got to stop.  I could go on all night doing this.

Yet another type of testing in this article from NPR:  You got WHAT in the mail?

Autism diagnosis changes...

Finally, my new favorite website ever.  Weekly Top 40

I'm not Lisa. My name is Julie.

My name is not Julie.  Nor was the woman's singing this song - that would've been Jessi Colter, the undeniably hot wife (now widow) of Waylon Jennings.  My really pretty stepsister looks a lot like a young Jessi, to me.  Yes, I am a little jealous - Jessi was hot, but also extremely cool.  Still is, really.

That link will take you to a YouTube video of her singing on "Hee Haw" and, of course, if you know me, you'll know I've written a bunch of stuff about that show.

I didn't start this post with the intention of writing about Jessi Colter.  I wanted to write about someone named Julie, Julie London.  She was another hot but extremely cool lady.  Yes, I really AM heterosexual.  I promise.  But when you're a kid, you often admire the beautiful women in your life and in front of you on the TV.  I haven't forgotten this!

With this sort of mindset, the other morning I was fighting the urge to go back to sleep.  The night before, I'd been up late and I read the IMDb profile I linked above, and I thought, I really need to watch some "Emergency."  So that morning when I was dragging, I thought, "What would Dixie McCall do?"  Dixie, of course, was the name of Julie's character, the unflappable, consummate ER nurse who was, in my humble opinion, perfect for the job.  She stood up for others, whether they be the patient or a co-worker, whenever necessary.  She offered a listening ear or a hand to hold.  She was efficient and professional, caring and yet direct.  She was smart and always knew what to do.  I still want to be Dixie when I grow up.

What would Dixie have done that early morning?  Why, she'd have gotten up and made a pot of coffee and gotten down to business!  I could've made a pot of coffee, but I've been drinking tea more lately.  I had a jug in the kitchen, so I poured myself a big glass and got on with my day.  I had an observation that day.  I don't know yet how it went (my meeting is tomorrow) but I felt cool, calm, unflappable, and interesting.  I created a meme and put it on my desktop both at home and work, and even printed a copy for my desk at work:

You may copy it... I don't remember where the picture came from either so I deserve no credit.  It's good to have it.  I sat down here awhile ago and I saw that picture and I thought... Dixie would sit here and do her lesson plans!

Of course I sat here and wrote this post instead... but I'll get to work on those lesson plans right away.  I just had to share this with my "fans."  (tee, hee... these probably never get read!)

Someday, lady, you'll accomp'ny me

I could've sworn I used this post title before... but I couldn't find it.  Doesn't matter.  I have had this song in my mind the last few days, and then I got "Roll Me Away," because it, too, was in my head.  I didn't really understand the feeling of wanting to just go back then, when those songs came out.  Now I do.  I wish I could've driven off and kept driving during my spring break.  It's OK though.  I did some different things last week after I got my medical stuff out of the way.  I had a fairly normal ultrasound, a cavity filled, blood work that I still haven't heard about... and then I moved a bunch of furniture from Mom's house and moved some out of here.  I rented a booth at an antique mall and a storage bin in Pleasant View.  Life is pretty good, I think.  I hope I feel the same way tomorrow after school.

'Cause we live in a time when meaning falls in splinters from our lives

Today has been a hard day.

It has been a month now, and I can't say it makes sense yet.  I feel terrible, like somehow I let her down by not being able to keep her alive.  She wanted to live, so badly.  And yet I know that she wouldn't want to come back now.  She suffered so much.  I think she just got so tired.

I miss her.  I wish I could have kept her with me for the rest of my life, but only if she was healthy and enjoying life, and not having to go through all that chemo and radiation.  I thought about that occasionally, like what if we were out on a Sunday afternoon and had an accident and went together?  But that's not the way it happened and for the family's sake, I know that's a good thing. 

This experience has changed me and I'm not sure I like the way I have turned out, but I have learned a lot about myself in the past month.

I know that life is short.  I have spent too much time playing cards and looking at silly blogs and tumblrs.  I am going to use my spring break a little more wisely than I have in the past.  I am going to declutter my house 15 minutes at a time.  Yes, that's a FlyLady concept but please don't put me on the email list!  I have to declutter my emails!!!  :D

I know that life is short and we should do things we want to do and things we think will make a difference in the world, even if the difference seems small.  I have searched my heart and my soul to figure out if I am headed in the right direction.

I have had to face some of my past, not that I have a lot of regrets, but I think we should learn from our past, and one mistake I have made over and over and over again is that I seem to never be happy.  Is that why I can't get a nuclear medicine job in Nashville, because I have the reputation for never being content where I am?  I know that's why I have such a dirty house, because I was never happy living here.  I wanted to live in Ridgetop.  Now, I don't have much reason to.  Mom's gone, Grandaddy's gone, and Randy works 40 miles from there.  This house is 17.5 miles from his work and 18.5 miles from mine... and I only work 10 months out of the year. 

