'Cause we live in a time when meaning falls in splinters from our lives

Today has been a hard day.

It has been a month now, and I can't say it makes sense yet.  I feel terrible, like somehow I let her down by not being able to keep her alive.  She wanted to live, so badly.  And yet I know that she wouldn't want to come back now.  She suffered so much.  I think she just got so tired.

I miss her.  I wish I could have kept her with me for the rest of my life, but only if she was healthy and enjoying life, and not having to go through all that chemo and radiation.  I thought about that occasionally, like what if we were out on a Sunday afternoon and had an accident and went together?  But that's not the way it happened and for the family's sake, I know that's a good thing. 

This experience has changed me and I'm not sure I like the way I have turned out, but I have learned a lot about myself in the past month.

I know that life is short.  I have spent too much time playing cards and looking at silly blogs and tumblrs.  I am going to use my spring break a little more wisely than I have in the past.  I am going to declutter my house 15 minutes at a time.  Yes, that's a FlyLady concept but please don't put me on the email list!  I have to declutter my emails!!!  :D

I know that life is short and we should do things we want to do and things we think will make a difference in the world, even if the difference seems small.  I have searched my heart and my soul to figure out if I am headed in the right direction.

I have had to face some of my past, not that I have a lot of regrets, but I think we should learn from our past, and one mistake I have made over and over and over again is that I seem to never be happy.  Is that why I can't get a nuclear medicine job in Nashville, because I have the reputation for never being content where I am?  I know that's why I have such a dirty house, because I was never happy living here.  I wanted to live in Ridgetop.  Now, I don't have much reason to.  Mom's gone, Grandaddy's gone, and Randy works 40 miles from there.  This house is 17.5 miles from his work and 18.5 miles from mine... and I only work 10 months out of the year. 

I like my car, though.

I may not always like teaching but I like my classroom.  I could improve it, but I like it.

It's late and I have an appointment early.  It may not ever make sense, but maybe I can be at peace with that.

Some people call me the Space Cowboy...

I couldn't decide on a song title for today's post.  Yesterday was Christmas, and Mom is doing better so I didn't need anything else for Christmas.  Randy was really disappointed that we had to spend our Christmas money on Rachel's car.  He never would tell me what he wanted to get me... or what he secretly wanted to spend that money on... but I wasn't disappointed at all.

Well, I don't like to post about job stuff, not anymore, but I am going to admit that I'd been interested in a nuc med job.  I miss working in nuc med and not just because teaching is a stressful job.  (Nucs could be stressful too.)  Today I talked to a former co-worker who is the imaging director at her current workplace.  She was not very encouraging (it's a long story but she was very nice), though she did say she'd consider me for summer PRN work.  I have 2 possibilities for that, which is better than where I've been in the past.

So, I guess I'm staying in the classroom.  Last semester ended on a sad note.  I can't go into all the details but all of you know about what happened in Connecticut at the end of the semester.  That happened right after I had a not-so-hot observation and right before I got a threatening email.  I felt like there was a huge shadow hanging over the idea of having two weeks off.  On the other hand, I was looking forward to having two weeks - or at least one - to plan ahead.  I've done a little of that today and I'm glad.  I'm not ready, but I'm feeling a lot better about it.

Accentuate the positive!

I believe I've had an entry by that name before, but today it seems good.  I am on fall break.  Yay!!!  Poor D, he has had to go to school.  The rock star will be off the next two days.  On Friday he's got a gig.  I guess our traveling won't be happening this time.  Oh, well.  Christmas will be here soon and maybe we can do some driving then.

We're going to choir practice in a few minutes so I can't write long.  I just had the urge to share my feelings.  I want to be happier being a teacher.  A few days ago Randy and I discussed this and he gave me his opinion that I lack self-confidence... which I totally agree with.  He followed that up by saying that I hate myself, with which I totally disagree. 

So today I typed in "Positive thinking Bible verses" and I saw a site with several verses.  I really liked it and I surfed around it a lot.  Here's the one I really honed in on.

Hebrews 13:5 ESV

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I love it!  It reminded me why I've been searching for a nuclear medicine part-time job, or possibly full-time job - because I'd like to make more money.  I almost forgot I'll be needing a little less after this school year, Lord willing; I'll have both vehicles paid for and I sure hope I don't need another one that requires a payment any time soon.

I'm happy with my husband 90% of the time (which is probably better than average), and with my body 75% of the time (which is probably WAY better than average, and most people would not be happy with mine!  Oh, well).  So can I be happy with my job?  My house?  I'm working on it.  I'm getting there.

I said, watch what you say, now we're calling you a radical, a liberal, oh, fanatical, criminal

I picked this song because of the word "Radical." I couldn't think of another song that used that word, and I'll get to why I used it. When I looked up the lyrics and hummed through it, memories came flooding over me. Today's been a day full of memories, because I saw a photo - well, 3 actually - of the first boy I ever kissed (my first real, grown-up kiss anyway...and he's sure changed) and also because I have been watching "The Waltons" all summer. Back in 2008, I watched it all the way from the first season to the end, & at the beginning, I thought, I wonder what I saw in Jim-Bob! Then when they got to the later seasons, I remembered when I was 11, 12 years old and I had a thing for tall, skinny, buck-toothed boys.

