Just remember I love you, more than I can say... maybe then your blues will fade away

And I almost titled this one "Your Love Has Lifted Me Higher," because it was out that year.  I was just tired of looking for a more appropriate title from the year in my mind. 

In 1977, I turned ten. My world was pretty small. I was born in Nashville but I lived just north of the county line in Ridgetop.  I thought Nashville was a pretty important place, like Chicago or New York.  I had no idea that there were bigger places in the world, though I had heard of far-away cities like New York and Atlanta.  I had been to the ocean in North Carolina, which made me a little different from my classmates who went to PCB every couple of years.

Two girls moved in up the road from my grandparents' house in the mid '70s.  They were from Seattle, which was way, way up in the return address corner of the United States.  Looking at it on the globe, it looked like it would be much colder, and I learned that sometimes it was, but they had a lot of weather similar to ours in Tennessee with sunshine and rain.  Humidity was something else.  It's still something else, let me tell you.

Looking back, I never began to comprehend what it must have been like to be a newcomer in a town like Ridgetop.  Having moved out of town a few times since then, I feel a little sorry about that. Everybody in Ridgetop must have seemed to be related. They moved to a house on a hill, a house built by my grandmother's family when she was a little girl and their old house on that same location burned.  From the front yard one could see eight houses.  I had relatives in two of those houses, my grandmother and her cousin Jerry.  Another neighbor was my aunt's sister-in-law.  She grew up there too.

That summer the neighbor girls' dad was transferred and they returned to Seattle.  Elvis died, Star Wars premiered, and other things happened that stamped the year in my memory. One happened to my brother.  Mom took him to day care, where he refused to drink the milk.  They thought he was just "faking" when he said he was allergic.  He obeyed.  He vomited.  Mom found another babysitter quick, cousin Jerry's wife Wanda.  Mom hadn't considered really thought of her earlier because she seemed to keep a lot of kids and had her hands full.  To my knowledge though, she never lost any!  At first I stayed by myself at my grandmother's house that summer, but there was some family trouble going on (other unforgettable events I don't want to write about tonight, and a few I didn't really understand) so I started going to Wanda's too.  I think she saw me as another big kid who could help with the little ones, like her younger brother and nephews who dropped in frequently.

Jerry was one of my favorite relatives.  He was one of those people who always had a smile.  Even in sad moments, he could muster up a grin.  He was funny and kind.  When I was a very little girl, long before 1977, I remember thinking he was cute.  Back then we called him "Jerry Lee."  I noticed a lot of my relatives calling him that today; I even found myself saying it.  When he was born he had a hole in his heart, and some of my earliest memories of him involved him being in the hospital in serious condition, having had a heart attack or something at a very early age (like 24 maybe?).  I remember being told his heart had stopped but he was brought back to life.  I knew what that meant.  It was very scary and I remember being very afraid that he would die.

I wish I could've seen him recently.  Most of the times I've seen him over the past 20 years were when he was working on cars out in the yard and the garage, and I was driving by on my way to Mom's and Granddaddy's.  I think I saw him at Mom's funeral; I know I saw him at Granddaddy's and talked to him for quite a while.

Today I went to his funeral.  I sure hated to see him go.  I pray for Wanda and his kids and grandkids.  Ridgetop is a sadder place without him for sure.

Someone left a cake out in the rain.

No. Not really.

Remember that song? "Macarthur Park"? Donna Summer recorded it, and before that...I can't remember who did that one & don't feel like getting up & finding the Billboard book to look it up. We taught Rachel to sing that in a lusty, operatic voice when she was about two. Maybe four. Anyway, it's been raining here (finally!) & it just came to mind.

The neighbor was devastated. I think, by our message left in grief and shock, he thought we blamed him, & we did not. We went to his house to tell him so. I had told him he wouldn't need to come more than 3 or 4 times while we were gone. I think he came twice, maybe three times. I can't say I knew Smokey would die while we were gone, but I worried about him. Rachel had said, "Mom, if something happens, Jessie will call." He wouldn't have known to look for Smokey if he didn't come out.

Smokey was old. He was feeble, & didn't eat good, but he was still climbing on cabinets - he climbed into the bathroom sink for his last little nap. My heart is still breaking. I just miss the little guy. I would’ve had a houseful of kids, if I could have. Of course, I nearly died the first time & had a lot of damage after the second, & a third one might have killed me…so if I‘d had it my way I probably wouldn‘t be here. So my pets have helped to fill the void. Smokey was my lap cat, usually curled up in a ball when I sat here in front of the computer.

Obviously having pets is not like raising little souls into grown responsible people - I'm not insinuating that the loss is like that. If anything, I feel this grief & feel immense pain for those who have lost a child, because this is only a tiny taste of pain compared to that.

I am ready to laugh, but I'm still haunted by the pain & still so easily moved to tears. I feel crummy because my vacation is over & I already need another one. I couldn't relax when we were in Florida. I was too caught up worrying. I worried about money, when God tried to tell me not to. I hated lying around in the condo watching TV with the kids instead of getting out & seeing Sarasota & Siesta Key. I felt depressed because I didn't bring a good book to read & couldn’t have decided what to buy anyway

I DID sit in Books-A-Million & read most of a book. It was a prosperity gospel book, & while that’s not usually my thing, I do believe that God's riches will meet our needs. I also believe that we're supposed to be content. But I am not immune to worrying about those things. And I probably believe more now than ever before. For most of my adult life I have tried to take care of everything financial on my own, & I have done a pretty bad job of it. So, reading about trusting God to open doors really helped me strengthen my belief.

After reading that I felt led to believe that God would help me with several burdens I have brought to Him lately. I'm stepping out in faith here, to say that I believe...

• By Christmas we will be financially able to give thoughtful & generous gifts to all our family & friends with whom we exchange gifts. I may still fight the bargain hunting crowds on “Black Friday,“ but I won’t have to skimp.
• By next summer, we can go on a relaxing family trip without worrying about whether we can pay bills when we get home. I would LOVE to sing at a festival or something somewhere...& enjoy the trip with my family. So if you are planning a Southern Gospel singing in the Washington, DC area sometime in the summer of 2008, just reply in the comments here!
• Finally, by next summer I am going to be thinner. But I‘m not going to go into details here.

God knew Smokey would die while we were gone to Sarasota. He had his reasons. I feel sure about that. And I draw comfort from that.

When I got back to work on Monday, our business manager informed me that I would be getting vacation pay. I started out part-time & gradually my hours have grown, & gradually my benefits have too. It was really more than I dreamed I would ever have. Vacation pay was icing on the cake. And proof that God really IS helping me.

I know a few weeks ago I was worried about my relationship with Randy, but he has certainly gone above & beyond the last few days. I won’t go into all that now…but he’s done laundry, helped me with cats, buried Smokey (took care of everything in my inability to deal with it), taken care of getting Derek to the dentist, picked up Rachel from the library…& never complained. If he can still stand me, I think I've got quite the catch.

Anyway, I have written a book tonight, & now it's time for me to get ready for bed. I have to find something to laugh at first. Till next time!!!