I like my car, though.

I may not always like teaching but I like my classroom.  I could improve it, but I like it.

It's late and I have an appointment early.  It may not ever make sense, but maybe I can be at peace with that.

Some people call me the Space Cowboy...

I couldn't decide on a song title for today's post.  Yesterday was Christmas, and Mom is doing better so I didn't need anything else for Christmas.  Randy was really disappointed that we had to spend our Christmas money on Rachel's car.  He never would tell me what he wanted to get me... or what he secretly wanted to spend that money on... but I wasn't disappointed at all.

Well, I don't like to post about job stuff, not anymore, but I am going to admit that I'd been interested in a nuc med job.  I miss working in nuc med and not just because teaching is a stressful job.  (Nucs could be stressful too.)  Today I talked to a former co-worker who is the imaging director at her current workplace.  She was not very encouraging (it's a long story but she was very nice), though she did say she'd consider me for summer PRN work.  I have 2 possibilities for that, which is better than where I've been in the past.

So, I guess I'm staying in the classroom.  Last semester ended on a sad note.  I can't go into all the details but all of you know about what happened in Connecticut at the end of the semester.  That happened right after I had a not-so-hot observation and right before I got a threatening email.  I felt like there was a huge shadow hanging over the idea of having two weeks off.  On the other hand, I was looking forward to having two weeks - or at least one - to plan ahead.  I've done a little of that today and I'm glad.  I'm not ready, but I'm feeling a lot better about it.

Come fly away, let's fly, let's fly away...

Are you familiar with the FlyLady?  I have been a fledgling off-and-on for awhile.  I don't usually like adhering to a "system" unless it's something I've designed myself (for example, I go through my list every morning - I made it up one summer when I was having a hard time getting up at a "decent" hour and getting ready to go anywhere - for some reason I have no problem remembering "Tea, hair, meds, dress, teeth, eat, phone.").  So, I've struggled with sticking to the FlyLady system too.

A lot of people who know me probably think I am fairly organized.  Most of them might be surprised if they came to my house and saw it in the pigsty condition in which it usually stays.  Many things have contributed to this.  It started when I was working part-time at NorthCrest and I felt guilty because I didn't have my house clean all the time.  Well, I guess really it started before that.  I was "born organized" as FlyBabies say, but when I started dating Randy I discovered that one could survive while flying by the seat of the pants (Not to be confused with "FLYing.") not just where cleaning is concerned but in many other ways as well.   A few years later I wanted to fill my house with more little ones - so I ended up with 3 cats and a dog - and my house got messier and messier.  Then my health started interfering, where I couldn't stand up for long periods of time.  And somewhere in there my work schedule started interfering too.  Not only was I working at home just to keep up, I was taking online classes... and of course I had to rebel and do nothing to "relax."

So the house is a wreck.

I REALLY want to clean it up and post pictures of before and after.  I am not sure I want people to know how bad it is, but maybe once I get it under control I'll be okay with it.  One challenge I have is that it's kind of like catching up on your laundry or your dishes or for us teachers, catching up all the grading... just because you get it completely clean (or caught up) doesn't mean you never have to clean it again.  It's a constant job; it never really ends.  The FlyLady system has a lot of built-in routines to address this issue.  I am going to try it again.  Now if this works I will have to write another blog entry about self-discipline and the Word of God... but more on that later.

Come on sugar, let me know!

Not really... the other day I thought, "Do ya think I'm sexy" would be a cool title for a blog entry... but next thing you know I'd be getting responses of naked people.  So I just put those words in the blog itself, and I'll take my chances.

Actually I have nothing sexy at all to tell in this post.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for many things in my life.  The $54 it cost to get Derek's car fixed - really thankful for that!  Praise God and thanks to Auto Service of Pleasant View.

Going to my brother's house for the big day tomorrow and may go to Dad's for awhile too.

A few weeks ago I got the urge - the quite sudden urge - to start working with pottery.  It was like I suddenly wanted to work with a pottery wheel.  I did some molding with clay, and I enjoyed that to some extent, but there aren't many real pottery classes around here.  So one day I thought I'd go to Hobby Lobby and see what kind of craft supplies they had and suddenly, I didn't want to do that anymore.  I decided to get back into crocheting.  I'm glad I did.  I am enjoying it even though all I've done so far is make a "bootie" for myself.  My feet get cold easily and then they hurt, but they hurt really bad if I wear socks!  So I'm making "booties" to wear around the house.  I may even line them with memory foam because they would then be a little more supportive for my arches and then the yarn wouldn't hurt my feet either.  (I have plenty of room in this first one I made.)

I tell it like it used to be.