It's funny how in the end, they all seem to look alike...

But that's not why I picked this song for today's lyric.

I picked the lyric with the word "Radical" because I read the David Platt book by the same name. I REALLY liked it, but now, on day two of the Radical Experiment, I am beginning to come down off the mountain. Blame it on my online class, for taking up so much of my focus today!

Check out the site...www.radicalthebook.com is the book's site, and from there you can get to the experiment link.

I agree with the fact that so often today's churches are focused on the wrong things, like building huge buildings instead of sending missionaries to poor countries. One critic said "Poverty isn't the biggest problem" (Platt doesn't say that it is, either) and goes on to sing the praises of capitalism. I have nothing against capitalism. Done right, it can be a good thing. On the other hand, I don't think all poor people are there by choice, or by bad decisions. I've been the primary breadwinner and lost my high-paying job. I'm one of the lucky ones. I could do something else, even if it did only pay half what my old job paid. Many others can't make more than minimum wage, which won't pay the bills. There are plenty of better paying jobs which require more training or different experience.

Oh, and by the way, if you were not Christian, and starving because your country is in a civil war and a famine, would you accept Jesus just because someone told you you would burn in Hell if you didn't? Of course not. However, you might be persuaded if a Christian gave you food and water first and then told you about a Savior who loves you more than they do. Poverty isn't the big issue, but if you don't show love and help meet needs, your message is going to blow in the wind with all that dust.

I could go on and on about this. I won't, not tonight anyway. Look for the book. See what you think.

Love ya. Mean it.

I don't want that much for Christmas...

Like everyone else, I wish for peace...and love...and joy.

I thank God for giving us His Son, whose birth we celebrate this day.

We get so far from the reality of the reason for the season. We put the focus on outgiving other people, not because we truly want to share but so that we look more generous (and therefore more prosperous) than the rest. And if you really watch the ads, you'll find a lot more ads focusing on keeping more of those expensive toys for yourself. When did "gifting" become a word? Didn't we already have a verb for that - GIVING? But really, it IS a different action. GIVING puts the emphasis on GIVE. GIFTING puts the focus on the thing, the gift itself, the item you have to buy.

Of course, God's greatest gift was not something that you can buy, although He was sold for thirty pieces of silver.

I got a great compliment from the man of the house this morning. He told me I've really come a long way in my cooking. I guess you could take that as a left-handed compliment, like I couldn't cook worth a dime before. But, really, cooking hasn't been one of my strongest points. Oh, I was passable. I could do really simple stuff like instant oatmeal & cheese toast & macaroni & cheese. I could always make attractive salads & fairly decent cookies. I could even do good mashed potatoes & chili. But breakfast wasn't a specialty. I always made biscuits from a can. Anyway, I felt like I did breakfast all right this morning, even with biscuits from scratch!

Merry Christmas!

Back in black!

I am NOT celebrating Black Friday! (Actually, most people, excluding retailers, should call this "Red Friday." Or, everyone could call it "Green Friday.") Oh, I may go to the little gift store in Pleasant View & sample some of their hot apple cider. I may run through the little antique store there in town & see what they have. But at 4 AM I was snoozing in my warm, cozy bed! I liked what Pamela said about the things she didn't know she wanted...or needed...or just had to have. It's 5:30 AM where she is. I wonder if she's up yet?

After reading "Affluenza" I am just so annoyed with the whole commercial Christmas scene anyway. The crowds of people knocking each other down, the long lines & packed aisles, the shelves stripped bare of the very items I came to get (because I didn't beat people out of my way to get there first) - that stuff is straight from Satan. WWJD? Would Jesus knock somebody down to get an Island Barbie playset? We do all this to celebrate His birthday...?????!!!!!

Now, please don't get me confused with some radical who will protest by not spending a dime on anyone because that is so not true. I will probably spend in the neighborhood of $1200 for gifts for people. I have actually already spent around $400 of that. I will probably receive somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 for gifts for myself. Of course, Randy & my kids will get a lot too, so it's probably a pretty fair trade. It just seems like a lot out of my pocket.

If I had it my way, I'd cut my Christmas spending by a good two-thirds. Randy & I don't really get each other much, usually around $20 worth or something. We do spend a lot on the kids, but, we are very open with them now that they're older. I find it a lot easier to give them money & let them decide how to spend it. I like giving small thoughtful gifts too. For our parents, we usually try to be very generous too.

In general, we spend a lot less on his family than mine, simply because there are more people in mine. Now, this is not REALLY true because he has a lot more relatives than I do. We just don't exchange gifts with his three aunts, two uncles, all the associated aunts & uncles by marriage, or his eleven cousins & their spouses, or their children (I think there are 8 of them). We play Bingo on Thanksgiving for prizes we bring to exchange. That's just his mother's side - I really, truly have no idea how many cousins he has on his dad's side. His dad was one of ten kids.