Yesterday I had this song on my mind.  I guess you could take it different ways.  I am not living in the past like the writer of the song.  It was more like telling it like it will be.

Sometimes I have to fight the negative thoughts in my head.  Don't we all, sometimes?  Like, I sometimes find myself thinking, "I'm depressed" for no apparent reason.  Oh, I have as many reasons as most people to be depressed:  a stressful job, more month than money, car troubles once or twice a month, a sick relative (or two or three) at least that often... I could go on, but I won't because I don't want to get depressed.  I have just as many, if not more, reasons NOT to be depressed:  a wonderful husband, amazing children, a good family, a warm house and a steady job, a great church family and good friends, and I could go on and on.

So yesterday when "I'm depressed" entered my head, I thought, "No, I used to be."

And I thought, I could apply that to so many other negatives in life, not just mine but others' lives as well.

I'm lazy.  No, I used to be.  Now I'm not.

I'm selfish.  No, I used to be.  Now I'm giving and caring.

Maybe it's crazy to carry on both sides of a conversation in your mind, but then again, maybe it used to be.  Maybe now I'm rational.

Accentuate the positive!

I believe I've had an entry by that name before, but today it seems good.  I am on fall break.  Yay!!!  Poor D, he has had to go to school.  The rock star will be off the next two days.  On Friday he's got a gig.  I guess our traveling won't be happening this time.  Oh, well.  Christmas will be here soon and maybe we can do some driving then.

We're going to choir practice in a few minutes so I can't write long.  I just had the urge to share my feelings.  I want to be happier being a teacher.  A few days ago Randy and I discussed this and he gave me his opinion that I lack self-confidence... which I totally agree with.  He followed that up by saying that I hate myself, with which I totally disagree. 

So today I typed in "Positive thinking Bible verses" and I saw a site with several verses.  I really liked it and I surfed around it a lot.  Here's the one I really honed in on.

Hebrews 13:5 ESV

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I love it!  It reminded me why I've been searching for a nuclear medicine part-time job, or possibly full-time job - because I'd like to make more money.  I almost forgot I'll be needing a little less after this school year, Lord willing; I'll have both vehicles paid for and I sure hope I don't need another one that requires a payment any time soon.

I'm happy with my husband 90% of the time (which is probably better than average), and with my body 75% of the time (which is probably WAY better than average, and most people would not be happy with mine!  Oh, well).  So can I be happy with my job?  My house?  I'm working on it.  I'm getting there.

SI... oh, who cares. When you close your eyes, do you dream about me?

Do you remember this song?  I do.  Does it have any significant meaning for today's post?  Well, it has a significant meaning for today.  I woke up early this morning, dreaming about someone from my past.  And in my dream I must have been watching something that would have happened 25 plus years ago and I said, "It's all right.  One day he is going to realize what he's missed out on and it's going to be too late."


And he did.  


And it was.  


And now I have these dreams from time to time and sometimes they worry me because back in the day I would dream about him two nights in a row and find out that something had happened, like his grandmother died, and there was something else, but I don't remember what.  Maybe when his aunt died, I don't know.  I didn't have a premonition about his mother, I can tell you that.  Well, I did in a way... a few months before she died I dreamed about him and wondered.  Nothing specific though.


I am still working on improvements (cleaning, specifically) and starting tomorrow (it's a holiday weekend) I'll go back to working on something for school every day, or every weekday at least.  I'm trying to do healthy things for myself too and I'm learning about herbs again.  I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I have toyed with the idea for a long time, but yesterday I was talking with my mom about... of all things, medical marijuana. Now, we didn't get into the whole, "This could be good for you," thing.  Nothing that deep, of course; it was more speculation on whether someone we know from a state where medicinal use is legal has a prescription.  She says no but this person is using it illegally.  I said maybe he or she is, maybe he or she is not, but if this person is using it, he/she very likely has an rx.  Mom didn't think this person had the financial resources to get a prescription.  It was at that point I stopped arguing with her because... well,  there comes a point in family arguments/discussions where tensions and voices are raised and motives are questioned (and you really do not want to know what motives have been questioned in the past).  We had not come to that point yet and I didn't think it was worth going there.  And somehow my thought process came around to what would I do if I couldn't teach anymore... I guess because the subject of our discussion is unemployed.  I thought, nuc med jobs are scarce everywhere, and if for some reason I couldn't teach, I'd want to move somewhere like Arizona and become a midwife or an herbalist or something like that.  I think another thought on my mind was what someone like Mom would do.  I don't know what she is going to do now.  I don't know how long she can keep her disability, her insurance, and all of that.  And how many people are out there who don't have insurance?  Who don't have treatments for diseases like cancer?  There's a lot to think about.


So is that what I need to do?  I don't think so.  I think teaching is the thing for me right now.  Someday it may not be, and when that happens, at least I know there are options out there.