Randy has a mom & a sister with a husband & two kids, one with a fiancee & soon-to-be stepson. I have a mom, a dad, a stepmother, two brothers, a sister-in-law, a niece, a nephew, a brother's girlfriend, & a grandfather. (Last year, I had a grandmother too.) I am not counting my stepmother's daughter, son, two granddaughters, parents, grandmother, brother, sister, in-laws, aunt, uncles, & nieces & nephews, the number of whom I have long since lost count. I don't exchange gifts with them. I used to give gifts to my stepbrother & stepsister, but now I just give to my step-nieces, because they are just little kids. And, we have - I have - several additional relatives who evidently have a lot of money, & for them to give all their great-nieces & nephews & cousins & the like gifts ranging from $10 to $40 is no big deal. For me, 7 cousins once removed plus their 6 parents plus their 2 grandparents plus all the others mentioned before - well, that adds up when you can barely hold your head above water. I tried not giving one year, thinking they would quit. No. So, we buy, they buy.

I feel compelled to share the fact that we see them once a year. Maybe twice, if someone gets sick or dies. I have other aunts, uncles & cousins who I do see & talk to more often (or at least I did while Granny was alive) but we haven't exchanged gifts in years.

For the record, I spent more on the distant relatives this year than I usually do. I didn't spend a lot per kid, but for the grownups, I bought things that meant something to me & I think will mean something to them as well.

I feel like complaining about this makes me sound really greedy. I really don't mind giving to all these people (though it seems a bit ridiculous to continue trading with the ones we only see once a year) but I wonder just how much of my debt that I struggle with year round for what seems like forever came from gifts I HAD to buy to keep the Santa myth going...& gifts I HAD to buy for people because I knew they were buying something for me.

Next year will hopefully be different & by that I mean, better. I restarted my Christmas Club account recently, so I shouldn't have that "OH MY GOSH!!! WHERE AM I GOING TO GET THE MONEY FOR THAT???" moment next year. I hope not, anyway. I am working so much more, surely we will manage to do better.

I may put up the tree today. Rachel got up early & made us some "Butter Braid." The choir sold them a month or so ago, so I bought two. Rachel fixed the first one a day or two after we got them. Today she fixed blueberry cream cheese. Yummmmm!!! I have another one ordered from a co-worker.

We went to Dover yesterday for Thanksgiving (where we played Bingo). We had a lot to eat there too! I didn't eat breakfast, which is unusual for me. Well, on the way down there I had a "Payday" candy bar, so that I wouldn't make a pig of myself. I didn't eat a huge dinner either, just a little cottage cheese & then some hot chocolate later. It's too bad I don't often have time for a nice lunch (& siesta to follow) during the workweek. That's usually the way I eat on Sundays. Late suppers don't go well with early mornings. They probably contribute to larger waistlines too.

Well, it's past nine now so I need to get busy. Can't sit here all day snoozing & goofing off.

It's not easy being green.

I feel like writing a novel tonight, so strap in & hold on!

Derek & I just returned from a trip to Wally World, where he made a purchase with HIS money & I bought Natural Skippy Peanut Butter with mine. Before that we went to Rachel's surprise birthday party, held at the home of her friend Kyndall. She was truly surprised. She couldn't believe I had known for weeks, & that even Derek knew!

As we left the party, I checked my phone messages. Every week after Nextel Cup qualifying, I get four text messages, telling me the top 5 positions & where my favorite drivers will start the race. Then after the race (in case I don't see it) I get messages about where they finished. I was sad tonight. I got three messages, because Sterling's not in this one. He's done well over the years. He can afford to retire, if he wants to, after this.

This may be as good a time as any for me to retire - from the life of a NASCAR fan. I have often joked that NASCAR kept me from being "too flake-y." I'm sort of a liberal. I would love to live a more environmentally kind lifestyle. I am not an "earth-first, people-second" person by any means. As a Christian, I believe in worshipping the Creator, not the creation. However, I don't believe God intended for every square inch of the Earth He created to be covered in strip malls & McMansions. I think we Americans, and probably a whole lot of other nations as well, are far too greedy for our own good. Having dominion over the earth is a huge responsibility. The earth was given to us for our use, not our abuse.

Auto racing is most likely the worst possible sport for the environment, but I grew up watching races & have always loved them. I knew the time would come when Sterling would retire. I just didn't think things would get to this point. It's all about money in NASCAR. Maybe it always was, but not to the extent it is now. I simply don't care as much about it as I used to. There, I said it. Is it because of the environment? No, not really. But would it be so bad if I DID become a tree-hugger?

I am one of those extremely oil-dependent Americans. I have mentioned before that where we live is between our jobs & our kids' schools, between his family & mine, & 6 miles from the nearest grocery store - nowhere near public transportation. It's just a given that we're gonna be driving a lot. Changing jobs wouldn't help - we don't have career options closer to home. Moving closer to our jobs means uprooting the kids from their schools - not good when you have a 10th grader. Moving closer to school means moving further from work.

And that brings me to work. On tomorrow's blog, answers to some riddles I have been putting on the blog.